


To Hell and Back

by TaylorCee591



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Supernatural AU - Freeform, hints of rape but not described, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-03-14 11:00:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 110,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3408101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaylorCee591/pseuds/TaylorCee591
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's back from Hell and he's fine, he has to be and he's been telling them all that for years. But when he goes to bed at night he's not fine and nobody knows it. Until one day, Castiel drops in while Dean's asleep. So while the show must go on, and the boys must keep fighting, Sam wasn't the only one wrestling Hell in his head</p><p>Smut & fluff.</p><p>Meant to be solely Destiel but Sam and Crowley just happened without my consent. It just sprang to life.</p><p>I have also posted this work on fanfiction dot net so don't worry if you see it there under the username TC591, it's mine!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_That door opened again, that door again and Dean almost retched... Again._

_"Morning," that voice sang again, that voice again and Dean did retch... Again. "Still?" he drawled as he walked into the... would it be called a 'room'?_

_Dean looked up to his face. Still the same. He had blood stains on his skin._

_"I thought we had started to bond." He leaned into Dean's face. "I think you know what I'm going to ask you," he smiled, "don't you, Dean?"_

_He just stared at Dean and he felt so many eyes on him. So many it made him crawl and jump._

Jump right out of his sleep. He turned to look at Castiel sitting in the corner of the room staring at him, his hands clasped in front of him as he leaned his elbows on his knees.

"Cas..." Dean looked away annoyed. "You scared the hell out of me." Dean ignored the truth of what he had just said.

"Hello Dean, I apologize for startling you out of your sleep. It was not my intention," Cas said softly.

Dean rubbed his face and sat up, still in his clothes, to look at the time. It was eleven at night. "What are you doing here, anyway?" he asked.

"Where's Sam?" Cas hadn't moved, he was looking at his hands as he rubbed them together slightly.

"I don't know, he went to a bar earlier, he probably hooked up." Cas nodded. "What's wrong?" Dean stood and turned towards him.

Castiel thought about asking Dean about it, about the mumbling and the crying but as Dean walked into the bathroom and waited until he turned his back to wipe his eyes Cas decided not to.

"I, uh, I was feeling..." Cas paused and tried to think of the word as Dean appeared back in the doorway looking at him. "I just needed a friend."

"At this time? What for?" Dean leaned against the frame looking at Cas.

Cas leaned back and exhaled. "I don't know."

Dean stared at him for a few minutes before he sighed. Only one thing for it. "Give me a second to wash up and we'll go for a drink."

Cas nodded and Dean turned around back into the bathroom. When he looked in the mirror he could see _him_ staring back at him. Smiling. Dean opened the door to the medicine cabinet just to face him away.

>><<

Dean washed up and they headed a couple of blocks over to a bar where they didn't hesitate before they walked in. It was quite like the roadhouse but a little busier than Dean had even seen Ellen's place. Ellen and Jo popped into Dean's head and he closed his eyes inhaling as he sat down at the bar. He came back to himself when Cas sat down next to him and he gestured to the barman for two glasses of scotch.

A few sips in Dean spoke, "So, what's the deal, Cas?" He turned his head to the angel.

Cas tipped the glass this way and that, watching the liquid swirl, not positive that he wanted to drink it. "Not sure," he admitted.

"Just feeling crap?" Cas nodded and Dean lifted the glass, pausing with it just before his lips to talk. "Tell me about it." He downed it.

"Well, I just feel so unhappy and..." Dean turned his head after he put the glass down, he hadn't meant it literally but, as usual, Cas had took it that way, "heavy."

"Life'll do that to you." Cas looked at Dean. "Especially yours."

Cas laughed through his nose and looked back to his glass. "Yes."

"What?" Dean gestured for two more to the barman.

"It's just funny that you would say that," the barman walked over, "having been through what you have."

They nodded to the man as he walked away.

"Me and Sam get through," Dean said.

"I didn't mean what the Winchester's have been through, I meant you." Cas downed his glass and no more was said about it that night. They just kept on drinking.

>><<

"Well, I have to say buddy-" Dean had his right arm across Cas' back holding him up as they walked back to the motel. "-for not having much practice, you can hold your drink."

Cas laughed, his right arm around Dean's shoulder tightened pulling Dean a little closer, "I still don't understand that expression. Of course I can hold what I drink, until I drink it and then my body holds it until I have to urin-" The end of that word came out in a burp and Dean laughed. "Urinate. I meant to say urinate but then I released gas. I apologize."

"S'alright," Dean said.

They laughed and stumbled until they got to the motel room.

"Lean against here just now," Dean said as he tried to get Cas to lean against the wall while he fetched the key but Cas stumbled and Dean kept a hold of him. "Right, hold on." Dean tried to figure out how he was going to get it without letting Cas fall flat on his face. "Dammit." He knew there was only one way.

He backed Cas against the wall and Cas's eyes opened when his back bumped against it.

"What- What are you doing?" Cas asked. His right arm had been around Dean's shoulder but since Dean was now using his right hand to hold Cas us it had slipped to just holding onto the back of Deans neck.

"Just trying to get the key and stop you falling over at the same time." Dean's left hand wriggled from behind Cas to his side and snaked around his own back to his pocket.

He was awkwardly fishing for the key when Cas opened his mouth to talk and, in the process, forgot to try and hold his balance, making him fall forward. Dean had to use his shoulders and hips to pin Cas up since he couldn't free his hand. They both paused, looking at each other.

"You alright?" Dean looked at him, Cas just nodded not saying anything. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Cas swallowed, finding it hard to breathe through the smell of Dean and scotch, both of which were having a strange effect on him he couldn't quite place. He assumed it must be the alcohol and decided to stick with that. "The alcohol has uh," he closed his eyes, "gone to my head."

Dean got the key and showed him it. "Got it, come on." He wrapped his left arm around Cas and pulled him off the wall to unlock the door.

>><<

_"Now, come on, Dean." He walked around Dean with one of the knives he was using this time. "How can I enjoy it if you don't," he put his lips to Dean's ear, "scream?"_

_"Bite me," Dean whispered._

_Alistair gave out a little chuckle. Even after this long Dean hated everything he did; the way his mouth hardly moved when he spoke in such a calm and low tone that it might have put you to sleep if he wasn't slicing into you and laughing while the blood ran to the ground. One week, one year, ten; it didn't matter how long it had been. Dean held out as long as he could before he would scream and cry and his jaw would almost lock up with the pain, his stomach would lurch and he would try not to but he would hurl and retch. Alistair would just watch, smile and talk about the weather, about John and little Sammy. Just when Dean felt like he couldn't take any more Alistair would say something and it would kick his backside into a second wind._

_"...because you know that Sam would never... ever do this for you," Alistair continued as he leaned in closer to Dean's face. "He would never even offer to do this, we both know he's not strong enough but he wouldn't even **offer**." He looked at Dean's cheek and then lifted his hand to place his thumb on it, trailing in the blood Dean could feel all over him. He pulled it back to show Dean. "Blood." He touched it to Dean's nose and Dean closed his eyes. "Yours. Daddy dearest's..." Dean could see John in his hospital room, "Blood spilled, all for Sam." Dean let his head hang as Alistair stepped back. "John saves you but only so you could take care of Sam, you sacrifice yourself for Sam, and your mother..." Dean's eyes opened, anger, a second-wind in one word. "She died trying to save him. Don't you wonder if he's worth it?"_

_Dean lifted his head and smiled. "Bite me."_

_Alistair smiled too and wiped his knife._

The static from the cheap TV was almost louder than the voice coming from it. " _I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you._ " Dean slowly woke up and opened his eyes to the TV. " _It's just I don't want you to feel like that, you know?_ "

"Ugh." Dean closed his eyes as the light hit him. "He's manipulating you!" he shouted at it and turned around. "That Greta is a dumbass," he mumbled to himself.

"What?" Cas turned around to face Dean.

Dean, with his eyes still closed, mumbled sleepily, " _Days of our Lives_ , hate that programme."

"Oh," Cas answered back, not knowing what else to say since he was barely awake either.

Dean realized something and slowly opened his eyes. "Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?" Cas shuffled and pulled the covers further up.

"Why are we in the same bed?"

"You know, I wondered that too," another voice in the room said.

Dean reached to the nightstand and grabbed his gun as both he and as sat up to look at the end of the bed. Dean sighed and lowered his gun as Sam smiled at him from a chair at the table by the motel room window. He used the remote to switch the TV off and looked back to his brother, trying not to smile widely.

"And in Eric's defence," Sam said as he gestured to the TV with the remote, "he doesn't know that Nicole is stringing him and Lucas along." He shrugged with a smug look on his face.

Dean stuttered to talk and looked at Cas. "Wha- This isn't what it looks like..." Sam raised his eyebrows. "Right, Cas?"

Cas looked to Sam. "What does it look like?"

"From the faint whiff of scotch," Sam stood and Cas sniffed the air, Dean looked to him and then pushed the covers back to stand, putting his gun back on the nightstand, "and the fact that you shared a bed - it looks like you two got drunk and," he leaned into Dean smiling, "slept together."

"No, no, no!" Dean smiled waving his hand.

"In that case..." They both looked to Cas as he looked down at the cover and back up. "It's exactly what it looks like." He looked to Dean confused when Sam pursed his lips together and looked down at the ground.

"No Cas, that's not what- What?" He looked to Sam who looked at the ceiling quickly and turned around. He looked down.

_Good morning._

"Oh Sam, that doesn't mean anyth-" He groaned in frustration when Sam failed to hide his laughter. "Will you just explain to him please?" He pointed to Cas before he disappeared into the bathroom.

Sam nodded and turned to Cas who spoke first, "Explain what? I know what that is, I think I'm suffering from the same thing." Cas shifted under the cover and Sam tried to hold his breath. And then he lost it.

He burst out laughing and Dean walked out of the bathroom, "Okay, alright," he shoved Sam around on the spot, "you're not helpful, get out." They turned when they heard fluttering and Cas disappeared. "Great." Dean gestured to Sam. "Look what you did." Dean turned to walk away.

"What did  _you_  do?" Dean paused and then walked toward his gun. "I'm going." Sam grabbed his jacket and headed for the door before Dean got to it. "I'll be in the car."

>><<

Sam sat on the bed in his motel room a few days later, they hadn't heard from Cas and Dean was barely talking to Sam because of it. When Sam suggested he tried praying Dean told him to go to Hell, which told Sam that Dean had tried that, and Cas had ignored him.

"Cas... Castiel?" Sam sighed when nothing happened. "I'm not Dean but I'd like to talk to you? No?" He looked around. "I could try to be Dean, but you ignored him too." He inhaled. "Alright." He lowered the tone to his voice. "Cas, get your ass down here right now!"

"Hello, Sam." Cas appeared standing in front of Sam.

Sam jumped closing his eyes. "Jesus Chr-"

"Don't," Cas interrupted.

Sam exhaled. "Sorry. You scared the hell out of me."

"That is a slight exaggeration but I apologize. Although, you did call me so I did expect you to expect me." Cas gestured with his arms and Sam found the whole thing weird for Cas.

"Yeah, but after the third time I didn't expect you to turn up."

"So, I can go?" Cas walked towards the door.

"No!" Sam stood. "Why would you walk to the..." Cas tilted his head and Sam shook his. "Never mind, I just wanted to say that it was me that Dean was talking to the other day when he said 'get out' not you."

"Oh." Cas lowered his head. "Was that all?"

"Well..." Sam hesitated.

"Sam-" Cas pointed up to the ceiling. "-War going on-" He lowered that hand and pointed again with his other. "-Everyone fighting-" He pointed to himself. "-Trying to restore order-" He gestured to Sam. "-Wasting time."

Sam scoffed. "Fine, go."

And just like that Castiel was gone.

"Jerk," Sam muttered to himself and whipped his head when something hit the motel window. He ran to it and looked out but there was nothing there. "Sorry," he said, taking the hint.


	2. Chapter 2

Six months later.

_"_ _It's not such a bad thing, Dean," Alistair said._

_Dean gasped through the pain while Alistair lay on the floor underneath him. He was suspended in the air on hooks through his shoulders but the pain from that was nothing new: he was hung like that every day - fresh skin, healed and new, cut into with sharp hooks and then hung there like meat in a butcher's shop. Which is exactly what he was. Alistair was on a board with wheels under Dean with a small thin knife and a bloody rag. He was poking tiny holes into Dean's feet and wiping them with the rag which was soaked in something that felt like paint stripper._

_"_ _Joining us down here," he continued._

_The pain coursed through Dean, dull and constant as it had the entire time, like an itch._

_"It may have-" Dean tried not to but he had had hours of this and that hurt so he groaned. "-slipped your notice, asshat-" Alistair laughed and stabbed Dean again. "-but I **am**  down here."_

_"You know," Alistair chewed away as he spoke, slow and calm as always, "you're always so aggressive towards me."_

_"Can't imagine why." Dean felt it coming up but didn't let it show. Then he threw up all over Alistair who closed his eyes and mouth. Dean spat out the last bit. "I really can't."_

_Alistair wiped his eye and smiled before stabbing Dean in the ankle and Dean yelled out._

He sat bolt upright. The room was pitch black and he was sweating. He turned to the other bed which was empty, Dean panicked, Sam had been there when he had gone to sleep.

"He's getting gas." Dean's head whipped to the figure standing in the corner looking out the window. "He's just left," Cas looked to Dean, "I think he had trouble sleeping."

Dean sighed, pushed the covers back a little and wiped his forehead. "Where the hell have you been?" he asked. "Tried praying."

Cas walked over and sat on the bed next to Dean's left side, he raised his arm towards Dean who flinched. "Cas!" He put his hand up and Cas paused. "What're you going to do?"

"I was going to cool you down?" He waited. "You're sweating."

"I'm okay, I'll go get a cloth and run it under the cold-"

"Here." Cas lowered the same hand a little and Dean saw he was holding something that wasn't there before.

Dean hesitated and then took it from him. He could immediately feel how cool it was. "Thanks." Cas just sat there looking at him. "So, where have you been?"

Cas shrugged. "I had some things to attend to," he said, knowing that Dean didn't believe him, not completely. Dean accepted the answer nonetheless and put the cloth on the back of his neck, the coolness making him moan a little in relief. "Dean?" Dean hummed an answer. "Was Hell that bad?"

Dean froze and looked to Cas. "What?"

"Sometimes, when I'm checking in, I catch you while you're sleeping-" Cas started.

"You watch me sleep?" Dean interrupted.

"Well-"

"Cas we talked about this, that is creepy, don't do that!" Dean pulled the covers back and clambered out of the bed on the other side.

"It's not intentional but you and your brother keep quite abnormal sleeping schedules, I can't always be sure." Cas shrugged as he stood and faced Dean. "That's not exactly what I was asking you about."

"Then what were you asking, Cas?" Dean screwed up his face and turned to look back at him.

"I thought I already did ask. Was Hell so bad that it haunts you at night?" Dean shuffled on his feet, more confused. "You seem quite distressed when you sleep. Sam barely makes any noise, I only watched him to compare. I realize that a lot of humans sleep differently but the only people who make the same noises as you and sweat like that are-" He looked up to the side and counted on his fingers as he spoke. "-Steve Groman, forty-one years of age who hit a twelve year old girl with his car ten years ago; Elaine Turning, twenty-seven, who suffers from the guilt of killing her husband last year and hasn't been caught yet; and Roger Kirk, eleven, who is terrified of the monster in his closet which is the twisted memory of his aunt Marie coming into his room late at night when he was nine and abusing him, he also wets the bed though and I haven't seen you do that." He took a breath and lowered his hands. "That's all I have collected so far." He looked back to Dean.

Dean looked to the side and then shook his head. "I don't want to talk about this." He moved to turn away. "And stop spying on people in their beds!" He looked back. "And, do something for Roger at least, he's just a kid!" Cas nodded and disappeared. Dean walked into the bathroom and the door to the motel opened.

"Dean?" Sam called, after seeing his bed empty.

"In the bathroom Sam, where were you?"

>><<

"I just don't understand why Cas has to be here?" Dean whispered.

"You know he can hear you, right?" Sam dipped one eyebrow and they turned to look at Cas who was too busy looking at a book to look up. "Because we could use his help, because we're hunting these missing things from heaven and because it's Cas. Since when do you not want him around?"

Dean sighed. "It's not that I don't want him around, it's just..." He lowered his shoulders. "...I don't know what it is."

Sam furrowed his brow and slowly looked when Cas called to him. They both walked over.

"We're not going to get anywhere here, I'm going to check back in Heaven," Cas said, looking from Sam to Dean.

"No, wait Cas-" And he was gone. Sam looked to Dean. "Nice going."

Dean sighed and turned to watch Sam walk away.

>><<

_"Do you know there is no such thing as tomorrow, Dean?"_

_"Is that a fact?" Dean sighed and fell to the ground, he let out a half-groan, half-shout as he fell onto his knees. Everything hurt, everything was aching and ringing throughout his entire body. The pain from his knees ringing in his eyes, the pain in his hands pressing on his lower back._

_"It is. Think about it." Alistair took out his ripper, it was a knife that actually rotated like a mini chainsaw. It made Dean feel weird, not because he could feel his nausea in his teeth or because he felt dizzy in his fingernails. No, this was because a tool like that was not one he would have associated with Alistair which meant that either Alistair was becoming unpredictable, even now, or that Dean was so far gone he couldn't read him any more._

_"I'll pass." Dean leaned back when Alistair pushed his head back._

_"Well," he turned the mini-saw on, "I'll just have to explain it to you." He started lightly cutting into Dean's shoulder and he screamed. "You see, on that cesspit you call home," Dean gritted his teeth, "there's Monday and then there's Tuesday, right?"_

_"Nice one, Einstein." Dean yelled out when he hit bone, Dean was covered in blood, sweat and tears. He tried not to look to his right at his ear on the floor. The answer to 'do you ever really feel your ears' was 'well, I do when it's being scissored off'. Dean tried to close his airway to the sick rising in his throat and joints._

_"Well, on Monday," Alistair bared his teeth a little as he wiggled the saw and pushed down, Dean screaming louder with each movement, "Tuesday is tomorrow but when Tuesday comes it's no longer tomorrow is it? It's today. Ergo, tomorrow never comes."_

_Dean said nothing that wasn't a swear word._

_Alistair shrugged. "I was just making conversation, these sessions can feel very one sided when you're not cursing at me."_

"Dean!" Alistair suddenly shook Dean's shoulder and Dean bolted upright grabbing his wrist but then realizing that is was actually Sam. "Dean, it's me?"

Dean exhaled and looked down at the bed, the rest of the room and world coming into view again. "Sam, don't do that." Sam raised his eyebrows and Dean looked down. He was still gripping Sam's wrist. "Oh, sorry." He let go.

"It's fine, are you okay?" Sam asked, his brow dipped and tense.

Castiel was stood in the corner, watching, unseen.

Dean insisted that he was fine but Cas had seen, he had seen the sweating, the mumbling, the crying and the writhing. Dean's back arching off the bed and Dean screwing up his eyes in pain. He had seen Sam wake out of his sleep and look at Dean, he had watched Sam think about waking Dean but he had seen Sam decide otherwise. He had watched Sam walk into the bathroom, he had looked back to Dean while Sam changed his attire and then observed Sam go over and wake his brother, as if he was just waking him up like always and not because his brother was shouting in his sleep.

Castiel now watched them converse about a witch they were chasing and how Dean had blew off a waitress the other night.

Castiel wondered if Dean wasn't in the mood, if he didn't find her attractive, if his head was too filled with the case. Cas wondered if Dean was too tired because he didn't sleep very well and hadn't done for a while. He wondered if it was because Dean didn't want to fall asleep next to her. Cas wondered if Dean had ever really came back from Hell at all.

Castiel looked out of the motel window when he was called. He took one last look at the brothers as Dean bundled out of bed rubbing his eyes as if he was about to go for a much needed sleep instead of rise from a bad one. Then he went home.

"I don't like them, Dean!" Sam shouted to Dean in the bathroom.

"Yeah, just try not to get the clap from this one." He smirked in the mirror and then looked down avoiding the gaze of the memory that smirked back.


	3. Chapter 3

Three Weeks Later.

Castiel looked up at the sky as his worst fear was realized.

Dean turned when he heard it, the noise, he turned to see the lights, there was hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands of them for as far as the eye could see. The flames plunged towards the earth, twisting and turning - suddenly the flames stopped mid-air and burned up while objects attached to them kept on falling.

When one hit the nearby water Sam flinched. "What's happening?" he strained to ask his brother.

They both looked up at the sky and not too far away the wind blew aggressively against Castiel as he watched in horror.

Dean didn't know whether to cry or scream. "Angels," he said and Sam exhaled still suffering in his own body, Dean looked down again, "they're falling." Dean's mouth was wide open as he tried to slow his breathing. "All of them."

He turned to see Castiel in the distance looking at the sky.

>><<

**[AU kicks in here]**

_"Dean," the demon drawled._

_Dean hung his head, not again._

_"Dean, Dean, Dean." Alistair stopped in front of Dean. "Darling..."_

_Dean kept breathing heavily whilst looking at the floor, he couldn't, he just couldn't do it any more. He'd tried, he really had. Every single time he felt like he was at the end of his line he would try to think about when he was a kid and his mum used to make him tomato and rice soup when he was sick; he tried to remember when he and Sam would play with toy soldiers in the car while they were waiting on they're dad; he'd try to remember when John would take them to watch the wrestling. He tried to remember those one night stands and really concentrated hard on the ones that ended up lasting a whole weekend, he tried to focus on good memories that were motivators to keep him going, he tried to think of times when he'd felt worse to remind himself that he got through that so he could get through this, he even tried to keep his mind on what the revenge would feel like. Because he would have revenge dammit._

_But he'd exhausted every single ounce of motivation, compromise and rage he had in him._

_Now he had nothing left, he felt like a shell that had been hollowed out._

_All that was left was a bag of bones and blood that could feel pain but couldn't find anyway to get through it._

_So, what was he doing it for?_

_Why was he on this side of the fence when all he had to do was hop it?_

_"D_ _id you miss me?" Alistair asked with a smile, he wasn't even particularly interested in Dean, he seemed to be going through the motions, as if he was bored now. He looked like a man fulfilling his duty before he moved on with his working day._

_Dean was on all fours as blood trickled down his face and dripped onto the floor, he could feel his liver pulsing, he hadn't know you could ever feel your liver until about five years ago when that knife had cut into it and Dean felt all of his years of drinking pour out and attack him, all at once. Every hangover he had ignored, every headache he had smothered with pain killers, every hurl he had cut off and pushed back, every wobble he had flexed the control back into. All at once._

_"You haven't spoken to me in weeks, Dean," Alistair commented casually._

_Dean didn't know why but Alistair's voice cut deeper than it usually did, he felt it rattle as it calmly edged its way closer to him._

_"_ _Did I do something wrong?" He sniffed and looked around, seemingly uninterested by whatever answer Dean was going to provide, if he was even going to wait for him to give one. It really didn't seem like he wanted to have a conversation anymore._

_Suddenly Dean wished he would say something ridiculous, like he had for a past... However long it had been... All of the times Dean wished he's just shut up and get on with it so he would go away again and now Dean wished he would do anything but. Anything but ask him._

_Dean could feel him kneel down next to him and he silently begged him - don't ask, don't ask me._

_Dean tasted the blood at the back of his throat, he didn't have any energy for any come backs, he couldn't find the balls to hold back the screams any more. He couldn't stop the tears and he couldn't take the pain. Don't ask me, don't ask me._

_"Well-" Alistair stood back up. "Why don't we begin our usual routine, hmm?" Dean was still on all fours looking at the blood pool underneath him, unable to move and unable to want to. "I ask if you'll join us," Dean's eyes closed and a tear fell to the puddle, "you say no and then we continue our-"_

_"Yes," Dean whispered and opened his eyes to look at the tears mixing with a small patch of blood._

_There was silence for a few seconds and Alistair stared at his table._

_An eternity seemed to pass before he spoke and when he did so it was strangely, it wasn't as calm as it had been every other time, it was almost guttural, "What did you say?"_

_Dean looked up to see Alistair turn his head to him. "I said, 'yes'. I'm done."_

_Dean lowered his head again and Alistair smiled._

Dean opened his eyes and heard mumbling. He looked to Sam sweating and mumbling in his sleep, turning a little this way and that.

"That's what you look like." Dean turned around as he sat up, to see Cas on the couch in the corner, lying facing them, the cover pulled up over his shoulders and underneath his chin. "When you sleep," Cas was speaking low so as not to wake Sam.

Dean looked back to Sam, the sweat beading from his forehead and arms as his face screwed up and relaxed momentarily while he twitched and moaned.

Dean spoke low in volume too, "Are you okay?" Dean offered but he didn't really pay attention until Cas didn't answer, he just nodded.

And it wasn't an answer.

Dean shifted his focus to Cas but in the darkness it was hard to see. He pulled the covers back and shuffled out of the bed to stand and then walked over to Cas, trying every step of the way to see him better. Cas moved his head a little and Dean saw it, he was wiping his nose with the cover and Dean realized.

"Are, are you crying?" he asked.

"I seem to be leaking liquid from my eyes and nose, yes." Cas sniffed.

Dean sighed as he heard the emotion in his voice and walked over to the couch. Cas looked up at him and Dean didn't know what to do, what could he possibly do?

"I don't know what to say, Cas. I can't fix it, not right now," Dean gestured his arms wide slightly, the gesture as hopeless as he felt.

"What do you mean 'right now'?" He sniffed again and turned onto his back to see Dean better.

Dean leaned down and lifted Cas' legs, wrapped in the blanket, so that he could sit on the couch letting them rest across his lap. He settled down and looked to Cas as he shuffled further up towards his side of the couch so that he could talk low and still be heard. Cas lifted his head so that he could adjust his height to allow Dean underneath him, then lowered it again. It ended up with Cas' buttocks against Dean's right leg and Dean unconsciously put his left arm out to hold Cas' legs and stop him falling off. Dean leaned to his right and put his right arm on the rest of the couch behind Cas' head.

"I mean that I can't fix it right now, but we will find a way to fix this." Cas sniffed yet again. "We will," Dean promised.

"How can you be so sure?" Cas could feel it bubble up in him again - how could Dean feel that kind of faith and he didn't? It felt like the end of the world to Cas.

"Because we don't have any other choice, I won't give up and leave my brother like _that_." They looked to Sam still mumbling away and Cas glanced to Dean as his brow dipped in worry. He turned back. "And I won't leave _you_ like this."

Cas suddenly blubbered and the tears started again. Dean's face showed evident shock at first but then used his right hand to nudge under the back of Cas' head, pulling him against his chest so that he could sob and not wake Sam up.

"Okay, I know," he tried to comfort him as he leaned back on the couch, taking Cas with him, and pressed his right cheek to Cas' forehead. "It's alright." Cas' arms were against Dean's chest and they just lay their limply as he didn't know what to do. Dean didn't even realize he was rocking Cas but he was. "The three of us against anything out there, yeah?"

Cas nodded a little. "Team free will," he mumbled into Dean's chest.

Dean exhaled a laugh through his nose and nodded. "Exactly." He didn't notice his left hand come up and run through Cas' hair either, but it did.

Dean and Cas fell asleep like that.

>><<

_Dean followed Alistair down a corridor and through a room door. Dean stopped in his tracks when he looked up as he walked through it, he hadn't expected it to be that room. He thought Alistair might give him some warning before they walked in to Dean's first job._

_"Petey, Pete, Pete," Alistair said and looked up to Dean as he leaned down, then stared, smile disappearing. Dean shut the door behind him and Alistair turned back. "My name is Alistair, this is my friend Dean."_

_Pete looked from him to Dean. Dean inhaled and tried not to throw up again today._

_"What is this, where am I?" Pete looked back to Alistair._

_"Oh, do forgive my manners," Alistair stood, still looking down, "welcome to Hell."_

_"Dean?" a voice whispered, Dean looked around him while Alistair continued with Pete seemingly unaware of the whispering. "Dean?" The voice coming around him in Hell like a bee buzzing in his ear. "Dean, wake up."_

He jutted awake, sitting up on the couch. He looked at Cas balancing on bended knees beside it.

"You're alright, you're okay," Cas assured him, his face was puffy and red and his smile weak.

Dean looked down at the couch, it was then that he realized he had been lying down asleep. He thought back, he remembered closing his eyes with his head against Cas' as the ang- former angel's sobs died down. He remembered the blanket around Cas and when he slowly tucked it over Dean's shoulders, the blanket that was now over Dean. He remembered when Cas settled his arm around Dean's neck, the arm that was now resting on his own upper leg as he hovered there on bended knees looking at Dean with worry.

Dean had never fallen asleep like that before.

"Uh..." Dean blinked looking from the blanket as he pulled it from around him back. "I'm sorry I fell asleep."

Cas stood up. "It's okay, so did I. I only woke up half an hour ago."

"Where's Sam?" he asked.

Cas pointed to the bathroom, the door was closed over and Dean could hear the water running.

"He's in there himself?" Dean stood as Castiel walked to the table. "Why would you let him go in there himself? He's not strong enough, Cas."

"I tried to tell him that but he was already in there when I woke up." Cas leaned on the table and hung his head.

Dean swallowed and took a step behind him, looking to where he had been laying. "So he saw us, like that?"

Cas turned his head. "I guess so. Is that a bad thing, what it looks like?"

Dean looked back to the bathroom. "I don't care what it looks like, we've more important things to worry about, Cas." Cas turned his body, confused. "I want you both to know I'm here for you. I don't want him thinking I'm not watching over him."

Cas looked to the floor trying to understand. "I'm in the way," he concluded.

Dean looked to Cas. "No-"

Cas shrugged. "It's okay, Dean. I understand."

He picked up his jacket and Dean walked forward, putting out his left hand to pull at Cas' right arm to stop him. "You're not-"

"Dean-" Cas started to argue.

"Argh!" A shout came from the bathroom and both of their head's whipped around to look.

"Sam!" Dean ran to the bathroom and Cas followed him. He stormed in and Sam was in a ball in the bottom of the shower. "Sammy!" He leaned down and pulled Sam's face up to look at him. "Sammy, talk to me."

All Sam managed was a pained, "Dean," and more yells.

Dean tried to hook Sam's arm over his shoulder and Sam's hand went down to hide himself. "Grow up, Sam. I'm not interested in your junk," Dean grumbled. He tried to haul Sam to his feet in the shower and slid on the water, hitting his shoulder off of the wall. He groaned and looked to the bathroom doorway, there was no one there. "Dammit, Cas," Dean mumbled, assuming Cas had skipped out while he couldn't stop him.

Cas appeared in the doorway and Dean's brow relaxed. He walked forward and handed Sam a towel to hide himself and then helped Dean haul him up before they carried him out of the room. It was then that Dean noticed that the covers on Sam's bed had been pulled back and his pillow fixed - that's what Cas was doing. They carried him to the bed while he mumbled and Dean realized that the droplets of water on his skin were turning into sweat.

Cas stood back while Dean tucked him in and then looked down at his hand when Dean handed him the towel. He remembered handing Dean the cold, wet cloth and he walked into the bathroom. He put the towel down and grabbed one of the cloths lying there, he ran it under the tap and looked in the mirror at himself. He remembered Metatron slicing into his neck and he thought for a minute he could see the scar.

"Cas, what're you doing?" Dean called from the room and Cas heard him talk to Sam. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here, Sammy."

Cas looked to the doorway, then rang out the cloth and walked into the room. He held it out to Dean and he took it across the bed with his left hand and turned back to Sam.

"Thanks," Dean said. "It's okay. You'll be okay, Sam. We'll be hunting in no time, team free will." He folded the cloth and put it to Sam's forehead as he moaned and hissed at the contact, "I know, we'll be fine, right Cas?"

Dean never got an answer.

He turned to look at Cas over his left shoulder, then his right and found an empty room, he looked to the door a little ajar.

"Dammit," he cursed. He stood up and ran to the door, leaning out, the cloth between his left hand and the door, looking at the street. He couldn't see Castiel at all. "Cas!" he shouted and a couple of people turning to look. "Castiel?" he had lowered his voice but still called out.

"Dean?" Sam groaned and Dean turned back inside. "Dean!" Sam shouted, suddenly panicking and opening his eyes.

Dean closed the door and ran over. "I'm here." Sam's eyes found Dean and he relaxed. "I'm right here, Sam." He folded the cloth and put it back on Sam's neck before looking out the window. "I'm right here."


	4. Chapter 4

_"Try it."_

_Dean had stood watching Alistair for three hours now. Watching him tear into the poor man and smile all the way through it, he had watched him slice and dice him, talking to him in the same way he had done to Dean, calm and unnerving. He wasn't torturing, he was playing._

_"Try it," Alistair reiterated and gestured to the knife he had in his hand. Dean hesitated listening to Pete hyperventilate and retch while Alistair took a deliberation break. "It is what you're here for, or if you'd like you can switch places?"_

_Dean took a step forward and the man let out a sob. Dean paused, looking at him, his nose was dripping blood, his neck was burned and his chest looked like they'd let one of the hounds have a go._

_Alistair jiggled the knife and Dean shakily put his hand out. He reached for it and when Alistair moved an inch to hand it to him he withdrew his hand again and turned on the spot before leaning on the wall, this time he was leaning his forehead on the back of his right hand on the wall and he had his eyes screwed up._

_"Excuse me, Petey," Alistair said. "I need a word with my colleague."_

_Colleague. The word cut Dean like the years of torture he had endured. The years Pete had to come._

_"_ _Dean." He stood beside Dean, to his right. "You're making a scene."_

_Dean shook his head on his hand. "Why is he here?"_

_"Doesn't matter."_

_"It does." Dean shuffled on his feet. "Why is he here, is he a paedophile, murderer, rapist, racist... Republican?"_

_Alistair chuckled and Dean almost smiled. And it made him feel sick._

_Alistair went around the other side of Dean and lowered his voice even further, "It doesn't matter why he's here, you were none of those things and yet here you are, here you have been for thirty years, you said yes. Now you can do this, or you can go back on the rack and we can try this again in thirty years. It's up to you but I have a job to do." He gestured down to the knife in his hand._

_Dean turned and looked to him then down. He thought back to the pain, the screaming, the laughter and the tears. He couldn't do any more of it, that much he knew. He turned and looked at Pete, the man was white as a sheet except for the damage done to him, the man who could have a thousand reasons for being there, good and bad._

_The man who was at Dean's mercy._

_Dean took the knife and looked Alistair in the eyes. "Let's get started."_

_Alistair smiled and followed him._

>><<

"Pete!" Dean shouted as he sat bolt upright in his bed.

He exhaled when he realized where he was. He looked to his left to see Sam mumbling and crying in his sleep and sighed. He looked around the room, it felt emptier than it usually did. He pulled the covers back and walked towards the door.

"Just getting some air, Sam. I'm right outside." He didn't know if Sam could hear him but he couldn't just leave without at least trying to make sure Sam knew he wasn't leaving him completely.

When he got outside, he was hit by the cold air and closed his eyes while he inhaled. He leaned against the hinge side of the door frame and folded his arms before looking to the other side. He briefly remembered that night so long ago when he and Castiel had gotten drunk and he had to hold Cas up. He remembered it all and it sent a strange feeling over him, like something was missing now. Castiel had leaned on him, had needed him and then left without a second thought to himself all for the well being of the Winchesters.

Again.

Dean took a step out onto the pathway and looked out at the parking lot. "Where are you, Cas?" he said softly to the wind.

"You know he can't hear you now, right?"

Dean spun around to see Sam standing there, a blue tint all over him and sweat pouring from every available part.

"Sam, get back in there!" Dean said, putting his hands out as he walked towards him.

Sam put his right hand out while his left gripped onto the door. "It's cool out here," he said and Dean glared at him, "please," Dean's face relaxed, "just for a few minutes?" Dean sighed and took a step to the side, he didn't miss how white Sam's hand was as it gripped onto the door.

"Come here." Dean put his arm under Sam and walked to lean Sam on the wall beside the door. "No." Dean grabbed Sam's arm as he tried to pull it away from Dean's shoulder. Sam sighed. "That's the deal, you can do this, or you can go back in there, it's up to you?" Sam nodded and Dean settled against the wall beside him.

There was a little silence as Sam closed his eyes to the cool breeze, his arm relaxing across Dean's shoulders. "Why'd Cas leave this time?"

Dean turned and Sam opened his eyes. "I think he thought he was getting in the way." Dean sniffed. "Idiot."

Sam scoffed for a second and then his face returned to serious. "We need to find him."

"I know." Dean paused and then inhaled. "But how? Like you said, he can't hear us now."

After a second Sam smiled. "Yes, he can." Dean screwed up his face and Sam raised his eyebrows.

Dean looked in the door at his cellphone on the table and then back to Sam before they headed back inside to see if Cas had taken his.

He had.

>><<

He wasn't far, in fact when Sam tracked him by GPS, they found him to be a only half an hour away, by car.

He had walked for a few hours not sure where he was going, he didn't even have shoes on but he didn't care about people looking at him. They didn't realize, he had done something so terrible, it might not have been his choice but he had helped Metatron and he had put himself in that position, to be vulnerable and used like that. And all of these people went about their day as normal with no knowledge of it except perhaps a new lodger, a new homeless person on their street, or a partner who was acting different - Cas had no idea how his brothers and sisters were dealing with it.

Probably a lot better than he was, he was walking along the street in a daze having left the Winchester's to look after each other. He had been in the way and he hadn't wanted that. He didn't want to leave but he knew he should and that's why he had a coat and no shoes.

He heard ringing, he stopped walking and looked down, startled for a second and then looked up to the sky with a sigh. He had all of these habits now, and one was having his cellphone on him at all times so that his friends could call him if they needed him and now they were indeed calling him. He stuffed his right hand in his pocket while holding that side of his jacket with his left hand and cursing himself that picking up his cellphone was something he did without thinking but not his shoes.

He looked at the screen.

Sam.

He looked around, up and down the street, he didn't see the brothers or the car. He thought about ignoring the call. He thought about it and then he hung his head as he answered it.

"Hello, Sam," he mumbled into the speaker.

 _"Cas!"_  Sam seemed still in pain but surprised that Cas had answered the phone.  _"Where are you?"_

"It doesn't matter Sam, I'll be fine."

 _"Cas, just tell u- Hey!"_ There was a scuffle on the other end.

 _"Cas?"_  It was Dean's voice and Cas' head shot up.  _"Tell me where the hell you-"_ Cas never heard the rest because a siren blared into the speaker and Cas lifted the phone away from his ear until it passed. _"Where the hell are you?"_ Dean said again, a little annoyed.

 _"I told you it doesn't matter. I'll be fine, Dean."_ A siren passed Cas in the street and Cas closed his left eye as it made him deaf. "I'll find somewhere to go and I'll- I'll call you." There was no answer on the other end. "Dean?" _  
_

Then Sam spoke and Cas started slowly walking again, _"Cas, hey listen... What?"_ Sam spoke low and Cas waited on Sam finishing talking to Dean. _"Cas, Dean said to ask where you think you're going without your shoes?"_

"I told you-" Cas started exasperated and then grunting he hung up the phone.

He took a step to his right in fear when a car pulled up on his left. He turned to see Sam leaning out the window and Dean leaning across to see out.

"Taxi for Castiel," Dean said and smirked.

Cas stuffed his cell back in his pocket and started walking down the street. "Go away." The car started rolling with him as Dean looked between him and the road in front.

Dean started singing and Sam threw his head back laughing, " _Jump in my car, I wanna take you home, come on jump in my car, it's too far to walk on your own._ "

"Cas, come on." Sam smiled with a little brow scrunch, not understanding what the hell was going on.

" _Ah, come on now, it costs nothing to try and you'll arrive home nice and dry, ooh!_ " Dean kept bobbing his head and looking forward while Sam laughed.

"No, I'll just be in the way." Everyone watched them as the car slowly trailed after Cas who couldn't bring himself to think about the reference.

"That's it." Dean sped away and Cas stopped for a second as he was surprised and a little hurt. But he looked ahead to Dean pulling in to a parking spot and then jumping out the car, Cas watched him tell Sam to stay in the damn car or he'd shoot him and Cas had to try not to laugh.

He put his head down and tried to walk passed Dean. "Dean, just let me go."

"No." Dean side-stepped with Cas, even taking the steps backwards without looking behind him. "I told you I would fix this, that  _we_  would fix this and we will."

"Dean-"

"We will."

" _How?!_ " Cas shouted and Sam looked out of the window. "How, Dean? How are  _we_  going to fix this? Because  _I_  sure as Hell don't know how?" Dean just looked at him, speechless and his brow tensing while he searched for an answer in his head. "I don't know how to help Sam," he gestured to Sam in the car, Dean turned and Sam lowered his head, "and I don't know how to fix what I did."

Dean just shook his head gently. "I don't know either, Cas." He put his hands on Cas' arms and leaned to make him look him in the eyes. "But you have to let me try, together we can figure it out. We _can_."

Cas shook his head trying not to get upset but he was stood in a street without his shoes and people were staring at him, they had no idea what he had done or what Sam had tried and how he was suffering. They had no idea how, despite everything, these two brothers refused to let Cas walk away, refused to let him think he was alone.

Cas looked down still shaking his head and Dean lowered himself trying to figure out what was going on, was he going to suddenly make a break for it or was he going to fall to his knees and weep? Dean was prepared to catch him either way.

"I picked up my cellphone." His shoulders shook.

"What?" Dean looked to the side, that was not what he was expecting.

"I got out of there while you were focused on Sam and I picked up my cellphone," he looked up to Dean again, his eyes and nose puffy and red and biting his lip when he wasn't talking to stop himself sobbing, "why did I do that?" He pointed down. "I left my shoes and picked up my cellphone."

Cas' hands stayed at his side, his feet still stiff on the ground when he let Dean pull his body to lean into him and just hold him there, Cas didn't cry and Dean didn't say anything.

A few seconds passed and Cas took a step forward and Dean turned, his left arm still around his shoulders as they walked back to the car.

They got in calmly but Dean looked over to see Sam motionless in the front seat eyes closed and mouth open.

"Sam?" No answer. "Sam!" Dean turned towards him and Cas leaned forward to look over. "Sammy!"


	5. Chapter 5

Dean drove them back to the base as quick as he could without getting the attention of the cops and Cas helped him carrying Sam inside and to his bed. Dean tucked him in and pulled up a chair beside the bed.

"What are you doing?" Cas asked, stopping in the doorway on his way out.

"I'm watching over him," Dean answered and sat forward. He brought his hands up to a praying position under his chin but Cas knew it wasn't intentional.

"You need to sleep too," Cas said, remembering Dean making a point of that a long time ago. 

"Floor's fine." Dean sniffed and leaned back in his chair.

Cas nodded and disappeared down the hall.

About ten minutes later he appeared again and Dean lowered the magazine he'd swiped from Sam's nightstand. "What the hell is all of this?" Dean asked, looking at everything Cas was carrying.

Cas dumped something outside the door, threw Dean a pillow and then a blanket before smiling and disappearing again. Dean smiled to himself that, even after everything that had happened and was happening Cas was still looking out for him.

But Cas wasn't finished and Dean had to lower his magazine yet again about ten minutes later when Cas walked in holding various tubs, bottles and other things.

"Come on," Cas urged, his voice low in volume, he bent to place the things on the floor and then walked back to the doorway to pick up what he had dumped outside it. He then turned back in with a blanket and pillow of his own. "Dig in."

Dean looked at all of the food and... was that a pack of cards?

"What's going on?" Dean asked, also speaking low and glanced to Sam on the bed.

Cas dropped his blanket and pillow before sitting on the floor.

"You're going to sleep in here?" he asked and Dean nodded. "Well then, so am I." He lifted his bum to sit on the pillow and pulled the comforter over his legs. "Do you wish to sleep right now or are you hungry?" Cas gestured to the bag of chips and containers that Dean knew had left over pie in it.

 _T_ _hat wasn't fair,_ Dean thought.

Dean couldn't help but smile a little. "You don't have to do this, Cas," Dean said.

Cas looked up and smiled back. "I know. Do you know any card games? It's the quietest past time I could find."

Dean stood up and pushed the chair back a little, he looked to Sam before leaning down to join Cas on the floor, he popped the tops from the beer bottles and then put them back on the floor in between them.

"Poker," he said.

Cas held out the deck of cards to him and slowly opened the bag of chips, Sam moaned a little and they looked but when he fell silent again they shared a smile and Dean started to explain Texas Hold'em.

>><<

Sam woke the next morning, his head hurt and his bones hurt and, well, everything hurt. He slowly realized he was lying down and heard light snoring. He turned around on the bed and settled on his right side before opening his eyes a little.

Then he opened them all the way.

He looked at the scene before him and then lifted his head off of the bed, yes he was definitely awake.

Near the head of the bed was a chair, flush against the wall. On the floor was two pillows, two blankets, two empty chip packets, two empty containers, two forks, two empty beer bottles, a pile of cards and two sleeping figures. Two sleeping figures facing the same way. Dean had his back to the cabinet that lined the wall parallel to the bed, Cas had his back to Dean, both of them facing Sam. But what made Sam lean up on his right elbow was that, while Cas' left hand was tucked under his cheek on the pillow and his right was bent up just lying on the floor, Dean's right was over Cas' side and his left trailed the bottom of Cas' pillow while it tucked under Cas' neck. Both of their left hands a mere centimeter away from each others' - almost as if they had been holding on and loosened their grip as they fell asleep.

Sam looked at the scene before him and wasn't sure what to do, should he wake them up and ask them about it, should he point out that this wasn't the first time this had happened or-?

_Shit._

Dean stirred and Sam fell to the bed shutting his eyes, the decision was made for him when he heard Dean mumble and wake up.

Sam didn't know what happened since his eyes were closed but if he had been able to watch he would have seen Dean wake up and realize, he would have seen him lift his head a little to check that Cas was asleep and then he would have seen Dean look to Sam to see if he was okay. Sam, feigning sleep, mumbled something and wiggled his nose before rubbing it and settling again. Sam would have then seen Dean look back to Cas and then decide that, no, in all honesty, he didn't want to move, and since everyone was asleep he wouldn't be caught. So he laid back down, closed his eyes and buried his face into the back of Cas' neck nudging his nose against the little hairs there. Cas sighed and when Dean twitched his fingers just ever so slightly he felt Cas' touch his.

Dean decided that he would freak out in the morning.

When he heard light snoring Sam opened his eyes again and saw Cas had tipped his right side back just a little so that he leaned against Dean whose arm was pulled tight around him, keeping him close. Sam blinked a few times and then, not knowing what the hell else to do, closed his eyes again.

>><<

_"You don't think I've been in your shoes?" Dean looked to Alistair as he stood watching. "I have."_

_The woman shook and sobbed when Dean's gaze returned to her._

_"How long have you been in here?" The woman didn't answer. "Don't worry, Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on."_

_Alistair laughed behind them and Dean smiled._

_"My name isn't Wilson," The woman sobbed._

_Dean shook his head. "No, no it's a film. Has anyone ever told you that you're hard to have a conversation with?"_

_Alistair looked to the side and then lifted off the door as if someone had just whispered something he didn't like but Dean didn't see._

_"See, it's hard..." Dean eyed a knife on the table, he liked the look of it; cold, clean and new. "It's hard to," he walked over to it, "have a conversation when the other person doesn't talk." Dean sighed. "It's rude, actually. Isn't it, Alistair?" He turned to look at his mentor._

_Alistair looked back to Dean, something akin to worry in his eyes. "Very rude," Alistair agreed._

_He smiled and Dean inquired with an eyebrow._

_I_ _n response Alistair smiled and walked to the table before he spoke, "You see, we can keep talking but," he picked up a needle and turned to the woman while Dean turned on his heels to watch, "we were trying to include you."_

_Dean smiled and walked towards the woman._

>><<

Dean gasped awake as he sunk the knife in.

He was alone so he leaned up on his elbow to. He realized he was still on the floor. He looked around the room and remembered it was Sam's floor. He pulled the blanket back and sat up, the mess from the night before was gone and so were Sam and Cas. He stood and walked along the hallway and into the main room to see Sam at the table, leaning over some book.

"Hey," Dean mumbled looking around the room, Cas nowhere to be seen. "How'd you sleep?"

Sam nodded. "Fine." He smiled and then looked back to his book, Dean opened his mouth to speak but never got that far. "He's in the archive," Sam said so that Dean didn't have to ask.

Dean paused and nodded before hitting his right fist softly against his left palm and turning to walk away. Sam smiled but didn't look up.

Dean walked down the stairs and into the room, it was still dark and he peered in tentatively. "Cas?" he asked the room softly.

"Yes, Dean?" Cas' voice spiked from the left of Dean and he jumped a little.

"Jeez..." Dean calmed. "Why are you in the dark?"

Cas turned back to the files. "I can see fine. How did you sleep?"

Dean paused. "Uh yeah, fine." He hesitated for a while and Cas apparently found what he was looking for so he closed the file he had open, keeping it in his right hand, and walked passed Dean. "Cas?" Dean turned to look at him as Cas stopped and turned back. "I just wanted to say thank you-" He took a breath. "-For staying with me last night. You didn't have to do that."

There was a beat and Dean never seen Cas smile a little since the light behind him cast a shadow on his face.

"You are welcome, Dean. Thank you for teaching me those card games," Cas replied.

Dean exhaled a laugh looking down to the ground and Cas turned to walk away again. "I uh..." Cas turned yet again and Dean had to force the words out. "I hope I didn't squash you." When he didn't get an answer he knew Cas was narrowing his eyes slightly. "I think I was..." He scratched the back of his head slightly embarrassed and cleared his throat. "...spooning you a little bit."

"Spooning? Are you referring to embracing me while we slept?" Dean laughed again. "Don't worry Dean, it was nice." He turned and left.

Dean stood there in the darkness looking at the figure walking away and he looked to the side when the corner of his mouth threatened to lift.

"You have got to be kidding me?!" Crowley's voice drawled out and laughter followed.

Dean's eyes widened, he'd forgotten about Crowley.

Then he got mad and glared in the Demon's direction. "Shut up!" Dean demanded then walked away and slammed the door on the echoing laughter.


	6. Chapter 6

_The next night._

Dean couldn't sleep.

That had not happened to Dean in a long time, he had had nights where he was woken up by noise outside, by worries or by dreams. But never, in the past decade at least had Dean had real trouble getting  _to_  sleep. He may have had nights where he couldn't sit still, couldn't relax, didn't have the time or just didn't want to sleep. But right then Dean was lying in bed yawning and comfortable and yet he just felt strange. He couldn't put his finger on why and he was sure it was that confusion that was keeping him awake by now. He'd been lying in bed for three hours and he had been all over it. Left, middle, side. In the covers, out the covers. Head on the pillow, head off. Feet on the pillow, feet off. He'd thrown the pillow to the floor and then leaned over to pick it back up again. He'd gone from fully clothed to down to his boxers. And he had brushed his teeth three times.

"This is friggin' ridiculous," he mumbled to himself.

He pulled the covers back and hauled himself up. He stuck his head out of the door and looked this way and that - silence. The coast being clear Dean padded down to the bathroom and shut the door over a little. He sighed and then ran the water before looking in the mirror. He inspected his face; it was obvious he was tired and it was obvious that something was keeping him awake but he couldn't think what. He had checked on Sam and after waking him up the fourth time he had narrowly avoided whatever it was Sam had picked up and threw at him, he hadn't dared to put his head back in to see what it was. Dean mumbled in his head about how it better not be anything of his. He cupped his hands together and brought them under the water, he then splashed his face.

"Dean?" Dean paused, blowing the water out of his mouth hearing Cas on the other side of the door. "You alright?"

"Yeah." He raised his voice so he could be heard on the other side and it echoed slightly, "Door's open."

The bathroom door opened a little and Cas poked his head in as Dean splashed his face again. Dean reached his left hand out towards the handrail for the towel but he couldn't quite get it. Cas stepped into the room, he grasped the towel and pulled it off the bar just enough that Dean's fingers found it. Dean felt Cas' fingers tickled the palm of his hands as he handed Dean the towel.

"Thanks," he croaked.

Cas smiled. "Good night, Dean," he said and turned as Dean wiped his face.

"Tired," Dean mumbled into the towel, drying his face quickly to talk as Cas turned back to listen. Dean straightened up and took a step towards him.

"I'm sorry?" Cas asked in confusion.

Dean blew into the towel, the way you do when you're drying your face and you have no reason for it then lowered it.

"You asked me why you picked up your coat, knowing your cell was in the pocket, and not your shoes. You're tired. You're tired of running and doing it alone. You want to fix this Cas," Cas inhaled catching up to what Dean meant, "and you know that together we can. You picked up your cell phone because you know that you need us and we need you. We've always needed you." He shrugged. "That's the hard truth, Cas. You walked away because you thought you were doing the best for Sam and me but a part of you hoped that you were wrong."

Cas exhaled. "I still could have picked up my shoes."

Dean shook his head. "You don't need shoes in the Impala."

Cas' whole face relaxed in mild shock.

They looked at each other for a few seconds and then Cas reached forward to take one edge of the towel. He raised it slowly and Dean opened his hand to let the weight of the towel rest on his open palms. Cas used his right to pad the side of Dean's face that he had missed and then he used the other edge and his other hand to dab the other side. 

"How are the nightmares?" Cas muttered, daring to look at Dean.

Dean looked him in the eye.

 _Nightmares. Is that what they were? They don't feel that bad,_ Dean thought.

"I'm sorry, Dean." Cas finished rubbing the sides of Dean's face. "I have made you uncomfortable. Forget I asked."

"No." Dean shook his head. "No, you didn't. The mention of it does make me uncomfortable but  _you_  didn't." Cas looked at him and Dean looked away before taking the towel with him to put on the bar again. "They're fine. I'm fine." He smiled and patted Cas on the shoulder as he passed him. "Get some sleep Cas."

He wandered back to his bedroom and closed the door. He rubbed the side of his face before walking back to his bed and trying again.

>><<

_Dean walked down one dark and damp corridor after another with Alistair. "New one today, Dean."_

_"What happened to that chick?"_

_"Folded." Dean raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, Issac was teaching a new recruit last night and I said he could use ours as a guinea pig." They turned right. "I never thought she'd turn, I thought another two or three sessions."_

_"Tell me it wasn't the new guy?" Dean showed the disgust on his face._

_"No, it was Issac," Alistair said and then continued without a beat, "You need to let go, Dean." He stopped and put his hand out to stop Dean too. They looked at each other. "You've been holding back and I let you," Dean looked to the side. "You were easing in but now..." He trailed off and narrowed his eyes at the wall beside Dean's knees. Dean looked down at it and back to Alistair. "Now, I need to go."_

_Dean put his hand out. "Wait, what?"_

_Alistair looked back to Dean. "I have an urgent matter to attend to."_

_Dean shook his head. "Wha-No, we have work to do?"_

_Alistair's lip twitched and Dean's body language changed, it shrunk a little._

_"I have to go," Alistair repeated. "You'll have to do this on your own." He suddenly grabbed Dean's shirt and shoved him against the wall, Dean looked at him. "Listen to me, we work together but I am your boss. You are costing me not only in souls but in reputation." He brought his face close to Dean's and Dean pouted a little, hating being reminded that he was somebody's bitch. When he spoke Alistair's voice was more of a whisper than usual and somehow more threatening, "Get in there and do what you're here to do. I can see it in your eyes, Dean. The hunger." He smiled. "It's feeding time." He looked over Dean's face, gestured to the door behind them before letting go and walking calmly away. "Give James my regards."_

_Dean watched him walk away and exhaled to himself before turning to the door. He paused and steeled himself._

_Alistair was right, there was a hunger in him. A hunger long ignored. A hunger long ready._

_He opened the door and smiled as he saw an older man, of about fifty, dark hair and stubble._

_He closed the door behind him. The man was just standing there, he seemed shocked but not frightened._

_"This is Hell isn't it?" he asked._

_Dean smiled. "Yes, sir," he said without thinking, out of habit. Dean couldn't help but look at the man. He knew what he was seeing, he knew he saw the resemblance. "James." He let the name curl out into the air. Even the name was similar._

_"I know what you are and you ain't going to get shit out of me," James spat._

_Dean smirked. "I was hoping you'd say that... Sir,"_ _Dean said, thinking about his father._

>><<

Dean opened his eyes slowly and deliberately. He sighed before closing them again and dragging himself up and out of bed. At least he had eventually fell asleep. He went to the bathroom, washed up and brushed his teeth before wandering back to his room and finding clothes.

As he was pulling pants on he saw Sam appear in the doorway. "Sorry, you missed the start of the show," he joked.

Sam scoffed and just stood there. "How did you sleep?"

Dean looked up with his back to Sam as he picked up a shirt from the floor. "Fine." He turned. "Why?"

Sam shrugged his shoulders. "No reason."

Dean hooked the top over his head and watched Sam. He looked to Dean smiled and then looked around the room. Dean put his arms in the shirt and just waited, it was coming.

"So did you sleep on the bed or the floor?" Sam eventually asked.

"The bed?" Dean answered in confusion, screwing up his eyes.

Sam nooded and looked to it, he put his hands in his front pants pockets. "And, uh, did Cas join you this time?"

Dean raised an eyebrow, and there was what Sam really wanted to ask about. "Sam, what are you talking about? We slept on the floor in your room to make sure you were okay?"

Sam smiled. "Yes, but it's not the first time you two have woken up together, is it?"

Dean suddenly remembered all of those months ago in the motel room. "Aw come on, Sam!" He pushed passed him into the corridor. "That was just two guys who got drunk and passed out. That's all!"

Sam followed him. "Maybe, but you weren't drunk the other night, were you?"

"I already told you. I was watching over you and Cas was keeping me company." Dean lowered his voice. "Where is he anyway?"

"In the tub," Sam said. Dean nodded and they kept walking to the kitchen. "Dean-"

"Sam, just drop it, okay? Don't be such a teenage girl."

Sam sighed. "Fine." He walked to the refrigerator and poked his head in.

Dean looked at him, he made to turn away but then turned back. "What's the big deal anyway?" he asked, Sam looked to the right, back at Dean. "So, we fell asleep on the floor, that was the plan anyway." Sam leaned his arm on the fridge door. "And I mean, we sat up eating and playing poker. That's just what you do, right?"

Sam raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, I guess."

Dean nodded. "Yeah." He walked to the cupboard.

"I don't know how many times I've fallen asleep at Stanford, you know, you're studying," Sam took the bacon and various other things out of the fridge and walked over to Dean, "you overwork it and you pass out. It's normal."

Dean took the things from his brother. "Yeah, exactly," he agreed.

"And I mean, don't worry about the spooning," Dean paused and looked at Sam who's face was deadly serious, "it's natural to roll towards body heat." Dean thought about it. "It doesn't mean anything."

Dean nodded looking back to what he was doing, which he had slowed down to listen to Sam pacing behind him.

"You just sling one arm over whoever is in front of you, I mean it doesn't matter who it is, you're asleep you don't know. Could be anyone, could be Crowley for all you know," Sam joked.

Dean laughed. "Yeah." He nodded to himself.

"And I mean if you move closer to them, don't worry about that either because that's just a combination of the heat and comfort for your arm that does that.  _I've_  done that." He pointed to himself and Dean turned.

"Really?" Dean asked as Sam picked a pan off the hook and held it out for him.

"Yeah!" He scoffed. Dean turned back to the cooker and took the pan. "I mean I can't count how many times I've woken up with their hair tickling my nose. But like a nice tickle, you know?"

"Yeah." Dean smiled a little. "And the smell?"

"Aw dude, _the smell!_ " Sam walked to stand beside Dean. "Yeah, you can smell whatever they use on their hair and the smell of them at the same time, just," Sam pointed to the back of his own neck," at the base right there," Dean glanced and nodded, "where the hair starts."

"And it's awkward so you have to put your arm-" Dean wiggled his left arm as the bacon and sausages began to sizzle. Sam cracked a couple of eggs into a different pan and Dean turned the heat on for those too. "You have to find somewhere for it, so you just-"

"Tuck it under their neck, yeah," Sam finished.

Dean was listening the whole time, relaxing into the conversation, just knowing it was normal and watching the food. Breakfast for three.

"Yeah, you know it's going to go numb but it's better that way because you get close enough to the neck," Sam continued.

Dean smiled and nodded more obviously and enthusiastically. "Yeah, there's nowhere else to put it."

"Yeah and you know..." Sam stepped closer to Dean, talking with his right hand and Dean turned his head to look again. "... Sometimes..." He paused, his voice lowering a little. "When you've got your arm over their waist, their back is flush against you-" Dean felt himself remember it, he shifted a little on his feet, was the cooker really letting off that much heat. "-and you can feel every inhale and every exhale against you, so much so that at some point, you don't know when but at some point your breathing synced up..." Dean thought back, it did. "... and your nose tickles up and down that little patch at the back while your arm snakes under their neck." He bit his lip, as if he was about to admit a deep secret to Dean, "Sometimes..." He hesitated. "... It's  _mad-_ " Sam widened his eyes and Dean shook his head while is brow dipped, completely immersed and wanting to know. "-But sometimes you feel your hand curl around theirs, you can feel your fingers between theirs and the best bit is when they squeeze back a little."

There was a silence over them both for a moment.

"Yeah," Dean whispered with a small smile on his face. He turned to Sam, completely surprised. "You and your buddies really fall asleep like that?"

"No man." Sam slapped him on the shoulder. "I was talking about Jess." He walked out of the kitchen, smug as shit, and Dean paused mid stir. He turned a sausage and thought about what Sam had said, what he had been thinking of and just what the Hell Sam had just pulled.

Dean didn't say anything for a minute before he scoffed. "I knew that," he said, trying to shrug it off. "Whatever, I knew that," he said as he intensely checking the eggs.

>><<

Dean finished cooking and Cas walked into the kitchen.

There was various things on the counter where Dean was stood; three plates and cutlery for all of them in a pile, various sauce bottles and napkins as well coffee poured into three cups just how each take it.

"Hey," Dean muttered and turned back, "yours is the one without beans." He pointed and Cas stepped forward.

Sam walked in behind Cas, when Cas picked up his plate and cup he moved out the way for Sam to take his.

"Thank you, Dean," Cas said but he was smiling at his plate as he walked out.

"This one?" Sam pointed to Dean's plate.

"Yeah, you wish." Dean moved his plate over.

"What, did you slaughter your own pig? Come on man, give me a sausage." Sam moved his hand over Dean's plate and Dean moved his plate further away. "Just one!"

"You have three!" Dean gestured his head.

"Come on!" Sam tried again and Cas reappeared in the door as they argued.

He walked over while Dean and Sam were still gesturing back and forward.

"Sam, come on I-" Dean stopped dead, holding his plate in the air and his cutlery tucked in his right hand, Sam stopped too, Dean looked down and Sam followed his eyeline to see two hands on Dean's hips. They looked to Cas who was holding onto Dean to look to the side of them. "Cas?" Dean asked.

"Sorry," Cas nipped in between Sam and Dean, brushing against Dean's hip, "go back to arguing," he reached forward and picked up the ketchup, "forgot this." He smiled at Sam then Dean and disappeared again.

Sam looked to Dean who slowly looked up. Sam picked up his plate and cup before he leaned into Dean's ear.

"You're going to Hell," Sam said then shifted. "Again," he added then he disappeared down the hall with a smirk on his face.

Dean, however, was frozen to the spot and turned his head to see Sam disappear out of the door before he looked back to his plate. He swallowed hard and shook his head before he turned to follow them out.


	7. Chapter 7

_"So, quick question," Dean said as he and Alistair were walking down another corridor, the sounds of crying in the distance and mumbles from the cages they passed. "Anyone down here that I know?"_

_Alistair smirked and glanced to Dean. "Now be careful there, Dean." Dean looked to the floor. "Do you mean someone you've heard of or someone that you actually know?"_

_"Heard of," Dean said, face stern. He did not want to go down the other road._

_"Well, I don't know Dean..." He trailed off._

_"Cut the shit Alistair, I know you know everything about me." Alistair looked at Dean, almost too proud to be mad. "Let's not forget our dance before this, we've been working together for a long time but we've been down here a lot longer. You knew things only I know."_

_Alistair sighed. "Yes. It is the only way this works down here."_

_"Spare me the apology." Dean screwed up his face._

_"I wasn't going to apologize."_

_Dean nodded. "Good. Come on, who?" Alistair laughed. "Spill."_

_"Tommy Ramone, Scotty Asheton, Andy Johns. For starters."_

_"No way!" Dean looked at him. "Andy? He was a brilliant producer." Alistair nodded and Dean sighed. "Almost wished I hadn't asked now."_

_"Yes, and Allen Collins." Alistair walked a couple of steps as Dean stopped and he turned to face him again._

_"Who's that?" Dean asked._

_Alistair smiled. "Dean, you just said I know everything about you. That includes your secret love for Lynyrd Skynyrd." Dean looked to the side. "Dean, you're already in Hell. No one is going to punish you for being a Lynyrd Roadie." He walked away._

_Dean looked after him then followed. "I am not a Roadie," he protested._

_Alistair laughed._

>><<

Dean opened his eyes with an inhale.

"You're safe." Dean looked to Cas in the driver's seat, he glanced to Dean as he spoke, "You're safe."

Dean looked back to Sam in the back seat, sound asleep. "Why didn't he wake me if he needed to sleep?"

"Because you were actually sleeping peacefully for a while," Cas replied and Dean watched his movements, they were stiff and unsure while his eyes were narrowed in concentration.

Dean sat up and rubbed his face. "When did you learn to drive?"

"Sam quickly told me the basics, he finally seemed comfortable enough to fall asleep about an hour in."

Dean looked out of the window. It was dark and he had forgotten all about where they were going or what they were doing. And he couldn't place that smell.

"We're still a good few hours from the base, there's a burger for you there." Dean looked back to see Cas pointed to a bag in between them.

"Oh, right." He picked up the bag and opened it. "Thanks."

Dean pulled the wrapped off of the burger enough to take a bite and the car fell silent for a few minutes.

"That one didn't seem as severe as the others," Cas offered as Dean chewed.

Dean looked to him, knowing what he was referring to but using the burger as an excuse not to answer.

However, Cas persisted, "You didn't seem so distressed this time."

"Cas-"

"I'm sorry," Cas interrupted, "I just-" he turned to look at Dean and then burst out laughing.

"What?" Dean looked then found himself smiling at Cas laughing. "What is it?"

"You've got ketchup." Cas pointed to his own face.

Dean put his thumb on the side of his face but when he pulled it back to look there was nothing on it. "Where?" he asked.

"Th-" Cas pointed. "There." But Dean missed it again. "Hold on." Cas glanced to the road before cupping Dean's face with his right hand and using his thumb to wipe the sauce. Dean was frozen looking between him and the road. Cas looked around for a napkin but couldn't find one so he sighed. "I hate chilli." He smiled and sighed, going to lick it off.

"I got it." Dean used his own thumb to drag the chilli off and put it in his mouth.

Then he found a napkin and he took Cas' hand to wipe his thumb for him while Cas looked back to the road smiling. Dean looking from Cas' hand to his face. He held Cas' wrist with his left and rubbed the napkin with his right, his thumb came from the middle of Cas' wrist onto the palm of his hand. Dean twitched his thumb and he looked at it as he moved it from side to side a couple of times, he didn't realize he was doing it until Cas turned to look.

"I think it's gone," Cas said, he smiled and Dean suddenly looked up letting Cas' hand go.

"Yeah." He folded and used the napkin to wipe the rest of his face and Cas gave him another glance before looking back to the road, he yawned and Dean cleared his throat. "Pull in and we'll switch."

"I'm perfectly fine. Just talk to me, it'll keep me awake," Cas said.

"What?" Dean looked to the road then back to Cas. "Cas, you shouldn't be driving if you need me to talk to you to keep you awake."

"I don't _need_ you to." He slowed at the end of the road and looked before turning left. "I just _want_ you to talk to me."

"Why?" Dean looked into the back at Sam, he was still asleep.

Cas shrugged. "I like talking to you." Dean went silent for a few minutes. "You don't have to-"

"No." Cas turned his head. "I want to," Dean said and then inhaled. "You ever listened to Lynyrd Skynyrd?"

>><<

They pulled up to the base and Dean leaned back to hit Sam's leg. "Sammy." Sam jolted awake. "We're home."

"Base?" Sam asked, his eyes still half closed and his voice a croak.

Dean sighed. "Yes, Sam. The base. Home." He gestured and opened his door before looking at Cas and getting out.

Cas and Sam got out as Dean's door closed.

"Sorry I slept most of the way, did I miss anything?" Sam asked Dean as they walked around to join Cas walking into the base.

Dean turned and smiled. "No."

>><<

_"I thought you might enjoy this one," Alistair muttered as he reached for the door._

_Dean followed him inside and looked to the man standing there before him. "Mr Zutterberg?"_

_"What do you want from me?" he spat._

_The man, who had to be in his late fifties by now, had a full head of grey hair and tough skin, he looked at Dean the exact same way he looked at Alistair. With distaste. Not fear. Just annoyance._

_Dean looked back to Alistair who had closed the door. He smiled and nodded. "Point." Which Dean knew by now was that he got to lead._

_Dean looked back to him. "You don't know me?" The guy just looked at Dean. "You don't remember me?"_

_"I asked you what you wanted!" he shouted as he sat on his chair, clearly having given up trying to move._

_"Dean?" Dean said, gesturing to himself. The man just stared. "Dean Winchester?" He looked like the name rang a bell but couldn't grab it. "I was in your class for three months, my little brother had you too, Sam."_

_"Sam Winchester..." The man looked down. "Yes, I remember him."_

_Dean sighed._

_Alistair laughed and Dean turned. "What? It surprises you, it's how it's always been, Dean."_

_"You made my life hell and you don't even remember me?" Dean shouted facing Alistair but his eyes were to the side and it was aimed to the man behind him._

_"Dean," the man strained to point as Dean turned, "I remember you, you were a monster!"_

_Dean took a step forward and grabbed under the man's neck, he gasped and looked down at Dean's hands then back up. "Oh, you've no idea."_

Cas was walking along the base when he heard it. He heard the low level muttering and the moaning.

He stopped at Dean's door and saw him writhing in the bed, he pushed the door open and it creaked just a little. As the light swept into the room and over Dean it caught the sweat covering Dean. Cas took a step into the room and followed it with his eyes; up Dean's calves, over his bowed-knees and up his thighs which tensed. The sides of his boxers were slightly darker than the rest from the sweat. Cas saw Dean's left fist lift from the bed and slam back down. He walked slowly to the side of the bed as Dean carried on mumbling and squirming about on top of the covers he had clearly thrown off and half tucked back underneath him.

"I was just a kid..." he muttered.

Cas looked over Dean's torso tight with pain, not physical pain perhaps but emotional pain. Cas knew that, no matter how brave the face that Dean put on was, he suffered when he wasn't able to hold the wall up. When the mask slipped. He looked to Dean's face and it contorted into anguish, the sheer purity of the emotion breaking Castiel's heart. He looked around the room, Dean's clothes had been thrown over a chair in the corner except for his t-shirt that it looked like he had elected to wear to bed but threw that to the floor in the night. It was also covered in sweat that appeared to be drying.

"I tried-" Dean mumbled again. "You didn't- Didn't try to understand... I was in pain-" Dean kept muttering.

_"I was in pain," Dean almost whispered while he carved something into the man's arm as he screamed. "You didn't even ask. You just assumed that I was the trouble teenager." He bared his teeth as he hit deeper and the man cried out for Dean to stop. "I wanted you to stop too, all you did was get on my back. You refused to help me." He pulled the knife out and the man kept crying, he pointed it at his nose and he looked up to Dean. "You thought you knew it all."_

_"He liked Sam?"_

_Dean turned at Alistair's question and then looked back to him before nodding. "Oh yeah, everyone did. Sam." Dean sighed. "Always about Sam," he muttered to himself and Alistair listened intently._

_"You were a lost cause!" the man shouted to Dean and he screwed up his eyes. "You had accepted your life, Sam had a chance of breaking out. Think about it, you're here, where is Sam?"_

_Dean leaned down and whispered, "I'm in here..." The man looked at him as he nodded angrily. "I'm doing all of this, so that Sam doesn't have to."_

"Sam... doing it for Sam." Dean tossed his head to the side and then back again.

Cas leaned forward, unable to stand to watch any more. "Dean?"

"Doing as Dad said..." He moaned in pain.

"Dean?" Cas bit his lip, unsure if he should. "Dean?" He shook Dean's shoulder and automatically let go again when he felt the heat. "Wow."

He looked down and couldn't think of another solution so he put his hand gingerly on Dean's forehead and to Cas' amazement his voice lowered just a little.

"Just trying to be there-" He sighed.

Cas moved his hand to the other side of his head. "Shh..." Cas shook his head. This wasn't fair.

"Sam-" Dean turned his head to the side Cas' hand lay, Cas moved it to lie on Dean's left cheek. He moaned softly. "Trying to do what's ri-"

Cas wiped his hand on the cover, he moved up the bed a little and used his left to cup the right side of Dean's face. Dean turned towards him. "Shh, you'll be alright," Cas whispered.

"Cas..." Cas stilled a second and then switched hands again. "Cas, is that you?" Dean croaked.

"Shh, go back to sleep," Cas whispered again into the darkness. "You're okay, you're just burning up. I'll leave you alone." He withdrew his hand and moved to stand at the same time.

Dean sat up minutely, reached out and gently took his hand, he stopped and looked back to Dean, mid-stand. "Please." He sighed. "Don't go."

Cas slowly sat back down. "I'm not going anywhere." Dean nodded and let himself fall back to the bed. He let his hand fall back to the bed too and Cas put his hand on Dean's neck. He moaned at the contact and Cas inhaled. He padded his hand up his neck as Dean faced the other man. He started to slowly relax and Cas watched his breathing start to calm. He traced his fingers up and down the side of Dean's neck, he didn't know why he was doing it other than he wanted to and it seemed to calm Dean, he nudged up even further to be closer to Dean's head, he looked down when Dean's left arm slung around his waist. His hand lay limp against his waist, its index finger just touched the bed. But he didn't stop. He tickled his neck and his shoulders until he heard the steady approach of snoring from Dean.

Cas couldn't leave. He knew he could never walk through that door, no, tonight Dean needed watched over. So he picked up Dean's arm, slowly slipped from the bed, put Dean's arm back down and found the chair in the corner, he fussed with the chair and quietly sat in it. He knew how to do this, he had seen Dean do it, he leaned forward, put his hands out in front of him in a prayer position. After an hour or so Dean hadn't made a sound except snoring and Cas could feel himself getting heavy so he leaned back in the seat, putting his feet out to steady himself.

He watched over Dean that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify that I meant no disrespect by saying that Tommy Ramone (a member of the Ramones), Scotty Asheton (drummer for The Stooges), Andy Johns (music producer who worked with bands such as Led Zeppeln) or Allen Collins (former member of Lynyrd Skynyrd) are in this Hell. I was merely creating a scene that establishes the relationship between Alistair and Dean & that Dean likes things he says he doesn't. I meant no disrespect to these deceased musicians, their lives, their work, their suffering or their families, fans and friends. None what so ever.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Cas' turn to have a little dream. And Dean gets a little handsy.

_"Cas, use your legs." Dean laughed despite himself as he helped Cas into the room._

_"Why are you laughing?" Cas asked but he was smiling as Dean stumbled backwards to the door to close it with his body._

_"I don't know." Dean smiled and hobbled back over to the bed. "Just me carrying an angel."_

_"I'm sorry, I will try to-" Cas slurred._

_"No, I don't mind but I've been in Hell." He waited and paused as Cas lifted his head and then he started to laugh. "See what I mean?"_

_Cas nodded. "Yes, I do." They stumbled towards the bathroom, Cas having already said he need to go. "You know, some people think you're not smart," Dean looked, "but you have some funny stuff in-in there." He lifted his left arm to point to Dean's head and his body weight fell forward._

_"Whoa, Cas!"_

_The two of them stumbled backwards and fell onto the floor, Dean on top of Cas. They started laughing again and Dean put his hands out to lift himself up to look down, his knees resting on either side of Cas' hips._

_"_ _Sorry," Cas mumbled looking up._

_"Me too," Dean offered coming a little further over Cas to look right down. "Thanks for the soft landing though." They laughed again and then the laughter slowly died leaving just their smiles._

_They just looked at each other. It was dark in the room and they hadn't been able to turn the light on since they came in but the bathroom light lit up Dean's face. The alcohol meant his pupils were so small that Cas would swear it was just two green circles looking back at him. And that's when Cas' hand reached to touch Dean's cheek. He didn't know why and Dean didn't even seem phased by it._

_He just smiled._

"Cas?" Cas heard Dean's voice and he shook awake. "Cas?"

"Dean!" Cas startled awake and shot up from the chair as Dean took a step back to let him. He grabbed Dean's shoulders. "Are you alright, what's wrong?" he asked, frantic.

Dean put his hands up to grasp onto Cas' arms too. "I'm fine." He smiled a little. "It's morning."

"Oh." Cas looked around. "I must have drifted off." Dean nodded, still smiling. "I'm sorry."

"What were you doing sleeping in the chair?" Dean smiled, neither of them had let go of the other yet. "Your back must be killing you."

"I was watching over you." Dean's smile fell a little. "Did I do it wrong?"

Dean took a second to answer, "Watching over me?"

Cas nodded. "Like you do with Sam." He looked back to the chair. "I thought I had it right."

Dean slowly let go of Cas' arms and Cas turned to look. "You didn't do it wrong Cas, but you don't need to do that. I'm not your responsibility." Dean turned and walked away.

Cas watched him. "Yes, you are," he whispered and looked back to the neatly made bed. Like a marine. "You always have been."

Dean stood on the other side of the wall having heard him and slowly walked away.

>><<

"Dude." Dean grabbed Sam by the shirt and pulled him back into the kitchen.

"Dean!" Sam shouted as Dean threw him against the wall.

"I am freaking out," Dean whispered.

"Why are we whispering?" Sam ducked his head a little.

"Because I am freaking out about-" Dean suddenly snapped back. What the Hell was he doing? It was in his imagination. It was. He was being silly. He felt Cas' hand on him last night and he tried to push it down. Imagination.

"About...?" Sam waited and looked as Dean slowly let him go.

"This whole..." Dean sighed. "Angels falling thing." He nodded. "Yeah, and I didn't want Cas to hear. You know? But I'm overreacting. Ignore me." He smiled. "What, uh..." He looked around the kitchen. "Whatcha doing?"

Sam slightly relaxed against the wall. "Well, I was about to go on a case."

"What?" Dean looked to his hand that he saw had paper in it. "No way." He snatched it and ran when Sam chased him. "Nope."

They ran into the main room, Sam trying to reach around Dean to grab the paper back but Dean strong arming him away and burling around the room.

"Dean!" Sam protested, transporting back twenty years in an instant.

Dean stopped on the other side of the table and Sam sighed. "Demon?" He tilted his head. "No way."

"What's this?" Dean turned to his right a little as Cas appeared behind him, reading over his shoulder. "We got a case?"

Dean stared for a second and Sam watched. Cas turned his eyes to Dean and Dean came back to himself rubbing his eyes.

"Uh, well  _I_  do," Dean corrected and looked at Sam pointedly.

"Dean!" Sam ran around the table and Dean went the other way.

Cas shook his head, deciding it was none of his business and walked into the kitchen rubbing his neck.

Dean walked around to Sam's side and Sam tried to snatch the paper. Dean glared at him and put it behind his back as he followed Cas.

He whispered, "Just." He put it in his other hand. "Just wait."

Sam turned to see Dean, in his bath robe, follow Cas into the kitchen.

"That was quick. Do you want coffee?" Cas smiled as he looked up.

"Yeah, thanks." Dean pointed as he took a step forward. Sam was listening at the door. "Is your neck sore?"

"It'll be fine. "Cas smiled a little embarrassed. "Don't worry."

"You shouldn't have slept in that chair." He let his hand hang at his side and Sam looked at the paper that Cas had his back to Dean, filling the filter.

"Where else would I have slept?" Cas exhaled. "You asked me to stay so there was no way I was leaving you."

Sam furrowed his brow. _He asked him to stay?_ Sam was suddenly wondering if he wanted to hear this.

"I don't know," Dean shrugged and Sam's eyebrows raised, he knew what was coming next, "you could have... you know..." Sam stepped back as Cas turned to face Dean. "It's a queen bed." He shrugged again and Sam smiled.

Cas thought back to his dream. _Was that a dream or was I remembering their drunken night?_ He wasn't sure.

"It's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before." Dean lightly patted his hand on the counter looking at it. "And I mean, we wouldn't have had to be anywhere near each other like on Sam's floor. Not unless-Uh, but you've clearly hurt yourself." Dean pointed to Cas' neck.

Sam shook his head. His brother was a dumbass. Sam wandered into the kitchen snatching the paper.

"You know, Dean took a class in massage," Sam said and smiled, looking from Cas to Dean as Dean turned to look, firstly at the paper, then at Sam himself.

"You did?" Cas asked as more of a musing than an actual conversation.

"Uh-huh, yeah." Sam smiled at Dean who was still glaring for a second before he turned, switching to a smile.

"Yeah, I wasn't very good at it though." He scoffed still smiling and shook his head.

"Try." Sam pushed him towards Cas and he took one heavy step while looking to Sam confused.

"No, really I'm-" Cas turned to the coffee machine as it finished.

"It's the least he can do!" Sam smiled and looked to Dean. "It's your fault he's in pain, after all." When Dean's fell a little to the floor Sam knew he could walk away.

"Is it okay if I...?" Dean barely croaked. What was Sam playing at? But he had a point. Cas was not used to sleeping in chairs. Cas was not used to sleeping.

"Honestly, you don't have to-" Cas poured the coffee for them.

"I know." Dean cracked his knuckles. It would have been better if Cas was sitting or lying down but there was no way Dean was going out there and doing this in front of Sam.

What Dean didn't realise was that Sam had grabbed his coat and sneaked out. Paper in hand. And grin on his face.

Cas put the coffee down and turned. "Why would you take a massage lesson?"

Dean gestured for Cas to turn back around and he did. Dean slowly reached for Cas' shoulders, as if they were on fire. As if it would burn.

When he finally touched them and squeezed Cas stayed tense. "I was chasing a Djiin."

Cas started to relax and so did Dean, he was still going to kill Sam.

"A massaging Djiin?" Cas laughed and Dean smiled. "That's innovative."

"Yeah, think about you, you get to touch people. They start to relax and you slowly introduce the poison, they never freak out or try to run." He shrugged a little. "Genius really."

"Yeah," Cas said and Dean's eye widened because, well, because that had came out as a groan rather than a full word and Dean felt himself tighten.

No way, Winchester. Pull away. Pull away.

Cas' head fell forward and he leaned on the counter. "Mmm. I see you passed," he muttered. His hips were barely a whisper way from Dean's now.

Dean let out a little laugh. "I would have if I hadn't, you know, ganked the teacher." Cas let out a laugh and then a slight yell of pain. Dean stilled. Cas stilled too and tensed reaching for his neck. "What, what did I do?"

"No, it wasn't you," Cas said.

"Where is it sore?" Dean lifted his hands from Cas.

"My right shoulder blade." Dean touched it. "Up a bit." He raised his hand. "Yeah, there."

Dean slowly started to work it out. "Sorry," he mumbled when Cas hissed. "It'll go in a sec." Cas nodded. "You need to straighten."

"It's sore," Cas mumbled, embarrassed.

"I know." Dean took a step forward without thinking. "Let me do it." He put his right hand under Cas' right arm and up to press his palm into Cas' shoulder, with left hand on the top of Cas' left shoulder at the back. Gently rubbing across to the right.

Cas could feel Dean's breath on his ear and his chest flush against his back.

Dean slowly rubbed, mostly using his thumb, while supporting the sore side as if Cas was lying down as he should really be.

"Is this okay?" Dean whispered into Cas' ear and turned his head a little. The tip of Dean's nose touched Cas' ear. Cas just nodded slowly relatively unaware that his breathing had shallowed slightly. "This is the sore bit," Dean whispered again. Cas just nodded again. Dean pushed a little more and Cas' face tensed. "I'm sorry," Dean said. "Next time just get in the bed Cas." Cas' face relaxed. "Don't leave but," Dean pushed with his thumb again and Cas felt the pain go, "I don't want to be the reason you're in pain. Not again."

Dean let his right arm drop as he heard the change in Cas' reactions and brought both of his hands up and down Cas' back. Cas was letting little moans out quite aware that Dean had barely moved away from the back of him.

"Dean-" Cas hadn't meant it to come out quite as breathless as it had but Cas could feel a change in him, he didn't know what and for a minute he thought about asking him, asking Dean to teach him again, but instead he bailed out as Dean stepped back, letting his hands drop. "The pain's gone."

"Good." Dean smiled and turned away before Cas even had a chance to turn his head. Cas wondered is perhaps he didn't want his coffee now.

Dean didn't exactly want to go into the main room sporting his erection but when he got there he figured he'd rush for a seat and wait it out while Sam shot him funny looks. But instead he was faced with an empty room.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean shouted and then adjusted himself before he walked back into the kitchen to see Cas looking quite red. "Sam's taken off after some demon." He sighed looking at Cas. "What's wrong?" He took a step forward. "Is it still sore?"

Cas shook his head. "No. Nothing is wrong, I'm fine." He smiled and, taking his cup he turned away and looked in a cupboard. Maybe he would ask Sam.


	9. Chapter 9

_"So," Dean turned as Alistair sat down next to him, "brother complex, huh?"_

_Dean sighed. "Can we stop the chit chat. Danced this dance, remember?"_

_Alistair chuckled a little. "Yes. But you're enjoying this."_

_Dean looked at him. "What?"_

_Alistair leaned forward. "This. You are really enjoying this. Doing what we do."_

_"Torture," Dean stated._

_"Crafting," Alistair spat back. Dean knew he was touchy but he had been more easily set off lately. "You really broke that hag."_

_Dean smiled a little. "Little charm, little smile-"_

_"Big knife," Alistair finished and he and Dean laughed._

_"Yeah, exactly." Dean looked around. "Can I ask?" Alistair nodded. "Why are we in a cafeteria?"_

_Alistair looked around. In was a lunch hall just like in any boring work place._

_"_ _Why not?" he asked Dean._

_Dean pointed to his table and then gestured around. "No one is eating." Alistair exhaled a laughed. "We don't need to eat. So, what's the point?"_

_"Theater," Alistair added and hit Dean on the shoulder. "Come on let's-" He trailed off as he and a handful of other demons looked to the side. "I have to go."_

_"Alistair." He went to walk away and Dean followed him. "Alistair!"_

_"You ready?" A demon saddled up next to them talking to Alistair._

_Alistair nodded. "Yes." He turned back to Dean. "Keep going. You don't need me, kid."_

_Dean followed him a few steps and a couple of other demons passed him talking._

_"-breaking in, I mean if they get in here-"_

_"-but we spend our time trying to get out, who would want to get in-"_

_The first one shrugged and they carried on walking._

_"Break in?" Dean muttered._

Dean stirred enough to wake slightly. He looked to the chair beside his bed. Empty. He turned to the other side of the bed. Empty.

And why was he disappointed? He reached for his phone, he had spoken to Sam earlier and argued with him down the phone that he better get his ass back to base so Dean could kick it. Sam had told him no and no he wouldn't say where he was. And yes, he had turned his GPS off so Dean could bite him. Then Sam had hung up.

Dean pressed call. "Sam?"

_"What?"_

"Don't get all bitchy on me." Dean rubbed his face. He didn't want to argue. "I'm just checking you're okay."

There was a pause.  _"Sorry. I'm fine."_

"Sam-"

 _"Dean, honestly, I'm fine. I was getting cabin fever in there and you were smothering the life out of me."_ Dean laughed.  _"I just need to hunt this demon down and I will come back. I need to purge something."_

Dean nodded, he could understand that. "I hear it's good for the soul."

Sam laughed.  _"How was the rub down?"_

Dean's face grew stern as he spoke and gestured into the phone, "You are dead." Sam just laughed. "Seriously, Sam. What the hell was that?"

_"It was a nudge."_

"Sam, I don't know what you think you know but Cas and me, we're just friends."

 _"Yeah, sure."_ Dean sighed.  _"Dean, there's something between you. I know there is. And so do you."_

"See, this is what I mean. I try to tell Cas that I need to make sure you know I'm there for you and he takes off. I finally get him back and then you take off. I can't seem to keep a balance here," Dean said, not sure how to fix this.

_"Dean, I left because I need to hunt something, to know that I can still deal. I need that. I won't get any further if I don't get it."_

"But I could have come with you. You're shutting me out." Dean hated that he sounded needy but it was true. There was no need for Sam to be out there alone and it was ridiculous that Sam might collapse any moment without back up.

 _"I need to do this but on my own. I need that. You can do a million things, Dean, but this healing has to be me and all I ask is that you let me deal the way I know how."_ Dean sighed.  _"Take some time yourself."_

"What do you mean?"

 _"Dean, I can see it between you and Cas,"_  Dean ran a hand through his hair,  _"I'm not saying you have to do anything or whatever but I'm just saying stop looking around and take five minutes to look after yourself. I'm not the only one that has been through stuff lately. Please. Just listen to your own mind and body and just... Just listen to yourself."_

Dean inhaled. "Yeah." He widened his eyes. He didn't seem to have a choice right now and it didn't sound like a bad idea. "Call me, bitch."

_"I will, jerk."_

The phone clicked and Dean sighed.

>><<

Cas was pacing the main room with his cell in his hand. "Call him? Don't call him?" he asked himself.

Dean walked along the corridor and heard Cas talking, he poked his head and saw Cas pacing nervously so he stayed back and listened.

"Call him, or not, or call him?" Cas pressed the phone to his lip and turned on his feet. "And say what? Hey Sam, how's it going?"

'Sam?' Dean muttered to himself, why would Cas want to call Sam and why was he so nervous?

"So listen," Cas continued, "it's about you're brother."

Dean listened harder and Cas grunted.

"Then what? He'll say, 'Oh really Cas,' or Castiel, he usually calls me Castiel, 'Oh really Castiel, what about Dean?' And then what do I say?"

Dean thought about everything, why would Cas want to talk to Sam about him? What could he not just say to Dean? Had Dean made him uncomfortable?

"No, I can't." Dean leaned and saw Cas put his cell down on the table. "I can't do it."

Dean made a quick retreat and then walked forward as if he was just coming along as Cas walked out and towards him. Dean looked up and smiled. "You alright?"

"Yes, I'm just going to take a shower," Cas said.

"Alright." Dean kept walking and Cas turned to look.

A few more seconds and Dean would have heard him talking to Sam, he thought he'd had a narrow escape.

>><<

_"Did she pass out again? She passed out again, didn't she?" Alistair looked up from his perch on the bloody floor. Dean nodded and leaned back against the wall. "This one is so boring. All she does is scream."_

_"I thought you liked a screamer." Dean smirked as Alistair stood up and looked at him. "I know I do."_

_"I do." Alistair rubbed his head. "But she's just non-stop from start to finish. I don't know what's making her scream from cut to burn."_

_"Friggin' drama queens, right?"_

_"I know!" Alistair turned his head and then pointed to Dean with his ice pick. "You know, you were fun." Dean looked up, not with venom or distrust but as if he was talking about a film. "You were one of my best works of art."_

_Dean put his right hand to his chest. "Flattery will get you nowhere, Alistair." Dean chuckled._

_"Really?" Alistair leaned his hand at the side of Dean's head and he moved his head back until it hit the wall._

_"I don't swing that way." Dean smirked, a little nervous._

_"What way?" He smirked back and gestured between them. "We're demons."_

_Dean shuffled. "I like chicks."_

_Alistair narrowed his eyes. "So, what was Davey?" he asked and Dean's jaw tightened. "Come on, Dean." He leaned back. "You keep reminding me that we've danced this dance before." He turned away._

_Dean swallowed. "Me and Davey never did a thing. We were friends."_

_Alistair looked to him. "March 27th," Dean stopped breathing, "you were fifteen."_

_"I was a kid."_

_"You were a horny little teenager." Alistair laughed as he wiped his ice pick. "Hmm." He walked away and placed it back on the table. "Bored of that."_

_"That was- That was nothing!" Dean lied._

_Alistair tutted as he shook his head. "Dean, Dean, Dean." He exhaled. "You enjoyed it at the time." He leaned sideways towards Dean. "Admit it. It was the best jerk you've ever had."_

_Dean didn't say anything and the woman regained consciousness._

_"Oh." Alistair smiled again. "Saved by the bell."_

>><<

Dean woke up suddenly. He rubbed his face and felt the sweat. He needed to wash his face. But he was suddenly aware of something. He was in bed. And he was _not_ alone.

Castiel was lying asleep next to him. Dean just looked down as Cas stirred.

"Dean?" He shot up to look. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Dean tried to put Davey's face out of his head. And that shower. "I didn't expect you to be there."

"I'm sorry." Cas began to move. "You seemed in distress and you told me to-"

"Cas, it's fine. I know I told you to." Dean put his hand on Cas'. "I just got a little start, that's all." Cas nodded. "I'll be back," he mumbled as he stood. He walked along to the bathroom and splashed his face looking in the mirror.

_Admit it. It was the best jerk you've ever had._

Dean exhaled and walked back along the corridor. He shut the door behind him and slid into bed. He turned to face Cas who was lying on his back, breathing evening out again. What was it he wasn't telling Dean?


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *loud opera voice * MASTURBATION!

The next morning was a little awkward. Dean got up first and went for a shower. Cas didn't stir as he left the room and when he came back in to get changed Cas was still asleep.

"Screw it." He decided to chance it.

Cas stirred and opened his eyes. Dean had been too conscious to drop the towel completely so he held it over his crotch and had his back to Cas as he found underwear. So, Cas had opened his eyes to the back of Dean, which was completely bare.

"Friggin'-" Dean sighed and looked up with an exhale as his underwear fell to the floor.

Dean began to turn and Cas' eyes snapped shut. He twisted to see Cas lying asleep and ducked to move them so he could stand into them and pulled them up with his left hand. He heard Cas stir and he rushed to pull them up. He stood holding the towel in one hand and watched as Cas stretched and sighed into the pillow. Dean watched him for a few seconds before he remembered himself and rushed to put pants on.

Cas planted his face into the pillow pretending he was still half asleep. At least one part of him was wide awake. In his defense that was a morning thing but it felt a little more... interested, that usual.

Dean pulled a t-shirt over his head and left the room.

Cas turned around and waited a few minutes before picking up the towel and heading to the shower himself.

He pealed his clothes off and stepped under the water. He bowed his head and let the water run over him, when he turned his head to wash the hair back off of his head he looked at the towel hanging over the rail. And he saw Dean's sculpted back, the muscles flexing and rippling as he shuffled to pull his boxers on. His skin was still damp and-

Cas looked down. "You again." Cas flicked it. "Go away."

It just bounced a little before settling back. Basically, no.

_Great, now he's got a boner._

Cas laughed a little. Indeed.

Cas looked to the doorway and turned the water pressure up to make it louder before he paused. He knew about this, he had heard Dean mutter something here and there about it. There was a way to do it. Play with yourself, Dean had said once.

Cas looked at it. Just how do you 'play' with that? Stroke it, was another common expression he had heard but he began to wonder if he was getting this and puppies mixed up. That wouldn't be good. Dean would know what to do.

He thought back to his dream. Dean on top of him and smiling as Cas reached for his cheek. Had that been a dream?

He reached down, placing his right hand, palm down, on top of it and slowly wrapped his hand around it. Seemed logical. He pulled slightly and his mouth opened, letting out a little moan as tingles wormed through his body. He looked to the door again to make sure it hadn't magically swung open. He closed his eyes and did it a few more times. It wasn't comfortable, it wasn't enough. He turned his hand the other way, so his fingers and thumb overlapped at the top and tried again. Much, much more comfortable, and he felt the sparks shoot through him. He let out labored breaths, trying not to moan into the steam filling in room.

He felt it slowly begin to build up and he leaned his left hand on the tile in front of him, bowing his head. The water hit the crown but he just closed his eyes and opened his mouth. The idea that his dream might have been real was helping making this more and more intense. He didn't know why. There was a hot pressure beginning to build in his stomach - he was suddenly a little scared of it. He slowed but then he felt a twinge in his shoulder so he straightened up a little and Dean's massage came into mind. He sped back up.

_Is this okay?_

He felt Dean's breath on his ear and he turned to look over his right shoulder. Nothing but tile.

_Is this okay?_

"Yes," Cas whispered turning his head back and it pooled in his stomach before beginning to crawl down.

_Let me do it._

Cas nodded, swallowing a breath, he sped up and Cas screwed up his brow. It was so intense it was becoming too much. The idea of Dean taking over and touching him like this made his stomach muscles tense and his toes curl.

_This is the sore bit._

Cas inhaled and shook as he felt it hit him.

" _Dean!_ " he called, he hadn't meant for it to come out quite as loud as it had but hadn't been able to control it as he felt it course through him. It finally stopped and he looked down at the tiles. He looked up and, standing up again, he rinsed his hand under the shower spray.

There were quick footsteps that stopped outside the door.

"Cas, did you shout on me?" Dean said from the other side of the door. "Cas!"

Cas frantically tried to use the water to wipe the mess as his mouth attempted to do something, make a noise, any noise. Talk!

"That's it," he heard Dean whisper and he opened the door to see Cas grab for the towel. "Shit, sorry!" Dean made to turn but as he did he saw something on the tile. Something he recognized. Hell, every guy did. "I'm sorry!" Dean said again as he turned, not drawing attention to what he had seen. "I thought-"

Cas stuttered for something to say. "I didn't call for you."

Dean nodded. "Right, sorry. My bad." He walked out and closed the door.

'What the...?' Dean mouthed to himself.

'Assbutt,' Cas mouthed then hit himself on the head with the bulky part of his palm. And then proceeded to keep doing it. 'This is exactly why it's a sin.' He reached for the shampoo.

>><<

Dean was sitting in the main room when he yawned; it had been a long day and his mind had been preoccupied. He had definitely heard Cas shout for him. And he had definitely seen what he thought he did. There were no bubbles in Cas' hair or anywhere else for that matter so it wasn't shampoo or shower gel. No, it was definitely... that. He stole glances at Cas but the echo of his shout in Dean's mind made him feel... warm. Warm and uncomfortable.

Dean stretched and stood. "I'm going to hit it."

Cas looked up from his book and smiled before looking back down. "Goodnight, Dean."

Dean took a couple of steps and then turned back. "Uh..." Cas looked up. "Are you, uh..."

Cas lowered the book, looking at Dean. "Am I what?"

"Tired?" Dean offered up as the only alternative he could think of to what he really wanted to ask.

"A little but I'm not going to go to bed right now." He just waited.

"And when you do..." Dean padded his hands together in front of his body. "Will you be sleeping with me?" He stuttered over his words. "I don't mean sleeping _with_ me, I mean sleeping-" He huffed. "Doesn't matter. Night." He disappeared.

>><<

_Dean chuckled looking down as Cas. "What are you doing?"_

_Cas' hand stilled for a second but then it kept going to Dean's cheek. Dean closed his eyes. "Touching your cheek."_

_Dean laughed and opened his eyes. "I guessed but why?"_

_Cas hadn't failed to notice that Dean hadn't moved from straddling him and wasn't stopping him touching him either. If anything he seemed to lean into it._

_"I don't know," Cas admitted._

_"I thought you needed to take a leak?" Dean asked._

_Cas looked over Dean's face. "I do."_

_Dean slowly dragged himself away from Cas, who's hand followed his face for a second and then stopped to fall to his chest. Dean stood and put his hand out for Cas, they both stumbled a little but Dean put his hand out to the wall and his left around Cas' waist to catch him._

_He pulled Cas close to him. "I got ya," he assured._

_They stopped, looking at each other again. Dean slowly let go off the wall. Cas' hands had grabbed Dean's shoulders and he couldn't help but stare at Dean's open mouth. His lips were slightly swollen and his face flustered, as far as the bathroom light would let him see. Dean's hand slowly came up to Cas' face, just resting his thumb on Cas' chin the side of his index finger underneath._

_"Dean, what-?"_

_"I don't know," Dean whispered he looked in Cas' eyes who couldn't help but look down to Dean's lips and that's when Dean leaned in. Cas closed the rest of the distance and the kiss they shared was one and soft._

_They pulled back to look each other in the eyes but neither could help but look down to the other's lips._

_"I really need to pee," Cas whispered and Dean started laughing._

_He pulled back and looked down as he let Cas go. "Sorry."_

_"Don't be," Cas said and they shared a smile before Cas disappeared into the bathroom._

_When Cas came out, Dean was asleep on one side of the bed. He had kicked his shoes off, put his coat over a chair where it had then slipped off and to the floor. He was facing Cas and the bathroom wall but the covers were only over his front, they were clearly left that way for him. So Cas didn't think twice about kicking off his own shoes, pulling his coats off, going around to Dean's left, getting in and lying looking at the ceiling. He looked to Dean as he pulled the cover over him and then turned to face Dean's back. He slipped one arm up and lay his hand on Dean's left shoulder where he had the first time. After a second he dropped that hand and kissed Dean's shoulder before closing his eyes and falling asleep himself._

>><<

Cas woke up. He opened his eyes in the dark and was facing Dean. It all came back to him as vividly as if it had all happened without the alcohol. Cas wondered to himself if he should tell Dean. If he should wake him up and tell him. But instead he watched his face, looking for signs of pain but he found none.

Dean sighed and then reached his left hand up the bed to rest on Cas' right as it lay there. Cas looked and then turned to lie on his back, letting Dean's hand fall to the bed. He couldn't tell him. That wasn't what he was here for and Dean was Dean. It never meant anything. Not to Dean.

>><<

When Dean woke up Cas was lying next to him in the bed asleep. He leaned up on his elbow looking to make sure when he heard something vibrate and he turned to pick up his phone.

"Yeah?" he whispered.

 _"Dean?"_ It was Sam.  _"Why are you whispering, where are you?"_

"I'm in bed." Dean closed his eyes as soon as he said it. Whispered it.

_"And you're whispering because...?"_

"Because, because..." Dean looked to Cas' sleeping figure and he turned away as he sat up with his back to Cas. "Because Cas is asleep okay?"

 _"Really?"_ Dean could hear the grin. _"Tired, was he?"_

Dean huffed. "Sam, shut up."

_"I'm serious man, did you finally step up?"_

Dean turned to look at Cas, his chest rising and falling, before he turned back, still whispering, "No, I did not  _step up_. I don't even know what that means."

_"Dean-"_

"Sam," Dean sniped back.

_"Dean, you have feelings for him. Admit it."_

"Sam-"

_"Admit it."_

"I-" Dean stuttered. What the hell was he meant to say? "Alright, I will admit that there is  _something_..." He looked back to the floor again. "Something more than friendship between me and Cas. But I don't know what you want me to do about it. It's completely one sided and just me being a douche." Dean couldn't believe he had just said that. Admitted that. Sam was annoying on the phone.

_"How does that make you a douche, Dean?"_

"Because, he's my friend. He's going through a lot and, what, I come along like 'I heard you last night and I can't stop thinking about it'." Dean widened his eyes and stood before running out of the room.

_"What was that?"_

"Ignore that bit." Dean closed the door over.

_"What, come on Dean?"_

"You don't want to know, Sam."

Cas lay in the darkness of the bedroom with his eyes open. Completely frozen. That was a lot of information to get in thirty seconds.

_Sam thinks Dean likes him. Sam wants Dean to do something about it. Dean thinks there is something more between them. Dean thinks it's one sided. Dean thinks he would be being a horrible friend if he acted on it. Dean heard Cas and knew what he was doing. Dean can't stop thinking about it._

_And above all else. Dean would tell Sam. Okay, maybe not above the others but it was certainly something to remember._

The door opened again and Cas shut his eyes. Dean peered in and then shut the door behind him. He put his cell back on the nightstand. He sat back on the bed and then eventually lowered back down to his back. After about ten seconds Cas felt something - Dean was - what was it he called it? - 'Spooning' him.

Again.


	11. Chapter 11

_It had to be a mess Sam, or you wouldn't believe it was your life._

Sam shot up from the bed. He let go of his breath and started panting before looking around the room.

 _Just a dream, Sammy._ He heard Dean's voice say in his mind, in his memories.  _You're fine._

Sam nodded and felt himself calm a little.

>><<

"Castiel?" Cas rolled his eyes as he pulled a file out, ignoring him. "Cas, please!"

"What is it, Crowley?" Cas directed over his shoulder.

"Come and talk to me." Cas screwed up his face pushing the file back in. "I'm so bored."

"Should have thought about that before you-"

"Before I what? Got screwed over by those psychopaths?" Cas turned to look. "Honestly, you show up to do a deal and you get handcuffs slapped on."

Cas leaned on the shelf facing Crowley through the wall unable to see him. "Don't act like you didn't love it."

There was a pause and when he spoke again Cas could tell Crowley was smiling.

"Did you just make a dirty joke?" he asked.

"No." Cas pulled the door open and stood looking at Crowley. "You loved that they outsmarted you." He pointed and stepped forward. "You were almost proud of them."

Crowley tilted his head. "Maybe." He looked back. "That was until the injections and the knight of Hell crashing in."

Cas scoffed. "Yeah, kind of changes the mood."

Crowley looked to the doorway and lowered his voice. "What's the story then?" Cas stared not understanding. "You and Dean?" He realized. "Spooning?"

Cas shrugged. "It was a tight space on the floor." Crowley raised his eyebrows, there was a twinkle in there, something Cas was sure couldn't be good so he had to shut it down. "Look, we were watching over Sam and we fell asleep. That's all." Crowley narrowed his eyes and Cas laughed a little. "I don't know what would make you think that it would be anything more than that." Cas knew that Crowley was basically handcuffed by Kryptonite but he still pushed back the image of himself in the shower, shouting Dean's name. "We're friends." He smiled. "It would never be more than that, I mean, come on, it's  _Dean_."

They shared a laugh.

Just outside the room there was a man who was not laughing.

>><<

Dean sat in the main room with his feet up staring into space. Of course it didn't mean anything, he knew that. Cas was his friend, nothing more. He would never think of Dean like that, above all else he wasn't as much of an asshat as Dean was being right now, thinking about his friend that way when he was in need of help and support. Dean supposed it had been shampoo and Cas had finished washing his hair. Dean supposed he had imagined Cas shouting on him. Some paranoid reflex.

Cas walked along to the kitchen, taking the file with him, thinking about what he had said to Crowley. He felt a little guilty but he couldn't give the demon more ammunition. He refused to be another one of Dean's weaknesses, he never wanted to be a reason that Dean was beaten.

Dean thought about that night, not so long ago, when he had held a sobbing Cas to his chest and held the side of his face as his cries were muffled in his chest. He remembered telling him that everything would be okay and rocked him until he calmed enough to sleep. That's what friends would do, right?

Cas walked back into the main room. Dean was half-reading a book and he inhaled as Cas walked in, shuffling in his seat, and shook his concentration back to the page. Cas looked down remembering his confession to Sam on the phone and tried to stop the smile from forming.

"You alright?" Dean scratched his neck. "Get that file?"

Cas tapped it in his hands and raised it a little. "Did you find anything in the book?" Cas pointed.

"Not sure," Dean looked back at the pages, "can't read this bit." He knew it was Enochian but he didn't want to say.

Cas didn't say anything, if he had Dean probably would have handed him the book, but instead Cas walked and stood behind Dean. "Let me try," Cas muttered and then leaned forward, pressing his chest into the back of Dean's right shoulder, to put the file down on the table in front of them. Instead of leaving the file there and straightening up to stand behind him, Cas leaned his right hand on the table and moved his left to the back of Dean's chair.

Dean felt Cas' breath on the side of his face as he whisper-exhaled the first part of the sentence and he looked to the left closing his eyes. He tried to remind himself of what Cas had said to Crowley. It didn't mean anything.

Cas didn't miss the stiffening of every muscle in Dean's body and he saw Dean's eyes close. "It's Echochian," Cas lowered his voice a little and looked to the book as Dean opened his eyes again and shifted to look at what he was supposed to be looking at.

"Really?" Dean cleared his throat and rubbed his stubble with his right hand. Cas found himself glancing and wondering what that would feel like for him to do that.

"Yes, it appears to be a proverb of some kind."

Dean turned, suddenly aware Cas was staring at him. They looked away from each other.

"This would be a lot easier if I could understand this stuff," Dean muttered and Cas felt a little hurt. He could understand. If Dean could then what use would the Winchesters have for him? What use would he be to Dean?

Cas removed his right hand from the table and moved more behind Dean. "It's like any language." He pointed to the book. "This says 'night visions'," Dean looked as Cas moved his hands along the symbols, skipping one or two every now and again, "'days gone past', then 'days to come'." He smiled and turned his head to look at Dean.

Dean's brow dipped a little. "That makes no sense."

"Individual words translate different to a couple of words or a string of them." Dean just looked annoyed so Cas used his left hand to point too, he was almost completely pressed up against the back of Dean. "Look," he shifted, "individually this says 'visions pertaining to past days gone night' but," he used his hands to cover up various symbols, these two together translate to 'night visions' and these three mean 'days gone past', " he moved his hand so that his left rested on Dean's shoulder, not missing the turn of Dean's head, and he traced his right index finger along the first part of the sentence, "but if you take this line as a whole, it says 'dreams are related to the past'." He glanced at Dean who was looking back at the book. "Do you see?"

Dean paused a second before he uttered, "I think so." Cas smiled and they stared a second. "What does the rest say?"

Cas traced his finger along underneath the whole sentence. "'Dreams are related to the past but connected to the future.'" Cas smiled. "I like that." Dean stopped air coming out of his nose when Cas turned his head slightly to Dean. "Are you alright?"

Dean turned and looked into Cas' eyes, just as he was looking into Dean's. Very close. Cas was smiling but Dean's lips were parted a little. "I don't know," Dean croaked. There was a change in Cas as if he recognized the words and way they were said and Dean shot up out of the chair fumbling to put the book on the table in front of them. "So that's a dead end, I'm going to hit the head."

"Give me a second and I'll come with you." Cas straightened up and made to walk away.

"No!" Dean rushed out and then looked down swallowing as Cas' smile fell. "I mean," he looked to the side, "I'm fine tonight, Cas."

"Okay," Cas muttered and Dean quickly left the room, leaving Cas confused as well.

Just friends.

>><<

_"You're smiling." Dean glanced to Alistair. "Did you sort out your problem?"_

_Alistair walked beside him. "Yes. That problem won't bother us again."_

_Dean nodded. "Good. Let's get back to what we're supposed to be doing."_

_Alistair smiled. "Told you you were enjoying it." He glanced as Dean reluctantly smiled. He put his hand out and stopped them walking beside their door. "Wait." He smiled. "Brace yourself."_

_"For what?"_

_Alistair gave Dean a slap on the back of the head._

_Dean's vision blurred._

_"Bethany Michaels," he heard Alistair rumble and he seemed very distant._

_Dean was flooded with images of, well of a conception filled with hate, evil and force. He saw tears and blue lights, a decision made for a young girl by strict parents and a failed medical procedure. He saw a man smirking as the word 'acquitted' rang out and balled up tissues, a bag and a bus ticket. He saw a back alleyway where different blue lights blinked and the cries of a baby. He heard the EMT ask if the child had a name and a tearful teenager sniff the word 'Bethany'. He saw the stealing and the prostitution. He saw the sweet old lady across the landing who became the child's minder while the mother worked at the cafe she made up out of shame. He saw me the hand-me-down dirty clothes and the old lady sewing the holes while the child napped. He saw the hushed words between the kindergarten teachers and cruel jibes from peers through the later years. He saw the nights when Bethany would cry alone in her room silently so her mother couldn't hear because she knew that her mother cried just as much. He saw her hide the cuts and bruises that the kids inflicted on her and then he saw her hide the ones she inflicted on herself. He saw the pain when the old lady died and a loud abusive family moved in. Dean saw the arguments when Bethany, who wanted to be called 'Beth' now, asked about her father and got no answer. He saw when her mother lied and the pain when Beth caught her out. He saw the escalation in the fight and he saw the way her mother screamed the truth. He saw the denial and Beth locking herself in her room shouting that her mother was lying. He saw her run to the library the next day, instead of school, and look at old newspapers online. He saw when she saw.  
_

_Dean saw the way she ran home and burst into an empty flat. He saw her cry and cry. He saw her calm and quieten. He saw the minute she made up her mind and he saw her open the medicine cabinet. He saw her mother serving at the cafe that she hadn't needed to lie about any more as her child opened the bottle. He saw the worry on the mother's face as she watched the clock for her shift end and Bethany convulsing on the bathroom floor._

_He saw the light leave her eyes._

_Dean took a sharp inhale as he fell against the wall behind him and put his elbows out to stop himself._

_"That." Alistair smirked._

_"A little more warning next time," Dean said a little breathless. "Is that how you saw me?" Alistair nodded. "Even the... beginning?"_

_Alistair nodded. "Got to hand it to your dad-"_

_"No." Dean cut him off and glared. "Never."_

_Alistair put his hands up in defeat then gestured to the door. "Let's see what you can do at full capacity."_

_Dean blew out and shook his shoulders. He opened the door. "Miss Michaels." Dean smiled. "Do you prefer 'Bethany' or 'Beth'?"_

>><<

Dean sat up in his bed. He was shaking and covered in sweat. He felt so alone. He knew, while he turned to look, that he was alone in bed but even his dream had felt lonely. How was that possible?

He put his hand to his forehead and it kept shaking.

Dean's phone vibrated and he turned to look before opening it. "Sam, you alright?"

Sam was a little breathless. _"Dean."_

Dean's face changed. "Sammy?"

Dean could hear Sam gulp. _"It was bad, Dean."_

"What was?" Dean sat up properly. "Did the demon get you?"

 _"No."_ Sam shuffled on the other end. _"No, I got that asshat."_ Dean internally smirked. Of course he did. _"No, I had..."_ He hesitated.

"Sam, talk to me." Dean felt himself still shaking.

 _"I had a dream."_ Dean's brow scrunched and he listened. _"I had another dream, Dean."_

Dean wiped his brow. "Alright, okay. Sam, listen to me." He exhaled away from the phone as he felt sick. "It was just a dream, an echo of days past, okay?"

 _Days_ past? he echoed.  _Where did that come from?_

"You listen to me, you are not in the cage any more." Dean didn't even have to ask what it was about. "You beat him and you are here. You're here with me."

_"And Cas?"_

Dean paused and nodded. "And Cas. I will be there for you, forever, no matter what. Cas got you out and we all got the real you back. Remember that?"

Sam sighed relaxing. _"Yeah. He got us out, didn't he? He's always there for us, no matter his own pain."_ Sam seemed to exhale to himself, calming further. _"We always have each other but above that we have him too, don't we?"_

Dean felt himself relax a little. "Yeah, Sammy. It was a just an echo." He nodded. "It's all in the past."

Sam sighed. _"Okay. I'm sorry I woke you. Are you alright?"_

Dean paused. "It's alright. I'm fine, Sam." He sensed his brother would be okay now so he had to go back to ball buster. "Get back to sleep and I want you getting your ass back here first thing."

Sam scoffed. _"Alright. Goodnight Dean, thanks."_

"Any time," Dean whispered.

The phone was hung up on both sides and Dean held it as he looked to the doorway thinking about that sobbing Cas he had held in his arms. He slowly stood, putting his cell on the nightstand, and walked towards the door thinking about the Cas who had grabbed his cell and not his shoes. He walked to the room next to his, to Cas' room. He wasn't sure if he should knock the door or not and he was about to try it when he heard a noise.

He placed his ear to the door.

"I'm so sorry," Cas was whispering from inside. "I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't. I know what my orders were, I was to watch, to observe and not do anything more or less than I was told, Father." Dean realized that Cas was praying. "I was tricked and I was used." He sniffed. "And I'm trying to fix it, I will do anything to fix it. I promise you that." He paused. "But that's not what I wanted to ask for forgiveness for, I will earn that forgiveness as I mean to earn this one. I have done something sinful." He paused. "I have done many things sinful." Dean smirked a little. "But this one is most troubling. I have betrayed a friend." Dean was listening now. "My dear friend, my savior, if I could be permitted to use such a phrase at the moment, Father." There was another sniff. "He saved me from myself, they both did, so many times. I was on a self-destructive path that would have taken many other casualties with it, many more than it did. Than  _I_  did." The bed squeaked a little. "But I came here to support my friends. They were at a very painful and terrible time in their lives, Sam ill and their plans dashed, the whole of Hell left to roam for the sake of brotherly love." Dean looked down listening harder. "And in the middle of this, in the middle of his pain and despair, he not only  _assumed_  he  _had_  to help me as well, but he would  _not_ let me leave. Do you understand, Father? He refused, they both did but Dean-"

There was a pause and Dean wondered if he had forced Cas to stay.

"Dean refused to let me go even when it would be of most benefit to them. I didn't want to go, of course I didn't, but I felt that I was a burden." Dean shook his head. "I had laid my own bed, no one had done that for me. While they tried to seal demons in Hell I went off and made everything a hundred times worse. And he just said 'you don't need shoes in the Impala'." Dean smiled as he heard Cas laugh. "And then I did this to him." Dean's smile fell. "He thinks it's one-sided." Dean lifted his head. "He thinks that it makes him a bad person. He blames himself. Even after everything, he immediately assumes he's being a bad person." Dean's lips parted. "If it makes  _him_  a bad person, what does it make me? You saw what I did..." He paused again. "... In the shower." Dean looked to the ceiling thinking about that. "It may have been the only time I acted on it but it is not the only time I have felt that way."

Dean had to go in, he had to walk in there and kiss Cas, tell him that nothing mattered, they'd get through it all. They would. Together. Just like Sam said.

"And you heard what I said to Crowley." Dean thought about that. "I am sorry for my lies Father-"

That's it, Dean was going in, he placed his hand on the door knob.

"-but all I do is cause him pain." Dean paused. "I will not let Crowley use me to make Dean hurt, again, I will not be the reason that Dean's face looks like that." He sighed. "That is why I ask you for forgiveness, Father, and a little patience. I will get over this and I will resume being a proper friend to the Winchesters and I will try to undo what I did." Dean's hand fell. "I just need time." Dean's head fell. "Will you please give me the time to earn back my friendship?"

 


	12. Chapter 12

Dean heard the door to the base open and he was out of his chair before it closed. He looked up as he threw his jacket on and Sam smiled.

"Hey, where're you going?" Sam ran down the stairs.

"Dude, I need to talk to you," Dean whispered and pushed him back the way he had just came.

"What?" Sam tried to stop Dean pushing him. "Why can't we-"

"Shut up!" Dean whispered harshly and looked over his shoulder towards the corridor.

Sam widened his eyes and almost asked why. "Wh-"

"Just shut up," Dean whispered back.

"Well," Sam was whispering now, "why are we leaving?"

"Because I need to talk to you!"

The boys began whisper bickering.

"-I know that Dean-"

"Then, why are you asking-"

"-but why can't we talk here-"

"-will you just get out-"

"Everything alright?" Cas appeared in the doorway. "Sam, you're back." He smiled stirring his drink.

Sam and Dean turned smiling as if nothing was going on.

"Hey Cas, yeah," Sam said.

"Did you take care of the demon?" He walked towards the table.

"Yeah." Cas smiled. "How's your back?" Sam looked to Dean. "Did you guys manage to work it out?"

Dean glared at Sam and Cas knew he was asking something else.

"Well, I-" Dean began a little bashful.

"My back is fine, thanks." Dean turned as Cas sat down and then looked up smiling again. "I'm lucky I have friends who have so many skills." He looked down at the book in front of him and didn't see Dean's smile fall.

"We're just going to head out." Dean pointed and pushed Sam a little. "Get some things and grab a beer."

Cas nodded again. "Fine."

"Catch up," Dean added. "Do you need anything?" Cas shook his head. "Alright." Sam mouthed at him in question, pointing to Cas, and Dean shook his head mouthing a threat back and pushed him towards the stairs again.

Sam reluctantly went after a sigh of defeat and let Dean rush him out of the base. The door closed and Cas looked up. The space would be good for him to get himself together. Right?

" _Now_ , will you tell me?" Sam asked.

Dean opened the door to the Impala. "Yeah, just get in, jackass."

"Oh, so we're  _actually_  going for supplies and a beer?" Sam ran around the car. Dean raised his eyebrow at him as he lowered himself into the car and slammed the door. "Cool."

They took off down the road. "You have to stop, Sam." Sam looked to Dean who seemed a little tired. "You have to stop with the asking about Cas and me." Sam sighed and looked forward. "I'm serious, Sam." Dean looked at him.

"Why?" Sam looked. "You said yourself there's something more there."

"Sam..." Dean looked back to the road and shook his head.

"What happened?" Sam raised his eyebrows as Dean glanced at him. "Tell me. Give me one good reason," Sam pointed, "one good,  _true_  reason and I'll stop."

Dean looked and then sighed. "After we spoke last night, I thought about what you said." Sam looked to the side confused. "About how Cas is always there for us no matter what he's going through." Dean sighed. "Cas has been sleeping in my bed for a few nights because..." He swallowed. "Well, it doesn't matter why but it's not why you think."

"Dean, please?"

Dean looked at Sam's expression. He was worried and pleading Dean to tell him. To open up. But what Dean really noticed was how tired _he_ looked. And then he saw something else. Pleading, not just that Dean would open up, but that Dean understood what Sam was going through. It wasn't on the surface because they weren't talking about that but Dean almost sensed it sitting in the background, behind one of those worried crinkles that were fatigued, Dean saw Sam's need for the brother who comforts him in the night to not just be there but understand, even a little. Dean looked back to the road.

"You're not the only one who still dreams." He paused.

"About Hell?" Sam almost whispered.

Dean slowly nodded. "Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam didn't whine it, he didn't shout it. He almost choked on it.

Dean turned to look and all he saw was guilt. "Hey." Sam looked and Dean glanced between him and the road. "Don't you do that. Don't go thinking I didn't tell you because you came to me about  _your_  dreams."

"Well, if not that, why? And why did you go to Cas?"

"I didn't  _go_  to Cas." Dean glared at Sam. "I didn't plan on telling anyone. Hell is a time that confuses me." He tightened his hands on the wheel and focused on the road. "I told you I enjoyed it and I won't take that back. When I'm dreaming about it, I don't feel scared, I don't feel guilt." He turned the car onto a main road. "Cas popped in to check one night and saw me sweating and mumbling in my sleep. I don't tell him exactly what I dream and he doesn't ask."

"If you're not scared why are you sweating and mumbling?" Sam ran a hand through his hair.

"Because I'm not scared." Sam lowered his brow looking at Dean. "I'm terrified when I wake up, I can hear my heart pounding in my ears and I'm covered in sweat because I dream, Sam. I don't have nightmares about my time there, I  _dream_. I enjoyed my time there and I enjoy remembering it."

Sam nodded looking back to the road. "Okay." He exhaled and Dean looked. "I get that, Dean. It doesn't make you a bad person for craving being in control, craving being the one giving out pain instead of taking it." Dean glanced. "It's like self-harm." Dean was listening intently. "It might not be healthy and it's screwed up to people who don't understand it but it's control. It's about deciding  _when_  you feel pain, just how much and being able to stop it." Dean looked at Sam, he seemed to go a little solemn. "There is nothing wrong with needing to take the wheel, Dean."

"Sam?" Sam looked up. "Have you ever...?"

Sam shook his head without surprise. "No. I have thought about it though."

There was a little silence.

"In all honestly, hunting and all the things you do is self-harm, Dean." He gestured with his hands. "You constantly sacrifice yourself for me. You drink so much that you can't even get drunk like a normal person anymore. You jump into bed with random women knowing that you can never really have a normal relationship and life." Dean tilted his head. "And the fact that you've even admitted to Cas that you needed a little support, even if it was just knowing that someone was there to bring you out of it if it got too much?" Dean glanced over. "That's probably the first thing you've done since Lisa that isn't destructive."

>><<

They didn't say anything more about it until they pulled away from the gas n sip.

"So, that's why Cas has been sleeping in your bed?" Sam asked cautiously.

"Yeah," Dean croaked, he was embarrassed admitting it.

"You didn't finish what you were saying earlier, after you said that."

Dean thought back to his original point. "Well last night, last night I was alone."

"Why?"

"Because I heard Cas talking to Crowley and saying that us falling asleep on your floor together was nothing. I mean of course it was nothing but..." Dean sighed. "He said that it was nothing because it was me."

"What do you mean?" Dean didn't answer. "As in-"

"As in he said 'I mean, it's  _Dean_ ' like that." Sam sighed. "I always thought that Cas hardly even noticed people in general, never mind like that. But it was just me." They pulled into a bar parking lot and climbed out. "Anyway, after we spoke I thought about how I'm making this all about me. He cried, Sam."

"When?" Sam opened the door to the bar and they walked in.

"That night after the angels fell, he couldn't stop crying."

"Is that why you slept like that?" Sam looked apologetic as he asked while they stood at the bar.

"Yeah, I held him to my chest and he sobbed for a  _long_  time, Sammy. So I thought, maybe he's not the only one who needs a little support. I heard him praying, he was saying how-" Dean stopped talking when the barman walked over. "Hey, two beers." The barman nodded and Dean didn't talk again until they had their drinks and the barman walked away. "He heard me on the phone to you, Sam, that morning, he heard what I said."

Sam's eyes widened a little. "About it being one-sided?"

"Yeah. He basically admitted that-" He paused. "That it wasn't."

Sam rushed himself to swallow. "He likes you too?"

"Yeah." Dean scrunched up his face. "No. I mean, he said I think it's one sided, that I blame myself but come on Sam, I don't like him." Sam raised his eyebrows and gave Dean a doubtful look. "I mean I do but not like  _that_ , I mean-" He sighed and rubbed his face with his free left hand. "I don't know what I mean." He turned to Sam, thinking about it. "When I said I heard him..."

"Yeah, what did that mean, was that then?"

"No." Dean shook his head a little embarrassed. "I was on my way to my room when I heard him shout for me so I went to see what he wanted. He was in the shower."

"Why would he shout on you while he was in the-" Dean's expression didn't change and his eyes moved to Sam's. "No!" Sam's head, as well as his voice, lowered a little in shock. "He was-"

"Yep."

"Are you su-"

"Yep."

"And he called your-"

"Yep."

Dean and Sam fell silent.

"Now did you actually see him-"

"No!" Dean shifted and leaned back a little.

"So, how do you know he-"

"I saw... stuff." Sam's eyes widened. "And he admitted it anyway." Sam pointed to him as if about to ask. "No, not to me. In his prayer." Sam nodded. "He said that he felt like a bad person because he was supposed to be my friend. Both of our friends." Dean leaned to Sam. "He said both of ours. But he feels like by thinking these things he's betraying me. How crazy is that?"

"Dean," Dean looked at Sam, "you said the same thing to me on the phone. You said you felt like a douche because he was your friend and he was there for your help, basically."

Dean seemed to remember. "Yeah, well I do and he is. And it doesn't matter anyway because he asked for forgiveness and time."

"For what?"

Dean moved the beer closer to his mouth. "To get over his feelings." He took a swig. "To be my friend again."

Sam sighed and took his own drink.

>><<

Cas lay in his bed and tossed and turned. He couldn't sleep. He was halfway between worrying about Dean and Sam and how he was going to solve this fallen angel, locked heaven mess. His mind was in overdrive. Sam seemed to be recovering well, he had even took a demon down. They were nowhere closer to figuring out how to open Heaven again and there was Abaddon and Crowley to deal with. Crowley was vermin but in this case he seemed like the lesser of two evils. Or at least he seemed more about numbers than about being a demon for the sake of it. Crossroads demon to the end, it seems.


	13. Chapter 13

Sam thought about what that demon had spat at him. How he would always need someone to look after him, how he would never be dependable and how everyone around him would soon realize that he was not worth the sacrifices they had been making. And then what? When people stopped grinding themselves down just so that he could breathe again, what was Sam going to do then? And say, against the odds, that they didn't stop. That Dean, they had singled him out for this point, that Dean would never stop putting little Sammy before everyone, even before himself. Especially himself. What then? Could Sam continue to watch his brother struggle to hold everything together around them while he himself was barely held together by will power and the lack of any other solution?

Sam lay looking at the ceiling while all of this ran through his head. Every scream of pain he had heard escape Dean's lips, every admittance of defeat in the face of Sam's safety and every person he had thrown under the bus to save his little brother.

Sam sighed and hauled himself up from the bed and turned to walk towards the kitchen when he heard a noise. It sounded like mumbling. It was coming from Dean's room. He slowly walked towards it wondering who he was talking to.

_"Do you remember your old teacher, the one who was our project?"_

_"Mr Zutterberg?" Dean was washing his hands in a sink. "What about him?" The water was as red as the rest of the skin on his neck and face._

_"You said you were doing this so Sam didn't have to." Alistair watched him intently._

_Dean froze for a second and then continued to run his hands under the water. "So?" He splashed his face and then continued to wash it._

_"Why the 'holier than thou' attitude?" Dean tilted his face towards him, still over the sink to let the drips run into it._

_"It was the truth." He started to rinse his face more and moved to his neck._

_"Maybe in some way."_

_Dean grabbed a towel and began to wipe his face as he moved towards Alistair. "In every way. I don't even need to admit to you that I enjoy this. I'm not going to deny it."_

"-enjoy this-" Dean moaned. Sam pushed the door open slightly. "-not... Deny it-"

_"Regardless of the rush I get doing this or the tingle of my spine when we break someone-"_

"-break someone-"

_"-this all started out because I decided that if it was between me and Sam down here doing this-"_

"-between me and Sam-"

_"-then I would do everything to make sure it would be me-"_

"-it would be me-" Sam's face dropped as he listened to the mumbles he could catch from his brother.

_"-so while I'm here we can talk about how much I enjoy this or how good I am at it-"_

"-I'm here-"

_"-but always remember that this started because of Sam-"_

"-because of Sam-" Sam turned away and walked to another door before pushing it gently open.

_"-and because I love him more than I love anything."_

"-because I love him."

_"Even yourself?" Alistair asked, a little lower than he had spoken before._

_"Especially myself," Dean replied._

_Alistair gestured to the sink. "Why do you insist on doing that?"_

_"I did it after every hunt," Dean replied._

_Alistair clicked his fingers and the whole bathroom disappeared._ _"Old habits die hard."_

"Cas?" Sam whispered into the room as he stepped in. "Castiel?"

Cas stirred in the bed. "Sam?" He turned to look. "Is everything okay?" Sam could only see what the light from the hallway lit up but Cas was rubbing his face and his eyes were reacting to the light with distaste.

"No." Sam sighed. "Dean's having another nightmare."

Cas sighed as he sat up. "Have you tried waking him?"

Sam shook his head. "I think he needs  _you_  right now."

Cas paused and looked at the floor. "He said-"

"Cas," Sam shuffled on the spot, "surely you know by now that what Dean says and what Dean means are generally completely opposite things." Cas rubbed his forehead. "He heard you."

Cas' head shot to Sam's. Cas knew that Dean had heard him in the shower but he thought Dean had elected not to tell Sam about that.

"When you were praying," Sam muttered. "He was giving you what you wanted." Cas looked over what little of Sam's face he could see as he turned to look out of Cas' door. "Regardless of what's going on between you or not going on between you, right now he's your friend and a friend is exactly what he needs."

Cas inhaled and nodded to himself once before standing. Sam was right. There was a lot to think about from what Sam had said but right now his friend was in distress. Cas walked passed Sam and the younger Winchester put a reassuring hand on Cas' right shoulder briefly as he passed into the hallway.

Cas walked to Dean's door which Sam had left ajar and heard the mumbling. He paused and then took a step inside, leaning on the doorknob, he looked at Dean tossing this way and that straining against nothing with pain on his face. Cas closed the door behind him quietly without looking away from Dean and briefly heard Sam's footsteps pad passed towards the main room. He walked over to the bed and saw the layer of sweat on Dean's skin, he turned on his left side and Cas cautiously sat down beside him.

"Dean?" Cas whispered.

"Beth," Cas' eyes narrowed, "I understand how you feel," Dean muttered, turning as if he was going to lie on his back again but then changing his mind and rolling back toward Cas, "you feel rotten, dead..." He grunted. "Not a joke." He bared his teeth and let out a harsh, pain filled moan before going back to labored breaths.

"Dean?" Cas lifted his left hand and lightly touched it to the side of Dean's forehead. He reacted to the touch as if it stung for a second. Cas lifted his hand but then Dean's face screwed up again. It was just then that Cas realized it had relaxed at his touch. "Dean," Cas touched him again and he reacted the same way but when Cas lightly rubbed over his hair and Dean quietened Cas did it again and again, just as soft, "wake up, Dean."

_Alistair looked up to the side. "Dean." Dean turned. "That problem."_

_"It's back?" Dean turned from the woman he had at his mercy. She was crying and whimpering, she seemed to let out a sob as Dean's torture stopped._

"Dean." Cas leaned down towards Dean. "It's me," Dean was starting to stir properly, his face changing from pain to confusion as he roused, "it's Castiel."

"Cas?" Dean muttered, still half asleep.

Cas pressed his forehead to the side of Dean's face. "Yes, it's Cas. I'm here." Dean took a sharp inhale as he woke properly. "It's just a dream."

Dean was awake now and aware that Cas was touching him. Touching his forehead to Dean's temple and his hand was cupping the back of Dean's head. His voice was so soft against Dean's skin, it soothed him like whiskey or like cream being applied to a burn.

"It's just a dream, Dean," Cas whispered again.

"It is?" Dean whispered back.

Cas nodded as much as he could against Dean's skin.

Dean made to turn slowly so that Cas would move to let him. Cas lifted his head a little but his hand followed the back of Dean's head as it turned. "Just a dream?" Dean whispered again.

"Just a dream," Cas confirmed.

It didn't feel like a dream to Dean, and yet it did. It was so real to him that it couldn't have been. Cas was in his room and touching him. Cas was telling him it was just a dream. It felt so real but then again, not.

So Dean decided to test it.

He leaned up a little, he touched the left side of the tip of his nose to the side of Cas' and stroked it once before looking into Cas' eyes. Cas moved forward barely a centimeter before he retreated. Dean's left hand lifted slowly and he let the first knuckles of his fingers lightly stroke over Cas' right cheek, Cas' eyes fluttered closed at the touch and that's when Dean closed the gap and kissed him, closing his own eyes too. It was soft but firm, it took Cas a mere millisecond to respond even though he had hoped Dean would do that, it was enough to make both of them inhale sharply and Dean's finger trailed back so that he could cup the back of Cas' head as Cas pulled him closer the same way.

Dean tilted his head to the left and let Cas pull him closer still as he felt the sweat dry on his skin. Cas lifted his right hand and held Dean's left wrist as Dean shuffled to sit up properly, he then stroked down his forearm as their breathing filled the air with the clicks of saliva, he cupped his elbow and then stroke up his arm before his hand came to rest of Dean's shoulder.

Dean stopped kissing Cas as he turned his head to look at Cas' hand.

"This isn't a dream," Dean whispered before he looked back to Cas, his left hand still cupping the back of Cas' head.

"No." Cas shook his head. "You're in your bed. It was just a dream." Cas seemed to realize what Dean had meant. "I meant  _that_  was a dream, not me being here. I'm sorry." He let go of Dean and made to pull away but Dean just tightened his grip of Cas' head and Cas stopped.

"Cas?" Dean's lips were parted and he wasn't sure if he had stopped breathing of if he was breathing heavier than normal. "Stay."

Cas slowly nodded.

They lay down together, Dean lay his head on Cas' left shoulder and Cas' hand wrapped around his back while his other stroked Dean's hair.

_"Shit!" Alistair ran from the room and left Dean on his own again. Whatever it was that was causing Alistair to panic, and the other demons to talk, it wasn't going away so easily._

>><<

Sam was the first up, when he noticed Cas' door was still open he poked his head in to see the bed empty. He looked to Dean's closed door as he passed it and headed to the main room.

Dean and Cas lay in the bed, Dean awake and staring at the ceiling. To say that Dean was on the edge of freaking out would be an understatement. The memories floated around in his head; the way Cas had pressed his forehead against Dean's temple and whispered reassurance against his skin, the way Cas' eyes had closed when Dean had touched his cheek, the feeling of Cas' tongue rubbing against his and the slight scratch of his finger through Dean's hair as he pulled Dean to him. Cas turned in the bed to face Dean and sighed contented and Dean turned his head to look at the messy hair, swollen lips and skin, the crease on the side of his face and the way he rubbed his face into the pillow a couple of times, messing his hair up further, before settling with a little smile.

Dean hauled himself out of bed and grabbed a shirt, pulling it over his head before exiting the room and walking as fast as he could. Panic in full swing. He walked right into Sam just turning out of the main room.

"Whoa!" Sam said as they hit each other and stepped back.

"Sorry," Dean mumbled and continued into the room where he stopped.

"What's wrong?" Sam watched him.

He slowly looked around him. "What?" No, nothing." He scratched his head and thought. There was a rising anxiety in his chest and he needed to get rid of it. Dean knew how to relieve stress in four ways.

Sex, fist fight, booze and emptying a clip.

Completely ignoring the first one, Dean turned to look at Sam who was just staring at him with a cocked eyebrow. As much as he would like to he couldn't find a viable reason for beating the living shit out of his brother. Well... No, no couldn't do that. He grabbed a bottle off the shelf and headed down the corridor.

Sam followed him. "What's wrong?"

"I told you, nothing." Dean pulled the wrapper from the bottle top and turned into the range.

"Yeah, but it's eight in the morning and although it's not usually cause for concern to see you drinking this early," Dean furrowed his brow and sighed annoyed as he picked up a box of ammunition and walked over to the middle lane which was set up, "you're acting strange."

Dean took a swig of the bottle and slammed it down on the counter and proceeded to cock his already full gun. "Really, Sam?" He lined it up and shot once. "Am I?" He then emptied the clip. "Because usually I would disagree with you." He started filling the clip again as Sam watched him with worry. "You know me, I would tell you to stop bugging me, but lately, I don't know," he smacked the clip in and picked up the bottle in the other hand, "I think you're right." He then put the gun in his left hand, took gulps from the bottle with his right as he was firing staring at Sam who looked down the lane.

"What happened?" Sam watched him reload without answering. When he picked up the bottle Sam took it. "Dean."

Dean fixed him a tense glare and then aimed the gun at him. "The booze is only for grownups."

Sam hit the gun away from him. "You're the only one acting like a child right now."

Dean aimed the gun back at him. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." Sam sighed. "If this is about you and Cas-"

"There is no me and Cas." Dean went Blue Steel and turned back to the lane, emptying the clip.

"What? Why?" Sam looked over Dean's face as he refused to look at Sam again.

"There never was, Sam." Dean hit the clip in. "We're hunters and he's a fallen angel. And he's a dude." Sam sighed. "You can get pissed all you want bro, you know I don't care about what other people do with their lives but," he tilted and shook his head, "this is not what happens, okay?" He gestured to Sam. "You go screwing demons but I..." He trailed off.

"And what was Anna?" Dean looked to Sam. "Oh wait, yeah, she was a she." He nodded and made to walk away. "I thought I knew you."

"Yeah well, I thought I knew me too." Dean emptied yet another clip as Sam turned around.

"What is it that's bothering you Dean? That you like a guy? Or that you've never liked a guy before? What?"

"You wouldn't understand," Dean muttered as he reached for the alcohol and took a swig.

Sam walked forward again. "You're right, I wouldn't, because I'm not psychic anymore." He pointed to his head as Dean let out a little laugh and put the bottle back down. "You actually need to say things out loud now."

"I kissed him," Dean blurted as he slammed the clip in and looked up to Sam. "You happy?"

Sam scoffed. "That's it?"

Dean turned, giving Sam a face of confusion and anger. "What do you mean 'that's it?' that's enough." Sam was still laughing. "I will shoot you if you don't shut up."

"So what?" Sam smiled and shook his head. "That's a good thing."

"Just how exactly is that a _good_ thing?" Dean stopped to look at him.

"How is it not?" Sam took a swig of the bottle himself. "I know that you might be a little confused right now but, come on, you like someone, you kiss them, that's kind of how it goes." Dean inhaled and looked back to the lane. "And it wouldn't have happened if you didn't want it to."

"How do you figure that?" Dean raised the gun.

"I kissed him." Dean turned his head to look at Sam. "That's what you just said, 'I kissed him'," Dean shrugged not seeing it, "not we kissed or he kissed me,  _you_  kissed  _him_." He gestured the bottle to Dean. "You made the first move."

Dean lowered his gun. "Yeah," he looked to Sam, "that's the scariest part." He turned and leaned his back on the lane shelf and looked to the wall. "I always had this part to play in life," Sam leaned on the shelf with his right hand and listened, "I was to look after you for Dad, I was to do whatever Dad told me, in more ways than a normal kid but even to strangers I had this template that I had to fit into." He shuffled. "They would say things like 'he'll be a heart breaker'," Sam laughed, "or I was going to be a good hunter just like my Dad, or I was to hold my beer better." He sighed and looked down.

"Dean, just because people set those out doesn't mean you had to step into them."

Dean looked up. "But I did, didn't I? I listened to the music and I wore the clothes and I flashed the smile." He turned back to the lane. "I picked up the chicks, I loved 'em and left 'em." He emptied the clip again. "This is different."

Sam nodded. "I get that it's gonna be a bit of a change Dean, I mean you're stepping out of the template but..." He sighed. "How much different is it really, between liking a woman and liking a guy?" Dean looked to Sam a little part of his forehead tensing and Sam realized what was really bothering him before Dean took a hold of the bottle. "But it's not just that, is it?"

Dean finished his gulp and lowered the bottle. "This isn't just a random gi-" he sighed, "dude in a bar, this is Cas." He shrugged. "I don't know where everything stands, what the skinny is."

"Have you tried asking?" Sam lowered his head a little and Dean laughed which made Sam smile. "Because Cas isn't psychic anymore either." He pointed to his head. "Angel radio is out of range."

Dean nodded. "I know." He inhaled. "For what it's worth," he paused looking at Sam, "Cas isn't the first guy I've ever liked."

"Oh." Sam relaxed. "What happened with that?"

Dean sniffed. "Chickened out."


	14. Chapter 14

_"I really need to pee," Cas whispered and Dean started laughing._

_He pulled back and looked down as he let Cas go. "Sorry."_

_"Don't be," Cas said and they shared a smile before Cas disappeared into the bathroom._

_When Cas came out, Dean was asleep on one side of the bed. He had kicked his shoes off, put his coat over a chair where it had then slipped off and onto the floor. He was facing Cas and the bathroom wall but the covers were only over his front, they were clearly left that way for him. So Cas didn't think twice about kicking off his own shoes, pulling his coats off, going around to Dean's left, getting in and lying looking at the ceiling. He looked to Dean as he pulled the cover over him and then turned to face Dean's back. He slipped one arm up and lay his hand on Dean's left shoulder where he had the first time. After a second he dropped that hand and kissed Dean's shoulder before closing his eyes and falling asleep himself._

Cas was instantly awake. He kept seeing that over and over again; the two of them would fall to the floor and stare at each other before Dean pulled him up and they shared a kiss. Cas would lie down behind Dean and go to sleep. Then Cas would wake up wherever he actually was and sigh. He still couldn't figure out if it was a dream or a memory yet but when he woke up another memory came into play as he looked at the empty space beside him. Another kiss and this one was definitely not a dream.

Cas hauled himself up out of the bed and wandered into his room to grab a towel and head for the shower. When he got out he walked back to his room and fought with his underwear as he dragged them up his damp skin. He turned when he sensed someone approach. Dean stood looking at him, hands in his pants pockets and some expression on his face that Cas couldn't put a name to.

"Hey," Dean whispered. "Can I come in?"

"Uh," Cas hastily sat and pulled the bed sheet over his legs, "sure."

Dean gave a weary little smile as he walked forward and rubbed his hands together in front of him before gesturing to the bed beside Cas who nodded and turned a little as Dean sat down. "Listen, about last night-"

Cas cut him off with a little knowing smile, "It's okay, I understand."

Dean paused. "You do?"

Cas nodded. "You were disorientated from your nightmare," Dean inhaled and straightened up, "and I confused you with what I said. Forget about it." Cas almost choked on his next words, "I have."

"You have?" Dean's eyebrows lifted in, what Cas could only assume was, relief.

Cas nodded. "It was nothing." He rubbed the towel against the back of his hair trying to keep up the act.

"Nothing," Dean repeated as he looked to the floor. "Right, good to know." He slowly stood and walked out of the room.

Cas frowned looking after him, he didn't seem happy with what Cas had said. Maybe he knew Cas was lying but what else would he say?  _It's all I wanted to do for a long time and I think, perhaps, even longer than I was aware of._ That wouldn't help Cas get his friend back, would it?

Dean walked out of the room and along the corridor into the main room.

"Did you talk to him?" Sam looked up, whispering a little, looking to the doorway. Dean nodded, his face tense and... Sam couldn't decide if it was confusion or hurt... Or both. "Well?"

"Well what, Sam?" Dean snapped. "It's sorted." He let out a bitter laugh. "It was nothing." He walked away towards the kitchen and Sam sighed, letting his book drop a little.

_What the hell?_

Sam looked back to the doorway and sat there for a good ten or fifteen minutes contemplating. Then got up. He knew what he had to do, he had to bang their damn heads together but first of all Sam had to talk to  _him_. He walked along the corridor and down the stairs, turning the light on. He slowly wandered towards the shelf, listening to his footsteps echo. He stopped and sighed before pulled the shelves open to look down at him.

"Hello Moose." Crowley smiled.

>><<

Dean was being a bit weird. He was stressed, and as was said before Dean dealt with stress and confusion and... feelings, in one or more of four ways - sex, booze, fist fights or shooting. But the thing was he didn't want any of it. He could jump in his car right now and go pick up a chick but when he thought about it he decided that wasn't what he wanted. He'd had a lot of booze that morning and his stomach was protesting even though he'd just filled it with a grilled cheese sandwich. So, he was left with two options - beat the living shit out of some unsuspecting guy or gank an SOB. He wasn't really one for starting fights with people who didn't deserve it and he had pretty much spent his morning in the shooting range before he'd decided to man up. He'd made the decision to go and talk to Cas, see what the skinny was. And well, he'd certainly got his answer hadn't he?

_It was nothing._

To Cas, their kiss was nothing.

_Forget about it. I have._

He'd already dismissed it to a memory. A memory that meant nothing. Dean got to the garage, he had decided to go there and do some work on his baby but when he got there all he wanted to do was drive. See some open road. Everything made sense when Dean was at the wheel, everything was simple and easy. So before he knew it he was jumping in his car and he was away. He pulled out of the garage and drove in no particular direction.

>><<

Cas was in the kitchen moving the utensils that someone had used to make some kind of sandwich. Had to be Dean. He moved it all out of the way and started to prepare an omelet. He'd read about it in one of those books Dean kept lying around but Cas decided to try the modifications Dean had penciled in at the side - a lot of cheese, meat, onions and peppers.

Basically it was a burger omelet.

And, Cas decided later, it was disgusting.

>><<

"You're a manipulative bastard, right?" Sam pulled a chair close and burled it around to straddle it.

"Flattery will get you everywhere," Crowley quipped and Sam scoffed. "Who are you trying to be the puppet master of?"

Sam turned to him as if deciding whether or not to say anything. "Say," he shuffled in his seat, "that you know two people who like each other," Crowley's head turned a little, "a lot."

Crowley rolled his eyes. "Are you five?"

Sam sighed again, getting annoyed. "Fine, they want to be together in some way or whatever, I don't know." He ignored Crowley's eyes widen in exasperation. "Whatever it is, it's more than the friendship they have now. And they're both being idiots about it. How would you make them see?"

"See what?"

"Well, that they're being idiots?"

"I'd say 'you're being idiots, shag already'." Sam sighed and stood up. "What makes you think I would care who's doing who?" Sam looked to him as he pushed the chair back, "more to the point, why do _you_?" A smile crept across his face. "It's those two, isn't it?" Sam suddenly realized he'd probably made a mistake. "That is so disgusting." He laughed.

"What, 'cause they're guys?" Sam walked back towards him.

"Shut up!" Crowley scoffed. "It's only your man upstairs that cares about that. The almighty homophobe, I couldn't care less."

"So, why is it disgusting?" Sam leaned on the table.

"Because it's not just for the sake of shagging, is it? At least that has a purpose. Those two have been spooning, it's affection, it's disgusting."

Sam smirked. "You miss it, don't you?"

"What?" Crowley snapped back to him. "I'm a demon, Moose. Affection is a weakness found in humans and apparently angels - fallen and otherwise."

"What do you mean?" Sam squinted.

"Come on, Wings up there was smitten with our boy wonder long before he was clipped."

Sam tilted his head to show he agreed. How could he argue? But then he turned his attention back to Crowley. "But you're halfway exorcised." He pointed to Crowley. "You have feelings." He smiled and pointed again. "You  _feel_."

Crowley scoffed and turned his head. "Sure(!)"

"Come on," Sam walked around the table slowly to behind Crowley as he spoke, "I know you better than anyone else, don't I?" He put his right hand on Crowley's shoulder as he rounded him and leaned down to speak in his left ear. "I heard what you said. 'Loved'."

"What?" Crowley turned his head as much as he could, which wasn't very far with the chains.

"You said you deserved to be loved. Not that you deserved to have sex or a little," he pointed to Crowley's crotch, "head," he shook his head, "you said loved." He let out a little laugh; he didn't open his mouth and it was low in tone. "You miss it; you miss falling asleep next to someone and having them spoon you." He looked up. "Someone running their hands through your hair." He leaned into Crowley's ear and whispered. "You miss being loved, don't you?"

Crowley swallowed low and shook his head.

"No?" He shook his head again. "Pity." He smirked. "I could have used a Marnie." He walked away and Crowley suddenly let out his breath as Sam winked and closed the shelves behind him.

When he heard the door close he looked up to the light - he had left it on.

Sam got to the top of the stairs and laughed to himself. "Demons, man."

>><<

Dean had switched his phone off half an hour into driving when it seemed Sam had realized he was gone and he had kept on driving until he needed to answer the call of nature. Which, of course, happened  _after_  he'd passed all the gas 'n' sips and all that was left were bars and closed grill houses. So he wandered into a bar and managed to talk a barmaid into firing up a burger for him even though the kitchen was closed.

After he had greedily wolfed it down, not realizing that he was so hungry and only just noticing how long he had been driving for, he could scarcely get rid of her. She had put yet another beer down in front of him with a smile when Dean looked to the clock - seven. A figure saddled up to the stool next to him.

"Beer, please." She nodded and went away to get it. Dean turned to look at the man briefly, hoping she might take a shine to him instead. He was taller than Dean, dark hair and he took his cap off, throwing it on the bar before ruffling his hair. He turned to see Dean looking who just smiled awkwardly and turned back to his beer. "Evenin'."

"Hey," Dean replied and then smiled to the woman as she dropped the beer off. He turned back to the man as if they were having a big conversation but couldn't think of anything to say.

The man sighed. "Yeah, so I said to her that I just couldn't do it, you know?" The barmaid walked away to serve at the other side of the bar and he picked up his beer, lowering his voice again. "Little unwanted attention?"

"Yeah, thanks." Dean laughed. "I suppose I should know better than to turn on the charm for a burger, right?"

"A burger?" The man looked to Dean's empty plate. "Cheese?" Dean nodded. "Any good?"

"Heaven," Dean said and tried to ignore who it made him think of.

"Get me one and I'll keep her away all night."

"Deal." Dean smiled and leaned over the bar. "Gina?" She looked up and he put on his trademark smile.

>><<

Sam was tapping his fingers on the table looking at it, mind miles away, when Cas wandered into the room.

"Sam, I think I found a haunting in Wyoming." Sam didn't even look up. "Sam?" Nothing. Cas walked over and hit Sam on the knee as he sat down next to him. Sam jumped. "You with us?"

"Us?" Sam looked around. "Is Dean back?" Cas shook his head and looked back to the papers in his hand. "What did you say?"

"I said, I found a haunting in Wyoming." He looked up. "Do you want to check it out?"

"Without Dean?" Sam shuffled in his seat. "Why?"

"Why not?" Cas shrugged.

"Cas," Sam leaned towards him, "I don't mean to be rude but..." he paused. "What the hell?!"

Cas jumped. "What?"

"You went into Dean's room last night, you kissed and now he's taken off and you don't even care?" Cas sighed. "So...  _what the hell_?"

"Sam, please don't do this, okay?" Cas stood up and put the papers down. "There's the haunting information, I'm going for a shower."

Sam stood and followed him. "You had one this morning." He kept following him. "Cas, please, if you won't talk to Dean, talk to me."

Cas stopped in his room. "I have spoken to Dean." Sam raised his brow as Cas buzzed about his room gathering stuff up. "And I told him to forget about it, it was just a kiss."

" _Just_  a kiss?" Sam walked into the room.

"Yes, he had just woken up and he was confused - it didn't mean anything," Cas said and shrugged.

Sam slammed the door as Cas went to exit. "It didn't mean anything to you or you  _think_  it didn't mean anything to him?"

Cas reached for the handle and made to pull but Sam held it. "Sam-"

"Cas, if you don't want to pursue this with Dean then that is your decision. But he is my brother and right now he is God knows where doing God knows what - he could be hunting or drinking or chasing some chick." Cas' hand dropped from the door. "He just took off without saying anything and do you know why my brother does that?" Cas turned to look at him, the image of Dean picking up a random stranger or possibly nearly dying at the hands of some monster grating at him. "When he's stressed or hurt or when he can't find an answer. He takes off in the car down some long highway until he's outplayed his tapes or he's hungry or he needs a leak." Sam let go of the door and looked as Cas sighed. "So I'll ask again, it didn't mean anything to you or do you think it didn't mean anything to Dean?"

Cas looked at him. "I didn't let him talk."

"What?" Sam shuffled, noticing that Cas wasn't running even though the door was free.

"He came in here, he said he wanted to talk to me-"

"Wait," Sam's eyebrows nearly joined his hairline, "he actually came and spoke to you about it? As in  _he_  was the one that approached the subject?"

"He tried." Cas sighed. "He barely even got the 'can we talk about yesterday' out before I brushed him off." He ran his free hand through his hair and turned back towards the bed throwing the towel on it. "I said it was nothing, that I'd forgotten about it and he should too."

"Aw Cas." Sam rubbed his face with his hand. "Do you even know how much it would have taken for Dean to come and actually talk about it?"

"I know." Cas sat on the edge of the bed. "But as he was saying those words I thought, 'I know what's coming'. So I said it first."

"But how did you know he would say that?" Sam walked towards him.

"Because it's Dean." Cas looked up. "He's  _Dean_." Cas gestured his hands as if no more needed to be said. "He doesn't do  _this_." He gestured to himself. "I'm human now but I'm male. And Dean doesn't do men."

Sam sighed, looking at Cas as he looked down at his hands and closed his eyes.

>><<

"So what, you freaked out?" The man wiped his mouth and pushed the plate forward before picking up his beer and taking a swig.

"I guess so." Dean sighed. "It's not just that he's a guy, you know, at least I don't think it is but-" Dean sighed, cutting himself off. "I don't know."

"He's your friend." Dean turned to look. "It's scary to take that leap, even if you know the other person wants it to. You've still got a hell of a lot to lose."

"Yeah. We've been through a lot." Dean nodded thoughtfully then he leaned to the man further. "I've actually been in this situation before." The man raised a brow. "Well, not completely, I guess. I was fifteen and I told you we moved around a lot?" The guy nodded. "Well, this once we stayed in this awful apartment on the east side of Georgia," he leaned back in his stool squinting, "it was  _horrible_ , even the mice and rats didn't want to come near, you know?" The man chuckled. "There was this family that lived across the landing, I say family, it was a mother and her son, David." Dean smiled. "Davey."

"Another guy?" The man took a swig again and then motioned to the barmaid for two more.

"Yeah." Dean took his own drink. "We got close Pete, you know, I think my dad was trying to bone his mom but," Pete laughed, "it meant that we spent a lot of time together over the few weeks we were there."

The barmaid dropped off the beers and Pete looked up. "Thanks," he said and turned back to Dean as she walked away. "So, what happened?"

Dean took his and inhaled as he sat up. "Nothing. There was always a lot of lingering looks and laughs that faded away but whenever it seemed like anything was going to happen I bounded up and went to take a leak or I had to go or whatever I could to get out of there."

"Or jump in your car and drive until you end up in some bar telling a complete stranger a story you should be telling your friend?"

Dean laughed. "Yeah. Old habits die hard." Dean thought back to Alistair and then thought about Davey looking out of the window as his dad drove away.

>><<

Sam wandered down to the dungeon and listened as his footsteps echoed.

"Sam, is that you?" Crowley's voice drawled through - almost scared.

"I left the lights on." Sam turned them off.

"Wait," Crowley muttered as Sam turned to walk away.

Sam paused and turned back, waiting. Nothing. He smiled and walked slowly and deliberately over to the shelves. "What's wrong?" He leaned on the shelves. "Miss me?"

Cas trotted down the steps to the basement to ask Sam about the haunting when he heard voices and he stopped.

"You can admit it." Sam opened the doors to look at the darkness. The only light in the room was from the doorway and it barely showed anything, it would have showed Crowley if Sam wasn't casting a shadow. "Go on."

"You don't get it, what it's like down here. Sitting in the dark for hours on end with nothing but the knowledge that I'm powerless," Crowley said.

Sam seemed to soften at the break in Crowley's voice. "I do."

Crowley looked up as Sam walked over to him. He rounded the table and leaned on it, at Crowley's left side, looking down. "How so?" Crowley asked.

"I know what it's like to be filled with strong ability and have it taken away." He shifted. "We're more alike than I think you even tried to convince me during our little session in that church." Crowley looked down at the table. "I know what it's like to crave my power and fear it all at once."

"I don't fear it," Crowley whispered and Cas stepped closer, staying in the shadows, to hear better.

"No, but in that church you feared being without it and yet you wanted it gone." Sam leaned down. "You wanted to let it go and you were willing to accept the future we had decided for you. Exorcism." He looked over Crowley's face. "Admit it."

Crowley looked to him then away. "I wasn't given much choice."

Sam sighed and lifted off the table. "Okay." He turned to walk away.

"Wait," Crowley said, panicked and Sam stopped, standing beside him. "Please." He swallowed. "Don't leave me alone," he looked up and Cas eyes widened, "Moose."

Sam looked down and then laughed. "Nice try." He hit Crowley's shoulder and walked away.

"At least leave the light on!" Crowley called after him, his voice less emotional, and Cas retreated out of sight as Sam stopped by the light switch and Cas saw him look back, something akin to pity came across his face and he turned it back on. Cas watched him walk back up the steps and took it all in.

>><<

The two men were the last to leave the bar and they stood while Peter lit a cigarette and offered one to Dean.

Dean shook his head. "No, thanks."

"Will you be alright to drive?"

Dean nodded and looked at the ground. "I'm only going as far as the motel."

Pete inhaled and looked at him. "What do you think you're going to do?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "I don't know anything anymore." He ran a hand through his hair.

Pete blew out smoke and looked at Dean's nervous stance. He rolled his eyes and, in one fail swoop, stepped forward and kissed Dean while tucking his free right hand under the hunter's jaw. Dean grimaced for a second at the taste and then kissed him back as his eyes closed. He didn't even seemed surprised when Peter pushed him back the three steps until Dean hit the wall. The only thing that showed any shock were Dean's hands - they weren't in his pockets anymore but they were just hanging, a little in the air out at his sides, unsure of what to do with them. But one thing was for sure, Dean's lips and tongue definitely knew what the score was. Dean felt it course over him, the feeling that he knew all too well. A minute, maybe two went by and slowly Dean's right hand moved in the air to touch Pete's jaw but the tip of his middle finger barely made contact before the feeling left him and he opened his eyes.

Pete had pulled back, his hand still on Dean's jaw and they looked at each other for a second. Dean's lips were parted slightly and puffed from the pressure of the kiss. Dean could feel the burn flare up from Pete's stubble and the man smiled.

"Well, point proven," Pete said.

"What?" Dean exhaled. "What point?"

He looked down and Dean did too, it was then that he could feel it. His erection straining against his denim pants.

Pete looked back up. "Any anxiety you've got about this Cas has nothing to do with him being a guy." He stroked Dean's jaw line. "It's because there's a friendship there." He stood back and Dean brought his hand up to wipe his mouth. "Don't get a motel. Go home." He took a draw of his cigarette and then smiled to Dean before walking away leaving Dean standing there; hard and confused.


	15. Chapter 15

_"So, are you going to tell me what's going on?" Dean stopped Alistair in the corridor and he just stared. "What is it that's got you so panicked?"_

_"Nothing." He pointed at Dean as he looked like he was going to speak again. "Listen to me Winchester, I said nothing." Dean's mouth closed. "Don't go poking around or you'll just make it worse. Stay the course. Keep to what you know." He pushed passed Dean and walked away._

Dean opened his eyes and panted into the motel room. Keep to what you know, Winchester.

>><<

_"Sam..." Sam was walking along the dark corridor of the bunker, he could hear a voice calling for him, it was rough but almost sing song. "Sam?" Sam turned down the steps to the dungeon. "Moose, come here." Sam walked towards the shelves and stopped, looking over them. "Please, Moose." Sam's eyebrows dipped and he opened the makeshift doors before coming face to face with Crowley smiling, genuinely smiling. It wasn't brimming with his usual plans. "There you are, Moose." He smiled again. "I thought you weren't coming."_

_Sam found himself walking forward and taking a knife from his pocket. "Are you sure you still want to do this?"_

_"It's a fair trade." He smiled. "I believe it's your turn to go first." He tilted his head to the right as Sam approached the table and turned around to look. "The boys are on a hunt, come on." Sam turned back and continued walking until he was leaning on the table beside Crowley. He took the knife in his right hand and used his left to hold Crowley's neck exposed. He pressed the blade in and dragged it down a few inches while Crowley bared his teeth a little. "You're being gentle, are you going soft on me?"_

_Sam let out a little chuckle. "You wish," he said._

_He licked his lips and turned the knife over in his hand before lowering his head and tasting the blood with his tongue. An almost silent moan escaped his lips and he began sucking at the gash. He could feel it coursing through his system, he felt himself fill up and swell. He could almost feel where it entered his blood stream and mixed with his own. His clean and lifeless blood. His weak blood. This was the purpose thrust upon him at an early age, this is what Sam was made for. Azazel was Rumpelstiltskin and Sam was what he was owed. This was decided for him a long time ago._

_"Come on." Crowley breathed and Sam took one last suck before pulling back to look at him. "No wonder you're single. Are you this greedy in the sack?"_

_Sam laughed out air, rolled up his sleeve on his left arm and put the knife to it before cutting. "Wouldn't you like to know." He winced a little as he drew blood and Crowley looked at it. He moved it forward and then pulled it back, Crowley looked up to him and he smirked. "Is this what you want?"_

_Crowley smirked back. "Always with the foreplay."_

_Sam scoffed and relented, bringing his arm up to let Crowley drink from him. He watched him for a little while before Crowley's eyes met his and he grinned again before lowering his head back to Crowley's neck as they both got their fix._

Sam woke up from his dream sweating and thirsty. Really thirsty. He wiped his upper lip on the back of his hand and looked down to make sure it wasn't red.

>><<

_"He's not in Illinois and he's not in Utah. We've tried nearly everywhere else, Cas." Sam pulled at Cas' suit jacket and they walked towards the entrance to the police station. "Let me do the talking."_

_They walked in the station and walked up to the reception._

_"_ _Hey," Sam said, pulling his badge out and nudged Cas who did the same in a rush, trying to remember which way up it went. The young woman read the badges as Sam said the names on them. "Agents Warner and Weatherly." Sam tucked his badge back in and Cas copied. "We were wondering if you could help us locate an," he leaned in to whisper and the receptionist did too, "undercover officer that we have lost contact with." She nodded a little worried. "He may be working in this area but we can't find him."_

_"Of course, one moment." She sat back down and picked up the phone. "Sir, there are two agents here to see you on an urgent matter." There was a pause. "From the Bureau." She nodded. "Yes, sir." She replaced the receiver. "Please, go through." She leaned and pressed the buzzer on the wall._

_"Thank you." Sam smiled and they disappeared into the station room, a man opened his door at the far end and gestured for them to come so they walked over. He closed the door behind them. "Thank you for seeing us without any notice, Captain."_

_"Not at all." He rounded his desk. "What can I help you boys with?" He gestured to the seats and they all sat._

_"The thing is Captain, we were running an undercover unit in Dakota and we lost contact with our man. Now, we've been all over looking for him. Everywhere. No one can find him and although he is an experienced officer we are beginning to get worried that he hasn't called in." Sam reached into his jacket and took out a mug shot of Dean. "This is a photo from our cover story," he looked at it a second, "this is what he looks like now, very different to the academy photo." They shared a smile as Sam handed it over._

_The man looked at it and showed recognition. Sam and Cas looked at each other as the man stood still looking at it._

_"Excuse me a minute," he said and disappeared out of the door._

_"What's going on?" Cas whispered._

_"I don't know but they know something," Sam said as he looked over his shoulder at the Captain talking to a younger officer who nodded along. Then he turned back to look around the office while they waited._

_A few minutes later they smiled as the man returned with a video tape and the photo which was on top of a file in his hand. He opened his cabinet and put the TV on before slipping the VHS inside. "I'm sorry to inform you gentlemen that our patrol," he leaned back up with the remote and held out the file to Cas but kept the photo, "was called to a two car crash off the highway last evening." He pressed play and it was some kind of CCTV image from up high of the Impala roaring through the streets. The camera switched and the car was far away again. It did that a few times. The Impala was roaring at far too high a speed. The man paused it and zoomed in to the driver's seat. "Is that your man?" He held the photo up to beside the camera and it definitely was._

_"Yes," Sam said as he and Cas let out relieved breaths. "Where is he? Did you pick him up?"_

_The man nodded sadly and pressed play. They watched the car continue to race along the road until it hit another car and spun up in the air. Sam and Cas got up from their seats and took a step towards the TV. When the car stopped flipping along the road they leaned in closer to the TV to see Dean struggling to get out. Then it happened. The car exploded. Where Dean's figure had been there was just flames as metal was thrown into the air, other cars swerved and hit the brakes before the metal hit the ground again._

_The man clicked the TV off and turned back to the boys. "I'm sorry," the officer said._

_"No, no, no wait!" Cas shouted at the man, gesturing to the TV. "Where is he? He's okay, right? He has to be? That can't be him!"_

_Sam was silent and speechless as he slowly lowered himself back to the chair._

_"He was picked up and brought back, an autopsy was performed and there was nothing on our system. Now we know why." He looked at them both. "I'm sorry, he was eight times over the limit."_

_Sam didn't even flinch. It sounded like a lot but for Dean, it wasn't, it was only just too much._

_"I'm surprised he was even conscious," the officer continued. "He wouldn't have felt it."_

_There was a pause, Cas' head was spinning and he turned, diving to the floor as he threw up in the Captain's waste paper basket._

_"_ _He's downstairs when you want to-" He cut off when Sam leaned forward, putting his face in his hands as Cas sobbed through his retches._

Cas sprang up in his bed, heavy breathing and covered in sweat or dry as a bone - he couldn't decide. Dean could be anywhere. He could be in danger, he could be dead. Cas took a shaky breath. He might not ever come back. And all because he never let him talk. It was nothing. Of course it wasn't.

>><<

Dean should have had breakfast. He knew that and his stomach was making sure he was reminded every five minutes. He looked down as he drove. "Will you shut up?" He sighed and shuffled in his seat. "I don't remember the last time I skipped breakfast." He pulled into the road leading to the bunker and exhaled. "Come on, you can do this." He drove down past the entrance and took the next turning towards the garage. When he got there he found Sam leaning against the car parked in the space to the left of the Impala's regular one. He pulled up, looking at Sam who had his right leg crossed over the other and his arms crossed.

Sam put his hands out to open the door for him. When he spoke it was an English accent, "Sir, you're home. What a pleasant surprise." He gestured with his right arm for Dean to get out.

"Yeah, thanks Jeeves." Dean looked at him then stepped ahead expecting Sam to follow. Instead, Sam slammed the car door so that it echoed around the garage. Dean turned with a glare ready to go off at him but he was met with an equally serious and pissed off glare. "What the hell are you doing?" Dean called him out anyway.

"Me?" Sam took the step to make them toe-to-toe again.

"Yeah, you." He gestured to his car. "Slamming it like that."

"You took off!" Sam gestured widely with his arms. "Just like you always do!"

"If I always do it why are you so surprised and pissed every time?" Dean snarled.

"Because you could be dead for all we know!"

Dean softened at that and looked down. "Yeah..." He inhaled. "You're right." He nodded and turned. "I'm sorry, Sam."

"And what about Cas?" Dean stopped and turned back to Sam. "You know you're both idiots, right?"

"I told you, Sam." Dean walked forward again. "He said it was nothing, so that's what it was." Dean turned to storm away.

"Dean?" Dean didn't answer. "Dean!" Sam ran after him. "Dean, I spoke to him-"

Dean put his hand up as he turned. "I don't want to hear it, Sam." Sam opened his mouth but Dean stopped him again. "No, Sam. It's done. Friends can't-" He cut himself off again. "Stick to what you know, Sam."

Sam put his hand out and burled Dean around harshly and he sighed staring Sam down as he turned. "Okay, stick to what you know." He nodded. "I get that." He nodded again. "I do. And you know Cas." Dean sighed. "No, Dean. Listen to me. He's your friend, yes, and just think about everything you know about Cas, about how he acts, how he reacts, really think about what you know about him." He walked passed Dean and turned to face him as he did. "Then think about what happened." He zipped his mouth. "I don't have to say anything."

Sam wandered upstairs and found Cas in the main room. "Dean's back," he told Cas.

Cas looked up slowly. "Good." He nodded and looked back down, at the table as the anxiety in his stomach stopped boiling but didn't disappear. Just staring.

"Hey Cas, you alright?" Sam sat down next to him. "You don't look too good?"

Cas looked up again. "Didn't really sleep."

Sam sighed. "Yeah, me neither." He looked to the doorway and he felt himself become quite thirsty again.

>><<

It was about ten minutes later and Dean was rummaging in the fridge.

"What's this?" he asked an empty room as he picked up a tub and tried to determine what it was from the color of its contents.

"I made that burger omelet thing," Cas said from behind him.

Dean straightened up and turned, still holding the tub. "Cas."

"I must have done it wrong though," Cas continued, looking at the tub, "I found it quite disgusting." His face twitched a little.

Dean looked back to it and opened it. Cas stepped up to look too. "Yeah, it was disgusting when I made it too," he admitted and they shared a smile. "I covered it in sauce." They laughed, standing merely a step away. "Washed it down with beer too."

Cas laughed. "Why go through all of that?"

Dean could only answer with the truth. "Because I'm stubborn," he whispered. "I can never seem to admit when I'm wrong."

The two of them looked at each other, then Cas looked back to the tub. "Please tell me you're not going to eat that?" He raised an eyebrow at Dean with a little smile.

Dean shook his head. "No." He bit his lip.

Cas decided to take a shot. "Can we talk? Properly?"

Dean swallowed. "What about?" He picked out a tub of something else and looked into it. "You already said it's forgotten."

Cas just stared. "But-" He stopped himself. 

_This was what a friend would do, isn't it? What a friend should do?_

"I just wanted to make sure that you don't want me to go?"

Dean shook his head. "No." Cas nodded and turned away when he left Dean sighed to himself. "Never," he whispered to himself.

>><<

Sam walked slowly down to the dungeon holding a bag that clinked and paused looking over his shoulder before exhaling to himself and walking further. He padded into the place and, for the first time, closed the main door locking it behind him. He walked over to the shelves and paused shoving the keys in his back pocket before pulling one open and looking down at Crowley sitting there.

"Moose. Didn't expect to see you today." Crowley smiled wearily back up.

Sam looked over his shoulder again before deciding to pull the shelf back over.

"What's this?" Crowley asked and Sam looked back to him. "Are you planning on murdering me or do you just want to be alone with me?" He winked.

Sam took a knife from his pocket and showed it to Crowley whose smile fell. "I will use this if you try anything," he promised.

Crowley looked from the knife to the bag as Sam put the bag on the table and the knife back in his pocket. He walked towards Crowley and leaned on the table looking down at him. They stared for a few seconds before Sam reached into his shirt pocket and took out a key, he gestured to it and slowly unlocked the metal collar Crowley had been sporting.

"Thought you could use a little stretch." He unlocked the chain attached to Crowley's handcuffs and looked up as Crowley's sighed before bringing them up to rub his neck. "Feel good?"

"You've no idea." He let out a little chuckle and then watched as Sam moved the table a little and leaned to undo the chain attached to Crowley's foot. "Well, you clearly trust me more than I thought."

Sam stood back up and put the key back in his pocket while doing the button up as Crowley slowly stood. He shook a little and Sam dipped forward to catch him. "You good?"

Crowley nodded and patted Sam's shoulder before looking down to his right. "Been a while." Sam couldn't help but stare at his neck. His dream floating through his mind since he had woken up. He let Crowley go who walked around slowly for a few seconds. "What's in the bag?"

Sam turned to it and took out an open bottle of scotch. "Not exactly top shelf but beggars can't be choosers." He then fished out two glasses and started to pour.

"And what, may I inquire," Crowley smiled a little sarcastically, "has prompted this show of generosity?" He pointed to Sam. "I don't have any more names."

Sam shook his head. "I just thought you might like a stretch and a sip to get you through."

"Give me freedom and whiskey," he took it from Sam and they clinked, "to then lock me up again." He brought it to his lips but spoke first as Sam sipped. "And I thought your brother was the one skilled in torture." He downed it and held it out. "Again."

Sam sighed and poured more into the glass.

"How is our boy wonder, him and wings done the nasty yet?"

Sam shook his head. "I'm not sure they ever will." He rubbed his neck.

Crowley leaned on the table. "Something else is bothering you." Sam looked up. "What is it?" Sam took a sip. "Oh, come on," he gestured around with his left hand as he took a sip with his left, "who am I going to tell?"

Sam swallowed and looked down at the table. "Do you ever remember, what it was like before you became..." He looked Crowley up and down. "... what you are?"

Crowley grimaced. "I try not to. But..." He sighed and finished his glass. "I guess, you and your meddling might have brought a few things to the surface. Why?" He reached for the bottle himself and poured into both of their glasses, Sam put his hand out to stop him. "What's got your knickers in a twist, what are you remembering?"

 


	16. Chapter 16

"Before?" Crowley leaned on the table looking to Sam. "What do you mean, before what?"

Sam hesitated, turning and walking to the wall to his right before turning to lean on it facing Crowley, still holding his glass. "I don't know." He shrugged.

Crowley took a drink. "Look Moose, clearly you want to talk about something." Sam looked up. "Something a little naughty," he grinned and Sam sighed, "enough that you can't whine to your brother or his... whatever he is. Or you wouldn't have come down here." He looked to the drink and then to Sam. "Or is there another reason you're plying me with alcohol?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Don't drink it if you don't want it," he muttered.

Crowley sighed. "You're no fun when you're hormonal."

Sam rubbed his face. "I had a dream."

Crowley nodded. "I think that one's already been done." Sam glared at him. "Go on, then." He poured more into his glass and straightened up to take a drink.

Sam refrained from the Wizard of Oz routine of 'and you were there'. "I was still..." He looked to his glass and Crowley walked over to pour more whiskey in. "I was still drinking blood."

Crowley put the bottle back on the table and stood in front of Sam as they sipped. "So?" Sam's face twitched a little. "Do you seriously think it means anything?"

"Don't you?"

Crowley looked at Sam like he was daft. "It's a dream?" He 'ahh'ed after a sip. "It's just chemicals floating around in your brain reacting while your subconscious tries to understand why you're body can't move. It's your brains way of reminding itself that you're not dead - it's meaningless."

Sam thought about it. "When was the last time you dreamed?"

Cowley paused: whether he was thinking or a memory had already hit him Sam couldn't tell. It was a few seconds before he came back to the world, but his eyes stayed staring at the wall while his head moved towards Sam a little as he spoke. "The day before I died."

Sam waited. "What was it about?"

He looked to Sam, eyes still staring. He then inhaled and looked away. "Usual things. Boobs and booze."

Sam smiled. "Liar."

Crowley looked back to him, a smile almost betraying his lips. "I told you; dreams don't matter." He took another drink. "What do you think it means?"

Sam shrugged. "I just felt like..." He looked to Crowley. "No, nothing. You're right."

"Moose..." Crowley sing-songed looking, a little fed up, to his right and it brought Sam right back to his dream. He looked at Crowley's neck - the bare flesh. He saw himself slice it and drink. Crowley caught Sam's look and lowered his eyebrows. "Sam?"

Sam was shocked by Crowley using his name that he snapped back to him. "What?"

"The last time someone looked at me like that I was creeping out of Cleopatra's bed chamber at midnight."

"What?" Sam scoffed and stood up on the spot. "What are you... Cleopatra?" His face relaxed. "As in-"

"As in the Egyptian Queen, yes. Do you really think she got that way by bathing in milk?" He smirked. "Tell me," he walked towards Sam slowly, "in this dream," he stopped in front of Sam looking up to him and lowering his voice, "was I in it?" Sam looked to the side, giving himself away. "Oh." Crowley grinned. "Kinky."

"Come on." Sam nodded to the chair. "You've had long enough."

Crowley took a step back as Sam took a step forwards. "Oh come on, Moose." He looked up again. "We were just beginning to become chums, again." Sam stood and gestured to the chair. "At least let me finish this." He gestured to his glass.

Sam sighed and nodded. "Hurry up."

Crowley took a sip. "It's whiskey, not beer." Sam raised an eyebrow so he sighed and downed it before slowly sitting back down. "First you have a wet dream about me and now you want to tie me up." Sam looked down, pausing, the collar in hand. "Go on, take a sip," he whispered. "I won't rush you."

Sam sighed and shut it over, locking it in place. "I'll pass." He looked down to Crowley and smiled a little before walking around the front to make sure it was fixed. Crowley looked at him and then down, almost without meaning to. Sam fiddled with the collar. "Besides, all your innuendos and suggestions..." He leaned to look at the collar and Crowley's eyes turned. Perhaps worried that Sam would indeed take a sip. "... Anyone can see that if anyone has had a wet dream, it's you." He straightened up and then leaned down to fix the chain while looking up and winking.

Crowley laughed a little. "Have you noticed the change in you when I'm tied up? Because if it wasn't so intriguing-"

"It'd be what?" Sam smiled again raising his eyebrows in question. "Funny?" Crowley tilted his head a little. "A turn on?"

He looked at Sam, his eyes staring, trying to figure out this strange man. He had thought he had the brothers down. He thought he had known them in their entirety but then they had betrayed him and took him as their prisoner. Nearly cured him, no less. And now, now this. Sam was initiating some kind of power play and he definitely got off on it. Crowley was more interested in Jolly Green than ever. He had so many different levels to him and he was sure he was the first to see this one.

"No denial," Sam said with a smile and leaned up on his knees to check the left hand - leaning his front against Crowley's leg. "If it wasn't so intriguing..." He grinned.

>><<

Dean had been staring into space for a while now. He touched his fingers to his lips and thought back. It occurred to him that there were a shit ton of different ways to kiss in the world. The 'trying to keep kissing but moaning is getting in the way' kind. The 'one person was one second ahead of the other bumping' kind. The 'lip biting, drawing blood' kind. The 'chaste, ain't got time for anything more' kind. The 'soft, lingering rare' kind - rare for Dean at least. The 'bruising, can't get close enough unless our faces were molded as one' kind. The 'soft lips, teasing press of tongue' kind. There were so many more than Dean could even list right then.

But two were kind of etched into Dean's memory and kept replaying in that moment.

And they were two very different kisses.

One was a rough surprise, tasting of nicotine, beer and burger. It was guiding Dean with one hand under his jaw and the other stretched out the side to keep the cigarette out of the way. It was the 'bumping against the wall, stubble rash and thigh against boner' kind.

Then there was the other one. That one was the soft and warm with a slight but firm pressure. Between you're not close enough and neither am I. The 'saliva clicking, fingernails gently in the hair and I could do this all night feeling settling around' kind.

Peter and Castiel.

Stranger and friend.

Human and angel.

No. Human and human.

But Cas wasn't like other humans, was he? Shit, Castiel had never been like other angels either. And, Dean was thinking, he had never had a kiss like that one. As good as it was he had had ones like Pete's before - unexpected but not unwelcome. But that kiss with Cas was... it was completely new. It stirred something in Dean too. No, not like  _that_. Well, maybe like that but Dean couldn't help feeling like there was something trying to niggle it's way out from a dusty corner of his brain. He couldn't put his finger on it but there was a feeling in his mind, something bothering him. Maybe another reminder that Cas was his friend, his ex-celestial friend. His friend who thought about him in the shower.

Dean looked down and cleared his throat as he sat up in the main room, feet coming down from the table.

_Now he's got a boner._

"I knew my own words would bite me in the ass," Dean whispered to himself.

"What's that?" Cas looked up from his seat next to Dean.

"Cas." Dean took a sharp intake. "When-? How-?"

Cas smiled. "You didn't even notice me sit down, did you?"

Dean turned in his chair to hide his bottom half under the table. "Uh, sorry."

"It's alright." Cas looked back to his book. "You were daydreaming." Dean rubbed his face and leaned it in his hand on his elbow on the table. "Was that also about Hell?"

Dean turned to look at Cas, face still in his hand with his elbow on the table and Cas hadn't moved save for his eyes. Dean looked at them. Blue. Blue as hell. Dean stared at them. Were they always that blue? How the hell had he missed those? Like some kind of rare stone tucked away underground that no one has seen yet. But Dean had.

"Your uh..." Dean mumbled into his hand and then lifted his fingers away from his face a little to be heard better but keeping his head leaning there. "Your eyes," he said.

Cas lowered the book in his lap. "What about them?"

"They're blue," Dean whispered.

 _Of course they're blue, dumbass,_ Dean thought to himself.

"I mean I know they're blue and I know you know they're blue but I've never really noticed before." Cas lifted his head still looking at Dean as he dropped his hand to the table and leaned towards Cas a little. "Have they always been that blue?"

Cas waited. "They haven't changed to my knowledge."

Dean nodded. "They're..." He swallowed. "They're  _really_ blue."

"Do you find this disturbing?" Cas asked as he looked over Dean, he was acting weird.

"Disturbing?" Dean repeated, focusing out to the whole of Cas' face and not just his eyes.

"You seem quite fixated on them, either they disturb you or they are your way of not discussing your daydreams."

Dean blinked a few times. "No, they're not disturbing Cas." He chewed his lip a little. "They're uh, shit they're gorgeous, man." Cas seemed visibly stunned by this as he let go of the book all together and it fell to the ground between the two chairs. "I got it." Dean leaned down and picked it up, closed, and held it out to Cas. "Here."

"Thank you, Dean," Cas muttered looking in Dean's eyes as he slowly took the book.

"No problem." Dean smiled, a little embarrassed.

"I wasn't talking about the book," Cas said softly and Dean looked back to him.

There was a silent second before Dean nodded, just once. "Right." He looked to the ground. "I wasn't daydreaming about Hell," he whispered. Cas looked back. "I was thinking about a couple of kisses I had recently."

Cas blinked. "Couple?" Dean nodded. "You remember that one?" His heart was in his throat.

Deans brow dipped. "Yeah, course I do?" He smiled. "It was only the other night?"

Cas' face dropped. He doesn't remember and yet he said 'couple'. 

 _Oh,_  Cas suddenly realized where this was going.

"Right, yeah." He looked down as he tried to gather his things.

"I went to a bar the other night-" Dean started.

"Great," Cas muttered trying to put his papers together.

"-I got the barmaid to-"

"Good to know." Cas tried to squeeze his ears closed. It most certainly was  _not_  good to know.

"-fire me up a burger, it was a good burger-"

"Uh-huh." Cas stood pulling all his stuff together.

"-and I couldn't get rid of her. Cas what are you doing?" Dean watched him frantically trying to tidy his books up.

"You and the barmaid, I'm listening-" He shut the book, piling the papers on top.

"Well could you sit down, I'm trying to talk to you about-"

"-but I have a lot of research to do-"

"-the other night and that other kiss, it's important." Dean stood up as Cas started to leave.

"-why don't you tell Sam-?" Cas walked away.

"Cas?" Dean took a step too.

"-I'm sure he'd understand more than me." Cas rounded the door as Sam walked in. "Hello, Sam." He kept walking.

"Cas!" Dean shouted after him.

Sam walked towards him as Dean sighed and sat back down. "Was that my fault?"

Dean looked up. "I'm not even sure that was  _my_  fault." Dean sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Men!" He sighed.

Sam burst out laughing and Dean looked up.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't usually do trigger warnings because I think it takes away from the story but I recently realised I have a trigger so I'm starting to understand more about how you all feel. So, you don't see anything here but there is sexual abuse alluded to. 
> 
> I wouldn't advise skipping this chapter BUT the trigger applies only on the last little bit, I have a bolded warning there and once you see that you can skip ahead without missing anything important to the rest of the story.

_"If there was one thing in the world you could change, what would it be?" The meat on the hooks shakily opened his mouth but Dean pointed the needle to his eye and he gasped. "Not you."_

_Dean looked up to Alistair. "Me?" Alistair gestured to himself and Dean nodded from his perch. "Hmm." He swirled imaginary liquid around in his mouth. "I'm not sure you'd like it."_

_"Try me," Dean urged as he rubbed the needle down the man's trembling face. "Us."_

_Alistair looked at what Dean was doing and smirked a little. "Alright." He took a step towards the man's back. "May I join you?"_

_He gestured to the man with his knife, his favorite one that he never put down, not recently. It was long and thin with a sturdy handle. It was absolutely caked in dried blood and god only knows what else. There was a patch on the handle, where the palm of Alistair's knuckles would rest, where sweat from constant holding was loosening the dried whatever it was that covered the whole instrument. There was plenty of that dark maroon stuff that could only be old, dried blood. It was dark and thick with the application of layer upon layer but it was still noticeable as red and not black. But there was also smatterings of other colors and textures smeared all over and Dean didn't want to even consider what they were. Especially not since he had used the knife himself once or twice. Lately however, Alistair was keeping it close to him, never even putting it down. And because of this, a little patch had begun to work itself away, or just apart from the rest, overlapping some more of the stuff, and revealing a tiny patch of the material underneath. Silver. Solid silver. Dean tried to imagine what it had once looked like as he formed an answer to his boss with his mind and then his mouth, he somehow knew that it was solid silver all over, even the handle, and the thin blade, although completely flat, had some kind of dip in the middle and Dean often thought about what the entry wound would look like of an unclogged, polished version of the blade. Its sliver of silver always caught Dean's eye as Alistair shuffled it in his palm but he forced himself to meet Alistair's own eyes._

_"Mi casa..." Dean said, gesturing his arm out to the subject in the middle of the room._

_Alistair smiled and turned the blade around in his hand so that it was horizontal and the man screamed out when it obviously made contact with the skin on his back. "I would get rid of Earth."_

_"Completely?" Dean asked before tapping the syringe, letting some of the liquid flick onto the left side of the man's face and neck. He winced as it burned him._

_"Oh yes, or perhaps utilize it." He bared his teeth as he twisted the knife._

_The man arched his back towards Dean and looked him in the eye. "Please, please don't do this," he pleaded in a whisper, shaking his head at Dean._

_Dean looked over his face for a second. "What do you mean by 'utilize'?" he asked._

_The man let out a sob and closed his eyes. He didn't even flinched when Dean plunged the needle into his right side but he certainly noticed when Dean slowly pressed the plunger._

_"Well," Alistair grunted and the man sobbed louder, "right now every soul up there, is just in a big waiting room. They're all floating around waiting to see what door they're end up walking through. One or two."_

_"There's more than that." Dean laughed._

_"Yeah, **we**  know that but they don't, do they? The apes." He smiled at his own words and used the back of his right hand to wipe his brow, bringing the knife back into view in the process. "They think - heaven or hell. They don't think they'll end up in purgatory or anywhere else."_

_"Fair point." Dean pulled the needle out, now empty, and walked around the man towards his table to put it down. The man started to convulse and moan as the acid made its way through his veins. "So, what would you do?"_

_"I'd take away the other doors." Alistair lowered his knife wielding hand and bend down, using his left hand for something that Dean couldn't see as the view was blocked by Alistair's head. If he had been looking, which he wasn't. Dean's eyes were fixed on that blade. There was something about it. It was drawing him to it and he didn't know why. "Make Earth one big holding pen, leading to paradise."_

_Dean laughed. "Paradise?" Alistair turned. "Here?"_

_"One man's hell is another man's heaven."_

_"Not if you take away the door," Dean muttered and Alistair laughed._

Dean sat bolt upright in his bed. Sweat and heat surrounding him like a mist but his attention was immediately fixed at his open bedroom door. A figure had just disappeared. He could see, even through the mist, that someone or something had been standing there, staring at him and retreated the minute he had awoke.

"Hey!" Dean called as he threw the covers from around him, bounded from the bed, leaning only for a second to grab his gun.

Whatever it was, it was strong or immensely sly, to have slipped into the base unnoticed but it hadn't attacked Dean.

He thought of that as he scrambled to full height and got to his doorway, just to see the shadow round the end of the corridor. He took off after it. "Get back here you sonofabitch!" Dean yelled and, his body not quite awake yet, slammed into the left side of the corridor as he tried to run and use his left hand to push back off the wall which only caused him to hit the other side.

Whatever it was hadn't attacked him, maybe Dean had disturbed it at just the right time but he couldn't see that as being right so either it had attacked the others to get to him or it had no intention of attacking him at all. Dean couldn't figure out what was less appealing. Brute force, or the lack of it.

"Sammy!" Dean called finally getting to the middle of the corridor as his legs woke up and he found his balance. "Cas!"

He rounded the corridor and couldn't see anything. But he had to make sure Sam and Cas were safe.

"Dean?" Sam appeared as his door, the puffiness of sleep still around his face as he stepped the light. "What's wrong?" Dean saw the glint of metal coming from the gun he held in his hand.

"Something was watching me," Dean said and pushed himself down the corridor in its direction knowing it would be well gone by now.

"What do you mean, like a dream?"

Dean sighed at Sam as he had started to follow him. "No, not like a dream."

"What then?" Sam asked, waking up now.

Dean stopped as he came to the main room and saw nothing. Nothing remotely disturbed. "Like I woke up and someone was staring at me and took off."

"Someone? You said some _thing,_ " Sam repeated as he looked over Dean's shoulder into the room. He passed him and looked up to the door then turned to Dean. "There's no one or  _thing_  here, Dean." Sam sighed. "It must have been a dream."

Dean looked around. "Cas," he whispered and looked up to Sam panicked. "Cas!"

He ran back along the corridor the way he had come and slid to a halt outside Cas' bedroom door. Sam slid to a stop beside him a second after. They looked at the door, it was slightly ajar and Dean tried to remember if it had been on his stumbling way passed. He couldn't think. Dean looked to Sam and then pushed the door open slowly.

"Cas?" The door opened and as Dean let go of it he and Sam raised their guns. On the bed lay a figure, wrapped in a blanket and practically unseen. "Cas?" Dean whispered again as he walked to the bed, he and Sam shared a look before he looked down again. Sam stepped into the room and the light fell over the figure as they moved out of its way.

Dean slowly put his left hand out to the cover, keeping his gun ready while Sam had his aimed. Dean tried not to let his hand tremble as he looked at the figure, not paying attention to his hand but rather where the figure's head would be on the pillow, wrapped in the blanket. He heard Sam's grip tighten around the metal on his gun as Dean's fingers gathered a bit of the blanket up ready to reveal what was underneath. The brother's breathing shallowed and all could be heard was their heartbeats.

Suddenly, the brother's jumped when the figure inhaled a loud, low snort and turned in the bed, the covers falling from it and revealing a sleeping Cas. Dean and Sam let out deep breaths as they looked to each other. They lowered their guns and tip-toed out of the room before Dean pulled it closed behind him.

"Just a dream then?" Sam whispered.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, must have been." He let out a deep breath. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Sam slapped his brother on the back and walked away back to bed exhaling one final time.

Dean waited on his door closing before he slowly opened Cas' door and looked in. "Cas?" he whispered to a silent room then looked down when he got no answer. "If you're awake..." He paused, wondering what he was doing. "You don't need to watch over me, Cas. Gonna end up killin' me, scaring me like that." He let out a little laugh. "And for the record..." He bit his lip. "Nothing happened between me and the barmaid." He smiled. "If you can hear me then," he swallowed, "I miss waking up to you." He tightened his grip on the handle of the door a little. "The barmaid story has a point, you should let me tell it to you some time. When you're ready." He paused again. "Night, Cas."

He closed the door over and walked back to his room.

Sam smiled as he leaned against his door, still holding his gun.

Cas bit his lip nervously and turned around in the dark of his room.

>><<

Sam was sitting in front of his laptop when Dean wandered into the main room.

"Hey," Sam said and raised his eyebrows in greeting. "So get this," Dean walked towards him, "the haunting in Wyoming turned nuclear while we weren't paying attention and now the cops are investigating a good old locked room mystery."

"How many dead?"

"Eight." Sam shook his head. He looked up when Dean sighed. "What's up?" Dean rubbed the back of his neck. "Still thinking about that dream?"

Dean sat in the chair next to Sam. "It wasn't a dream."

"Dean-" Sam started but stopped when Dean put his hand up, nodding.

"I know, but it wasn't a dream and it wasn't a monster."

Sam paused. "Cas?"

Dean nodded. "I think I caught him checking up on me and, after everything that's been going on, he panicked and didn't want me to go off on him."

Sam inhaled and sat back in his chair. "What are you going to do? You have to talk to him."

Dean paused for a second, his top front teeth worrying the inside of his bottom lip. "Sam." Sam's head moved a little, not understanding. "How comfortable are you with this?"

"Talking about this? I'm fine. I told you, you can talk me to me about anything."

Dean shook his head. "No, I know I can talk to you. I mean about..." He stopped, looking at the table.

"About you and Cas?" Dean's eyes met Sam's again. "Is that a possibility?"

"Doesn't matter." Dean shook his head. "I need to know right now," he lazily swiped his right hand horizontally in the air, "forget everything, Sam. Forget that he was an angel, forget that we're hunters, forget heaven or hell, Crowley, Abaddon. Forget Azazel," Sam's throat tightened, _if only_ , "Ruby, Anna, Lisa, all of it. Forget everything. Just think about me and you, brothers." Sam nodded. "And Cas, our friend. How comfortable are you with the idea that your brother and your friend Cas might have..." Dean exhaled a little shakily, "something?"

Sam looked to the table. "I can't forget everything Dean, I automatically think how will the monsters out there use you two against us and what would happen if we find a way to reverse this mess and Cas becomes an angel again. I can't forget it all." Dean took in what Sam had said, he hadn't even thought that far. "But as far as the bare bones of the situation go," he nodded, "I'd be very happy," he looked back up from the table to Dean, "for you both."

Dean nodded once, his eyes briefly moving to the table before he looked back up to Sam again and a smile spread on his face as he nodded another couple of times and looked to the table. "Awesome," he said quietly.

Sam let out a little laugh. "This haunting, sound like our thing?"

Dean laughed too. "A haunting? How could it not be our thing?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, but lately our thing has been a bit more mammal than fish."

"Fair enough." Dean smiled. "Well, I don't know about you but I could do with some of that purging you were talking about." Sam nodded. "Good, then let's forget this chick-flick moment and go fishing." Sam laughed as Dean stood up. "Gear up in five, I'm gonna go get Cas."

"Alright." Sam nodded and stood too.

Dean walked along the corridor, letting a smile play on his lips before he pressed them together as he got to Cas' room door. He knocked.

"Yes?" Cas answered.

Dean pushed the door open and saw Cas standing there in just his boxers. "Sorry," he said then turned around quickly and looked up as Cas scrambled for his denim pants. "I didn't realize you weren't dressed."

"My apologies, Dean." Cas pulled them up quickly. "What's wrong?"

"Sam and I were gonna go clean up the mess from that haunting you found, a little something to keep us on our toes just now. You up for it?"

Cas paused thinking about it and Dean turned to look at the former angel staring at him. "I don't think that would be wise. It would attract all manner of attention."

"Purgatory all over again," Dean whispered.

He wondered if Cas had been awake, if he had heard him at all. He wondered what he hoped the answer would be. Cas nodded slowly. Dean took a step closer to Cas, both of them yet to break eye contact.

"Did you, uh-?" Dean licked his bottom lip. "Did you get a good sleep?"

Cas paused, taking an almost imperceptible deep inhale through his nostrils. "Yes."

Dean looked over his face. "Good."

Cas couldn't help it, he looked down and Dean rocked back on his foot a little. The intensity of their stare now broken Dean seemed to realize just how close they were standing.

"Did you, sleep well?" Cas managed to get out before he looked up to see Dean, having started to turn away, stop midway and look at him.

"I've had better," Dean whispered.

Cas gently nodded. "So have I."

They looked at each other again before Dean slowly turned away again and Cas found a shirt to throw on.

>><<

**TRIGGER WARNING APPLIES HERE.**

Dean and Sam bundled into the car. "Just drive, Sam." Dean bared his teeth as he pulled his shirt off.

"Motel?" Sam asked as he revved the engine and they roared away.

"Easy!" Dean growled at him, Sam's face showed apology and Dean sighed knowing that Sam was just worried. "Grab our stuff and head for another." Sam nodded. "Same as usual."

Sam nodded again as they sped towards their local motel room. "You think they saw the key?"

Dean bundled up his shirt, pulled it around the top of his right arm and winced when it touched his blood soaked skin. "Can't risk it just for the sake of a bullet. We'll stop when it's safe." He used his teeth to pull the shirt tight around his arm and exhaled.

They fell silent as Sam drove, out of necessity to their room. Sam glanced to Dean as he looked through his phone. "Dean?" Dean grunted an answer. "Does it feel the same?" Dean turned his head to look at Sam, without answering. "That." He nodded to Dean's arm and Dean looked forward, trying to figure out what he meant.

"Getting shot?" Sam nodded. "Feels the same as it always does."

"I mean, does pain feel the same in Hell." Dean paused. "Like is it the same, is it worse?"

"Sam, in Hell, you don't get shot by a bunch of hunters pissed at us."

"I know." Sam sighed.

"In Hell you are sliced, diced, shot, injected-" He inhaled. "And violated," Sam whipped his head to look at Dean, "in a hundred ways, more than any mortal could imagine." He swallowed. "And more than I hope you remember."

Sam shifted in his seat. "You think that Lucifer-?"

"I don't know, Sam." Dean cut him off. "If you don't remember then it didn't happen."

"But you do?" Sam glanced again and Dean's throat almost closed up completely. "Why didn't you say?"

"Because it doesn't even matter Sam, that's not what I mean. That didn't happen."

"You just said-"

"I know what I said Sam!" Dean shouted and glared at his brother. "And now I'm telling you it didn't happen! What I said came out wrong, understand?"

Sam inhaled. "Okay, yeah. Understood." Sam folded his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

Not two minutes later they pulled into the motel and Dean put his right hand on the door handle, mid-turn he saw Sam's hand come up to his face and he watched Sam wipe tears from his face. And all he saw was the little boy who wondered where his dad was and why he missed another Christmas. He would roughly wipe tears from his face when he thought Dean wasn't looking and then when Dean came near him he'd run to the bathroom or turn into the covers.

Dean stopped. "Sam-"

"Come on." Sam pushed the door open and Dean sighed before following him. He slowly followed his brother into the motel room, watching as he hastily tried to wipe more tears away before they could fall onto his face. He grabbed their bags, Dean tried to pick one up and Sam took it from him. "I got it."

Dean let him take it and watched him shove it all in the car. "Sam?" He walked beside him. "Sam, will you stop and look at me?"

"We need to get out of here," Sam mumbled and headed for the driver's seat.

Dean pulled his arm and spun him to look at him. "Sam, the only way guys like us keep going," he moved his head to try and make Sam meet his eye line," is to separate this life from that. You were the one that told me that the guy I was down there was not me standing here now."

Sam's eyes moved to Dean's - red and puffy. "Yeah?"

"And that is the only reason I get up in the morning. Because of what you said." Sam inhaled and lowered his head a little to look at Dean properly. "So, you can't compare here and there, Sam. It's completely different and it happened to different people." Sam seemed to relax a little, because he had to. "Right?"

Sam nodded slowly. He could understand that logic. He could more than understand that.

"We are not there anymore, and we are not those guys." Sam nodded again, they turned back to the car and Dean got in. Sam quickly wiped his face one last time and jumped in a second after Dean before starting the engine and getting out of dodge.

Dean looked out the window as they sped away down towards the interstate.

_Don't you want to cuddle, Dean?_

The voice rang out and Dean bit his lip, looking up to the sky as he fought tears and Sam glanced to the back of his head while shifting gear.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who did skip the trigger warning, Dean got shot in the upper arm while they were on a hunt. That's all you missed, you didn't miss the hunt, just them booking it from the scene.

_Castiel turned the blade around in his hand and lunged forward, driving the silver edge into the man's abdomen, he didn't even look down as the man spluttered and held onto him._

_'Again,' came Naomi's voice._

_Cas turned to see another Dean standing smirking at him. He tightened his hand on his gun and aimed it at Cas. He fired and Cas spun out of the way. He followed Cas' movements with his bullets. When they ran out and Cas' right forearm was pulsing with blood and pain from the last one the man lunged at him, Cas now close enough to hurt Dean. He pushed Cas to the floor and straddled him as he pushed Cas' free left arm to the floor._

_'What's the word, Cas?' he asked the angel._

_Cas used his shot right arm, moved it through the pain to Dean's stomach and thrust it in with a loud groan. Dean's mouth opened and his grip on Cas' arm left._

_'It's the shortened version of my name,' he threw Dean off of him, 'Dean.'_

_Naomi smiled. 'Again.'_

Cas sprung up in his bed. "Dean!" he gasped and looked around the room. He was in his room in the bunker. He sighed and closed his eyes.

He pushed the covers back and made for the kitchen when he heard voices.

"What do you mean?" Dean sighed and Cas walked towards the room. "Why do you need to talk to him?"

"I thought he might have more names." Sam shrugged.

"Whatever, if you get overpowered don't blame me." Sam huffed and Cas heard him walking away.

Cas walked into the main room to see Dean sitting down holding his forehead and looking at the floor.

"Dean?" He looked up, his face was red and tight. "What's wrong?"

Dean paused, letting his hand fall. "Nothing, Cas. Just tired. Did we wake you?"

"No." Cas shook his head and thought about it. "No, I wasn't asleep." It was then that Cas saw the red mark on Dean's top and walked towards him. "What happened?"

He stood beside Dean, who remained sitting, and looked to where Cas was looking. "Oh, nothing."

Cas looked at him. "Are you seriously going to 'nothing' me?"

Dean looked over his face. "I got shot." he whispered it and looked down at Cas' clothes. He was dressed for bed. He looked up as Cas reacted to his news.

Cas' brow furrowed in worry. "I think it needs changed."

Dean saw his face was puffy and his hair was a mess. Well, it looked good but it was still a mess compared to his usual style.

"Yeah, I know," he agreed and pointed to the bag Sam had left on the table. "I need to wait until Sam's finished with Crowley."

"Crowley?" Cas lifted his right hand to Dean's left shoulder just looking at the wound.

"Yeah, I dunno. He keeps going down there but he hasn't gotten anything usable from him yet." He looked up at Cas and thought about the figure in his doorway. Was his face contorted with worry like it is now?

"Let me do it." Cas leaned over the table, his thigh rubbing Dean's wound but he didn't say anything about it.

"No, Cas you don't have to do that."

"I know I don't have to." He tucked the fingers of his right hand under the collar of Dean's open shirt and he felt the fingers drag over his skin as he slowly pushed Dean's shirt from his shoulder. "Maybe I want to." He pulled the cuff down and Dean cautiously moved his arm out of the sleeve. Cas looked behind him and dragged a chair over to sit next to Dean as he took the scissors and began cutting the bandage off.

>><<

As Sam walked the steps down to the archive/dungeon he heard Crowley's voice drawl out, rough and deep, singing slowly.

"Ain't seen no sunshine since I don't know when," Sam paused, midway down the stairs, "I'm stuck in this ol' prison and time keeps draggin' on..." He paused and Sam continued slowly down the last steps. "But that train keeps a rollin' on down to the dunge-" he paused, looking to the side. "-on." Sam let out a little exhale at his attempt to rhyme and moved towards the shelves at the back. "When I was growing up they told me Fergie no one's gonna take you seriously unless you're hung." Sam pulled the doors open and looked at Crowley smiling to himself. "But I shot a man in Cali, just to watch him die."

"When I hear that whistle blowing," Sam spoke, "I hang my head and cry."

Crowley smirked. "Not so much."

"That should be enough to damn you to hell on its own, messing with Johnny Cash's words like that." Sam disappeared towards the files at the back labelled 'architecture of the 1930s' and opened a box, dipping his hand in.

"Didn't realize you were a Cash fan, Moose," Crowley muttered looking around him getting a little fidgety.

"There's a lot you don't know about me." Sam smiled as he pulled out a bottle of scotch and, surprisingly, cards.

"Really?" Crowley craned his neck to see as Sam wandered back over with the bottle and cards. "No glasses?"

Sam sighed as he pulled the shelves over behind them and turned back to the demon. "A bottle of scotch going missing, I can swing, two glasses I can't. When this is finished," he gestured to the bottle, "I take it back and dump it in the trash. Job done."

Crowley watched Sam put it down and go into his pocket for the key. "Lying to your brother about spending time with me?" He smiled as Sam unlocked the chain attached to the cuffs on his wrists. "Better be careful, people will begin to talk about us."

Sam laughed when he leaned up to undo the neck brace. "Just a little game to pass the time." He put the key in his top pocket and buttoned it up as Crowley rubbed his neck.

"I take it I'm not walking around for this take?" he asked.

Sam shook his head and sat down across from Crowley. "No one plays cards standing up."

"No one sits strapped to a chair for 3 days." He sighed as he cracked his knuckles.

"If you want me to go-?" Sam started.

"No," Crowley stated and Sam paused. "No, don't." Sam nodded. "But I'm not playing snap."

Sam chuckled as he opened the cards and Crowley reached for the bottle.

>><<

Cas was kneeling on the floor beside Dean to better see what he was doing and gently unwound the bandage from Dean's upper arm. "Did a ghost shoot you?"

Dean looked over to him again. "No, no it was a bunch of hunters."

"Hunters?" Cas wound the bandage up and put it on the table.

"Yeah, a few of them went to investigate the haunting and the killing but when we got there they turned on us."

"Why would they do that?" Cas folded up a rag and placed it over the bottle of alcohol before tipping it upside down briefly and then back upright. And repeating it a few times.

"They know that we had a chance to close Hell, we didn't and that we closed Heaven."

" _I_ did that, not you two." Cas' jaw tightened. "That was all my fault."

"Hey," Dean lowered his head, "we're a team, there is not a single one of us that's solely responsible for what happened."

Cas paused. "If that's the case-"

"It is," Dean stated.

"Then all three of us shoulder Hell too." He looked up as he wiped Dean's wound and Dean winced. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Dean whispered. "Cas, what happened with Heaven is on us not you. If we had listened to Naomi and understood it without just trusting Metatron then you wouldn't have trusted him either. It's on us. Just like Hell."

"Is that how you do things?" Cas wiped again and looked up. "Everything is your fault and no one else's? Everything is on Dean Winchester, has been since he was born and no one else has any blame ever."

"I don't know why you're pissed at me-"

"I'm not," Cas said and sighed. "I'm not, I'm sorry." He wet the cloth with alcohol again. "I'm just saying that even one footstep on this earth must be so hard for you, the amount of stuff you carry I'm surprised you can lift your legs. No wonder they're bowed."

Dean screwed up his brow and looked down to his legs. "Bowed?"

"You have to let people take the blame they deserve." Dean looked at his wound as Cas slowly wiped it. It was so soft and gentle. As if he would crack and break if Cas was too rough. "I don't mean monsters and demons. I mean humans. You have to let me say that Heaven was my doing. The amount of things you pile on I'm surprised you can get out of bed in the morning."

Dean exhaled, looking up to Cas' eyes. "It's harder than you think," he whispered. Cas looked up and Dean looked down. "Cas, do you not trust me?"

"What do you mean?" Cas put another piece of gauze on Dean's arm and Dean used his finger to hold it while Cas wrapped the bandage around his arm.

"You lie to me, a lot," it was still a whisper and when Cas looked up to Dean's face, Dean's eyes moved to his. "You've just woke up. Either we woke you up or something else did. And although you are too sweet to complain if it was us, I still think you would admit it and say it's alright. So, it has to be something else."

Cas looked down at Dean's arm. And said nothing.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it - jeez out of everyone I woulda thought you'd know that I'd understand that - but you don't have to lie about it Cas. Don't talk if you don't want to but don't lie. Not to me. Please."

Cas looked up again, keeping his head bowed. "I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean nodded and looked as Cas tucked the bandage in and smoothed it under his thumbs.

>><<

"How's things going with the Odd Couple?" Crowley gesture to the doorway while he was arranging his new hand.

"Who knows?" Sam rubbed his face. "I've all but given up on those two."

"Why?" Crowley lowered his hand. "Not homophobic, are you Moose?"

"No, come on!" Sam scoffed. "I just mean they're clearly interested in each other but they're not..." Crowley looked up to Sam gesturing his cards trying to find the words.

"Shagging." Crowley stated evening out his cards. "Well, this isn't an ordinary sitcom, Moose."

"I know that, I said as much to Dean." Crowley looked up again. "We can't forget about Heaven and Hell and hunting and all of this mess but," Sam sighed, "it shouldn't matter, should it?" He picked a card from his hand and moved it to the far left where he tucked it back in. "It should be easy if they really want it."

"This isn't bloody  _You've Got Mail_ ," Crowley lowered his hand and leaned forward, "in this movie Meg Ryan would get to that bridge and it would be Hannibal Lecter waiting for her with Keyser Soze on a fucking leash."

Sam laughed Crowley found himself smiling as he sat back. "Yeah and Meg Ryan would have been dead all along," he added.

"Exactly." He put his bid in. "So even if they decided to shag, what do you think they'll just fall asleep with whispered promises and everything would be rose tinted and the credits would roll. Doesn't happen like that, Moose. I mean, it does for other people but not us lot. They could suck each other off and then have to go on like it didn't happen."

"Ugh," Sam screwed up his face, "there's an image I didn't need."

Crowley laughed. "What, you mean you don't want to imagine your brother breathless and moaning the angel's name?"

"Stop it!" Sam threw his cards on the table and stood up. "Not cool, man!" He grabbed the bottle and walked to the wall staring at it like you would out of a window, if there was one.

Crowley sighed and looked at the table. "Sorry." Sam turned to look at him. "That was a bit..." He scrunched up his face. "Even I could do without that image." Sam walked back to the table and put the bottle back down. "What images do you like?" Crowley drawled and looked back up. "What keeps you warm at night?"

"What?" Sam screwed up his face again.

"Come on Sam, those two have their teenage crushes. What do you have?"

"We're done." Sam gestured to the collar.

"Oh, come on!" Crowley laughed a little. Sam stood into place to fix his collar.

Crowley reached out slowly as he spoke. "So sensitive." He rubbed his right hand up the outside of Sam's thigh to his hip.

Sam grabbed his hand with his left and twisted it while simultaneously reaching into his back pocket with his right hand and taking out his knife to put it to Crowley's throat and the demon moved back as far as he could in the chair. "Just what the hell was that?" The tip of Sam's knife indented Crowley's skin enough to be felt.

Crowley looked into Sam's eyes, a little breath coming out. "Trying to give you something to curl up to."

Sam searched his face. "Don't play games with me," he whispered harshly twisting Crowley's arm more.

"Who said I was playing games?" Crowley winced as Sam twisted his arm more.

Sam smirked, mouth agape. "Come on," He twisted his head looking at Crowley who relaxed a little when he felt the knife fall away from his neck only to flinch again when Sam touched it to his lips and down his chin, "we both know that you are all mouth," he trailed the knife down Crowley's front, "and no trousers." He pressed it threateningly to Crowley's crotch and he flinched away from it.

"Didn't you hear about my deal?" Sam looked back to him. "I'm all trousers, Moose."

Sam let out a whisper of a chuckle before letting Crowley's arm go, staring him down again. They stared and Crowley didn't move. Sam put the neck brace around Crowley and locked it before securing the handcuffs on the chain.

"One last drink?" Crowley gestured his head to the bottle.

Sam looked at it and smiled to himself as he picked it up. The top had been long discarded to the table so he hesitated for a second before bring it to Crowley's lips and tipping it up so he could drink.

"And you?" he asked and Crowley looked up. "What keeps you warm at night?"

Sam lowered the bottle and Crowley licked his lips before he spoke. "Wouldn't you like to know?"


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you'll like this one.
> 
> Then hate it.
> 
> Muhahaha!

_"Alistair?" Dean leaned across the table in the cafeteria where no one ate._

_"Hmm?" Alistair was sitting with his body facing outwards but leaned to his left towards Dean while looking to his right. His blade rested on his knee but was held loosely in his right hand._

_"You alright?" He looked at Dean. "You've been kinda distracted lately."_

_Alistair looked away again but tilted his head. "Yeah, I guess I have."_

_"Anything wrong, that problem back?"_

_"No." Alistair turned to look at Dean. "Nothing from the problem but no confirmation that it's done either."_

_"Ah, kinda in limbo then?" He nodded. "Not sure how to feel?"_

_"Exactly."_

_Dean looked around. "Do you usually feel?"_

_Alistair turned in his seat to look properly at Dean. "What do you mean?"_

_"Well since I've been here I haven't eaten, slept, cleaned the pipes..."_

_Alistair smiled. "Miss being horny?"_

_Dean went a little red. "Not saying that, man, no. I'm just saying you hear about the seven sins and yet, no one down here seems to indulge in any of them."_

_"Does it fuck with your brain?"_

_"A little, man," Dean admitted looking to the blade in Alistair's hand._

_"Well, if it helps," he leaned in further, "we could have a go at cleaning the pipes."_

_Dean scoffed and leaned back. "No need to make a fool outta me, just askin'."_

Dean sat up in bed. Exhaled and looked to the side of his bed. Empty. He ran his hand through his hair and looked to his doorway. Empty.

He sat up in the bed and something else came into his head.

_"Paul's dead," Dean said to Sam._

_"What?"_

_"Jane shot him."_

_Cas looked up to Sam. "It's starting."_

_Dean looked at Cas properly for the first time since walking into the room. For the first time in a long time. "What's starting?" Actually screw that. "Where the hell you been?"_

_Cas turned his head and glared angrily at Dean. "On a bender!"_

_Dean's head nudged back in surprise. "He's..." He glanced at Sam before looking back to Cas. Disappearing and getting drunk was Dean's thing. On occasion it was Sam's thing but he would never have thought it could ever be Cas' thing. "Did he say 'on a bender'?"_

_"Yeah." Dean looked to meet Sam's eyes. "He's still pretty smashed."_

_"It is not of import," the brother's looked down to Cas' drunken drawl to see his right hand raised in the air._

Faith shaken, Cas decided to deal with his despair in the one way he knew how. The one way he had seen his best friend do it. He got smashed.

Dean pulled his covers back and rubbed his face. Tired. That's what he felt. Tired of being hunted, of being unhappy, of being drunk, of being in charge, of taking the blame, of doing what needed to be done, of dreaming about Hell, tired of... everything. Tired of everything with a capital 'e'.

Dean shuffled out of bed and stood up. He stretched and looked in the mirror. Tired. He certainly looked it. He won't look tired tomorrow. Tomorrow he will wake up, shower and dress before pulling himself together and carrying on. No, tomorrow he won't look tired. But right now he looked like hell.

He walked towards his door and paused before pulling it open. He had no idea what he was doing. Well, that was a damn lie - he knew exactly what he was doing but where the idea came from was a mystery. And that was another lie, it had been building up for days if not weeks. But why it suddenly occurred to him to finally try it was anyone's guess. And that was yet another lie, it had occurred to him every single time he had woken up from his dreams. The one thing that was truly,  _truly_ , a mystery is why Dean's mind wasn't batting it out in his head, the pros and cons of what he was about to do, as he padded out of his room. The floor was cool beneath his feet but since he felt a hundred degrees the real temperature of the floor was another mystery.

Dean got to the door and stopped before looking this way and that. The hallway was deserted and he could hear the faint sounds of nothingness. There was no one awake and doing research or whatever. No one except Crowley, who Dean knew didn't sleep. He pushed the door open and walked into the darkness. He heard soft sounds of almost non-existent snoring. He looked around to click the door closed before he looked back to the bed. The figure in the bed was turned away towards the other wall, the wall that separated Cas' room, another empty room, and then Dean's room. He walked over and looked over the sleeping figure before he silently asked himself what the hell he was doing.

Before he could answer himself, he leaned forward and took the cover in his right hand to lift up and lifted his left leg in the air before slipping into the bed behind Cas. He stirred a little as Dean's weight lowered onto the bed, turning just slightly more towards Dean. Dean paused and waited to see if Cas was fully awake before letting the cover fall over his body and lying stiff and staring at the ceiling.

Cas hummed and curled back to the position he was in and Dean closed his eyes feeling the comfort of the heat next to him. He thought about just lying there and letting that be the extent of what he came in for but when he considered it for a moment he was convinced that he couldn't back out now, not after finally listening to the voice in his head and actually coming in here. He opened his eyes and stared into the darkness, perhaps trying to find some argument to have with himself, but heard nothing but his own voice asking what he was waiting for. After a few minutes he decided it was now or never. He turned towards Cas and hesitated before moving so that he fit right in behind him. He slid his right arm over Cas' waist and closed his eyes.

"Dean?" Cas' voice rasped in front of him softly.

Dean opened his eyes when Cas spoke and as Cas turned around a little Dean leaned back to see. "Yeah?"

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," Dean croaked. He cleared his throat slightly. "Yeah Cas, I'm okay."

Cas turned further. "Do  _you_  trust  _me_?"

Dean nodded once. "I had another dream." Cas nodded and turned back to how he was lying. "And I told you, I miss waking up to you."

Cas didn't move. "When did you say that?"

"I know you were awake, Cas," Dean muttered before rolling back and sliding his arm over Cas' side. Cas lifted his elbow to allow Dean's arm in and then dropped it again. "And I know it was you I saw in the doorway."

Silence.

"I'm not mad, if that's what you think." Dean settled his head on his pillow behind Cas and found his nose tickled by his hair. He exhaled a little and then found he preferred the tickle so he touched his nose back there.

"No?" Cas whispered.

"No." Dean lightly shook his head. "But I told you, you don't need to watch over me." He felt the tickle of the hairs and smiled a little. He lightly did it again.

"And I told you, maybe I want to," Cas countered.

Dean exhaled once in a way of laughing. "Fair enough." He didn't even realize he was letting his nose bob up and down a little on the hairs.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cas asked cautiously.

Dean muttered an answer Cas couldn't hear properly.

"Hmm?" Cas asked again, turned his head slightly to the side.

Dean lifted his head, moved his nose along Cas' neck and towards his ear, he pressed his left elbow into the bed behind Cas' neck to hold himself up, pressing his right into Cas' bare abdomen. Cas' own right came up to hold over it in a way of support. "No, thanks, but I'm okay."

"Okay. If you ever..." Cas inhaled. "...change your mind-"

"I know," Dean whispered as he was trailing his nose up and down Cas' neck. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Cas nodded a little breathless.

"Are you sure, you don't sound fine," Dean continued to whisper onto Cas' neck. He was well aware of something building in his boxers. He tried to push it away but when he asked himself why he couldn't find an answer. "Tell me."

"I believe that what you're doing is... having an effect on me." Cas whispered back, a little louder and shakier. Dean didn't need to ask what that effect was.

"Do you want me to stop?"

Dean was almost screaming in his head,  _What am I doing?! This is not what I came in here for, someone to be there to pull me out, the angel that pulled you out in the first place. Not this! Stick to what you know, go to sleep!_

Cas shook his head. He trailed his nose back up to Cas' ear. "Are you sure, because I won't be mad, Cas. If you want me to stop, I will."

"No." Cas shook his head again. "Don't stop."

"'Kay," Dean whispered and brought his nose back to Cas' neck. He stopped and kissed it softly once.

Cas moaned low in his throat, keeping his mouth closed and Dean had to stop himself responding in kind.

"Bad?" Dean asked.

Cas shook his head slightly. "No."

Dean slowly lowered his head to kiss his neck again. Again. Again. He heard Cas moaning quietly and he felt him press down on his hand. Dean's kisses became louder and wetter. He used his left hand to run up through as much of Cas' hair as he could without toppling back to the mattress. He ran his fingernails around the side of his head closest to the bed and kissed up Cas' neck. He came to his jaw line and his left hand cupped Cas' head as he turned him a fraction he kissed his cheek and then leaned in and, turning his head around as much as he could, he kissed Cas on the lips.

Cas kissed him back, his left hand squeezing out from under his body and coming up to Dean's jawline. There was nothing sloppy about it, it was precise and with certain force, both of them knew exactly how they wanted it to happen.

Dean pushed against Cas' abdomen more and then stroked up to his hip. When Dean applied a little pressure Cas turned so he was lying flat on the bed and Dean's hand trailed back over his stomach to the bed where he leaned up over Cas. Cas scraped his nails up through Dean's hair and he inhaled as he felt it and then let out a weak moan.

Cas pulled back enough to talk. "Did I hurt you?" he asked, as concerned as he was every time they returned from a hunt.

Dean looked down to Cas' lips. "No." He snaked his right leg over Cas' onto the mattress in between his legs. "No you didn't hurt me, Cas." He shifted his weight to move his other leg and felt Cas open his legs further to let him. "I liked it," Dean whispered as he padded his knees on the mattress to balance. Their faces were still barely an inch apart. "Is this okay, Cas?"

Cas nodded. "Yes." He pulled Dean's head towards him and they kissed again.

It was about thirty seconds of saliva popping and breaths huffed when Dean slowly ground into Cas who moaned out of the kiss. Dean didn't ask if it was okay, he just did it again. "That feels good," Dean said, surprising himself with the statement.

"You sound like you didn't expect it would," Cas said and moaned when Dean did it again.

"I didn't know what to expect." Dean found himself breathless and thrusting softly without meaning to. It's not so much that he consciously moved, it's that he consciously didn't stop.

"Because we're-" Cas moved his hands and stroked up and down Dean's body softly grinding back. "-men?"

Dean nodded looking down occasionally at what he was doing. "A little out of my comfort zone."

"Were you-" Cas exhaled and Dean looked up, both still rolling together, Dean hands planted on the mattress at either side of Cas and Cas' hands on Dean's body. "-looking for comfort?"

Dean paused in his words only. "Maybe," he admitted thenlooked down again as the both of them concentrated on their breathing, Cas ground up further and Dean's head extended up again as he closed his eyes and moaned. "Keep doing that."

"Yeah?" Cas practically moaned it.

Dean opened his eyes to see Cas close his own eyes and tip his head back. He leaned forward, trying to keep his rhythm and came closer to Cas' face, watching every movement. "Yeah."

Dean's eyes almost danced at seeing what he was doing to Cas. It was a new sensation, grinding up against him, or any guy, like that, but Dean couldn't find a reason not to give in to what he wanted. And in all honesty, if he could have found one, he wouldn't have found the inclination to listen to it.

"That good?" Dean asked and Cas nodded as he moaned. "You gonna cum, Cas?" he asked, not knowing what made him say it.

"I don't-" He paused and swallowed his breath, Dean looked down to his mouth and back up to his closed eyes as he writhed under Dean who thrust against him. The feeling of their erections sliding together was slightly muffled by their boxers but the sensation was so new to the both of them they were as sensitive as virgins. "I don't know what that means," Cas barely managed to get out the words through heavy breathing and moans.

"What you did in the shower, Cas." Dean kissed his neck. "Cuming, are you gonna cum?"

"Yeah." Cas moaned. "Yeah, I am."

Dean grunted at hearing Cas say it. "Good."

"Are you?" Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean bring his hands down to Dean's hips and guiding them to move faster, move harder. He tried to close his mouth to keep in the sounds.

"Yeah," Dean rasped picking up his speed and pressing in harder. "I'm gonna finish pretty soon if you want me to go faster than this."

Cas nodded. "Yes," he said.

"Yeah?" Dean asked.

Cas nodded again. "Yes, I want to make you cum, Dean," he said and Dean groaned in reply before he quickly picked up the speed.

Cas' mouth parted suddenly in response and he moaned into the room, Dean bit his lip, trying to muffle his own noises. The bed squeezed and creaked under them but all Cas noticed was when Dean kissed his neck once more.

"Cas, I'm gonna-" Dean tried to warn him him and moaned into Cas' neck.

"Cum?" Cas offered and Dean nodded.

He thrust up harder and Dean grunted as he started to slowly come, a few seconds in Cas spurted out, a little escaping at the top of his boxers.

"Dean!" Cas moaned as he came down and could feel noting but the vibration of Dean's moan on his neck along with the hot, wet patch there from his breath.

Dean, being practiced in dragging it out, started first and finished last, they stopped grinding on each other as Dean let out a breath and collapsed on top of Cas.

They could both feel their damp boxers and Dean felt the heat from his breath on Cas' neck and the pillow beside his head. He lay there and slowly opened his eyes.

 _Now what?_   Dean wondered.

He figured there was... three ways this could go now and about one or two ways each one of those could go. He played them out in his head.

_Scenario 1._

"Dean?" Dean pulls back to look at Cas. "Where does this leave us?"

"Where do you want it to leave us?" Dean uses his left hand to hold his head up and look at Cas who strokes his side without much thought.

Cas goes a little red. "I don't want to say the wrong thing."

"Tell me," Dean coaxes.

Cas left hand comes up to run through Dean's hair and Dean's eyes close. "I don't want to just say thank you and good night and I don't want to pretend it didn't happen either."

"That's a lot of 'don't wants'," Dean said and opened his eyes. "Just say it, Cas." He looked over Cas' lips. "Say it."

"I want..." He hesitated. "I want you, Dean." Dean looks from his lips to his eyes. "I want a relationship."

_Which could have two outcomes._

_Outcome A._

Dean nods. "Yeah, sounds like a plan." He smiles.

"Really?" Cas smiles and Dean nods again before they kiss.

_OR_

_Outcome B._

Dean inhales. "I want that Cas, I really do."

Cas stops moving his hand through Cas' hair. "But?"

"But in our lives, it's just not possible." Cas pushes Dean from him and bundles away to sit on the edge of the bed. "Cas, wait-"

"Go, Dean." He wipes his eyes.

"Cas-"

"Thank you and good night."

Dean sighs and then leaves Cas to cry.

_OR_

_Scenario 2._

"So, what does this mean, Dean?"

Dean pulls himself up to look at Cas. "I don't know," he admits.

Cas smiles. "Is this the same with a woman?"

Dean swallows. "Sometimes. Not always. Depends on the woman." He whispers, "Cas, you know that as far as a relationship goes-"

"Relax Dean." Cas looks over his face then strokes his body. "I know what this was. Just a bit of fun."

_Which could also have two outcomes._

_Outcome A._

Dean smiles and nods. "Right." He looks over Cas' face again who is looking down at Dean's body. "Not because of you, just because of-"

"Believe me Dean, something like that would be just as impractical in my situation as in yours."

"Right." Dean smiles and leans down to kiss Cas again. "Nothing wrong with fun though, huh?" Cas smiles and nods into the kiss.

_OR_

_Outcome B._

"A bit of fun?" Dean's face screws up. "I would have thought it might mean a little more than that, Cas. After everything we've been through."

"I'm sorry," Dean scrambles off of Cas, "Dean, I just thought with everything going on-"

"Cop out," Dean states.

"Dean, Hell does not suddenly close and Heaven open because you wanted to cum!" Cas shouts at him. "There is much still to be done."

"Yeah, yeah." Dean walks out of Cas' room.

Dean hoped that in Outcome B he wouldn't run into Sam in the hallway, not with his cum drying in his underwear.

_OR_

_Scenario 3._

Dean and Cas fall asleep. At some point during the night Dean wakes up. He creeps out of the room and runs to the bathroom where he has a quick shower and heads back to his room to sleep.

Dean thought about what Sam had said about knowing how Cas reacts and he knew that in that scenario there was only one outcome. In the morning they would wake up and Cas would say nothing. They would carry on as if nothing had happened between them and still Cas would say nothing. Sam would notice something, he always does, and he would ask about it. Maybe in a few nights he'd notice that Cas never slept in Dean's room anymore and he'd ask Dean about it. Dean would tell him, 'I told you Sammy, there was nothing between us.' Team Free Will would carry on trying to put the world back together again and forget all about one night a million moons ago. And Cas would say nothing because Dean decided.

Lying on the bed, all of these thoughts had flown through Dean's head in about five seconds. Along with one more piece of information. Which one he wanted.

"Dean?" Cas croaked. "Are you asleep?"

Dean shifted and pulled back to lean on his hands looking at Cas. "No."

"What were you thinking about?" Cas stroked his side.

Dean paused looking over Cas face. "What happens now."

"And what would that be?" Cas asked looking to where his hand was stroking up and down.

"I don't know," Dean admitted.

Cas nodded. "Maybe it's not something that can be decided in one night. We should get some sleep."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, you're right." He rolled off of Cas and lay on his back looking at the ceiling.

Cas fixed the covers and turned away from Dean. "Goodnight, Dean."

Dean turned his head to look at the back of Cas. "G'night, Cas."


	20. Chapter 20

_"Because I told you, don't go anywhere," Alistair demanded._

_"What, you getting all possessive all of a sudden?" Dean joked._

_Alistair threw him against the wall, his face a mere whisper from Dean's. "Listen to me. Are you listening?" Dean nodded. "There are things going on around you that you don't even get a sniff of and do you know why you don't get a sniff of it?" Dean shook his head. "Because **I**  decided. So when I say don't go anywhere without me, I mean don't fucking go anywhere without my say so." Dean waited. "Okay?"_

_"Yeah," Dean muttered._

_He smiled. "Good." He stepped back and put his hand out to the left. "Shall we?"_

_Dean swallowed. "I don't know, shall we?"_

_His smile grew wider. "Good boy." He turned and Dean closed his eyes trying not to be sick._

Dean opened his eyes and paused before exhaling. He knew he wasn't down there but he also knew he wasn't in his room either.

"Are you okay?" Cas asked.

Dean turned his head to see Cas looking at the ceiling as he turned his head to look at Dean. "Yeah, I'm okay."

Cas looked over his face for a second, determining if he actually was or not before he turned back to the ceiling. "Good."

Silence fell across them both. An awkward silence.

Dean pushed his pout out trying to think of something to say. "So."

 _Idiot,_ he said to himself.

Cas turned his head again. "So?" He laughed and Dean looked. "All of the English language to choose from and  _that's_  what you came up with, 'so'?" He smiled.

Dean smiled back a little embarrassed. "Jeez, gimmie a break, Cas. You can't say this isn't weird?"

Cas looked over Dean's face. "I would think that waking up like this is second nature to you."

Dean sighed and looked at the ceiling again, a little hurt and pissed for it. "Well, it's not." Cas just looked at him. "Any time I've woken up next to someone it's been either someone who's name I was having trouble remembering or Cassie or Lisa." He huffed and looked back to Cas. "This is new."

Cas' brow tensed. "Is it because I am your friend?"

Dean inhaled and exhaled heavily. "Yeah and because you're a guy and because of what's going on outside these walls and..." He trailed off and looked down before moving his hands under the covers. "And I don't remember the last time I came in my underpants."

Dean and Cas shared a look and then laughed.

"I think perhaps letting it dry," Cas shifted himself, "is an experience I do not wish to repeat."

Dean's eyes shifted to the covers where Cas was most likely peeling the fabric off his skin. "And the rest of the... experience..." He looked up to Cas who was looking at him. "What do you think about that?"

"I don't want to say the wrong thing," Cas said.

"Tell me," Dean coaxed.

"I know what this was, Dean." Cas stopped moving his hand. "A bit of unexpected fun."

"Fun," Dean repeated.

"Fun," Cas confirmed.

They both looked ahead solemnly.

>><<

Sam woke up and heavily got out of bed. As he was opening his door he looked up to see Dean step out of Cas' bedroom door and Cas follow him. He quickly closed his door back over, keeping it open the tiniest crack to look through. Both of them just in boxers they shared a smile before turning away from each other and walking towards different bathrooms. Dean looked around at Cas walking away, then looked back with sadness and continued passed Sam's door. Sam looked back to Cas who turned as Dean rounded the corner and then looked at the floor, his smile had gone, before he kept walking. Sam then opened his door and looked along both corridors before trying to decipher what he had just seen.

>><<

"Okay so get this-" Sam started then looked up as Cas walked in. "Oh sorry, I thought you were Dean."

Dean walked in behind him. "What's this?" Cas turned to look and they stared for a second or two before Sam cleared his throat. "You uh, you got something?" Dean turned away and walked to the table, standing waiting. He glanced to Cas as he sat across from them listening.

"I'm not sure," Sam said, looking back to his computer. "I think I figured out why the computers went haywire but I still haven't found Kevin."

Dean sighed. "I told him to stay here." He rubbed his head. "Why does no one ever listen to me?"

"Well anyway," Sam shifted in his seat, "I think the computers are linked to the angels falling." They looked to Cas guiltily.

"How could the two situations be connected?" Cas asked looking at Sam, he glanced to Dean when Dean looked back to Sam.

"It's basically like celestial GPS I think." Sam shrugged.

"I don't know what that means," Cas stated and Dean's throat tightened. He'd heard that before.

_What you did in the shower, Cas. Cuming, are you gonna cum?_

"Like keeping track of all of the angels. Maybe that's why Kevin ran off?" Sam looked up to Dean, quirking an eyebrow when Dean shifted on his feet. "Maybe the machines freaked him out?"

Dean nodded. "Maybe. Nothing's missing through, right? He didn't take anything?"

"Do you seriously think that Kevin would steal from you?" Cas enquired, looking to Dean.

"No, no, course not, Cas." Dean shook his head. "I meant like hunting equipment, I'm just worried he might have freaked out, not knowing what's going on and came looking for us."

Cas and Dean shared a look. Cas was seeing it now, the concern, the need to round up all of the members of the team. If he couldn't see them, he couldn't be sure they were safe. And if they got hurt because of some reason Dean had twisted to make his doing then he would carry Kevin's pain or even death with him too. As if he had shot him straight in the head.

"I see," he said.

"Kevin isn't a child, Dean." Sam sighed.

"No, he's a prophet," Cas interjected before Dean had a chance to go off on Sam. The brother's looked to him, Cas looking at Sam. "And there are now thousands of fallen angels running scared and some out for vengeance." Sam seemed to be catching up. "If Heaven is closed for good then Kevin may be the last remaining link to Heaven."

"Or they could have shut down the link all together," Dean offered. Hoped.

"Yes, that is also a possibility but even if they have the angels won't know that, not for sure." He turned back to Sam. "Kevin is in grave danger."

"Awesome," Dean muttered, turned around as he was and walked towards the corridor.

As he did his arm caught a book and it fell from the shelf down his leg and onto his foot. He kicked it away through the doorway towards the corridor. Dean followed it, grunting angrily, as if the book was to blame for everything that was happening. Sam raised a little but Cas shot right up, he ran to Dean in the corridor just as he was about to stomp on the book in a fit of rage. He grabbed Dean's arms and pushed him backwards along the corridor a few steps and against a wall. Whether it was intentional or not, Cas had pushed him out of Sam's view.

Sam just watched them go and when he didn't hear sounds of arguing or fighting but quiet talking he had a hunch that this wasn't his turn so he settled back down and wiped his forehead. Everything was coming down on them. Outside and in.

Dean bumped against the wall and Cas held his upper arms. "Stop," Cas said quietly. Dean's arms were still tensed as was his jaw.

"If Kevin gets-" He tried to move his arms.

"It will not be your fault," Cas stated throwing his weight on Dean's arms again.

"If he goes looking for us then-" He didn't try to move but he was still tense and ready. Not relaxed and not listening. Cas needed him to listen. He needed his attention.

Cas stepped into Dean's space, slowly and deliberately letting go of Dean's arms to make sure the man could sense him doing it. Dean watched as Cas brought his face close to Dean's, close enough that when he spoke in a whisper Dean could feel Cas' breath drying his own lips.

"Dean, listen to me" Cas said softly to Dean, whose breath seemed to have stalled, watched him watching Dean's lips as he brought his right hand up to just under Dean's jaw. He trailed his right middle finger down to Dean's chin as he spoke. "Not everything in the world is your fault." Dean opened his mouth and Cas put his right index finger over it. "I'm serious," he said hushed. He pulled back a little to better see Dean. "You opened your base to him, you gave him it as a place to hide and be safe. You told him to stay here and then you got back and he wasn't here. He left the key under a stone outside. Anyone could have come in."

"He was scared," Dean whispered. "We left him."

Cas moved his finger back to Dean's chin. "Yes, I understand that. But he chose to leave. He could have gone to a million places that you'd know to look and he hasn't, he could reach out in a million ways and he hasn't."

"Yet," Dean croaked.

Cas smiled. "Exactly. Don't give up. And if anything does happen, remember that he is not a child, he has common sense. He can act and think for himself, afford him the respect of considering that. He is not your puppet."

"I never said he was." Dean shook his head.

"You know what I mean." Cas looked into Dean's eyes.

Dean paused and then nodded. "Thanks." They shared a smile and then Cas laughed a little. "What?" Dean smiled at Cas laughing, however confused he was by it.

"Well, if I have to push you up against a wall every time you need to calm down then I feel sorry for Sam. I suspect it would make him quite uncomfortable," he said and then stepped back from Dean casually, as if it was an everyday occurrence.

Cas walked down the corridor away from Dean and Dean looked to the wall across from him for a second before glancing to Cas walking away. Towards his room. Dean looked to the wall to his right where Sam would be on the other side. He hadn't come to check they were fighting or anything. Anything, in fact. Dean would have to ask about that later. He watched Cas turn into his room and then slowly pushed off the wall and followed him.

 _Fun? I'll show you fun, angel,_ Dean thought.

He walked into Cas' room, Cas looked up from his hands on the back of his chair as Dean turned to close the door and locked it. He turned back to Cas, standing by his desk, and walked towards him. Cas thought for a second, by the look on Dean's face, that Dean was going to beat the living shit out of him. But no, Dean walked to him and kissed him, softly running his hands up the sides of his face Cas stumbled backwards as Dean kept walking, his hands coming out to hold Dean's sides, and bumped Cas up against the wall beside the head of the bed. Cas tucked his fingers under Dean's shirt and stroked up his bare, warm skin. Their tongues sponged together, saliva crackling like sherbet. Cas' hands traveled back down to curve over Dean's ass and pulled him in as he canted his hips towards him.

Dean pulled away slightly, obviously breathless. "Having fun?" Cas looked over his face, it didn't seem happy but he smiled at Cas anyway. Strangely.

Cas couldn't think, which might have had something to do with the fact that Dean had his arm on the walls and was thrusting into Cas, his lips moving to Cas' neck. More breath than kissing.

Maybe Dean was bored of it now, maybe he didn't want to do what they had already done. But he had charged in there, why? After Cas pushed him up against the wall, close enough to touch and, many other things. Maybe Dean wanted that. Maybe he wanted Cas to take charge for a change. But like how?

Cas looked down at Dean and moved his hands up to Dean's hips. He pushed Dean off of him then followed in behind it to kiss him before Dean could react to the confusion. He turned him and walked him towards the bed before letting him fall onto it. Dean's mouth hadn't even caught up to kissing again, before he grabbed at Cas' shirt in reflex as he fell. Cas clambered onto the bed over Dean and when his crotch came higher on Dean than his he looked down at the man, still confused, under him. He gestured his head to the head of the bed and Dean slowly moved backwards on the bed. His lips were swollen and his movements hesitant but they never spoke, not yet.

Cas reached for Dean's denims and started undoing his belt. Dean just watched.

"Cas?" Cas looked up and he pulled it free. "Wh...?" Dean trailed off when Cas unhooked the button and pulled the zipper down. His eyes closed and he exhaled.

 _God, that feels good,_ he internally sighed in relief.

Cas smiled and pulled Dean's boxers over his erection, holding them in place with his left hand. There was already some of that clear liquid pooling at the top and smudging into the hairs around it. Dean moaned as Cas slowly wrapped his right hand around Dean, his length was damp with sweat.

"Aw g-jeez-" Dean tried not to name any of Cas' family.

Cas just smirked before he leaned down and took Dean in his mouth. Dean gasped and Cas looked up.

"Cas!" he called and then sunk his bottom teeth into the front of his top lip to muffle himself.

Cas stilled, afraid he had hurt him. Dean looked down and must have read it because he shook his head and closed his eyes again as Cas moved. The tip was warm and smooth. Smoother than anything Cas had ever encountered. The liquid had a taste he couldn't quite describe, not while he was so distracted. Despite what others might think, Cas did know the ways of the flesh, he just chose not to partake.

Until now.

Dean's left hand came up to feel for Cas' head and when it came into contact Cas looked back up as his head steadily began to bob and his tongue swept this way and that. Dean was softly writhing in the bed, not too much, but enough that anyone practiced could tell you he was trying not to thrust up into Cas' mouth. Cas' amazing mouth that was doing such gorgeous things right then. His right hand grabbed the sheet of the bed and held on for his life. Dean's eyes screwed tighter as he ran his fingers through Cas hair.

"Fu-" Dean managed. "Cas, sh-" Dean became more and more breathless as he felt heat begin to collect in his stomach, he felt it in his legs and torso - it pricked all over like little fires starting. Cas' left hand left his underwear and came up to stroke Dean's abdomen in answer to which Dean opened his eyes a little, looking down.

"No, don't stop," Dean answered the implied question. Cas hummed and let his hand trail back down. "Fuck, don't stop," Dean exhaled and then moaned.

Cas sucked harder, swallowing around Dean ever-leaking dick. Dean's right hand came up and took a hold of Cas' left he trailed it up and stopped it on his hip before pressing on it to stay here.

"Hold my hip down, Cas," Dean told him and Cas hesitated. "Stop me thrusting."

Cas pushed gently on his hip, pushing him into the bed, which meant Dean could stop concentrating on it and he let out a long moan, he was on a precipice and he couldn't get any further.

"Can you-" Dean said but then moaned again. "Can you go faster?"

Cas hummed and started to bob quicker, sucking harder for good measure. Dean let out a load moan and tried to bite his lip as he tipped over the line.

"Yeah, like that," Dean encouraged and Cas felt Dean's fingers tighten in his hair. "Fuck!" Cas looked down to what he was doing and saw Dean's ankles pressing into the mattress. Cas sucked Dean's tip and licked over his slit, the taste flashing stronger before he took as much of Dean as he could in. "Cas, I'm gonna-" Dean moaned and Cas rubbed his thumb on Dean's hips. "You don't have to-  _fuck!_ " Dean cut himself off without meaning to and Cas sucked harder just to make sure he knew he could cum in his mouth.

He could feel it pulsing in his mouth, the heat and sweat pooling together in front Cas' face. Cas had to push harder on Dean's hip as he began to thrust harder, his breathless moans filling the room, and Cas felt the taste turn as he wrapped his tongue around Dean's length and pressed before swallowing around it.

" _Cas!_ " Dean shouted out, his hips jutting up a little and stilling, his word trailed out to a whisper as he came.

Cas felt it rush out into his mouth and he tried to remember what he knew. Swallow or not. He could decide. Remembering that not would require a trip to the bathroom and he could be caught Cas swallowed, Dean moaned out again as the muscles of Cas' mouth rippled around his cock once more. The taste of salt slowly gathered in his mouth again before it, and Dean's moaning, slowly stopped. It wasn't as full as before and Cas swallowed but in the back of his throat that time. Dean's fingers loosened in his hair and he pulled off of his cock. Dean's left hand fell lazily to the bed and he looked up as Cas lifted his head. He whimpered a little, not pathetically but in his post orgasmic state.

Cas pointed to his mouth and Dean nodded. Cas crawled off the bed, unlocked the door and made for the bathroom. He got in and closed the door letting his mouth fall open, empty. He was a little breathless. What was he doing?

"I'm sorry," Cas looked up to the ceiling as he whispered, "Father. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't." He shook his head. "I know I asked for time to earn my friendship back but..." He bit his lip. "I just can't help myself." He looked to the sink. "Or maybe I don't want to." He sighed. "I'm sorry." He walked to the sink, filled his cupped hands with cold water and splashed his face. He toweled it dry and then opened the bathroom door. He looked back along to where he had left Dean and the walked away towards the main room.

Sam looked up. "Everything alright?" He smiled.

Cas nodded. "Yes, think he needed to calm down."

Sam nodded. "He needs to take some time, release some tension," he looked back to his book, "have some damn fun."

Cas smiled weakly. "Tell me about it." He picked up his book and sat back down.

About five minutes later Cas looked up when Dean walked into the room, a questioning look to Cas who looked back to his book.

Sam looked up. "Hey, so what do we do about these machines and Kevin?"

Dean inhaled understanding but not at the same time. "Charlie." He turned away again, looking to the book on the floor. "Call Charlie."


	21. Chapter 21

Sam ran his fingers along the books. It was just him and Cas in the main room and he was waiting. Waiting for him to go.

"I think I'm going to check on Dean," Cas muttered.

Sam nodded and didn't look away from the books. When Cas rounded the corridor he stuck his head out to see him knock on Dean's door and go in after Dean spoke. He turned back, quietly walked towards the kitchen and went to the cupboard where they kept - Dean shoved - all of the stuff that only Sam used. Salad stuff, the kind that never touched a burger. He bared his teeth when he stretched far enough and felt his fingers curl around the neck. He pulled out one of the bottles of scotch and smiled before standing and quietly walking, cautiously, to the dungeon.

Cas knocked Dean's door and there was a pause before Dean groaned a reply.

Cas walked in and closed the door behind him without taking his eyes from Dean. Dean opened his eyes and, even in the dark, looked at Cas.

"What?" he croaked.

"Are you okay?"

Dean took a beat. "Am I okay?"

"Yes." Cas nodded.

Dean leaned up on his left elbow, moving his right arm over his body a little. "Are you for real?"

Cas looked to the side. "I always ask you if you are okay after you've slept. Usually your nightmares cause you some-"

"I don't have nightmares, Cas!" Dean shouted.

"I realize they are quite distressing to discuss but-"

"No Cas, I don't have nightmares, I have dreams. Happy little dreams where I cut and am cut. I'm messed up, we've already established that but you are just the biscuit, ain't ya?"

Cas paused. "I don't know what that means."

"Oh," Dean looked to the side, "that's your thing, isn't it? That's your defense. You act like you don't know shit but you do!" Dean hauled himself to sitting on the edge as Cas took a step forward still confused. "Doesn't know about hookers, but knows how to jack off in the shower!" Dean gestured to the door and Cas shifted, looking to the wall in front of him embarrassed and uncomfortable. "Doesn't know what cuming means but knows how to rock a guy's world with a blow job!" Cas' eyes looked back to Dean, tears brimming in them. "Doesn't know why this might be uncomfortable for me but still knows how to make me feel like nothing!"

"Nothing?" Cas repeated and Dean looked up. "You think you mean nothing, to me? What we did was  _nothing_? Dean," he looked to the ceiling searching for the words, "it was-"

"Fun, I know," Dean finished and ran his hands through his hair.

"You didn't enjoy it?" Cas asked. Dean never answered. "I'm sorry, I was not aware."

"You never are," Dean whispered.

"I apologize, Dean." Cas leaned down a little to look at Dean better. "I had no idea." He turned and walked towards the door, opening it and pausing. Dean looked up. "I had no intention of forcing any of my attentions of you." He left.

 _Force? No. Shit!_   he thought.

Dean pushed off the bed and followed him.

Sam had walked down to the dungeon and closed the doors behind him. He walked to the doors and opened them. "Room service." He gestured to the bottle and two plastic cups he had. "Extras included."

"Knew you had a brain in that tin shell somewhere, Moose."

Sam raised his eyebrows and put the bottle down before leaning to undo Crowley's neck shackle and his chain. Then he did something that made Crowley pause. He turned his back on Crowley to pull the shelves over. As he turned back Crowley resumed standing and began walking back and forth in the circle. He tried to shake the action. He had undone the chains  _before_  turning his back on him. Crowley could have at least attempted to overpower him or put the bottle over his head.

"I'll pour, shall I?" He swiped the bottle from the table and opened it as he walked. "So, how's Willow and Tara?" He gestured to the door.

Sam paused. "Those two were girls."

"So are those two," Crowley rasped as he walked back to the table and poured into two plastic throw away cups.

Sam scoffed. "I don't know what's going on with the girls." Crowley smirked. Sam took his drink and leaned on the table, mulling his scotch over.

"But...?" Crowley watched as Sam looked up at him. "Something happened, what?"

Sam paused. "Nothing." He sighed. "I don't know." He sighed again. "I don't- Look, I saw Dean and Cas coming out of Cas' room. Nothing but boxers."

"So how is that not-?"

"Well, they just smiled at each other and walked away."

"Any," Crowley paced again, sipped at his drink in between sentences, "longing glances over their shoulders with trembling lips?"

"Minus the trembling lips," Sam admitted.

Crowley sighed. "They're idiots. Why don't they just tell the truth, it would be a lot quicker?"

Sam smiled at him, looked over his left shoulder as Crowley paced that way. "I thought you said it was disgusting."

Crowley paused. "It is." He walked back and Sam's head followed him. "But if they want it why don't they just say?" Crowley paused standing next to Sam. "You see something," he looked down Sam's body, "you want it," he brought his lips close to his drink, still looking at Sam and it almost made him squirm as his voice lowered to a rough whisper, "you take it. It's common sense." He knocked his drink back and then watched as Sam stood up and walked to the wall in front of him. Away from Crowley. Crowley paused looking ahead before turning on the spot to look at Sam. "Isn't it?"

"Not really." Sam tightened his jaw. "People aren't possessions."

"Don't be so naive. Of course they are." He smirked.

Dean hurried out of his room and tried to catch up to Cas as he rounded into the main room, Dean pulled at his arm trying to stop him with whispered pleas but Cas sighed when he realized Sam wasn't there to save him from the conversation.

"Cas, will you just look at me?" Dean spun him around. "Course I enjoyed it, Cas. Jeez, wasn't I loud enough?" Cas turned to walk away again and Dean followed him. Cas did  _not_  want to have this discussion, so he walked in the direction of the kitchen. Where else could Sam be? "Cas, please talk to me."

Dean didn't exactly struggle to keep up but there was something in his movements that made him lag behind a bit, as if his entire body was shaking.

"Fine, you don't want to talk to me then listen. It  _was_  fun, Cas, it was. But-" He sighed, frustrated. "I don't know, didn't it feel like more than fun to you?"

Cas' eyes darted to his left as he walked but he still didn't speak.

"Because it did to me and I know I'm probably sounding like an idiot right now. I mean, the world is folding in around us and there's just us three trying to hold it up and everything is so messed up but you are the only person who," Cas stopped in the kitchen and looked around, Sam not there either, "understands, you know?" Dean stopped a couple of steps into the kitchen and looked at Cas. "You're always there for me and for Sam, and I mean, I care about you Cas-"

Cas pushed passed Dean and walked back the way he came, if there was one place in the entire base Dean wouldn't talk it was in the dungeon since Crowley was there.

"-you might not believe it but I do and I know that you know I have feelings for you because I heard you pray so I know you know and I know what you did and I know what you said about wanting time. Maybe you don't believe that I'm serious or that I actually have a heart," he followed Cas towards the dungeon and pulled him round just outside it, "just give me a chance, Cas." Cas looked at him. "Give me a chance to prove it's more than fun." He whispered, "Tell me it was just fun to you and I'll leave you alone."

Cas looked over his face, the hope in his eyes and then preparation for hurt was something that Cas just wanted to kiss away. He wanted to step towards him and run his hands up through Dean's hair before whispering in his ear that it was more than fun, of course it was. But instead Cas held back any remaining emotion from almost crying earlier and exhaled. "It was more than fun, Dean," he  admitted and walked down the steps to the dungeon. "But with everything going on," Cas lowered his voice, "and I know you."

Sam and Crowley looked to the shelves at the approaching voices, then Sam looked down at his shadow on the floor, a space between his and Crowley's as it stretched to where the shelves parted. Anyone coming into the room and glancing around, perhaps wondering why the lights were on, would be able to see the shadows. Sam took the steps forward until he was right in Crowley's space, pressing his body right up against the demon's.

"Wha-" Crowley started, making Dean turn his head, his cup falling to the ground and Sam put his free right hand over Crowley's mouth briefly and gestured to the shadow. Crowley looked, Sam moving his hand, then realized and looked back to Sam.

He mouthed, 'They don't know you're here?' Sam shook his head. 'Why?' Sam didn't answer.

"Crowley?" Dean asked. "Who you talking to?"

Sam shook his head, eyes widening a little in panic. He was breathless and his hand stayed in between them.

"You, you idiot." Crowley was looking at Sam, his breathing calming a little from his shock, but his voice was as if he were sitting rolling his eyes at the ceiling. "Wondered what you two were up to."

"Nothing, just looking for a file. Shut up."

Sam shook his head as Crowley seemed to be going to do just that. Crowley wouldn't shut up, not normally, not right away. "Little sensitive, are we? Maybe you should get laid, release some tension." Sam rolled his eyes.

"Shut up!" Dean snarled over his shoulder. Cas made to speak so he stepped forward, putting his hand lightly over Cas' mouth and walking him to the wall behind them, in the corner of the archives. He brought his mouth to Cas' ear and whispered, "I said listen." He nosed at Cas' jawline and he tried not to close his eyes to it. "You think I'm out for myself in this, what I can get?" He looked to Cas who shook his head. "D'you think that I'm not serious, that I'll just use you?" Cas shakily nodded, looking at Dean with apologetic eyes. "I'll prove I'm not." He stood right in Cas' space and cupped his ass, pushing slightly against him. "Will you let me?" Dean asked for consent, knowing that Cas had a tendency to do whatever Dean suggested without much fight. He wanted Cas to want it.

Cas paused and then nodded.

Sam and Crowley were standing there, wondering what the hell was going on. Had they left, had they not? They heard something, but it was too quiet to tell what. Crowley shook his head a little in question and Sam shrugged his shoulders. When Crowley looked between them Sam looked down, they were pressed right up against each other and Sam give Crowley a bitch face that said 'don't start'.

'What keeps you warm at night?' Crowley mouthed and Sam narrowed his eyes.

Dean let his hand move from Cas' mouth and then put his index finger over it and 'shh'ed without actually speaking and pointed to where Crowley was sitting, bored as hell and listening. Or so Dean thought.

Dean moved his right hand down to Cas' trousers and rubbed, Cas' breathing became more audible suddenly and he looked panicked. Dean stopped pressing but didn't move his hand, bowed his head, keeping his eyes on Cas. Cas saw the question and nodded his consent. Dean dragged his hand up to Cas' button and undone it before sliding the zipper down as slow as he could.

The noise still vibrated in the still room and Sam whipped his head in its direction. He closed his eyes. He knew right away what was happening, even Crowley did. He smirked at Sam who pleaded him with his eyes. When Crowley just smiled Sam tensed his face, practically screaming that Crowley would say something any other time.

Crowley sighed and moved his hands up to Sam's chest, touching his shirt with his index fingers enough so that it tickled Sam's skin but no more. "What are you two doing?" Crowley spoke loud enough for Dean and Cas to hear him. "If you're going to shag at least do it upstairs."

Sam pushed Crowley's hand away, making a little rustle of his fabric and Crowley put his two index fingers to his own mouth.

"I said, shut up," Dean aimed away from him then looked back to Cas' face as he dipped his hand inside, his left hand went up to Cas' hair and ran through it gently.

Cas tried to muffle a moan as Dean finally touched his length. They had had some 'experiences' now but this was the first time Dean had done that. And he wasn't prepared. Dean didn't still though and instead just silently hushed him.

Crowley grinned at Sam and mouthed, 'I thought I was the one who was all mouth and no trousers?' Sam looked to the wall and then the floor, Crowley dipped his head to watch him. When Sam looked back it was obvious he had decided that the move was too risky.

Dean dragged his fingernails a little through Cas' hair and watched him bite his bottom lip. He reached out blindly for Dean's crotch and Dean moved it back.

"Uh-uh," he said, leaning into Cas' jawline and beginning to kiss. "This is about you," he whispered in Cas' ear before kissing again.

Slowly he pulled Cas' swollen member from his trousers and underwear which gave him more room to work with. He curled his fingers around him again and felt the muscles in Cas' neck stutter as Dean began to stroke. He reached out and grabbed Dean's shirt with his left hand as if to anchor himself when the fingers on his right hand dug further into Dean's hips. Dean trailed his nose back up to Cas' ear.

"That feel good?" he asked.

Cas sunk his top teeth further into his bottom lip and bit hard, pulling it inward to make sure his lips stayed closed then he nodded. Dean smiled wider, tightening his hand ever so slightly causing a small moan to come from Cas before he bit down as hard as was possible on his lip. Dean's own erection was straining against his jeans and it was all he could do not to rub it on Cas' thigh even just for a moment of relief.

 _Why was this so hot? Seeing Cas lose it at his touch? Seeing Cas let himself lose himself to Dean? Hearing how much Cas was trying not to make a sound?_  Dean asked himself.  _God_ , _those sound_ s, he remembered them well, damn did Dean remember them well. _Well, it definitely wasn't that Crowley could probably hear them. The bastard was keeping quiet, probably enjoying it. The creep._

"I'm gonna make you cum," Dean whispered and Cas nodded as if that's the only thing he wanted in the world right then, "and after," Dean kissed his cheek steadily picking up his pace, "I want nothing from you." Cas turned his head, opening his eyes, Dean pulled back to look at them.

_Fuck._

Dean almost lost his rhythm because dammit they were blown wide and Dean suddenly found himself lost in them. Dean leaned and kissed him, Cas responding enough that moans escaped his lips into Dean's mouth and out the sides. Dean's hot, wet mouth that was almost coaxing the sounds out by its own work alone. As if the very contact of Dean's lips was making it so that Cas could breathe again.

And stopping the breath of two others. Sam was trying to look away but when Cas moaned a little louder Sam winced. Crowley chuckled a little and the pair outside the dungeon ignored it or just didn't hear it. Sam looked to him.

'Turning you on?' Crowley mouthed.

'What?! No!' Sam mouthed back and looked away taking an inhale. Crowley's eyes moved to the side of Sam's face he could see and then he looked down. Sam was definitely turned on, or at least Crowley hoped so because if that was it soft... He cocked an eyebrow. 

 _Should have got a better deal,_  he thought.

He reached out both of his hands since they were still together in handcuffs and rubbed Sam's erection. Sam immediately reached and grabbed Crowley's offending hand with his left and the middle link of the handcuffs with the other. They just stared at each other with Cas moaning gently, obviously trying not to, and popping saliva the theme-tune to this  _what-the-hell_  moment.

Dean felt Cas tense up, he moved back to look at Cas' face, his eyes dancing yet again looking over the evidence of what he could do. Angel of the Lord. Celestial being. Hunter. God, at one point. But human now and about to cum in Dean's hand.

"Go on," Dean spoke, a little louder than before, he didn't care if Crowley heard. He would have heard Dean's hand beating faster and fabric rustling if he hadn't heard the rest, he didn't know how much longer he could go on, his wrist beginning to hurt with the speed he was going at, faster and faster, squeezing a little. 

 _I_ _t must be the situation, no one lasts this long without having cleaning the pipes first. Has Cas jerked off since?_  Dean grunted thinking about it.

"Cum," Dean urged Cas and his own cock leaked pre-cum making him almost whimper.

Sam and Crowley's eyes widened at each other, Sam's erection deflating almost instantly at the sound of his brother talking.

"Dean," Cas moaned. "I can't-" He bit his lip and his eyes closed.

Dean decided that he found that rude.

"Ignore him." Dean moaned himself and wondered where the hell his composure had gone.

At hearing it Sam let go of Crowley's hands and covered his own ears and Crowley threw his head back as if he was going to laugh until Sam elbowed him, still covering his ears.

Dean moved his face close to Cas', kissed the right side of his lips chastely and Cas failed to chase it as his body started to shake. "Cum for me, Cas," he muttered. Cas' hand moved up Dean's back and grabbed in his shirt as the other one did the same to the open front. Dean touched his nosed just at the side of Cas' face, his own voice breathless, "Trust me."

Cas' brow dipped just a bit as if that was the secret password and his back arched faintly and then he thrust a few times into Dean's fist, as he started to cum Dean slowed his movements without stopping the pleasure, tightening his fist to compensate, to make it so the white mess came out slow enough that it spilled down the side of his cock and Dean's hand rather than spurting everywhere.

" _Dean!_ " Cas moaned and Dean bared his teeth a little as his tongue came out to wet his dry bottom lip. He hadn't realized just how heavy he had been breathing. Cas stopped thrusting slowly and Dean's movements halted once he was sure Cas was finished.

Crowley put a cut motion to his neck, Sam gave him a distrusting look and he rolled his eyes.

Dean pulled his left hand out of Cas' hair that he didn't even know he had been pulling on and used it to hold Cas' boxers away from his skin before wiping his hand on it. He then let it go slowly knowing it was a horrible feeling when the mess touched the fabric and spread out in the hair.

"You alright?" Dean asked quietly, Sam's hands lowered hesitantly.

"No, I'm bloody not!" Crowley shouted knowing he'd usually say something, he looked to Sam and they actually shared a smile.

"I told you to shut up!" Dean shot over his shoulder then turned back to Cas who was getting his breath back and trying to pry his hands away from Dean's shirt. "You should probably shower." Cas nodded and made to walk but Dean leaned forward and kissed him first. Cas responded weakly to it, letting the tip of the fingers on his left hand touch Dean's jaw before Dean pulled back and smiled.

Cas smiled too and then proceeded to walk, a little like new-born Bambi at first, towards the stairs.

"Can  _I_  shower?" Crowley said loudly and Sam widened his eyes and nodded in agreement, he felt dirty too.

"Do you know what?" Dean stormed towards the shelves.

Sam grabbed the things on the table and Crowley bent to pick up the cup that fell before shoving it at Sam, Dean was making so much noise pulling the shelf he didn't notice the scrape as Crowley ran around the table and sat down, pulling the neck brace over and clicking it closed.

Sam ducked back to the corner on the wall Dean was now entering from, holding the cups and scotch hoping against all hope he wouldn't be caught. One, he was in there and pretending he wasn't, and two, he had just listened to... whatever the hell that was.

Crowley looked up to Dean with almost casual interest laced with disgust.

"I told you to shut up!" Dean stepped forward, his hand still felt wet and he was still very much aroused but dammit if he didn't need to shout at him. He discretely wiped his hand on the back of his pants.

"You just tossed off a former angel in the same room while I had no choice but to listen, I feel violated!" he shouted back, in the way that Crowley does without really shouting, just showing his annoyance.

"Prove it." Dean took another step inside the room and Sam suddenly wished he were smaller. Tiny. Non-existent, in fact.

"I think your angel might be freaking out," Crowley offered, in a little panic, over Dean's shoulder.

"What, why would he panic?" Dean squinted to look at Crowley confused.

"Because a former Angel of the Lord was just tossed off by a human. Those idiots make the virgin Mary look like a slut. Might be a little bit of an experience for him."

Dean smirked. "Yeah, because we haven't done anything before." He winked and turned around before turning back to Crowley with his hands on the shelf. "Well, hope that was something to get you through the lonely nights, Fergie." Crowley's jaw tightened. "I know it'll keep me warm." He pushed the shelf back over but neither moved until the lights went out.

Dean stood by the switch. Cas hadn't turned them on, had he? He couldn't remember him flicking them. But he must have. Or Sam left them on the last time he was down there. That must be it. He shook his head and kept climbing.


	22. Chapter 22

When the lights went out Sam sighed relieved and let himself relax off of the wall before putting the things down on the table. He then leaned and opening Crowley's neck brace, he quickly took a few steps back as if overcompensating for the closeness they had earlier.

The boys' eyes were slowly adjusting to the darkness but both were still on their guard. However, Crowley stood, walked forward and turned his back to the Winchester before pouring the liquid into the glasses, as if showing him some of the trust Sam had shown him when he'd first walked in.

"What are you doing?" Sam whispered in the darkness, unsure of why he was whispering.

"I don't know about you," Crowley whispered back putting the bottle down. He turned offering Sam one of the cups and shook it in the air to attract Sam's eyes to it in the dark, "but I like a post-sex drink."

Sam took the drink with exaggerated distaste. He could do with a drink right now, hell the whole bottle wouldn't wash away the memory. "You didn't have sex."

"I feel like I did." He picked up his own plastic glass and turned back. "Don't you?"

Sam scrunched his nose. " _I_  feel violated." He downed it.

Crowley laughed a little. "Were you under the impression that your brother was a virgin?"

Sam scoffed. "No, I'm not that disillusioned. Just..." He paused as if he was trying to close his throat to vomit. "Never wanted to hear that." He put his cup out and Crowley turned, putting his cup down on table before pouring for Sam. Sam then put his hand out and took the bottle. Crowley turned back to the table to pick up his glass. "What was that?"

Crowley paused, looking up a little, before turning with a innocent smile that Sam could only just see. As innocent as the King of Hell could be. "I think it's called a hand job."

Sam closed his eyes. "No." He shook his head and took a drink, Crowley smirking a little, holding his empty cup. "No," Sam opened his eyes then poured some into Crowley's cup, "I meant what you did."

"Well, I would say the same answer but I never got started."

Sam narrowed his eyes at the demon as he lifted the glass to his lips. "If we're playing a game, can you at least telling me the name of it so I can figure out some rules?"

Crowley tried not to react but he almost cackled. "What makes you think we're playing a game? You were excited, I thought I'd help."

"I was not-" Sam paused, trying to calm himself. "That was my brother!"

Crowley scrunched his nose and looked to the side. "Who am I to judge?" Sam rolled his eyes as he swirled liquid around in his mouth. "Besides, your brother wasn't the one doing the moaning and-"

"Don't need reminded, thanks." Sam sighed. "I was there."

Crowley swallowed the rest of his drink and held it out for Sam, when he went to pour Crowley moved it away with Sam only just stilling the bottle in time. "No, you should go," his tone was not playful, it wasn't angry, it wasn't even business-like. Sam blinked a few times. It seemed sad. "Cas came here to get away from Dean and whatever they were arguing about, he wouldn't have done that if you were there. They're going to wonder where you are."

Sam hesitantly took the glass and watched Crowley crack his neck before rounding the table. Sam followed him to the table and put the lid on the bottle. He sat down and sighed heavily. Sam watched him with curious eyes as he clicked the neck brace in place and then looked down when Crowley put his hands out. He looked up to the demon before moving forward to click them in place on the chain.

"Thanks," Sam muttered.

"What for?" Crowley rasped. "Feeling you up?"

Sam scoffed. "No. You could have ratted me out to Dean. Would have been a hell of a situation to explain."

"What use is that to me?" Crowley looked away. "I like scotch." Sam nodded and picked the things up before heading for the shelves. He pushed it outwards and turned as he went to turn it over. "See you next time, Moose." Sam nodded and then closed it over using his hips as much as he could for fear of dropping the bottle. He went to that familiar box marked 'Architecture of the 1930s' and placed the things inside. For next time.

>><<

Cas climbed out the shower and exhaled shakily. He wrapped a towel around his waist and exited the bathroom. Sam was walking along the corridor with a mildly concerned look on his face.

"Sam?" Sam stopped immediately, a few feet away, and looked up at Cas. "Are you okay?" Sam just nodded, his expression mixing with some kind of nausea or embarrassment and Cas wondered why for a second. "Where were you?"

"What?" Sam asked immediately.

Cas rubbed a towel into the back of his hair and took a step towards Sam. "I was looking for you earlier and I couldn't find you." Cas shrugged.

"Around." Sam shrugged back and smiled disingenuously. "Must have been, where else would I go?" He then walked passed Cas and the former-angel turned to look briefly.

Cas then turned as he heard music. It was one he had not heard before, he was sure, but if he had he didn't know the name of it or the band. He followed it to Dean's door and knocked quietly. When it went unheard he inhaled anxiously and knocked louder.

"Yeah," Dean said and Cas heard the music lower in volume. Cas opened the door and looked around the door when he found the bed empty. Dean was standing with his hands in the top drawer of his dresser. "Cas, what's up?" Dean said it so casually as he looked back into the drawer and fussed.

"I uh, I thought we should talk." Cas closed the door behind him.

"About?" Dean urged and picked up a notebook of some kind, turned it over to look at the back and then replaced it in the drawer.

"About..." Cas repeated and walked towards Dean. "Well." He looked up to the ceiling and Dean turned to look. "Heaven is closed, all of my brothers and sisters are stranded on Earth, there's that." Dean stopped moving about in the drawer and just looked to Cas. "God is still missing, can't forget that." Cas leaned his right elbow on the dresser to the side of the open drawer and took the towel in his left hand. "Hell is open, we even have the King of Hell in your dungeon. That seems like it could be worth discussing." He nodded to himself. "Oh yeah," he looked right at Dean, "and you just pinned me against a wall and pleasured me then walked away as if it was nothing."

"Okay." Dean closed the drawer and turned to Cas. "First of all, we are working on the grand reopening of upstairs. Second, Sam is working on Crowley. Third, don't say I  _pinned_  you against a wall because it sounds rapey and I was not forcing you to stay there." He put his hand out to Cas. "I asked for your consent and all you had to do was push me off or say stop and I would have. Did you want me to stop?" Cas paused and then slowly shook his head. "Okay and I didn't walk away, you went to have a shower and I shouted at Crowley for not knowing when to shut his cakehole." Dean turned his body back towards the drawer but only got his head halfway before he turned back. "And pleasured sounds weird. No one talks like that."

"Dean," Cas cocked his head to the right, "I don't understand what just happened. You have to help me." Dean looked to him again. "Please."

"Cas, what happened was you seem to think I'll use you." Dean looked back to the top of the drawer, exhaling a little harshly. "I did the only thing I could think of try to prove to you otherwise. That's all."

"Dean," Cas took a step forward, putting the towel over his left shoulder and reaching for Dean, "come here."

Dean took a step back. "No." Cas paused. "I told you, I don't want anything from you."

"But Dean-" Cas took another step forward with a 'dont' be silly' smile.

"No." Dean stood where he was, put his right hand out to push Cas away and turned his head when Cas made to kiss him. "I've told you no." He looked back to Cas when he leaned back. "You didn't force yourself on me before I hope you haven't decided to start."

Cas' brow dipped and then he took a step backwards. "I would never do that," he whispered then he turned and walked out, confusion over his face.

Dean exhaled and let his hand fall before opening the drawer and searching in it again.

Cas went into his room and closed the door. He then stopped with his right hand still on the door and screwed up his face in further confusion.

>><<

Sam was lying on his bed that night staring at the ceiling. He turned to his right and settled on his pillow.

_He took the knife in his right hand and used his left to hold Crowley's neck exposed. He pressed the blade in and dragged it down a few inches while Crowley bared his teeth a little. "You're being gentle, are you going soft on me?"_

_Sam let out a little chuckle. "You wish."_

_He licked his lips and turned the knife over in his hand before lowering his head and tasting the blood. A almost silent moan escaped his lips and he sucked harder. He could feel it coursing through his system, he felt himself fill up and swell. He could almost feel where it entered his blood stream and mixed with his own. His clean and lifeless blood. His weak blood. This was the purpose thrust upon him at an early age, this is what Sam was made for. Azazel was Rumpelstiltskin and Sam was what he was owed. This was decided for him long ago._

_"Come on," Crowley breathed and Sam took one last suck before pulling back to look at him. "No wonder you're single. Are you this greedy in the sack?"_

_Sam laughed out air and rol_ _led up his sleeve on his left arm and put the knife to it before cutting in. "Wouldn't you like to know." He winced a little as he drew blood and Crowley looked at it. He moved it forward and then pulled it back, Crowley looked up to him and he smirked. "Is this what you want?"_

_Crowley smirked back. "Always with the foreplay."_

Sam swallowed lying there, remembering his dream. And then he remembered a hand on his thigh before he whipped it away and he remember a hand push over his erection. His eyes closed. What was he getting into?

>><<

_"So what, were you under the illusion that Hell was one big orgy?" Alistair and Dean sat in a bar, a beer in front of each of them but only Dean was paying any attention to his drink. Dean was facing the bar whereas Alistair's legs were facing the rest of the place with his right elbow leaned back on the actual bar and slightly towards Dean._

_"I don't know what I thought," Dean whispered. "I knew it wasn't gonna be plain sailing but-"_

_He cut himself off and Alistair looked at him. "But, what?"_

_"I didn't realize just what it entailed, I suppose. What would happen to-to me."_

_Alistair sighed. "Par for the course, Dean."_

_Dean turned, his jaw tight and his eyes near black with anger. "That's how you justify it?!" he spat. "What you did to me?"_

_"I'm not justifying anything, Dean. This is Hell, I don't need to."_ _Dean took a drink of his beer and looked at the bar top. "I have a job to do." Dean looked back. "I did what I have to do to get it done."_

_"Don't you feel anything?!" Dean slammed his beer down. "Anything for what you did to me, to anyone?"_

_Alistair looked around at the bar. A few people looked but quickly went back to what they were doing. "Feel?" He leaned to Dean. "Have you forgotten where you are, what I am?" He smiled at Dean. "Don't ask stupid questions."_

_"I won't," Dean rasped. "I won't become what you are."_

_"Dean, I'm your boss and I'm telling you to-"_

_"No." Dean shook his head. "put me back on the rack, I don't care. I won't do it." He kept shaking his head. "Not in a million years," he took another drink, "you can do whatever you want to me, you've done it all before. I won't let you make me into that."_

_Alistair looked over him and then exhaled. "Alright." Dean looked at Alistair looking out at the rest of the bar. "I don't want to put you back on the rack, Dean." He hesitated and then leaned into Dean. "I am a demon, I do my job. I want you to do yours but I've been at this a lot longer so, if this is your limit then I'll accept it."_

_"Really?" Dean looked over Alistair's face with suspicion._

_Alistair nodded. "Yes. This one limit."_

_Dean nodded. "I won't ever do..." He swallowed. "That." He shook his head. "To anyone. Man, woman, adult..." He swallowed again as if trying not to be sick. "Child," he whispered. "Any age, any gender, any color, no matter what their reason for being here. I don't care, any person, animal, thing. Whatever. I will not... violate them."_

_Alistair looked over Dean's face. "I'm not going to trap you with a technicality." Dean's eyes narrowed. "I won't ask you to do that to anyone ever again, for as long as you are down here, however long that is, I will not ask you to do that."_

_Dean shook his head. "I don't care, down here, on Earth. On any plane, any time, any place. No contract, no stipulations or exceptions. No 'but you said'." Dean turned his head to Alistair. "Listen carefully. I will torture and cut and kill or whatever you want. But never, ever, will I do that. Ever." He shook his head. "I don't care what you say or do. Never." He turned back to the bar._

_"Fine." Alistair clicked his fingers and the whole bar and people in it disappeared. It was just the two of them standing empty-handed in a dark cell. "Is that settled then?"_

_Dean looked around. "I didn't even realize we were in a bar. Why would we be in a bar?" He scrunched up his face asking himself that question._

_"You were freaking out, it eased you," Alistair explained then put his hand around Dean's neck and squeezed, Dean's expression changed to fear and his hands came up to Alistair's. "Normally I do not stand for that kind of tone or defiance," Alistair's tone itself was hard and whispered, "not from anyone." Dean swallowed. "And you know that so I paid attention. This is your one condition. You don't get another, you're lucky you're getting this one. I will never ask you to do that as long as you do everything else I ask of you."_

_"I never want to be there either," Dean added. "If you do. I can't stop you but I will not be involved. Watching, standing inside the room, outside the room, any of it."_

_"But you'll let me-?"_

_"If I could stop you I would!" Dean shouted, as best he could. "I want no part of it. I don't want to know about it-"_

Dean was shook out of his dream buy a hand on the left side of his face. He grabbed it with both hands and twisted.

"Dean!" someone called out in pain.

Dean's eyes opened and he saw Cas' eyes screwed up.

He followed his arm down, with his eyes, to Dean's grip on him. Dean immediately let go and Cas' eyes opened as he exhaled and held his hand.

"Cas, I'm sorry." Dean pushed himself to sitting up and reached out for Cas' hand. Cas flinched from his a little and then relaxed. "I'm sorry." He gently took Cas' hand and turned it over to check it. He slowly tested the wrist's movement and then the fingers before checking the whole arm. "It seems okay."

"You were shouting," Cas said and took his arm back. "You kept shouting 'I won't' over and over again." Cas looked to the door. "Sam was here too but I said I would take care of you." He looked back to Dean. "Are you alright?"

Dean nodded. "I'm fine just remembering... stuff."

"Dean, I think we should talk about-"

"G'night, Cas." Dean turned as he lay back down and faced away from Cas.

Cas huffed and then stood up. Dean waited but then turned when he felt the bed dip behind him.

"If you think I'm leaving you after that," Cas whispered as he settled on the other side of the bed, "then you don't know how much you mean to me."

Cas turned to face the other way as Dean lifted up on his left elbow and turned his upper body in an attempt to look at Cas but ended up looking at the back of his head.


	23. Chapter 23

Crowley was still in the dungeon, where else would he be? He sat with the light on and stared at the tabletop. The light had been turned on about ten minutes after Sam left. He hadn't even heard footsteps or a noise at all, they had just flicked on and Crowley had kept quiet. He couldn't be sure who it was and he ignored the immediate ping in his head. It popped up like a excited puppy, panting and yapping for it's owner. No way was he allowing that to continue so he cocked a mental gun and shot the little rat. Crowley was not owned, he was the owner.

_People are not possessions._

They damn well were. As far as Crowley was concerned it wasn't just eat or be eaten, it was own or be owned, conquer or be conquered. It was not jump up, lick his damn face and then roll over and get your belly rubbed. However he needn't have worried because nothing happened. The light came on and then no one appeared. There he was, hell only knows how many hours later, sitting in his chair and still watching the proverbial front door from the doggy bed. He leaned forward and let his head fall into his hands before rubbing his face.

>><<

"How far did you get with Crowley?" Dean slapped Sam's shoulder as he walked quickly into the room and passed him before Sam even really registered that he was there.

"Wha-what do you mean?" Sam turned in his seat to Dean who walked over to a shelf and started hurriedly looking through the book spines, seemingly for something in particular.

Dean didn't turn around. "Just what I said. Have you gotten anything out of him yet?"

"No." Sam shook his head and turned back to the table.

"I guess you're not as scary as you thought you were." Dean chuckled to himself. "Maybe I should have a go."

"What?" Sam turned again. "I got it, Dean."

Dean looked around at the strain in Sam's voice. "I know you do I was just offering to change it up, Sam?"

"I said I got it." Sam sighed and then rolled his seat backwards until it's back was right up against the bookshelf next to Dean who paused his movements and looked to his brother. "What about you?" Sam's voice was lowered.

"What about me?" Dean asked and continued looking.

"You and Cas," Sam said and looked to the doorways making sure they weren't about to be busted.

Dean sighed. "Sam, I told you-"

"Yeah, you tell me a lot of things and when they're important to you half of those things tend to be utter crap." Sam raised his eyebrows challengingly at Dean. "So suck it up and tell me because I know something's happened." Sam left out the whole 'because I was there and happened to bear audio witness to the whole thing' bit.

Dean looked over Sam then sighed as he looked to the ceiling. "Fine." He leaned down and rested his elbows on his bent knees, putting all of his weight on the balls of his feet. He looked over his shoulder, putting his right hand out to the shelf in front of him to steady himself, checking the doorways, before he turned back to Sam and whispered. Sam ducked his head and leaned to his right to hear Dean better.

"I don't know what's going on, all I know is that stuff has..." he paused. "Happened." Sam nodded once, getting that Dean didn't want to go into detail and glad for it. He didn't need anymore detail than he already had. "But Cas- he..." he trailed off.

"What? Is he having second thoughts?"

"No, I am," Dean said.

"What?" Sam whispered a bit louder and Dean 'shh'ed him before looking back to the doorway. "Why?"

"Because, Sam," Dean looked back to the shelf, "ignoring the state of the world right now, which is hard to do but ignore all of that. Cas-" He bit his lip nervously. "He thinks I'd just use him."

"He said that?" Dean nodded. "What does he mean, use him how?"

Dean shrugged. "I don't know, I just- Maybe he's right." Dean sighed and looked at the shelf again.

"Have you two spoken about it?" Dean just looked at the shelf. "Dean, what is it with you two?" Dean looked up at Sam. "You two dance around each other and then avoid talking to each other. You brood for days until it spirals out of control. I'm sure it's bothering him too, he probably wants to talk about it as much as you do."

Dean exhaled. "He tried. Twice." Sam's eyes widened at Dean, not in surprise but in a glare that, combined with the exhale and tilting of his head before his jaw tightened a little, was Sam's bitchface #98 that translated to 'you're a fucking idiot and you know you are, go'. "Sam, you know I'm not good at talking." Dean stood back up and fanned his right finger tips over the books.

"Yeah I know, and look how bad things have gotten every time you don't talk. Every time _we_ don't talk one of us ends up knee-deep in crap." Dean looked to the floor with a sigh. "And the other one has to go through hell, sometimes literally, to claw it all back. And look at you and Cas, even before this when you two didn't talk the same happened." Dean turned his head to the right to look down at Sam. "Go, Dean. Before it's too late and you can't fix it."

Dean nodded once. "Yeah." He looked away. "Yeah, you're right." He sighed and looked back to Sam before pushing off the shelf and making his way through the corridors towards his room.

He needed a minute to prepare. He walked in and felt himself heat up with panic. 

_What'll I say? What can I say? He's already said it all. And after the way I spoke to him he probably won't want to-_

Dean was jolted from his thoughts as the door behind him closed. He turned his head to see Cas standing there.

"Okay Dean," Dean turned all the way around as Cas spoke, "I need to talk to you, I need to just explain everything and then I'll leave." Dean watched him. "I'm not going to- to force my attentions on you," Dean looked down briefly, "I promise." He spoke with his hands. "You just-" Cas started pacing the width of the room. "You don't understand- well of course you do to an extent, you understand how lonely this kind of life can feel and," Cas stopped while facing the far wall, and his back to Dean, seeming to talk to it rather than Dean, "I know how painful your life has been, I can see it. And I don't just mean when you're dreaming, I can see it in the way you protect your family and friends, I can see it in the blame you put on yourself; Kevin's disappearance, the fact we can't find Charlie, everything. But when you dream, those are the worst to see."

He inhaled and continued pacing, avoiding looking at Dean, choosing the floor and walls instead.

"My point is that I know how people can come close to each other without really meaning to, without really feeling it."

Dean's brow dipped.  _What was he trying to say?_  

"And that's what has been bothering me. I know that what has gone on between us wouldn't normally occur, out there." He gestured his left hand to the door as he passed it again. "We would never have come together in the way we have, even if we had ended up in each other's lives in some way." He sighed and looked down and Dean pieced it together. "I'm not making myself very clear."

"Oh, I hear ya," Dean croaked. "You're saying everything that's happened was a mistake," Cas' head turned, "that you regret it and ordinarily you could never feel anything for me." Cas turned completely, his forehead crinkled, as Dean shrugged. "I get ya, loud and clear." He put his hands up as if Cas had a gun pointed at him. "Message received, I won't come near you."

"Dean-" Cas let out a dismissive laugh and Dean looked back to Cas' face. "That's not what I was saying at all. I was saying that I understand that, to use your words, ordinarily you would never feel anything for me." Dean's brow twitched as his head moved from left to right but his eyes stayed on Cas. "When I said I thought you would use me I didn't explain myself fully, what I meant was that since you could never really feel anything for me the end result would be you walking away and leaving me-" he hesitated. "Leaving me hurt and alone."

Dean looked to his right side, rolling his jaw ever so slightly. "What did you mean last night?"

"Last night?" Cas said and then realized. "Oh, I meant that if you think that my friendship and love for you," Dean's eyes moved back to his, "were somehow dependant on whatever it is that has been developing between us then you are wrong. You said we were like family, if you and I go our separate ways now, in terms of what's been occurring...?" Dean nodded slightly in response to the rise in Cas' eyebrows. "... Then I will still be there for you, as your friend and a member of your family." He swallowed. "This is not an upgrade. You still remain..." He shaking inhaled, "the single most important person to me in the world." Dean's whole head moved to look at Cas, his mouth opening gently. "Regardless."

Dean stood there looking at Cas for a few seconds. Cas watched him breathing in and out.

"I'll leave you alone," Cas said then turned away from Dean, stretching his right hand out to the door handle and Dean extended his left out to gently take Cas' left forearm. Cas stopped and looked at Dean.

"Cas," Dean whispered, "you said 'dream'."

Cas nodded hesitantly. "You told me you don't have nightmares, you dream."

"And that doesn't strike you as somethin' to be worried about?"

Cas inhaled and nodded. "Of course it does. All of that pain and suffering you endured-"

"I caused some too." Dean lifted his tongue as he opened his mouth and pressed it into the roof of his mouth as he got a little emotional.

"And I'm certain that  _that_ caused you even more pain."

Dean took a shaky inhale. "Cas-" Dean's voice suddenly became strained and almost a whisper as tears formed in his eyes and he shook his head, "I did some things..."

Cas took a step towards Dean, lifting his hands, his left to Dean's upper arm and his right to Dean's neck. "I know." Dean's eyes closed as Cas pulled him in a little with his neck, just so they were closer. "If anyone knows,  _I_  do." Dean nodded in response to the whispered words, the tears falling from his eyes. "You  _dream_  because it was a time you felt control and had nothing to lose which just gave you more control. You had no one to watch out for, no weaknesses." Dean let out a noise from his throat and out his nose, it wasn't quite a sob but it was at the same time. "You shouldn't feel ashamed for feeling strong."

"How is it-?" Dean dipped his head a little and swallowed. "How is it that you manage to turn that around to be something less evil than it is? How can you make  _me_  sound less evil?" he whispered and sniffed.

"Look at me," Dean heard the strain in Cas' voice. "Dean, look at me." Dean slowly opened his eyes, the blur making him blink in his attempt to see the man before him. When he had blinked a few times and a couple more tears had fell Dean saw Cas, teary-eyed and sad. "If you could see what I see when you're asleep you'd never doubt just how much of a good man you are."

Dean did sob that time and his left hand came up to hold Cas' elbow which prompted Cas to lift his other arm to Dean's neck, Dean holding that elbow too. He stroked up the underside of both upper arms and back down as Cas spoke.

"You're covered in sweat, you mumble, you thrash about, you cry, you scream and your face-" Cas looked to the side, his own face contorting. "You're in so much pain, the whole time." He looked back to Dean. "You don't want to enjoy it, to dream. You might remember the control and the strength, and I know every day you get up and you put on a smile when you get dressed but when you're lying there," he gestured to Dean's bed with his head, "and you're remembering, reliving it," Dean nodded and sniffed again as his tears fell onto his shirt, "I see the you without the smile," Cas took a breath, "without the mask." Cas tipped his forehead to touch Dean's. "That you? He's hurting. And when men do what you have done," Cas moved his hands across Dean's shoulders, wrapping his arms around and pulled him into a hug, "only the good men hurt like that," he whispered in Dean's ear and Dean let out his crying, which was muffled into Cas' shoulder, as he wrapped his arms around Cas' middle. "It's okay," Cas whispered and they stood there for a long time as Dean hid his face in Cas' shirt and squeezed his arms around his friend's body.

He seemed almost afraid that he couldn't seem to get a proper hold of Cas, as if he would slip away unless Dean could hold him there. He felt Cas' left hand come up and run through his hair. "Shh," Cas said a few times. "I'm not going anywhere." Dean's hands stilled in their quest for some kind of anchor and he found it when Cas lowered his head towards Dean's ear, "I'm here as long as you need me." Dean let out a relieved exhale and held Cas back. "You're okay." Dean closed his eyes to the feeling of Cas' right hand rubbing his own right shoulder and back while Cas' left stroked through his hair.

After a few minutes Dean moved his head up, just a tiny bit, to angle his mouth towards Cas' ear. "Sleep?" he asked.

Cas nodded and they stood like that for a few moments before Cas moved back. They looked at each other as they parted at the bottom of the bed and rounded it on different sides, Dean reaching out briefly to turn the light off. They lifted the covers up and then climbed in their sides. They lay staring at the ceilings after shifting around to get comfortable and Dean exhaled loudly. Cas rolled over onto his side, his chest brushing Dean's arm and he put his right arm over Dean's chest.

"I'm here," he whispered as settled his head beside Dean's, but not touching, on the pillow with his eyes closed. Dean was still staring at the ceiling but let his left come up so he could stroke Cas' arm with his hand and nodded slightly.

He could feel Cas' steadying breathing down the right side of his jaw and on his collar bone, he turned his head a little and stopped when Cas' nose hit the crook in between his nose and his right cheek. He felt the flutter of eyelashes on his cheek as Cas opened his eyes and then, deciding Dean was okay with it, he closed them again. Cas wriggled his nose and rubbed his lips together and Dean felt heat from them near his, he was sleepy and felt protected so when he felt the almost-brush of the lips on his and Cas' brief pause he pursed out his lips to chastely kiss Cas', just to show him it was okay. A mere second later he felt Cas return the kiss on the right side of Dean's lips in a sloppy, too-slow reaction to Dean's so Dean did it back. And Cas replied a little quicker that time.

Dean opened his right eye and then leaned forward slightly to place a lingering kiss this time on Cas' lips just once before he lowered his head to the bed again. Cas opened his eyes and leaned back to see Dean as best he could in the dark. Dean lifted his left hand to Cas' face, he used his index finger to tickle along Cas' cheek bone and then above his ear, cupping his hand over it.

"Dean," Cas leaned ever so slightly into the touch before he righted himself, "you said you didn't want anything from me." Dean nodded. "You didn't want me near you the last time."

Dean shook his head that time. "It's not that I didn't want you near me, Cas. You said you thought I would use you, I was trying to make a point."

Cas paused, his right arm bending and his hand moving to Dean's shoulder. "Do you think that you've made it now?"

Dean swallowed. "You tell me."

Cas leaned forward, while bringing his hand over to Dean's jaw, and kissed Dean on the lips. Dean kissed him back and angled himself more to the right to match Cas' position. The soft, warm feeling of Cas' lips of Dean's was strange, it was comfortable in a way that Dean had never known. There was no rush to undress or, 'hurry, Sam will be back soon', there was no 'the cops might come passed the car', there wasn't even a 'get those pants off I'm about to burst'. It was just kiss and be kissed. Cas' right hand moved down Dean's jaw and under his chin, stroking calmly up and down as they continued moving their lips with the other's. Cas leaned his head to Dean's left side, angling more to get slightly closer before he pulled back and repeated the process Dean's fingers slid through Cas' hair. As Cas dipped his head yet again to Dean's left Dean felt a new warmth press on Dean's lip and Dean opened his mouth to let Cas in. He could feel the bumps along Cas' tongue as it slid alongside his and he felt its muscles as it matched his tongue in a sloppy ying and yang type formation before it turned and they switched. Dean couldn't get enough, his right hand squeezed under Cas' arm and came up lazily hanging in the air at Cas' left side, it just hung there while they continued kissing. Cas' right hand stroked down Dean's jaw once again and he used his fingers to tilt Dean's chin upwards making them break the kiss.

Dean let out a involuntary noise of discontent at that before Cas kissed his jaw bone on his right side then to that same side of his Adam's apple and then moved to his neck. Dean's right arm finally touched Cas' left side as he felt himself moan at the contact. His left hand left Cas hair and touched his shoulder. He trailed his fingers up and over the shoulder to Cas' back and tickled over his shirt. Dean then decided one thing - he did not like that shirt. He pinched the fabric in his left hand which he punctuated with a moan as Cas bit into his neck slightly.

"Cas-" Dean caught himself and only just realised how hard he was starting to breathe, he used his right hand to push the shirt up Cas' side, "-get this off," Cas lifted his head to look at Dean who sat up a little, "now."

Cas leaned back a little as Dean dragged the shirt off of his body. Dean threw it away and rolled over on top of Cas, straddling him, and paused just a few millimetres away from his mouth. "Any time," he panted slightly, "you want me to stop-"

Cas lifted his neck to kiss Dean once. "I will tell you," he promised.

He kissed him again, pulling at Dean's open shirt before deciding to push it from his shoulders. As Dean angled his arms backwards to allow it, Cas kissed his neck and collar bone. Dean tossed that shirt to the side as well while Cas pushed his t-shirt up and over his head, once Dean started to pull the shirt off Cas bent forward to kiss his left ribs and over that whole side. When Dean pulled the t-shirt off his right arm he stopped, his arm raised and watched Cas with the t-shirt still on his left arm. Cas kissed up his side and over his chest, leaning up as far as possible to quickly flick his tongue over Dean's nipple and continue to kiss up to Dean's neck again. As he did so he felt Cas slide the backs of his hands down Dean's abdomen and tuck into the front of his pants, slowly unfastening his jeans.

Dean was a little weirded out by the whole thing. He was used to savouring undressing chicks; the swell of her bosom as she leaned back to pull off her jacket, the show of midriff as he yanked her t-shirt over her head, the way her thighs tightened when she lifted her hips to let him drag her pants down which would only really reveal as he was doing so, the way her breasts relaxed after she tossed her bra aside and that shine of light from outside on her bare buttocks as she brought her bent knee up to his side and he reached down to stroke it and pull it up against him. There was something of a means to an end that Dean had never noticed before, not until that very moment. They were great moments in themselves but they were little milestones along the road to something else.

This? This wasn't checkpoints along a highway, this wasn't on any map. Dean's mind was whirring as Cas stroked the backs of his hands up Dean's abdomen, abandoning the jeans and then turned them over to stoke back down. There was no reason for it, other than to feel. The feel of Dean's skin beneath his and for Dean to feel him as Cas nipped at his neck. Sure, they might have had a destination in mind but Dean was quite happy to lie there and let Cas run his hands up and down that same patch of skin until the sun came up. He hummed at the feeling and Cas pulled his head back from Dean's neck.

"Nice?" Cas asked.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, really nice." Cas ran the palms of his hands up Dean's chest to his shoulders and then flicked them over to run back down, it wasn't a gesture anyone else would make and that's why Dean liked it. "Really nice." Dean exhaled and shifted on the bed, the feeling of how strange it was starting to irk him, he moved his legs in between Cas'.

"Dean?" Cas slowly opened his legs to let Dean in but his hands stopped. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Dean smiled and leaned forward to kiss Cas.

Cas stiffened his arms and turned Dean on the bed, looking down at him. "I told you not to 'nothing' me."

Dean paused, taken back by the demand in Cas' voice. "I'm- I'm just not used to being touched... like that." He sniffed. "That's all." Cas waited. "I'm used to, you know, get in, get out. Quick as."

Cas sighed and resumed stroking Dean's chest. "Well,  _I_  haven't touched you before. At least, not like this." He ran his hands down again and tucked his left fingers into Dean's boxers to pull them away from his skin slightly which cause the zipper to open and simultaneously dipped his right hand inside, wrapping his fingers around Dean's length. "Have I?"

Dean gasped and then shook his head with a small laugh at his shock. "No, not like that." He laughed and Cas smiled, stroking up and down very slowly. "Last time-"

"Last time was more get in, get out," Cas admitted as he slowly pulled the boxers and jeans out further to give himself (and Dean) more room. "It's what I thought you wanted."

"It's what I thought you wanted," Dean said, somewhat breathless, and they both laughed.

"I guess I'm not very good at talking."

Dean took a breath in as Cas leaned forward and kissed his neck. "You don't usually have a problem."

Cas stopped and leaned back. "My usually tends to change around you."

Dean leaned forward and kissed him with a forced exhaled and moved his hand down too, to Cas' pants, pulling at the button to undo it. He let out a little moan when Cas tightened his hand ever so slightly. "I'm not good at..." He moaned again. "Talking either- Cas, you're gonna wanna stop that."

Cas halted his movements instantly. "Oh." He pulled his hand away. "I apologize."

He made to shuffle away and Dean looked over his face - flushed but suddenly sad. "Whoa," Dean said, then put his hand out to a retreating Cas and sat up as he caught his elbow. "Where ya goin'?" He hastily tucked himself in with his left hand.

Cas stopped. "I didn't mean to-"

"Cas-" Dean smiled and cupped Cas' jaw with his right hand. He exhaled. "I meant that I wasn't gonna get very far at undressing you if you kept doing that."

Cas looked up to Dean's face. "Oh." He smiled embarrassed and looked down. Dean smiled too, his head unintentionally dipping a little. "We're all over the place."

"What do you mean?" Dean's smile fell a little as Cas' head lifted.

"We're so worried that we're overstepping some line or forcing the other person that we're just a mess." Dean paused, thinking it over, then nodded a little. "We need to just say things." He shrugged. "Say them."

Dean's hand left Cas' jaw and he gestured in the air gently. "Just... say them?" Cas nodded. "Like what kind of things?"

"What we want." Cas nodded once. "So we're clear."

"What we want?" Cas nodded again and Dean nodded too. "Okay, I can do that. What do you want?"

Cas smiled. "Okay." He paused and looked to the side. "I want... I want to do this." He leaned forward and kissed Dean. Once.

"Yeah?" Dean asked, in a slightly lowered voice.

Cas nodded and kissed him again. "You?" he muttered in between a kiss.

"Me?" Cas hummed an answer before lowering his head back to Dean's neck. As soon as he started there Dean's eyes fluttered closed and his mouth opened a little. He then pushed Cas back onto the bed. "I want rid of these." He leaned back and pulled Cas' pants off, throwing them to the floor. He leaned over Cas again.

"Hardly proportionate," Cas said but he was smiling and stroking Dean's side.

"I'm sorry," Dean kissed him again, "but I'm a demanding guy."

"Mmm," Cas agreed mid-kiss. "I'll tell you what."

"What?" Dean looked down briefly, settling his legs in between Cas'.

"Why don't I save you some time?" Dean looked back up. "Whatever you want? You can have it."

Dean paused. "What- What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said." Cas turned his head to the side and kissed Dean's arm before stroking his hand up the other side.

"You mean... sexually?" Dean asked, his eyebrows raised.

"I mean whatever you want." He stroked his right hand down and rubbed over Dean's cock in his boxers, causing Dean to exhale. "Sexually." He stroked his hand back up Dean's body. "Physically." He lifted his hand and cupped Dean's jaw softly. "Emotionally." He smiled up at Dean. "Even if you just want to sleep. Dean, with me you can have whatever you want. Don't worry, if I'm not willing to give it, I will let you know."

Dean swallowed and stared at Cas. "How do I know-?"

"Because I'm telling you. I'm promising you."

Dean paused again. "Why are you saying this?"

"You seem very preoccupied with my consent." Dean looked to the side, Cas' hand falling. "To be frank, your preoccupation makes me preoccupied with your consent and it is that that seems to be hindering us." Cas lifted his hand to Dean's face and made him look at him. "I'm not asking why." Dean inhaled. "I'm just saying that you have my consent, emotionally and physically and every other way. Trust me."

Dean nodded a couple of time before he stopped. "Thank you," he croaked. Cas just tipped his head to the side slightly. "For not asking."

Cas smiled. "Come on, let's sleep."

"Yeah." Dean rolled off of Cas and sniffed and his back hit the mattress. He stood briefly as Cas fussed with the blanket to pull his pants off and then get back into bed. They lay, their arms touching, side by side with their eyes closed and silence all around them. Dean's eyes opened and he looked to Cas lying there before he turned on his side and put his left arm over Cas briefly. Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean. "C'mon, you know the drill."

Cas smiled before he turned on his right side and let Dean spoon him, both of them willing their boners to let them sleep. 


	24. Chapter 24

_Dean turned the corner and came face to face with Alistair._

_"Hey." He smiled. "Been lookin' for you. Dryer cracked." Dean looked over Alistair's face, he didn't seem happy but then again he never did unless he was crafting. He looked worried. "You alright?"_

_"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," he said then put his hand on Dean's shoulder and gestured behind him as he turned. "This way." They began walking along the dark passageway. "That's good work, kid." Dean kept walking, he didn't ask where they were going or why. He just went. "Listen, we're gonna have a couple of guys tag along with us for a while."_

_"What's up?" Dean's brow dipped and he looked to Alistair who looked this way and that along the corridors. "That problem back?"_

_"No." Alistair's jaw tightened. "C'mon."_

_He lifted his hand from Dean's shoulder as he turned into a doorway and Dean had to pause in his steps to allow Alistair to walk in then he followed him._

_There was a woman on a wooden table in the middle of the room and two men standing looking down at her. One of the men, who was shorter with less hair which was slightly red was fussing with some pliers. The other stood at the other side of the table and room in a suit and with his hands on his hips. He looked a little like a cop from where Dean was standing, especially the way that he had tucked his open suit jacket behind his hands, as if he was used to revealing his badge but concealing his gun. Dean looked back to the other man, he was also in a suit but it was slightly stained red and disheveled._

_"_ _Guys," Alistair said._

_They turned to look at the doorway and the woman mumbled through her leather gag._

_"Alistair," Pliers said and turned back to his tool as if Dean was invisible, the other man however nodded to Alistair when he looked and then acknowledged Dean the same way._

_"This is Dean," he gestured to Dean, "Dean, this is Franks," he gestured to the man watching, "and Derino." His attention turned to the man who had put down his pliers._

_"Don't stand on ceremony." Derino turned back around with a piece of wood and watched his own hands trail up and down it. "Enough of Paula to go around."_

_The woman sobbed and closed her eyes._

_"Where are we at?" Alistair walked around beside Derino and Franks walked to Dean._

_"New?" Franks asked._

_"Ish," Dean replied. "On the rack for thirty, working for a few." The man nodded and looked back to the woman. "You?"_

_"Uh, rack for five and working for about..." He blew out. "Just over a hundred."_

_"Wow." Dean looked to Alistair and Derino, they were whispering._

_"Yeah," Franks muttered. "So, what was your gig before this?"_

_Alistair turned as Dean let out a little exhaled chuckle._

_"Uh, you wouldn't believe me if I told you." The man raised an eyebrow. "I used to be a hunter."_

_"Like steers and stuff?"_

_Dean laughed again. "Ugh no, like bad shit. Ghosts, witches-"_

_"Demons?" Franks asked and Dean nodded. Franks laughed. "I've heard of perks of the job but that's just ridiculous."_

_Dean laughed too and Alistair went back to whisper-arguing with Derino._

_"_ _Yeah. I guess you were a cop?" Franks looked at Dean. "I spent my whole life evading you guys while pretending to be one. It's obvious."_

_Franks smiled. "Figures. I bet I came across you once or twice, what did you say your last name was?"_

_"Winchester." Dean smiled, which fell when Franks' did. "What?"_

_"This one?" Franks pointed to him and walked towards his partner. "This is the-?"_

_"Shut up!" Alistair spat._

_"No, no come on-" Franks started again._

_"Franks," Derino warned._

_"What's going on?" Dean looked between them._

_"Nothing, let's get on with the job." Alistair looked to Derino._

_"Yeah." He nodded and shot his partner a look. "C'mon." He then raised his voice to the rest of them. "Paula has been here a while, we've tried everything."_

_"Not everything," Franks muttered, his jaw tight and his eye contact was focused on Derino._

_"No," Derino said. "Not everything."_

_Dean's eyes darted between the two men. "No." They turned, except Alistair whose eyes slowly closed. "No, not happening."_

_"Excuse me?" Franks took a step towards Dean. "You don't call the shots, Winchester."_

_"Not happening!" Dean shouted as they came face to face._

_"Dean-" Alistair said, calmly and flat._

_"We had a deal, no," Dean spoke to Alistair's back. "You swore."_

_"A deal?" Derino looked to Alistair. "You letting a tadpole tell you what to do?" The corner of his mouth turned in a smile._

_Alistair grabbed Derino by the arm and threw him against the wall, walking up behind it to pin him there._

_There was a whisper and Franks and Dean just stared at each other. Eventually the whispers got louder. But only Derino's._

_"-doing you a favor here and now you're telling me what to do with my own-"_

_"-I do things my way-"_

_Dean took a step forward, Franks taking one with him, and as he began to speak the pair stopped and looked._

_"I don't care what's going on, I don't know why we're here and sharing but I will not do that. Never. You may as well take her off there right now," Dean pointed to the rack, "and put me on because I won't!"_

_"Dean-"_

_"No!" Dean shouted at Alistair and the man slowly turned to Dean, letting his hand fall from Derino's arm. "I don't care, you can be angry," Alistair slowly got closer, "you can do whatever you want. I won't do it." Alistair stopped right before Dean. "I won't," Dean whispered._

_Suddenly a woman appeared at the door, obviously she had been running. "Alistair." They all looked. "It's-"_

Dean jolted out of his sleep and sat up, panting and baked in heat.

Dean felt the mattress beside him move. "Dean?" He felt a weight shift towards him. "Dean, you're alright."

Dean felt something on his right side and he looked down to see a hand. It was so gently placed on his side. Like a feather. He followed the arm up through the clearing darkness to a face.

"Cas," Dean panted again.

The hand stoked his side and abdomen reassuringly. "You're okay, you're in the base. You're safe," Cas told him again.

Dean blew out and used his left hand to push himself back on the bed to leaning against the headboard, Cas' hand left his stomach.

"Yeah," he mumbled and wiped his forehead as Cas shifted with him backwards. He looked when Cas leaned to his right and off the bed. "What-"

When Cas came back up he had his t-shirt in his hand, he folded it over and motioned for Dean to sit forward. When he did Cas rubbed the fabric over his skin, it wasn't very soothing, like a wet wash cloth would have been, but it was wiping away the sweat and it was dry. Dean hummed and closed his eyes as the fabric ran down his spine and up again.

Cas put his right hand on Dean's right shoulder. "Sit back."

Dean did so and Cas rubbed his chest. Dean watched him, he never looked Dean in the eye, he never seemed to be wanting to ask but not sure if he should - like most people would.

Eventually his eyes were drawn to Dean's with the feel of his stare on him. "What?"

"You never ask," Dean said, his left hand came out to slowly stroke up Cas' right arm, "about my dreams." Cas folded the fabric in his hands. "Even the first one, you have never asked me what they're about."

Cas paused, looking at the cloth. "Was that a question?"

"Yeah." Cas leaned forward and wiped Dean's neck. "Why don't you ask?"

"Do you want me to ask?" Cas leaned back and held out the t-shirt for Dean to take, for any patches he might have missed.

Dean took it but his eyes had never moved from Cas' face. "Cas," Cas looked at him, "what we were sayin' last night about just saying stuff? I want to know why you haven't asked."

Cas inhaled and nodded. "I think for two reasons." Dean nodded too. "One, I know you're a private person and that fact that I even know about them must have been big enough for you so I didn't want to push it."

Dean nodded again. "And two?" Dean was lightly playing with the fabric of the t-shirt in his hands.

"I think I was worried about what you'd say." Cas looked to the side and missed the hurt look on Dean's face. "I'm sorry."

"No, I get it." Dean sniffed and Cas looked back, his own eyes glistening. "It's not a collection of fairytales, Cas."

Cas nodded and steeled himself before Dean moved back to lying down.

Cas mumbled something and left the room, as he was walking along the corridor he saw Sam's room slightly ajar. He paused when he heard a voice. It was Sam's.

"No," he mumbled. "I can't-" He let out a painful exhale. "Lucifer..."

Cas sighed to himself with a pained look on his face. 

_The Winchester brother's gave up more than their childhoods for this life._

>><<

Crowley was staring at the ceiling thinking about the time he bet Roosevelt at poker. He chuckled to himself at the look of the guy's face. "Americans," he muttered.

"What about us?"

Crowley looked up in the direction of the voice, behind the shelves. "Dean," Crowley sighed and looked to the side, ignoring his gut, disappointment, "to what," Crowley winced when the shelf dragged along the floor as Dean pulled it open, "do I owe the pleasure?"

"Well," Dean rubbed his hands together as he walked in, "Sam seems to spend a lot of time down here so I thought I'd see what the fuss is about," Dean looked around the room, "you got a salad bar or something?"

"Salad?" Crowley winced.

"Yeah, or some kind of smoothie-maker." Dean stopped before the table and looked down at Crowley.

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the dungeon." Crowley smiled at Dean.

"That's funny." Dean smiled back. "So what's the deal?" Crowley gave him an innocent look. "Either you got something Sam wants down here..."

"Or...?" Crowley asked.

"Exactly." Dean folded his arms. "Because I can't think of another reason why he'd wanna be down here so much. 'Cause he sure as hell ain't getting any names."

Crowley shifted in his seat, straightening his back. "Well, maybe he's sick of playing gooseberry." Dean quirked an eyebrow. "Wow." Crowley smiled a little. "You're really going with it?" Dean waited. "You're going to pretend what happened didn't happen?"

Dean smirked and shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Crowley looked over Dean's face. "Uh-huh." He exhaled and looked down. "That's some first rate denial you got there, Squirrel. Why don't you run back to your boyfriend, I'm bored."

"And Sam doesn't bore you?"

"In a world that keeps pushing him around, he won't back down," Crowley said.

Dean looked at Crowley for a second longer before exhaling and turning around. He walked out and turned, he looked at Crowley and they stared for a second.

"I don't think Cas would be so happy to see you looking at me like that," he mocked a shiver, "giving me thoughts."

Dean shook his head and pulled the shelf over before walking out and flipping the lights off. When he got to the main room he pulled a chair out and sat.

Cas looked up from his book. "Everything alright?"

Dean looked up briefly. "Hmm? Oh, yeah."

Dean started to hum a song, one he hadn't heard in a while and one he wasn't particularly fond of but he knew someone who was.

"Metallica?" Cas asked, bowing his head back to his book.

Dean stared off into the distance. "Johnny Cash."

>><<

It had been hours, they had sat in complete silence. Well, almost. Dean had sat still for a long time. Staring into the distance, the only noise was the sound of the pages that Cas turned but he could hear the whirring from a mile away so he carried on with his research and he let Dean do his thing. Eventually Dean started to shake his right leg, a little restless, he changed from leaning his chin in his left palm on the arm of the chair to the other side. He exhaled as he did so and his left leg began to shake. Cas didn't lift his head but moved his eyes briefly so that Dean wouldn't see then he looked back to his book.

A few more seconds went by and then Dean hauled himself to his feet with a sigh, he walked around the room a little, rubbing his stubble. His body language took on a slightly conflicted stance. His feet were facing the doorway, his back to Cas. Cas pretended not to notice; it was Dean's natural response - book it. But he stopped, looked over his shoulder, not all the way to Cas but enough in his direction that Cas found himself unable to suppress a little smile. Then he hid it when Dean turned on the spot, only ninety degrees, his body facing the bookshelf, and he looked down, shifting on his feet, using his hands to roll up the opposite sleeve the inch or so they had fallen. He inhaled that time.

Cas thought about it; to walk away would make Dean do the same. But to walk towards him could do one of two things; it could freak him out or it could make it feel like less of a jump. Cas wasn't sure. Dean looked back to the doorway then at Cas. He sighed and then took a step towards the doorway before he stopped, his back to Cas, and brought his right hand up to his neck. Cas decided.

"Dean." Dean turned to look at Cas, but only his head. Cas was still looking at his book and looked up a few words in. "I think last night I said an untruth."

Dean paused. "About?"

Cas sat back in his chair. "I'm not good at talking; I say the wrong things, things that society has taught you is inappropriate or too blunt and so on. But I do think perhaps I am better at it than you are. That's why I think we have a complimentary relationship."

Dean turned a little. "What do ya mean?"

"I'm better at talking than you and you are much better at action than me. You could argue that I am more open to saying what needs to be said and you are more inclined to do what needs to be done."

"What needs to be done?"

As Dean said it Cas stood up and shrugged. "Whatever the situation calls for but in this situation I think we need to work on our weaknesses."

Dean turned completely looking up a little, thinking. "So, you need to act and I need to talk?"

"Exactly." Cas smiled, he took a step forward. Dean laughed a little. "Do you think we could do that?"

Dean looked over him, a little smirk at Cas' carefully selected words. "I wanna see your action first," Dean joked.

Cas took another step forward, coming just a step in front of Dean. "I've done my part, it's your turn."

"You've done your part?" Dean asked and Cas nodded. "What did you do, stand up?" Dean gestured to the table.

"No." Cas shook his head. "Well, yes," he conceded. "But," he reached out and rubbed Dean's left arm, "I kept you in the room and calmed you down until you were ready to talk to me."

Dean sighed and looked to the doorway with an eye roll. "Dammit." Cas let out a little laugh. "You playing me?"

Cas shook his head. "No. I'm _handling_ you." He smirked when Dean looked reluctantly proud. "You don't _have_ to talk," Cas said, seriously, rubbed Dean's arm once more and let it go.

"Sam's been down in the dungeon a lot." Cas' face feel to impassive. "Hasn't come up with any names." He looked down.

"So, what's bothering you?" Cas remembered the conversation he caught between them. Could it have been more than it seemed? Surely not.

Dean looked back to Cas. "I- Uh, nothing. I just..." He sighed. "Alright, I went down, had a talk with Crowley to see if something different would work, see if he was just messing with Sam and tell him to back off. Whatever it was I had to go shake the tree. He said something that bothered me. It's just a little thing." Cas just tilted his head. "He kind of quoted Johnny Cash."

"So?" Cas shook his head to show he didn't understand.

Dean shrugged, taking a slight step forward. "It's just- Sam went through this Cash phase when he was about," Dean shrugged again, "twelve-ish. He got kinda obsessed with the lyrics and Cash's life. It passed but he's always keep a sweet spot for the guy."

"Coincidence?" Cas asked. "From what I understand this Cash was quite popular, he might have heard of him."

Dean paused, taking in a rare moment of Cas remaining innocence in the world. "Maybe." He shook it off. "But I just felt something, he was talking about Sam when he said it and I got the feeling it was more personal than that." He shrugged again. "Maybe I'm over thinking. Not had a case in a while, just frustrated."

Cas smiled. "Thank you. For letting me do the acting and for talking to me." He smiled and Dean nodded a little. "If ever you want to try it again-?"

"I know." Dean nodded again. Cas watched Dean shift on his feet before speaking. "And uh," his voice was lower and raspier than before, he stepped forward, into the last of Cas' personal space, "now?" His left hand moved to Cas' jaw, slowly and gently. "Am I back to action?"

"You tell me," Cas whispered as their lips met.

Outside the room Sam ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled nervously.


	25. Chapter 25

Crowley was getting antsy, there was no denying it. He had tried, _oh_ he had tried. But he felt on edge, he really did. So when he heard the hesitant taps of someone coming down the steps and he leaned forward with the faint glimpse of a smile he immediately wiped it off his face and got angry.  _Down boy._  The footsteps stopped at the bottom and then there was nothing. Crowley waited and looked to the side of the room. There was at least ten seconds before he heard some shuffling of feet and the light above his head came on and he looked up.

He allowed himself to smile that time.

The footsteps carried on into the room, but Crowley's smile fell when the footsteps went to his right and not the left.

He didn't have to talk, he could just sit and leave it. Just sit and wait. In the darkness. 

_Forever... Screw that._

"Dean?" Crowley chanced. All movements ceased and Crowley's brow dipped. "Moose?" There was a sigh. "Moose, is that you?"

"Just getting a file," Sam's voice drawled out and Crowley's brow dipped further.

"What's going on?" Crowley ignored the feeling that bubbled up inside of him, he knew that feeling. He'd felt it before, a long time ago.

"Nothing, just getting a file," Sam said again and Crowley heard paper flapping around and sliding along other bits.

"Fine." Crowley's jaw tightened and he looked to the side.

"What?" Sam's voice was different and there was more shuffling of paper.

Crowley didn't answer.

"Crowley?" Sam said.

He ignored him again.

Sam put the file flat down on the shelf in front of him and walked over to the shelf that concealed their little dungeon before pulling it wide open. He looked at Crowley who was looking at the side. "What's going on?"

Crowley shrugged. "Nothing."

Sam looked behind him briefly and then looked back. "You're mad at me," his voiced was hushed, like a whisper. "Right?"

"No." Crowley looked down at his hand and turned them over, looking over them.

"You are." Sam stepped forward towards Crowley, just two steps but it made Crowley look up at the ceiling, inhaling. "But I can't think why."

That sentence made Crowley mad.

_He knows exactly why!_

Crowley leaned forward. "Because you-!" He stopped, his voice had come out in an angry yell and he pursed his lips together, looking to the side.

"So you are mad." Sam put his hands in his pockets. "Why?"

The question made Crowley blink like he had been minutely surprised. Sam's voice sounded sincere, as if he really didn't know. But Crowley knew that he did, he knew Sam had done it on purpose.

Crowley cracked his neck. "Dean was here."

"Yeah, I know." Crowley looked up to see Sam's jaw tighten and he looked to the side. "But why would that make you angry?"

"He said he wondered why you were always down here but he needn't have worried." Sam's head raised slightly and Crowley realized he'd said too much.

"Oh." Sam tried not to smile. "That's it." He walked slowly around to the side of the table. "You're mad," Crowley started shaking his head while biting his bottom lip, "that I haven't been down for a while."

"Don't act like you-" Crowley caught himself again.

"Like I don't know?" Sam took another step forward. "I  _don't_  know."

"Yeah, right," Crowley huffed.

"Look at me." Sam stared and there was a pause before Crowley looked, with the attitude that screamed that he didn't want to. Sam's hand subconsciously went to his chest as he spoke. "I didn't, I don't even know what you think I did by not coming down here but Dean was asking questions, wanted to take over the interrogation so I thought I'd lay off." His hand left his chest and went out to the side. "That's all."

Crowley paused again. He could see an openness in the way that Sam had spoken, and a part of him believed the young man. But whether he believed him or not the demon could not ignore how glad he was to see him, to see anyone, he told himself.

"Okay," he croaked and then nodded to the side. "Go get me a drink."

Sam smiled. "I can't be down here for long."

"Go," Crowley said again, softer than before.

Sam turned on the spot and took a left out of the makeshift shelf door. Crowley sat up, shuffling to straighten up and sniffed, bending his neck to the side again. Sam indicated two plastic cups and a half-empty bottle of scotch. He put them on the table with a smile before turning on the spot again and walking to the doorway. Crowley watched him and saw him start to close the door over so he tried to lift his handcuffed hands up to reach the bottle and sighed when they didn't go far enough. Sam smiled as he saw his frustration and jogged forward a little to unlock them.

"You have the keys?" Crowley watched the motion before looking up to Sam.

"Mm-hm," Sam mumbled. "Stretch?"

"After this long?" Crowley watched as Sam chuckled before leaned down to the floor. "Use your common sense, Sam."

Sam looked up at the use of his name to see Crowley pick up the cups and grimace. "Still dirty."

"Beggars can't be choosers." Sam stood up, putting the key in his pocket, and turned around to grab a seat as Crowley poured.

>><<

Cas was walking towards his room, whistling a tune he had heard a long time ago. One which he couldn't remember the name of now but it popped into his head. Dean walked up behind him and put his hands on Cas' hips, pushing him forward. Cas didn't even have to look, he knew Dean's smell better than anything. Better than the pattern of every constellation, better than the maps of the continents, better than the names of all of his garrison, better than his own being.

He knew Dean better.

He let out a gentle laugh as Dean lightly turned him into his room. "Dean," he laughed again, "I was going to my own room."

"What's wrong with my room?" He wrapped his right arm around Cas' front to push him further when Cas seemed to slow.

"Nothing, just-" Cas sighed and let Dean strong-arm him. "Dean."

"Just one second." Dean stopped them both to close the door.

Cas turned on the spot. "Dean, I'm busy."

"Busy?" Cas nodded as Dean stood there, clicking the lock. "With what?"

"Finding you a case." Dean's brow furrowed and his head moved a little to the side. "You said you were frustrated, that you hadn't had a case in a while."

"Cas, you don't have to try and fix every little problem I have?" Dean shrugged.

Cas' face changed to confused. "I thought we were in some kind of relationship now?"

Dean blushed a little and looked down. "I- I guess."

"And, as I understand it, the purpose of a relationship is to make the other person happy?"

"Uh," Dean looked back to Cas, "I guess, in the grand scheme of things, yeah."

"And a case would make you happier right now?"

"Well yeah but-"

"So, what did I do wrong here?" Cas looked straight at Dean. His head tilted to the right and he stared at Dean.

Dean stepped forward, putting his left hand under Cas' jaw, and kissed him as his right pressed into his back. It took a second for Cas to catch up but he moaned a little, partly from surprise and partly from the force of the kiss, as his arms came up to mirror Dean's. Dean's tongue was already pushing its way into Cas' mouth and Cas let it, he was completely unsure why Dean had halted the conversation to kiss him but he decided that he didn't care. The taste of Dean was intoxicating, he wanted more every time he tasted it and Dean didn't seem to be holding back. Until he pulled away. He didn't go far, his lips were a barely an inch away from Cas' and when Cas looked his eyes were still closed but they looked a little tense.

"Cas," his whispered voice paused, pushing his lips together for a second as his brow twitched, "why?"

"Why, what?" Cas whispered back.

Dean's lips pursed together more, his brow dipping even further as he turned his head to the side. "Why do you treat me like that?"

"Like what?" Cas' own face showed worry. Had he hurt Dean or treated him badly? Maybe he felt that Cas was constricting him, perhaps he wanted to find his own case, maybe he felt like he was losing control.

"Like I'm the only person in the world," Dean had said it in a whisper but there had been a choke there.

The simple words with the way Dean had said them hit Cas like a brick and he let out a low, audible grunt, as if the answer should have been so obvious it didn't need to be said. Dean opened his eyes to it.

"Dean." Cas' eyes began to sting. "At this moment in time there are seven billion, two hundred and eighty-nine million, four hundred and thirty thousand, three hundred and sixty-five people on the planet." He swallowed. "That number goes up and down every single second, in the time that it took me to even say the number to you it changed an estimated seventy-four times."

"Wow," Dean muttered, wondering where this was going.

"Yes, it can be an overwhelming thing to think about. And I've watched many more of those, all of the changes, the ups and downs in population per second, I've seen a lot of them. An inordinate amount. I've watched births, deaths, pain, happiness, discoveries, extinctions... So many things that I could not even begin to tell you about and hope to finish." Dean waited, listening. "I've seen a lot, I've watched a lot of people. Then I watched you."

Dean looked at the floor momentarily.

"I know it makes you uncomfortable," Dean looked back up, "that you felt manipulated or controlled. But, I was tasked with saving you, my whole garrison was, we lost a lot of my brothers and sisters that day." Cas shook his head. "I know you don't believe in destiny or fate, although that confuses me since you and your brother have met her," Dean tried not to smile at that, "but I was the one who got to you, I was the one who," Cas lifted his right hand slowly, "gripped you tight," he put his hand over Dean's shoulder and Dean turned to look as Cas' warm skin met and hugged his, "and raised you from perdition. From that moment on, my life and the entire universe has never been the same."

His left hand, which had fell slightly as they spoke, reclaimed its place along Dean's jaw as the man looked back to Cas' eyes. "You may not be the only person in the world, Dean, but when it comes to me," he sighed, "you may as well be."

Dean swallowed, his hand fell to hovering in between them where he gestured with them as he spoke, when he did speak his voice was soft and croaky, as if he hadn't spoken in a while or even as if he was trying hard to keep emotion down, "You said before that you were the talker and I was the doer." Cas nodded. "You've done nothin' but prove yourself right about that, you always know just what to say. Even when I didn't know I wanted to hear anythin' but..." He paused and wetted his lips nervously. "Sometimes I feel like action speaks louder than words," Cas suddenly looked confused, "it's a figure of speech, it means that sometimes words aren't enough, that people's actions say more than words ever could." Cas nodded slowly understanding it a little more. "But, since I'm all action all the time," Dean gestured to himself, "then I think the opposite applies to me, do you see what I mean?"

Cas narrowed his eyes for a beat before he spoke, "You mean that for a man, like you, Dean, who communicates in actions, that words might occasionally have more of an impact than action?"

"Yeah." Dean nodded. "'Cause it's not my usual thing, you see?" Cas nodded again and he tilted his head slightly, not in confusion but in intrigue. "So I want to try that now, if that's cool? Like we did before."

"Okay." Cas dropped his hand, he seemed wary or unsure of where this was going but he could see something was brewing in Dean's eyes and it was true, Dean was not a talker, so for him to have a discussion about what was bothering him regarding Sam' trips to the dungeon and then want to convey something else to Cas within such a short period of time was something that Cas was not about to discourage.

"Right." Dean cleared his throat and shifted on his feet. "You said before that I was the single..."

He trailed off, the thought of even saying the words out loud made Dean feel sick, to repeat those words would be like admitting that they were true and while he might admit that Cas thought a lot of him he would also add that he felt Cas thought too much of him. He was certainly not as important as Cas thought he was. Cas had laid down his life, more than a few times, for Dean and Sam. He had done so much for them, so much. The guy had rebelled against Heaven for God's sake. Well no, for Dean's sake. Heaven! That's not something to be done lightly and it's certainly not something to take lightly either. That wasn't lending a friend a few bucks to fix their car or being there at 2am when they called needing support. That was freaking Heaven, the golden gates on the clouds in the sky with babies in diapers, harps and choral music. Nothing anyone had ever and would ever do for Dean could compare to that. Friggin' Heaven, man.

"Single most important person to me in the world," Cas stated.

"Yeah." Dean nodded briefly. "That. And now you're saying that everything changed when you gripped me." Cas nodded again. "But it changed for me too."

"I realize that, Dean. You were in Hell-"

Dean hushed Cas softly. "Let me finish." Cas clamped his mouth closed. "I uh, everything changed for me that day. When I clawed my way out of that hole I wasn't just coming back from Hell, it was like I was being reborn or some shit, I came back to all of this stuff, Sam and Bobby and then there was you and God!" Dean widened his eyes. "I had to take on this idea that all of that was real and then everything piled on from there with Lucifer and Michael and suddenly there was another set of douchebags to fight the ones we'd been chasing our whole lives and not only were we in the middle of you guys fighting but we were been backed into corners. The hunters became the hunted and everything went to Hell, partly literally."

Cas looked guilty and in pain listening to Dean talk. He wanted to reach out, wrap his arms around Dean and apologize for it all all over again, until he could speak anymore, he could feel the bite at the back of his throat, threatening to make him cry. But at the same time he wanted to leave, he wanted to turn and run from the room, flee the base and get as far away from the Winchesters as possible, to make sure he never brought any pain down on them ever again. On Dean.

"Y'know, a while ago Sam called me in the middle of the night, and we spoke, it was actually the night I heard you pray, and he said something that stuck with me. He said that you were always there, he said that me and him always had each other to rely on, but more than that we could rely on you too." Dean shook his head and reached up to take Cas' hand in his. "All of my life, even when I was following Dad around, it didn't matter who came and went, even the old man himself, it has always been me and Sam. Even when Sam walked out and went to college life wasn't quite right, as soon as we hooked up again to go looking for Dad it was like something snapped into place like, yeah this is how it's supposed to be. I mean Heaven and Hell tried to get us to fight each other and we fought that." Cas smiled a little at the expression on Dean's face. "But then you came along and that's what I mean Cas, nobody has clicked into our life before, it's always been me and Sam, but you just clicked. You fit in like you were always meant to there, like you always have been." He sighed, looking at Cas. "You say you watched me so maybe it's because you always have been."

Cas' mouth opened and he stalled a second, not sure what to say.

"I don't really have a defining point to what I'm saying," Dean admitted with a blush. "I just hoped that what I said would tell you what my actions don't." He shrugged. "I might not be able to say you're the most important person in the world to me, 'cause it's always been about Sam, he's my brother, but I only have two of those spots." He looked down. "I just wanted you to know that."

"Thank you, Dean." Dean looked up and Cas smiled.

>><<

Sam sighed and looked into his glass. "I need to go." He looked up and gave a weary smile.

"Sure." Crowley nodded.

Sam stood up. "Listen," he moved the chair back against the wall, "I don't know why you were so annoyed with me but-"

"Sam," Crowley interrupted and then exhaled. Sam stopped immediately and turned to look at Crowley. His head was lowered and his forehead lay in his hand as he looked at the table. "When I was eight years old my mother said she was going out, she'd be back in five minutes, and she never came back." Sam seemed a little confused as Crowley looked back up. "She was the last person I ever trusted." Crowley nodded once. "Until now."

Sam's whole face showed realization.

"You were right when you said you know me better than anyone else." Sam stepped closer to hear as Crowley's words got quieter. "All day, every day, all alone in here I started to think we had a friendship," he shrugged tiredly, "of sorts." He exhaled. "It's stupid, I know, but I started to look forward to our little," he gestured over the table, "meetings and that made me mad."

"Why?" Sam chanced and Crowley looked up at him. "Is it really so bad?"

"Of course it is." Crowley looked down at his hands. "You said people aren't possessions and I said they were. In this world there are the weak and the strong."

"And you think that needing someone makes you weak, a possession?" Crowley looked up and nodded as he looked to the side. "Then you're an idiot." Crowley let out a laugh and nodded then Sam spoke, "Being needed and needing people, it's nothing to do with weakness or ownership." Crowley finally met his eyes again. "It's human nature."

Crowley twitched his hands in his lap. "Bloody exorcism."

Sam laughed that time and Crowley looked up, secretly proud of himself that he could do that.

Sam stepped forward and leaned on the table. "You think I come down here just to amuse you?" Crowley raised his head to look at Sam properly. "Friendship goes two ways." He smiled and tapped the table lightly before turning away.

"Kirby Barclay," Crowley said so Sam paused and turned back to Crowley. "Green River, Wyoming." Sam smiled. "See you soon, Moose."

Sam nodded, picked up the empty bottle and plastic cups, and walked out before pulling the shelf over.

As Crowley listened to Sam's steps fade he looked up to the light that was left on, cleared his throat and reached over to click his collar close. Sam had forgotten.


	26. Chapter 26

_"Now?!" Alistar shouted at the woman. She nodded, worriedly and then glanced to Dean._

_Dean noticed, and then felt Frank's eyes on him so he looked, Franks looked at Derino, Dean copying, but Derino was looking at Alistair who was looking at the wall._

_"Alistair?" Dean chanced. "What the hell is going on?"_

_"He doesn't know?!" Franks almost shouted._

_"Shut the fuck up." Derino punched Franks right across the face in a panic who then fell against the wall before catching himself. He looked up to see the woman looking at him as he brought his right hand up to wipe the blood from his lip. "Alistair." Alistair looked up to him then nodded. Derino turned to the woman in the doorway. "Get the guys, tell 'em it's go time." She nodded and disappeared._

_"What is going on?!" Dean tried again, walking towards the room door in order to follow the woman for no other reason than to see where she was going._

_Suddenly he was grabbed from behind and thrown against the wall. His forehead hit the brick as he heard Alistair speak. "Get rid of her." Dean's ears were ringing, from the collision or from the shock of it, he couldn't be sure._

_As Dean turned Derino and Franks raised their dominant hands, Franks being a lefty, there was a flash of light from the table and an agonizing scream rang out, echoed and disappeared when she did._

_Dean was thrown against the table, his hands coming out to catch the surface. "On the table," Alistair demanded._

_"What?" Dean turned his head and Alistair used that moment to head-butt him. Dean's head shot back and he let out a groan as he straightened up again. The pain that was there before had just doubled. He didn't understand what was happening, he felt as if he was a few frames behind and he could barely hear anything over his own blood coursing through his ears and on his forehead. "What the hell?" His right hand came up to touch the rapidly appearing bump before they heard a commotion outside the room._

_Dean turned his head as the doorway filled with people._

_"_ _What do we know?" Derino asked the crowd._

_"A lot of them," a young man said, physically he looked in his mid to late twenties but his voice was that of a middle aged man._

_"And it's definitely them?" Alistair asked. Dean's eyes fell onto his face. His torturer turned colleague and mentor's face. Worry, there was genuine worry there._

_"Oh, it's them alright," an older woman, grey hair and cardigan which was beige except for the blood stains, spoke from the side of the doorway, popping her head out to talk. "No mistake."_

_Alistair suddenly grabbed Dean's face, under the chin, in his hands. He angled Dean's face upwards, the force of the pull and grasp made it so that Dean's feet lifted ever so slightly from the floor, he stumbled around trying to find balance and his hands lifted from the table, being just out of reach._

_Alistair brought his face to Dean's and exhaled his words, Dean's eyes moved all over his face in fear and confusion, "Listen to me very carefully." He grasped tighter and Dean let out little moans of pain and discomfort as he felt the bruising on his skin already. "I want you to get on that table," he turned Dean's face to look at it, "you're going to stay there, a little refreshers course." Dean whimpered and shook his head as he was allowed to look back to Alistair. "No?" Dean inhaled, remembering he shouldn't be disagreeing. Alistair turned Dean's face in his to look at the rack again. "Alright then, I can think of," he touched his nose to Dean's cheek, "plenty of other things we could do with our time." He brought his lips right against Dean's cheek so that they dragged as he spoke, Dean's eyes closed and his brow knitted in anguish. "Would you like that?" Dean shook his head as emphatically as he could in the demon's grasp. "No?" Dean did it again. "Rack then?" Dean nodded. "Glad we could come an understanding."_

_He pushed Dean's face away, towards the rack, as he let go. Dean caught himself on the table as he fell and looked at Derino, who was standing a little behind Dean the whole time, and then looked to the floor._

_A woman pushed through the crowd and held out the handle of something to Alistair. "I thought you might need this."_

_Dean turned back to see that blade again. Polished and good as new._

_Ready._

Dean shot up in his bed. He was breathing hard and could instantly feel the sweat pouring from him. He took a couple of breaths before the bed moved and his head shot to the right.

"You're okay," Cas' sleepy voice drawled into the darkness that Dean's unfocused sight threw up.

"Cas-!" Dean breathed out as if in pain and his hands scrambled to the right.

He needed to touch Cas, to prove to himself that he was okay, that it was real. But more than that, he needed to make sure Cas wasn't gone. His hand softly grabbed Cas' thigh but it didn't ease Dean. He knew that his mind was not infallible, it was capable of being manipulated and tricked. He moved his hand up further, grabbing random bits of fabric - the sheets and then Cas' boxers - before he searched further up. He needed one thing before he could calm down.

He felt Cas' left hand grab his and he stopped, exhaled and closed his eyes.

"Hey." Cas used his other hand to push himself to sitting and then used it to cover Dean's hand. "I'm here." He moved the hand away and Dean felt its warmth appear under his jawline. "Breathe." Dean nodded and forced out an audible breath and then took a deep inhale before resuming normal breathing. "Are you okay?"

Dean nodded again. "Yeah." He tightened the grasp on Cas' hand. "I am now," he said then leaned into Cas' touch. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" Dean opened his eyes again and it flashed black for a second before the outline of Cas slowly appeared.

"You must be gettin' sick of being woken up," Dean spoke soft and low. He hated feeling like a burden, especially to Cas. The man had shouldered the weights of the world for a long time and yet the Cas back then seemed to do everything effortlessly compared to now. He walked swifter, acted quicker and spoke with more certainty. Now, he just looked heavy and older. He seemed to have aged to Dean.  _Because_  of Dean.

"No." Cas shook his head and rubbed his thumb along Dean's cheekbone.

"Cas," Dean felt the burn in his throat before it seeped up and behind his eyes, "you've gotten older since we met."

Even though the darkness had eventually offered Dean sight, a lot of things stayed hidden. But Dean would recognize that head tilt a million miles away and he didn't have to be able to see them to know that Cas' eyes were narrowed. "Of course I have aged, Dean, it has been quite some years since we met?"

Dean shook his head. "No." He shuffled on the bed and Cas' hand fell away from his face. Dean lifted his own left to Cas' jaw, his right still gripping onto Cas' left. "I can see it, behind your eyes. You've aged inside, like everything has harmed you, changed you in some way." He pressed his forehead gently to Cas' and closed his eyes. "Was it me, did I do that? Did I hurt you?" Dean brow tightened, deep down he knew he needed to ask but he didn't want to hear the answer - to have it confirmed. He didn't want to hear the man who saved him admit that Dean had destroyed him in the process.

"No," Cas whispered, his free hand rising to tip Dean's head back to look at him. "If I've changed or aged it's been because I've matured. Seeing the world from Heaven, everything is from a point of view of humanity as a whole. Since I met you I've been forced to think differently."

Dean nodded harshly. "So I  _did_  do that to you." He felt something shift and crack inside him. As if the certain knowledge broke his very foundations. He couldn't keep doing that, not to Cas. He needed to get as far away from Dean as possible and save himself but Dean knew Cas never would so he should be the one to go. To leave Cas alone, to live and to survive. To be happy.

He tried to pull his head away and Cas reached out to stop him. "Dean, wait."

"I am-" Dean stopped and looked at Cas, even in the darkness Cas could see the tears in Dean's eyes. "I am so sorry, Cas." He pushed away and scrabbled from the other side of the bed.

As he stood and walked towards the door of Cas' room Cas spun around and stood facing Dean's retreating form. "Dean, would you please stop!" Dean was frozen to the spot with the crack that tore through Cas' sentence. It was something he had not heard from Cas. Ever. It was raw emotion, pain and bubbling. It was someone pleading with sorrow. "Stop trying to run away from me," Cas whispered that time but the crack tore that in two as well. "Please." Cas lowered his head to the floor and Dean hesitated. "Stay."

Dean's head whipped to look at Cas and the word hit him like a bullet. He had said those words before, in hushed breaths to Cas. Dean had pleaded this man in his most vulnerable times, had told him in one word that never in all of their time together had Dean needed him more. And now, that man, who had responded to that need with action, was asking the same. In that one word Dean heard a thousand,  _Stop running. Stop pushing me away. Stop looking for reasons to leave. Stop looking for confirmation that I'll leave._ _Stop hurting me._

Dean turned the last few inches and took the few steps around the bed, Cas turned as they came face to face. "I'm going nowhere."

Cas nodded and then sniffed. "In Heaven I was always looking down and I saw a population looking up. When I first got here I looked up too. And then I met you." A little sob escaped his mouth and Dean instinctively reached out for his hand. He wanted to hug him to his chest, as tight as he could, and never let go but he wanted to hear Cas out too. "I met you and Sam. You two taught me to stop looking up and look around. I hadn't truly lived until I met you. That's what you see behind my eyes, Dean. Not pain or hurt or age. Life. And it's because of you."

Dean exhaled and snaked his arms around Cas' middle who reached up and wrapped his arms around Dean's neck, Dean felt Cas' fingers run through his hair and felt the warmth of Cas' tears on his neck. "I'm sorry, Cas." Dean kissed his forehead and then pulled him tighter against him. "I'm done runnin'." He sighed to himself. "I'm done pushing you away."

>><<

Dean walked into the main room to see Cas standing by one of the bookshelves looking in a book he had in his hands. His head was bowed and he was biting his lip as if concentrating. The book looked old and heavy but of course Dean didn't notice that he just felt the smile on his lips when he saw Cas there in just an old t-shirt and jeans. He looked down at the boots on Cas feet and remembered him putting them on earlier as Dean had popped in to ask if Cas wanted coffee. He hadn't registered until now that after Cas had showered and gotten dressed he had put his shoes on. Like a hunter. He even had a watch on.

Dean walked towards him, Cas' head raised at the approaching footsteps and Dean put his hand out to Cas' face as he kissed him. Cas kissed him back just as gently and smiled when they parted. "Hey, where's Sam?"

"Right here." Dean turned to see Sam sitting at the table, in front of a laptop and papers. He smiled and then looked back to the screen.

Dean paused for a beat. "Oh." He then shrugged internally. He was done running, and hiding it was included. Emotionally running. See, Dean could be deep. "So uh," Dean looked back to Cas, "what you got?" His hand hadn't moved from Cas' face and he tickled it a little and smiled.

"You talking to me or the back of Cas' throat?" Sam muttered.

Dean turned around with a 'very funny' look. He relented, turned away from Cas and leaned on the chair across from Sam. "Alright, needy. You have my full attention." He gestured to Sam again. "You're surrounded by research so what's up? Crowley finally bend over?"

Sam's eyes shot to Dean's. "What?"

"Did he give you a..." Dean looked to the side when Cas stood behind him and leaned over his side to place the heavy book on the table. "... name?" Cas pointed on the book and then gestured his head to the book when Dean didn't look away. "Oh!" Dean shook himself and looked down. He briefly looked back up when Sam let out a laugh. "Something funny?" He looked back down.

Sam shook his head. "No, sir."

Dean looked back up. That was something they always said to each other, and it always meant the opposite. It came from when they were kids and they had been ordered to do something they didn't want to by their father. After a screaming match, or a match of wits and stamina the boys would be hammered down to one response. Defeat. Which would usually end with whichever brother realizing they had lost, not speaking any more to the sound of their father's last words on the subject.

"Do you hear me?" or "Something to add?"

To which the Dean would answer. "Yes, sir." or "No, sir."

And in time Sam learned to copy him. So when they argued as kids, Sam wondering where his dad was and, in later years, questioning his brother's unwavering dedication and just why the hell he had to do what Dean said, Sam would always use those answers as a point to Dean. He was just like Dad. But in recent years the boys used it in more of a flippant way, jokes and sarcasm.

"Wyoming?" Dean grimaced. "Couldn't have picked anything in-state, huh?" He sighed when Sam shrugged. "Alright, so what's the story? On the level?"

"Seems to be." Sam gestured to the book. "That's tax records for ten years ago." He picked up a bundle of paper and began handing them over to Dean. "That's voting records for the past five."

Dean took it and then tutted. "Republican. Figures."

"Uh," Sam looked at others before handing them over, "bank records for the past five, employment history, driver's license, gun registrations; one revolver and a shotgun, he owned a house in the sticks until he sold it two years ago and rented an apartment," Sam handed over more paper, "downtown. It's listed as his current residency but it's right next to a cop shop."

"Damn." Dean looked over them and then put them on the table in favor of the driver's license. He focused on the picture. "Looks kinda... fit." Dean looked up to Sam looking at him weirdly. "What?"

"We're there to gank him, not chat him up," Sam joked.

Dean scoffed. "Ha ha."

Cas looked between them, his brow dipped. "What does 'fit' mean?" He felt a little pebble sitting in his stomach. He couldn't think how it had got there, he hadn't swallowed it, it had just popped out of nowhere at Dean's comment and Sam's reply. Why was that?

Dean turned to Cas. "It means like, pumped," he flexed his own arms and Cas looked, "like he works out."

"Do you mean, physically active?" Cas asked still pondering Sam's statement.

"Yeah," Dean nodded, "that."

"Sure," Sam quipped sarcastically.

Cas looked between them. "So, why would that indicate he wished to chat him up? Whatever that means." Cas huffed, annoyed. The pebble shifted in his stomach. Dean thought the guy was fit. Cas picked up the copy of the driver's license and looked over the man, it was true, the thickness of his neck muscles alluded to the man perhaps having a regime to keep himself in a kind of physical peak.

Dean sighed and looked to Sam. "See what you did?" He turned back to Cas. "Alright, sometimes when people say that someone is 'fit' they mean they think they're attractive." Sam huffed a laugh as he watched his brother explain himself and Dean shot him a look as Cas raised his head. "When you chat someone up, you try to score." He cleared his throat. "Um, like try to flirt and shit, usually to get a number or whatever. Sam," Dean paused to glare at his brother again, "was joking by saying-"

"I understand." Cas nodded, putting everything together. He looked back down to the paper before putting it back on the table. "So, what's the plan?

"You're coming?" Dean raised an eyebrow. "You didn't want to the last time."

"You said that he is most likely  _fit_ and that his house is next to a police station so you might require extra help."

Dean looked to Sam who shrugged before Dean turned back and smiled. "Awesome."

Cas smiled and slowly looked away from Dean to lean over the table to Sam before he whispered, "Shotgun."

Dean let out a laugh when Sam's face fell and Cas disappeared down the hall. "He got you." Dean pointed to Sam.

"Shut up." Sam started gathering his stuff up.


	27. Chapter 27

Sam hacked the database and sent various codes out in just under a minute - spaced out enough that the cars would already be on the road before they figured that it was probably a screw up.

"We've got about ten minutes before somebody starts questioning, I think," Sam had said before it. "But I don't know how long it'll be before they start driving back to the station.

"Let's do this," Dean said, handing Cas a long knife. Cas took it with trepidation before Sam hit the button on his laptop. He shut the lid quickly to hide the light in the car as they watched from an alleyway. One by one cops started running out of the station and gunning it into the night. When Sam's computer pinged he handed it back to Cas who put it on the seat next to him. "That us?"

"Yeah, all calls have been taken by an officer or team. Let's go."

They bundled out of the car and rounded the apartment building to the back.

"What number is it again?" Dean asked.

"Apartment 15." Sam nodded.

"Alright, uh, you take the fire escape and Cas and me, we'll take the stairs."

Dean looked from Sam, who nodded again before moving for the fire escape and jumping up to it, to Cas who nodded too. Dean opened the power box and trailed his knife along the wires, looking for just one, the building's wiring was split into floors so Dean cut the second floor. He whistled long and loud to let Sam know and pulled Cas towards the building. They ran up the stairs.

"Put the knife away," he muttered to Cas.

Cas stuffed it in his pocket, keeping his hand on it. "I don't-"

"I told you. We knock, let me do the talking, once we're in you can do the honors." Cas nodded, trusting Dean's judgement and followed him along the corridor.

Some people opened their doors in the darkness and babies could be heard crying.

"Don't worry folks, just a power cut," Dean assured them. "We'll have you back up and running in a few minutes. Go on back inside." He smiled to some people who didn't seem that surprised and closed their doors again.

Dean stopped at number 15 and waited. Cas looked to the door then to Dean, just as he was about to talk Dean lifted his index finger in the air and produced his cell phone. It lit up with one ring from Sam. Dean nodded, stuffed his phone back in his pocket and knocked the door.

Cas watched as the door opened in the darkness to a shadow. A big bulky shadow. "Yeah?" his voice was rough and seemingly overworked.

"Power department sir, we just want to apologize for the cut in power and make sure everything is alright," Dean said and smiled his trademark, _I'm an official doing my job_ smile.

"Everything's fine." He looked between them.

"That's awesome, would you mind if we came inside and checked your meter, make sure it's not shorting the building."

"What does that mean?" He narrowed his eyes in the dim light from the street streaming in the window down the hall, staring between the two men.

"You know like when you're hanging lights on your Christmas tree and the rest are fine but if even one isn't working well, that tree ain't gonna light?"

He paused and nodded. "Yeah, that can really happen?"

"I'm afraid so," Cas chimed in, feeling weird that he hadn't said anything.

"Alright, come in." He opened the door. "You guys gotta do something about these cuts man. Some kids in here, they ain't well. The AC helps their asthma, you know?"

"We're doing what we can to get it back on again as quickly as possible." Cas shut the door and, as soon as Dean reached for his gun he locked it.

The guy turned and looked between them. "Hunters. I knew it." Anger flashed in his eyes as he looked from Cas to Dean. "How'd you find me?"

Sam threw holy water in through the open window, Cas stepped forward to the writhing demon and attempted to stab him. The demon continued to convulse with the holy water, more from shock of Sam's appearance than anything, in the process he swiped Cas against the wall, the knife slicing Cas' arm in the process.

"Cas!" Dean shouted, he ran forward and held his gun loosely all the while focusing on Cas. Sam had climbed in the window, put his hand around the demon's mouth and stabbed him, tightening his jaw as the orange light flashed.

Dean knelt down beside Cas. "You alright?" Cas nodded and Dean helped him up. "Let's get outta here." He pulled Cas towards the window and the three high-tailed it down the fire escape and back to the Impala. As they did cop cars got their attention, coming back. Sam looked to his watch. "Nine minutes, not bad."

Dean pulled out of the alley slowly and turned right, away from the confusion and apartment building. Dean looked to the side as Sam was taking his shirt off, he held it out to Cas in the back seat. Cas took it with a small smile and pressed it to his arm, his hand already covered in blood.

>><<

The three of them trudged into the base.

When they got to the main room Cas turned. "I just want to say that I'm sorry, to both of you." He looked between them.

"That wasn't your fault," Sam offered and Dean looked to the side as they dumped their stuff on the table.

Cas' eyes moved to Dean, he looked angry. Cas knew he deserved it so he gave Sam a nod. "Yes, it was. I put you both in danger and for that I apologize. Excuse me." He left the room along the corridor.

"Wow." Sam turned to Dean. "He really thinks a lot of us, doesn't he?"

Dean's eyes moved to Sam's. "What d'ya mean?"

"Well..." Sam paused at Dean's confused expression. "I mean, how many times have we nearly gotten each other killed, or stabbed or possessed for Godsake, on the job and he's cut, _by accident_ , by a flying knife not even by a demon lunging at him, and he's pretty much away to say Hail Mary's. I mean, I always knew he thought the world started and ended with you but I didn't realize he thought I was a flawless hunter too. He doesn't even realize how much we screw up all the time." Dean let out a little chuckle. "I mean, he gets a paper cut compared to what we've had and he's hating himself right now."

"Yeah." Dean looked to the corridor and then back to Sam who was looking at him expectantly. "What?

Sam smiled. "Go on."

Dean huffed and looked to the side. "Go on, go on what?"

Sam looked up to the ceiling. "Jesus, alright." He pushed Dean to turn him around and spoke over his shoulder. "You know all those nights he's there after the nightmares?" He pushed Dean towards the doorway. "Give him a little back."

Dean lightly pushed Sam away. "He's not asleep."

"Not all fears are the supernatural kind." Sam nodded towards the doorway. "Letting you down, is one of his. And you know it." He smiled and turned away.

Dean sighed and walked along the corridor towards his room but Cas wasn't there, he ducked in to pick up his first aid kit then checked Cas' room but he wasn't there either. He then heard trickling water so he walked to the bathroom and saw the door was slightly ajar.

"Cas?" He put his fingers gently on the door and pushed it open to see Cas bare chested and standing over the sink. "What are you doing?"

He was kneading something in water in the sink and every time he squeezed his wound oozed some blood. The water was red now but he lifted the fabric from the water and rubbed some soap into it.

"Trying to wash Sam's shirt." He grunted and pulled his left arm out of the water. "But it seems my injury is preventing me from doing it effectively." He let go of the fabric and picked up a wash cloth at the side of the sink which had blood stains on it before lifting it to the gash and wiping it again.

"Cas, forget the damn shirt." Dean shut the door behind him and walked towards Cas. "Let me do this." He reached for Cas' arm.

Cas flinched away. "No, Dean. Leave it, I need to clean the shirt." He dropped the wash cloth on the top of the toilet lid and began kneading again.

Dean rounded Cas, put the first aid kit on the toilet lid and pulled Cas hands from the water. "Listen-"

"Dean." Cas sighed and let Dean pull him gently to face him.

"I know you think you put us in danger out there or you failed or something-"

"I did."

"Can I talk?" Dean asked and Cas sighed, looking to the side. "Look at me." Cas looked at the floor. "Please." Cas hesitated before his head raised a little and his eyes met the hunter's. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes," Cas said, there was no beat, no hesitation, his head moved to face Dean and his jaw was steady. "With everything I have."

"Then trust me when I said that you didn't." Cas sighed and something slowly began to drain from him. Tension or anger, Dean couldn't tell. "Look at you." Dean looked over Cas' face and clothed bottom. "Hunter." He smiled and Cas couldn't help but smile back, despite himself. "Well, almost."

"Almost?" Cas asked, before he could even stop himself.

"There's one thing you've yet to do." Cas waited. "Your post-hunt shower."

Cas began to protest that he was tired, "No, Dean-"

"Hey," Dean put his right hand to Cas' cheek, "let  _me_  take care of  _you_  for a change," he whispered it and Cas couldn't help but get caught up in it. A million thoughts went through his mind, maybe Dean wanted to be needed in that moment, maybe he wanted a shower, maybe he didn't want to be alone. "Come on, I need to clean that." He pointed to Cas' arm and turned around, pulling his shirt over his head and leaning to turn the shower on.

Cas looked over Dean's back, the scars and sweat. One little cut wouldn't be much to Dean. One little mistake wouldn't deter him. So he relented, he pushed his slacks to the floor and watched idly as Dean stepped into the shower completely naked. He pulled his last sock off and watched Dean close his eyes under the water.

"It's warm, come on." Dean opened his eyes and put his left hand out. Cas took it and stepped in beside him. "Stand under the spray." He turned Cas towards the water and let him stand under it, Cas closed his eyes and let it wash over him. "See, no matter what happens out there," Cas felt Dean's hands on his back, just feeling over his shoulders and down his spine, "I can always come in here, any shower," Dean's hands were a gentle kind of rough on his back but when he felt the hunter's arms snake around his middle Cas looked down to see him massaging soap over his stomach, "and wash it all off." Cas felt the warmth of Dean's breath on the right side of his neck. "It's like starting again."

"Mmm." Cas felt Dean press a kiss to his neck and then he started humming. Cas didn't recognize it but he was smiling when he felt Dean sway a little.

"You can relax in here, even demons aren't big enough assholes to catch a guy on the can or in the shower," Dean said softly. Cas let out a laugh and exhaled at the feeling of Dean's hands running over him, he had swayed to a stop but continued rubbing the soap over him. "That good?" Cas nodded.

The feeling of Dean shielding him and taking care of him was one Cas wasn't used to. He was always so keen to protect his charge - the man who woke in the night calling his name - that he had never had the chance to get lost in the feeling of Dean protecting him. He was aware it had happened before but not in such a physical and emotional way. The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, "I could get used to this."

Dean smiled against his neck. "If I've anything to do with it, you just might." He swallowed heavily. "I got a question." He kissed Cas' shoulder.

"Ask me," Cas whispered.

"When you were in the shower," Cas' eyes opened, "thinking of me..." he rubbed his lips together, kissed Cas' neck and Cas hummed to the feeling, the feeling of his pump lips on Cas' hot skin went from feather-like gradually to something more demanding.

Cas could feel when Dean steadily got hard against his back and he definitely felt Dean's right hand snake down his stomach and take a hold of his dick. He let out an exhale.

"Was it like this?" Dean asked, Cas' left hand shot out to the wall as he let out a small moan then pursed his lips together feeling Dean lazily stroke. He then shook his head. "No?"

Cas shook his head again. "No, this is... better."

"Tell me." Dean shuffled his hand to settle around Cas and trailed his lips over Cas' ear lobe. "Was I doing this?"

Cas nodded and tried to stifle his moan, failing. "Dean..." He let his head roll all the way back to Dean's shoulder.

"I've heard that before," Dean whispered. "You like that?" Cas nodded, closing his eyes. "The first time I heard you say my name like that-" he let out a moan into Cas' ear which just spurred Cas on, he reached his right hand back and ran it through Dean's hair. "-I couldn't stop thinking about it." Dean brought his left hand over Cas' pelvis and up his stomach, prompting Cas to bring his back flush against Dean's chest. "I wanted to hear it again, and again. Say it."

"Dean, faster." Cas exhaled.

Dean grinned, picked up his speed and kissed Cas' neck more. Cas was breathing heavy, he turned his head to capturing Dean's lips in a sloppy kiss before he rested his head looking at Dean, and he pushed back on Dean who groaned a little at the friction.

"Cas," he moaned in the former angel's ear, "you feel so good like this." Cas moaned and looked away, feeling Dean's other hand move back to grip his hip, he felt Dean nudge him backwards and Cas took that as a sign to grind back on Dean. Dean let out a long moan. "Fuck Cas, just like that."

He thrust into Dean's hand then ground back down against Dean, he could feel Dean's length between his cheeks and rubbing passed a sensitive part of his body in between. He wondered what it would feel like, to have Dean in there but at that moment he could barely think for more than a few seconds.

"Dean," Cas moaned, "I'm getting... close." His brow began to tighten while the water continued to snake down their bodies.

Dean couldn't help it, every time Cas ground back Dean's dick slid between his cheeks but then when he thrust into Dean's hand Dean's dick slid down and he thought about pushing into Cas' hole. He couldn't help it and he wasn't sure he wanted to. Those, combined with the noises Cas was making, moaning Dean's name, his right hand up and in Dean's hair, his left still on the wall, made it hard for Dean to reprimand his brain. He just went with it.

"Just a few more-" Dean managed to squeeze out of his lungs and picked up the speed of his hand.

In response Cas let out a loud moan and ground back especially hard on Dean who groaned and let his forehead rest on Cas' shoulder while he moaned.

"Dean, Dean, I'm-"

"Me too."

They rocked together and Dean gripped Cas' hips as Cas' eyes tightened and he came with a burst. He opened his eyes, as if some big pressure was suddenly released, letting his grip on Dean's hair drop altogether and realized that Dean was saying his name. He turned his head as he came down to look, Dean's mouth was open and Cas felt a warmth on his back and on his buttocks. Dean was panting, some water from the shower dripping down his face.

"Are you okay?" Cas let go of the wall in front of him and watched Dean nod as his breathing evened out.

"I'm sorry." Dean let go of Cas' cock and held his hand under the water for a second to clean it before flicking it away, He released his fingers from Cas' hips.

"For what?" Cas quickly used the shower to wash away some of his semen.

"That wasn't supposed to happen," Dean breathed. "I was trying to be there for you, I didn't mean to do that."

He made to pull away and Cas reached his left arm back to take Dean hand to stop him but he winced. "Dean, stop."

"Your arm." Dean brought his hand up to his hair. "I forgot about your arm."

Cas turned in the shower and grabbed Dean's arm. "What did you say about running?"

Dean stopped trying to get away and slowly stepped back into Cas' space. "I don't know what happened, I just-"

"Dean?" Cas put his hand out to Dean's cheek and pulled him to look at him. "It happened because we wanted it to. At any point did you hear me asking you stop?"

Dean shook his head. "Well no, but I didn't mean to do what I did."

Cas looked confused and then felt the warm water slowly washing Dean's seed from his back. "Dean, you didn't do anything wrong? Why would you think that?"

Dean inhaled. "I just- I just didn't mean to."

Cas tilted his head. "What happened is exactly what I was trying to achieve. Did you not want that?"

"No, I did!" Dean's eyes shot open. "I did."

Cas waited, his eyes narrowing. "Then what's the problem? You wanted it, I wanted it." He waited.

Dean swallowed and relaxed at Cas' words. "There's no problem." He reached to kiss Cas. "None at all."


	28. Chapter 28

Sam walked into the basement and looked up to the light, he had left it on before they left for Wyoming and it was still on now. He crept into the room and closed the door behind him.

He heard a little chuckle. "The Moose has returned to his den after today's hunt," he drawled.

"The Moose," Sam spoke as he pulled the shelf back and looked to Crowley, "just spent nearly nine hours in a car with an ex-angel who was bleeding when we took off and refused to let us stop to stitch him up."

Crowley's face fell as Sam disappeared to the left again. "What happened?"

Sam reappeared with scotch and glasses, as well as the cards. He put the things down on the table, his eyes lingering on Crowley tiredly before he turned to pull the shelf over again as he spoke. "Your demon, he threw Cas against a wall," Sam sighed as he turned towards Crowley, "and in the process threw Cas' knife into his arm."

"Deep?" Crowley looked up, searching Sam's face as the hunter leaned to undo Crowley's neck brace and then held out his hands for Sam to unlock from the chain.

Sam titled his head. "Could have been worse." He turned towards the table and opened the bottle to pour for them.

"I'm sorry." Crowley said, looking at the table but nodding in Sam's direction. "I gave you that demon because he's somewhat of an outcast."

"How so?" Sam narrowed his eyes. Had he been had? Was it Crowley's plan all along to hurt them?

Crowley stood up and took his drink before he paced inside the devil's trap. "He was working undercover, about twenty years ago, there was a spate of demon deaths so I sent him to find the source."

Sam's eyebrows lifted. "What, no going in guns blazing and eyes black?" He raised the glass to his lip but never actually moved it any further as he listened.

Crowley waved his hand back to Sam, whose eye line he was avoiding. "We tried all that, and found nothing. So, I switched it up. We did every incantation in the book to put him undercover as a hunter, he infiltrated this group and they started to bring him on jobs. Anyway, it took about two years before he got wind of an operation in Nevada of demon hunters. Highly trained, government funded-"

"Government funded demon hunters?" Sam repeated.

"Yes. Anyway, long story short, the idiot fell for the top brass." He turned and rubbed his forehead, facing Sam but still not looking at him. "Can you even believe it, one of my top workers, a demon, who's soul is so twisted he gives  _me_  the creeps," Crowley pointed to himself and downed his glass, Sam watched him then held out the bottle to fill it back up, Crowley let him but still didn't look at the hunter, "falls in love?" He exhaled and started greedily drinking the alcohol.

Sam thought over it for a second. "So, what?" He looked to the side. "You sent us to him because-?"

"Because he wasn't dangerous!" Crowley shouted, scotch on his lips and a little on the skin around his mouth. "He was screwing some idiot from Austin called Eugene!" He gestured his arms wide.

Sam burst out laughing and Crowley looked to him for the first time since he stood up. Crowley's amusement was cut short when Sam's laugh was, he didn't want to laugh, that was obvious.

"You're angry at me," Crowley stated then Sam sighed and lifted his drink up to his lips, taking his first sip as he turned around. "I honestly didn't think he'd be a danger."

"Did you see the size of him?" Sam muttered.

Crowley took a step towards the retreating Sam. "Is Cas okay?"

"He's fine." Sam faced the wall. "Dean's..." He sighed. "I don't even want to know what they're doing."

>><<

Cas winced as Dean pulled the thread through the skin.

"Sorry," Dean said, for the tenth time since he had started. He then proceeded to tie it, cut the end with scissors and put them back on the bed. "Done." He watched Cas stand to look at it in the mirror on his chest of drawers. "It's better to leave it open just now, gives it air," Dean stood, "encourages it to heal itself."

Cas looked at Dean in the mirror as he tucked his sleeve back down. "Thank you, Dean. And I am sorry-"

Dean waved his hand. "No, it wasn't your fault." He smiled. "If it gets infected though, that will be your fault." Cas looked confused as he turned to look at Dean properly. "You let it sit for nine hours without treatment."

Cas sighed. "I felt guilty. Besides, that ride would have taken a lot longer if it was not for your driving."

Dean took a step towards him. "Well, when someone is bleeding in my car and won't let me stop to stitch it I tend to break a few speed limits."

They laughed.

"You were worried," it wasn't a question, it was a statement from Cas.

"You're damn right I was. You were bleeding Cas, I didn't know how bad it was and neither of you seemed that bothered. I'm the one used to keeping calm and telling everyone to just go - you sat there as if it was a zit and Sam seemed to back you up." He shrugged. "I didn't like it, so I booked it back here. Sue me."

Dean and Cas stared at each other for a few seconds. Now, Dean wasn't psychic but since Dean had just been truthful with Cas then he knew Cas wasn't trying to get a read on what he really meant. He could almost see the inter turmoil. He was trying to decide something and if Dean didn't hold his gaze he knew that would be as good as deciding for Cas. So he stared right back.

"The waitress story," Cas finally said. "I think I'm ready to hear it."

>><<

They stood in silence as Sam nursed his drink and Crowley poured himself another.

"You know, I seem to have blacked out and missed the part where we got married," Crowley said.

Sam turned his head to look at Crowley. "What?"

Crowley leaned back on the table facing Sam. "You're mad at me for something, I've no idea what. You won't tell me and we're just sitting here quiet and drinking." He put the drink to his lips. "I don't even remember the last time you told me I was pretty."

Sam scoffed and turned back to the wall before pausing, smiling and letting his head fall. He slowly turned to look at Crowley who was smiling and drinking. "Well, maybe I would if you could be bothered to put the effort in."

Crowley lowered the drink. "Maybe I would if actually looked at me when we made love."

Sam stared for a second then looked to the side before a reluctant smile spread on his face and then he laughed.

"You're rubbish at this." Crowley smiled and took a drink. "I thought you'd at least present a challenge."

Sam slowly stopped laughing and walked towards the demon, standing in front of him and shaking his glass. Crowley leaned back, picking up the bottle from the table and poured Sam's drink, flicking his eyes up to meet Sam's for a second before filling his own and putting the bottle back on the table. "Weren't you married?"

If either of the men noticed that Sam hadn't moved from where he was stood they didn't let on.

"When I was alive?" Crowley asked. Sam nodded as he took a drink and Crowley shook his head. "No, do you really think if I was married I'd have made the deal I did." Sam laughed. "What would I use it for?" He laughed too as they took a drink. "Do you think..." Crowley hesitated, looking at the liquid in his glass. "... if we could rewind all those years back, so that Dean never turned up at Stanford," Sam's smile fell, "that you would have married..." He hesitated. "Her?"

"Jess," Sam croaked.

Crowley nodded. "Wasn't sure if you would want me to say her name." Sam clenched his jaw and turned his tongue over in his mouth, playing with the alcohol left on the inside of his mouth. "Do you?"

Sam paused and then nodded. "Yes."

"Do you blame Dean?" Crowley asked it before he could stop himself.

Sam didn't even seem phased. "At first, maybe." He nodded. "A part of me wished he hadn't turned up that night, wished he'd just-" He stopped himself. "But he didn't kill her."

"Neither did you, Moose," Crowley said.

Sam nodded disbelieving and Crowley stood up, closer to the taller Winchester, he watched the demon but didn't move, he didn't even look threatened.

"I'm serious, Sam." Sam looked over his face and down to his tie, for no reason other than it wasn't part of his face before he looked back up to his eyes. "You were not to blame for anything that dick did. Ever." Sam swallowed. "I know you don't believe it but," he sighed, lifting his drink again, "I had to say it."

>><<

Dean turned around on the spot. "Wow, way to catch a guy off guard." He laughed.

"I apologize, if you don't want to then-"

Dean turned back around. "No, it's not that. It's just, I forgot all about it and it's- I don't know how you're going to take it and we're getting on great now." He looked to the stuff left on the bed. "We seem to have finally mended something between us and, I mean it's a good story, from my point, but you might, I don't know, not take it that way."

Cas nodded. "I'd like to hear it anyway."

Dean nodded and brought his hands up to rub in his hair. "Okay." He turned to look at Cas. "Wait, I just gotta do one thing."

"Okay, take your t-" Cas was cut off because Dean had stepped forward and kissed Cas, his hands on the side of Cas' face, Cas let out a moan as he realized and let his hands grab at Dean's sides. As quick as it started it finished. Dean pulled his lips off of Cas but kept his hands there. "-time," Cas finished. "What was that for?"

Dean pushed his lips together. "You might not want me after this story so, one last kiss," he whispered.

"Is it really so bad?" Cas' brow dipped as he watched Dean pull away and taking a few steps.

"I don't know." He shrugged. "I don't think so but, can't be too careful." He clapped his hands together and turned to look at Cas. "Okay, here goes." He exhaled. "I took off in the car, I was driving down the highway and you know me, that car is like a limb to me." Cas nodded. "Everything that was going on in here, with- with you and me was driving me mad, my mind was doing so many one-eighties I was starting to get whiplash, man. So, I thought - me, my baby and some white lines, that's what always set me back on course."

Cas' face showed nothing but confusion at what Dean was saying, it seemed like riddles wrapped in metaphors.

Dean seemed to notice. "Uh, I thought that driving might clear my head a little?" Cas nodded and waited, the confusion leaving his face. "So I was driving and I lost track of time, eventually I needed to take a whiz so I pulled into a bar, I realized how hungry I was so I convinced the barmaid to make me a burger-"

"Barmaid," Cas muttered and looked down.

"No, Cas." Dean put his hands out and stepped forward, his hands came to Cas' shoulders. "I told you, remember, nothing happened between me and the barmaid. I just kinda turned on the charm to get a burger, that's all. I swear." Cas nodded and Dean's hands reluctantly fell from Cas' frame. "Anyway, after that I couldn't get rid of her until this guy comes in," Cas' eyes narrowed a little, " and she serves him. He musta sensed that I was getting a bit cramped by her so he kind of pretended we knew each other, like buddies, so she'd leave us in private. I had to charm another burger out of her for the privilege but anyway..." He took an inhale. "We got to talking and I told him about-" He gestured to Cas and paused.

"About me?" Cas eyebrows raised.

"Well." Dean swallowed, embarrassed. "Yeah. I told him about how I was confused about how I was feeling and that I wasn't sure if it was because you were a guy, you know, or because you were my friend. We talked about..." Dean stopped and looked to the side, before turning on the spot. "I don't know why this is so hard." He laughed.

"Dean, what is it?" Cas took a step forward, worried.

"I was fifteen, okay?" Dean rubbed his forehead. "I didn't even know what a crush was back then. Not really. I was a hunter in training, I was pretty much clueless about all of that. Chicks, they weren't even on the radar yet, well not really. I had other stuff to worry about." He turned back to Cas, but looked around him as he spoke. "I mean, my dad, wasn't exactly the sitting down and answering questions kind. Everything I learned, about proper stuff, I learned from Bobby. Half the time I didn't even have to ask him, I'd be having a crisis in my head and then in the morning there'd be a book on the top of a pile, strategically placed in among all of the research books."

"What kind of book?" Cas tilted his head.

"Like a book on puberty or phobias, like when we realized Sam was shit scared of clowns, there was a little book on phobias on the kitchen table the next morning, in with the Greek myth stuff. He knew we weren't a chatty kind of family, no chick-flick moments, so he knew that leaving me with a book for an hour was the best way to do it. But Dad, I couldn't ask him normal stuff. I was to look after Sammy and there was no time for big discussions so how was I supposed to understand what was happening to me?" Dean's eyes widened as if he was distressed by his own question. "No one ever explained it, from then to now."

"What happened?" Cas took a step forward, searching Dean's face with worry. "What happened to you, Dean?"

"I had a crush," he answered.

"And this distressed you?" Cas' eyes narrowed, he didn't understand.

"Well, he was dude!" Dean exclaimed.

Cas' mouth opened slightly as his worried expression faded. "Oh."

"Yeah, oh." Dean nodded as he turned away from Cas and paced the floor. "Davey," he clarified. "We lived in this crappy room in Georgia, Sam was at Bobby's and Dad started taking the woman across the landing out so we were left to hang out. After a while I felt weird. I didn't understand it, we'd be hanging out and it'd just get awkward. We'd just be like laughing and it would just end with us staring at each other." Dean rubbed his neck. "It shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. I didn't get it. I had crushes on girls before, didn't really understand them yet, but I knew I had them. No one ever told me it could happen with guys." He exhaled. "I got the hell out of there any time it got weird but," he shook his head, smiling, "I kept going back. I just, I wanted to see him, to hang out with him, to talk to him. We had-" He laughed. "God!" He looked up to the ceiling. "You won't know what I mean but there's this film, 'BIG' with Tom-"

"Tom Hanks." Cas nodded. "I am familiar with the film."

Dean paused for a second. "What?"

"Metatron gave me knowledge of all popular references. Carry on."

Dean blinked a few times. "Whatever, okay. The scene at the beginning with the walkie-talkies?" Cas nodded. "Well, we full on did that. We used to talk at night and everything." He seemed to think of something. "Wait a minute." He walked over to his closet and searched in it." Cas turned to look and watched Dean take a duffel bag out of the top, it was old, very old and worn. He dumped it on the bed and searched through it. "I think-Yep." He pulled out a red walkie-talkie. "Still got it." He looked to it. "It was by my bed when Dad told me we were leaving, I tried to tell Davey but," Dean sighed, putting it back in the bag and zipping it up, "he grabbed it off me and threw it in the bag." Dean put the bag on the floor and rounded the bed again. "I didn't understand then what I was feeling and before, when I took off, I didn't get it either. I..." Dean exhaled a sigh. "I just, I was scared."

"You said two kisses?" Cas asked, low and nervous.

"Yeah, I did." Dean swallowed. "Pete uh, he was talking to me, trying to help me figure out what was wrong. So, the bar closed and we were leaving, he asked me what I was going to do and I told him I didn't know so he uh..."

"He kissed you," Cas finished and Dean nodded. "Did you kiss him?"

Dean paused and Cas knew the answer. "Yeah, I did." It was said with such trepidation that Cas knew it was that fact that Dean was worried about.

Cas turned to look in the mirror again, at his arm. "Okay."

"I'm not going to stand here and make excuses, he kissed me and I kissed him back, he pushed me against the wall and I let him. He was making a point, when he pulled back he pointed out that what was holding us back wasn't that you were a guy but that you were my friend."

Cas paused and turned to Dean, his hand falling from his shoulder. "How?"

Dean looked to the side. "How what?"

"How did he make that point?"

Dean's eye didn't move from Cas' face, his eyes didn't change, his face muscles didn't even twitch but Cas read the panic perfectly. "Um." He swallowed. "I uh, well I mean, I was- I had-"

Cas watched Dean's hand lower in front of him and twitch as he spoke and he immediately understood what Dean couldn't say. "An erection." Cas' eyes lifted to Dean who hesitated again. "You can say it."

"Well yeah, okay I had an, um, that." He shifted on his feet. "But you have to see it from my point of view okay? We weren't together and you told me to forget about, told me you already had. I was out there, turning it over in my head, what the hell was going on and then this strange guy comes alone, someone I had no connection to, to just listen and then at the end of the night we could go our separate ways and I would never see him again. It was like," he shrugged, "a one night stand for my thoughts." He grunted. "I'm sorry, okay?"

Cas looked over Dean's face. "You're sorry?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah!"

"What exactly for?"

"For kissing him back, for letting it turn me on, for telling him what I should have been telling you, for walking into that bar, for freaking out in the first place, for not letting you walk away when you wanted to, for the angels falling, for every morning when you wake up to me shouting and sweating like an idiot, for not being able to fix heaven yet, for you getting sliced, for rebelling against heaven, for the leviathan, for the damn showdown with Michael and Lucifer, for Meg, for Claire, for Jimmy and for the day you ever met me!" he finished rambling, breathing loud and quick.

Cas stood taking in everything Dean had said, Dean was the first to look away, he looked to the ground, rubbing his forehead and tried to even his breathing.

"For taking off in the first place," Cas said and Dean looked back to his face. "That is all you have to be sorry for. I had a dream that you died, that you left in your car on some bender and crashed, that me and Sam watched a CCTV tape of you burning in a wreckage and all because I told you to forget about it, it was nothing. Of course it was something, it was  _everything_." His brow dipped, not in confusion or anger but in pain. "It was everything, Dean." He took a step forward. "For a hunter, you run away from everything, as if you are also being hunted."

"Old habits die hard," Dean muttered.

"He turned you on?" Cas asked, tilting his head.

"Well-" Dean stuttered.

"What did he do?" Cas walked forward and Dean took steps backwards until he hit the wall behind him. "Was it like this?" Cas brought his hands up to Dean's face and kissed him gently. "Hmm?"

Dean kissed him back. "Mm-nm." He lightly shook his head.

Cas pushed harder, pushing his tongue into Dean's mouth, letting his left hand fall to the wall. "Hmm?"

"Mm-hm," Dean hummed and brought his hand up to Cas' upper arm.

"Mm," Cas hummed too then pulled back. "And that turned you on?" Dean licked his lips and slowly nodded. "I'll need to remember that." He stroked his fingers through Dean's hair and then pulled. Dean let out a noise of surprise at the twinge as Cas exposed his throat and trailed his nose against Dean's jaw. "What was his name?"

"Pete," Dean muttered, looking at Cas who lowered his mouth to Dean's neck and started to kiss down it towards his shoulder.

Cas found himself inhaling deeply. He had no idea what he was doing, but knowing that someone else had been able to make Dean feel that way, that riled him. And not just anyone - a man. Something flared up inside him at the thought of someone kissing Dean like he just had. "Did he touch you?"

"No. Well, actually," Cas paused, his lips still touching Dean's throat and his fingers still holding Dean's head to the side, "his hand was on my jaw," Dean whispered. "That's it."

Cas let his left hand fall. "So he didn't, do this?" Cas rubbed Dean through his pants and Dean groaned. "This?" He bit Dean's neck and the hunter groaned again. "No?"

"No," Dean said, his breathing labored. "Cas-"

"Yes, Dean?" He rubbed Dean harder.

Dean moaned. "He tasted horrible." Cas' eyes flashed at the idea of Dean tasting him. "His tongue," he groaned when Cas' fingers tightened around his cock, "tasted like nicotine and burger." He chuckled and bit his lip. "Although, I like burgers."

Cas' eyes narrowed. Something twitched, Dean was enjoying this, he was trying to make Cas jealous.

"I lifted my hand to touch his face," Cas watched him lick his lips, "but he pulled away."

Cas' jaw tightened. "Did you?"

Dean reached out his right hand and touched Cas' jaw before grinning.

Cas pulled Dean off the wall and turned him before throwing him on the bed. Dean went, without anything more than a chuckle. "What's the matter, Cas? You're looking a little green."

>><<

"Nearly nine hours Cas sat there bleeding, refusing to let us stop and patch him up," Sam said.

"Stubborn bastard." Crowley leaned back and put his glass on the table beside him.

"Yep." Sam nodded. "Dean and he argued for miles, Dean saying he would pull over and hold him down, Cas arguing that, basically, he could take him. And do you know what I said?"

Crowley shrugged. "That Dean was right, that you needed to stop?"

Sam shook his head. "I said nothing."

"Nothing?" Crowley's head lowered and Sam shook his head. "You?" Sam nodded. "Why?

"Because-" He sighed. "Because I-" He stopped, running his free hand through his hair he leaned forward to put his glass on the table and then realized how close he was to Crowley. They just stared at each other. "I wanted to get back as quick as I could," Sam muttered.

"For?" Crowley asked, at the same level.

Sam stopped breathing. "Redemption." He almost didn't say it, in fact he wasn't sure he had said it out loud.

He and Crowley looked at each other, just staring and Sam was sure he was waiting for an answer he could never bring himself to say.

"No one will know," Crowley whispered and that was it.

Sam leaned forward, pressing their lips together. It seemed that their lips didn't move much, both of their brows were scrunched in what looked like pain and Sam remembered his battle with his feelings for Ruby. He remembered his last moment, the exact second his resolve broke and he gave in. This was nothing like that. It was easier, it was clearer. It made more sense.

That's when he felt the twitch of Crowley's lips, as if he was scared to want more. 

 _Yes_ , thought Sam,  _yes_ , he wanted more too. _Could they take it? Could they be allowed this?_

Sam snapped back.

_Pull away, right now, this was the King of Hell, he was being manipulated in some way, pull. Run, run far away. Use the knife upstairs and end this now, go and tell Dean what's happening, what he's doing. Stop this before-_

_Oh, shut up!_

He surged forward and kissed harder, Crowley immediately responding by grabbing Sam's shirt and pulling him in with his Devil's right hand.


	29. Chapter 29

Cas said nothing but looked at Dean lying on the bed, leaning up on his elbows.

After a few seconds Dean flinched when Cas slowly took a step towards Dean, for no reason other than he half-expected the staring match to go on longer. Dean did retreat though, using his elbows and heels on the bed to do so, but only because he was half off the bed as he was.

Cas crawled up Dean, hanging over him, staring into his eyes. "If he hadn't pulled away?"

Dean swallowed, lying didn't even cross his mind. "I don't know."

Cas nodded slightly, seemingly reassured, in part, by the honesty of the statement. Dean leaned his head up to try to kiss Cas but Cas nudged his head back, not far but enough that he was out of Dean's reach before he stopped. Dean then moved his right hand towards Cas' jaw and his skin barely felt the warmth of Cas' before Cas shifted his weight to his right hand and used his left hand to slam Dean's wrist into the bed prompting Dean to chuckle.

Cas' eyes narrowed looking down to Dean's lips as he licked them. He was filled with a feeling he had not felt before. No, he realized that that was so far from the truth it was ridiculous. He had felt it before but never had it been so painfully connected to his physical form. Then, as Dean's tongue flicked back in he saw his teeth lightly press into his bottom lip, something clicked in Cas' brain. Solid and heavy, as it he'd known all along and needed reminded.  _Dean liked this._  He liked Cas acting on this feeling burning inside him, he liked the aggressiveness that Cas was trying to control. He liked Cas' demands.

He leaned up and grabbed Dean's other hand to join it above his head with the other which he slid along the quilt to meet them in the middle. He was leaning on his knees and he had never felt the strain of denim against him until now. The burning sensation was filling parts of Cas, from his eyes to his crotch, from his teeth to his hands.

_Possessiveness._

Dean was right, when the kiss happened- a fresh spur of the hot green liquid cursed through Cas at the thought- when it happened, they were not together so Dean had done nothing wrong, morally or emotionally, but that didn't matter to Cas.

_Mine._

That's what he wanted to snarl. And it occurred to him right then, as he looked into those eyes, those damn eyes that changed color whenever they damn well felt like it, that he'd felt that way for a long time.

_Dean Winchester has been saved._

That's what he'd sent out the second that Dean crawled out of his box and the earth.

Cas thrust against Dean, slow and hard. Dean let out a little moan, his eyes fluttering.

Cas tightened his hands slightly to highlight what he was talking about. "Don't move them." Dean's eyes opened again, focusing on Cas with a flare. He read the thought behind them. _Request or demand?_ "It is not a request," Cas growled.

Dean inhaled and nodded slightly.

Cas kissed him slowly and then padding backwards on the bed he lowered himself on the bed halfway down, keeping Dean's eye contact the whole time. He looked at Dean's obvious bulge and then back up to Dean. He then brought his hands to Dean's pants, but made sure not to even brush Dean's cock as he unbuttoned them. Dean let out a sigh and extended his neck up to face the headboard more as he did so.

Cas looked up and watched Dean's fingers lying loosely curled upwards, they hadn't moved yet. He smirked to himself, he'd found a... what was it called... kink. Dean had a kink and it was one that Cas was more than happy and able to indulge. Dominance and aggression went hand in hand with being an Angel of the Lord. Even if he was human now, he was still an angel in his mind. A warrior.

He pulled the fabric roughly as he took them down his legs, as if their very existence annoyed him. And to be honest, it was starting too. He shoved Dean's boots off and let them go to roll off the bed before discarding Dean's pants. He looked right at Dean's expectant gaze as he dragged Dean's underwear down too, annoyed with them and still refusing to touch Dean's penis.

"You gonna get your pants off too?" Dean asked, clearly feeling exposed.

Cas just stared at him before reaching out and lazily starting to stroke Dean who let out a little moan. "What was his name?"

"Pete," Dean strained out as Cas picked up his speed. "Are you jealous?" He smirked.

"I'm going to wipe that smile off you face, Dean."

Dean chuckled, with a breathy hitch. "Really?"

Cas tightened his hand and watched Dean's close his eyes and bite his lip. "And his name from your mind."

Cas leaned forward and took Dean in his mouth causing Dean to gasp, he had not felt Cas' movement. "Fu..." He exhaled. "You-" He swallowed. "D'you want me to say  _your_  name?" He followed that with a moan as if it were the end of that sentence. Cas looked up as his head bobbed and his tongue moved around. "Is that what you want to hear, Cas?" Cas looked to Dean's hands, they were twitching but they never moved. Cas hummed around Dean and he moaned again. "I'll need to make you jealous more often." Cas sucked harder and he moaned louder, "Cas, fuck!"

Cas switched hands, leaving his dominant one free and swallowed around Dean who rolled his hips as his eyes closed, calling Cas' name again. Cas rubbed Dean's thigh and then slipped his index finger in the gap between his lip and Dean's skin to rub it along his tongue. He pulled it out and used the palm of his hand to push Dean's right leg to the side, opening him up.

Dean's eyes opened and he looked down. "Cas, what-?" He moaned. "What are you doing?"

Cas replied by trailing his finger down Dean's cock to towards the bed.

"Whoa, Cas!" Dean bucked his hips away from the touch, starting to sit up as he did so.

Cas removed his mouth from Dean, continuing to stroke him. "I told you not to move them." Dean looked up briefly to see his hands in mid-air, halfway to bringing them down.

Dean looked back down. "Yeah, but Cas, I don't-"

Cas met his stare, he could see the panic, the fear. "Dean, put them on the bed," Cas pushed. They looked at each other. Cas' face was serious but not in a twisted way, he wasn't forcing Dean, he was pointing out one thing - Dean was in control. There was nothing holding his hands to the bed except him. Dean didn't even blink and Cas backed out. His hand left Dean and he began to rock back to lean on his heels. "I apologize."

Cas wiped his finger on the bed and Dean watched him.

His voice wavered with slight uncertainty, "Cas."

Cas looked back to see Dean slowly lower his hands to the bed, staring at Cas. There was a deliberate exhale from him, his eyes never deviating from Cas'. There was a tiny bit of worry there but it was swallowed up by... Trust.

Cas just watched him go, a silent question passing to Dean. 

 _Are you sure?_  

When Dean rolled his hips ever so slightly to bring Cas' attention back to them Cas slowly lowered himself to the bed once more and Dean exhaled nervously until Cas' lips wrapped around him again. When they did his right hand stroked along Dean's stomach and thigh softly. It was a gesture of reassurance. He made no attempt to do anything else.

Dean started moaning again. "Cas." He closed his eyes to the feeling of Cas' tongue over his slit and the nudge of his head at the back of Cas' throat. "Dammit." His breathing was picking up again and he rolled his hips.

Cas pulled off, moving only slightly away. "His name?"

"Pete. Fuck- Cas!" Dean moaned when Cas' lips quickly sank down again. His eyes twitched when he felt Cas' finger but the pleasure was too much for them to open. Cas slowly pushed his finger in and Dean hissed through his teeth. The burn was swallowed down, literally because when Cas swallowed three times in succession it was all Dean could feel.

"Cas, God!" he called out then entangled his fingers and when the pulse died down he realized that Cas was pumping his finger in and out slowly. Then he was consumed by a sting of pain as Cas' finger was joined by another but he didn't even get a chance to react before Cas took him further into his mouth, wrapping his tongue around Dean and tightening his left hand a little. "Jeez-Cas!" Dean moaned louder, he could feel it starting to pull together in his abdomen.

Then Dean arched off the bed, his eyelids opening but his eyes rolling back as some kind of fire ran through his entire body, it was like lightening cracking and he could have sworn his entire body just snapped in half. His fingernails dug into his own skin and his heels dented the mattress. The electricity pulsed through him and just as it started to die down and his body sink, it happened again. Somewhere in the distance he felt something hot and wet tighten around him and there was a sudden rush from his stomach downwards.

" _Cas-_  Cas, I'm- I'm...!" He moaned louder than he ever had before and it broke him again as he came. " _Cas...!_ " It took him about four or five seconds to get the whole three letters out. When it died on his lips and the fire faded he realized his eyes were shut and he could feel a pressure somewhere but he didn't know what it was or where. "Cas," he whispered.

He lazily opened his eyes, realizing now that the pressure was Cas rubbing his hands gently and slowly up and down Dean's thighs. He felt them leave him, his body felt like a pile of goo, he couldn't have moved if all of hell had burst into his room right then. He wasn't sure if he'd ever move again. There were light dips on either side of him and he opened his eyes to see Cas looking down at him.

"What was his name?" Cas whispered.

"Hell, if I know," Dean breathed out and Cas smiled.

>><<

"Sam," Cowley pulled away to whisper.

The minute Sam opened his eyes to look into the demon's whatever spell was over them seemed to break right away.

"Shit!" Sam took quick steps back, Crowley's hand releasing his shirt, until his back hit the corner of the wall where the shelf usually joined when it was closed over.

"What the hell was that?" Crowley asked, it wasn't in his usual exclaiming tone of distaste or disbelief. It was a rasp that came from the back of his throat, his lips barely even moved. As if his brain asked it without his permission.

"You-" Sam pointed to Crowley, his eyes wide and frantic, his other hand pushing the hair from his face.

"I didn't do-" Crowley began.

Sam turned to fumble out of the door. "No," he whispered to himself.

"Sam, Sam the bottle," Crowley called holding the bottle, cards and glasses out. Sam spun around, snatching them from the demon's hands. He disappeared to the left and Crowley heard a clunk as Sam dumped the bottle and cards in the box, a little of the liquid left in the glasses spilling on the ground as he burled around and tried to push the shelf over, using his back. "Sam?"

Crowley watched as the shelf was shoved over, rocking as it settled, sticking out a little, and he heard Sam's footsteps quickly fade out, the light snapping off.

He looked down to where he was still leaning on the table with his handcuffs on, he turned his head to look at the chair and then pursed his lips together. "Bloody hell," he whispered.

Sam took the stairs two or three at a time, he had no idea which, he ran through the corridors and slammed his door closed, he leaned against the door briefly before running to his dresser and pulling it over to the doorway. He banged it up against his door and shoved it once more for good measure. He then bent his knees and trailed his hands down the wood as he came to kneeling on the floor. His head was bowed and he closed his eyes to the sounds of his blood pulsing in his ears.

>><<

Dean hadn't even noticed Cas swallowing, in fact he couldn't have even pinpointed reaching his orgasm really. He knew he had but he had just felt a flash of electricity, he had missed the tightening of Cas' throat and the fix of his eyes on Dean's face.

Dean looked up as Cas wiped his hand on the cover, leaned over the bed and picked up Dean's clothes before he put them gently back on the bed beside the hunter. Dean leaned up to take his underwear, as he bent up his knees to pull them on he watched Cas spit into his left hand and wipe his right fingers before roughly wiping them both on his jeans as he stood.

"You alright?" Dean asked, knowing the answer.

They flinched when they heard a door slam, both of them looking to the doorway but when no other sounds came Dean looked back to Cas who had glanced to Dean to see if he was going to run off before he turned his head to look at the wall again.

Cas just nodded and leaned on the dresser with his right folded arm. He used his left hand to wipe his forehead and lowered it to the wood again. "I hope that was..." he trailed off as if he couldn't even think of his usual way of wording what he meant.

Dean knew what he was asking. "I lay there, didn't I?" Cas nodded again and Dean exhaled as he flicked his waistband, snapping it against his skin and reached for his denim pants, shaking them over the side of the bed as he burled on the spot to stand up. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Cas' left hand came up to his forehead again and he pushed it so hard that when he attempted to rub the skin his hand jumped along with the friction.

"Cas, look at me." Cas didn't. "Cas?" He looked down. "Does this really bother you, this whole uh-" Dean looked to the side, genuinely forgetting the guy's name. "-kiss thing?" Cas turned his head to look at Dean as he spoke. "I don't know what would've happened, Cas, but I can tell you whatever it was I would have regretted it. I _do_ regret it."

Cas paused as Dean stood into his jeans and shuffled them up to rest on his hips unbuttoned. "You do?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I mean I know I didn't do anything wrong against you, not really." Cas shook his head slightly. "But, that kiss, that was meant for you." Cas turned more towards Dean, his forehead crinkling in confusion. "I've always been the same guy, Cas. Car, rock 'n' roll, booze and chicks." He shrugged. "That's who I am. Even now. Ain't no changing that, but  _this?_  This isn't some pick up in a bar, this isn't a piece of ass catching my eye as it walks passed the table, Cas. We have something I can't put my finger on, don't get me wrong, you catch my eye but- but," he stuttered, not sure how to word it, "dammit, Cas, you caught my stomach first."

Cas tilted his head a little.

"Shit," Dean ran his fingers through his hair, "look at me, I'm _talking_." He chuckled nervously, knowing he was screwing it up. "But, there's nothing I can think to  _do_ that'll show you what I mean but, what- what I'm trying to say is that this between us goes deeper than a roll in the hay, Cas. Way deeper than I knew existed outside of chick-flicks. And because of that I wish that I could say that this is something we've walked into together and only together."

Cas blinked a couple of times. "I don't-"

"Dammit, Cas!" Dean looked to the side. "I wish I could say that the only guy I've ever kissed was you." He shrugged. "That's- that's what I mean. I feel like I've shit all over this by kissing him."

Cas chewed his lip. "Hundreds of years, Dean. Hundreds and hundreds of years I have existed and yet," he shook his head looking at the floor again, "I had never experienced something like this until I met you."

"I know that." Dean nodded. "That's part of my point."

"No." Cas looked around to him again. "You don't understand. I don't mean our romantic relationship." Dean swallowed, blushing a little. "I mean, this feeling."

Dean paused, taking a step towards Cas. "Jealousy? It's human nature Cas, it's actually kinda nice." He shrugged. "Don't tell anyone I said that."

A smile twitched onto Cas' face. "It runs deeper than that, Dean." He exhaled. "From the minute my essence gripped your arm and soured up, I've felt this..." He gestured his hand to his chest. "This, heat." Dean's head turned a little. "And it's not physical heat, I can't pinpoint its location in my body but it's there. It's more than jealousy, it's..." He inhaled and looked to Dean, eyes almost scared.

"Tell me," Dean answered the question Cas never actually asked.

"Possession," Cas admitted.

Dean's mouth opened a little, in shock Cas would guess at first but he was scared that it was disgust too. "Cas-"

"I know," Cas screwed up his eyes, "I know it's weird and, you probably think it's 'rapey'," he used air quotes, "or something, but I can't help it. At first I interpreted it as the bond that instantly connected us, as it would when an angel goes into hell and saves a soul. I was so confused after I raised Sam's soul from the cage, I thought I would feel the same for him but I didn't."

"Good." Dean nodded once, jaw fixed.

Cas hardly even heard it. "I didn't go down there, Dean, it wasn't an order. I raised him by power, for my own ends. Your rescue was written into my coding the minute the order was given to me. So, when he called for me, when he asked my help, I couldn't face him, partly because I was ashamed of what Crowley and I were doing but also because I knew that if I did not feel the same when I set my eyes on him than I did when I looked at you then I was broken."

"Broken?" Dean tilted his head to see Cas better, not moving.

"It was the only explanation I could come up with. But now, now it's evolved into much more, that's assuming I haven't always felt like this and just subconsciously held back. There's something inside me that just yearns to claim you and I don't know why or how but it's there. And I'm sorry."

There was a silence and Cas heard Dean shuffle.

He stepped forward, into Cas' space, and Cas turned his head slightly. "Don't act like," he whispered then licked his lips and Cas' eyes drifted down to them, there was that same look in Dean's eye when he looked into them again, something akin to a fire sparked, "you don't know me." Cas looked over Dean's face as he slowly turned around to meet the Winchester, they just stared, again.

Dean smirked and then turned to walk away.

Cas' eyes narrowed. He did know Dean, he did. And now, again, he _knew_ something else, something he had known for a while that was only just presenting itself as relevant. Dean liked dominance, Dean liked jealousy, Dean liked displays of power, and Dean liked possessiveness.

Cas stalked up behind him and Dean, hearing the footsteps, turned to look at Cas as he backed towards the wall. His back was an inch away from it when Cas stopped. "Cas, we've talked about this." Cas waited. "You're in my personal space."

Cas lifted his hands to the wall and took another step forward as he placed his palms there, making Dean's back hit the wall. "So?" He leaned to kiss Dean and Dean could not have been more receptive. He almost whimpered and Cas almost laughed, Pete had nothing on him.


	30. Chapter 30

Sam slowly turned around where he was and sat on the cold floor, leaning his back on the wood of the dresser that was still up against the bedroom door. He looked to his right, there was a couple of spots of scotch on the floor beside him, he looked to the slight shine on his hands and thought he must have spilled some as he threw everything back in the box. He banged his head against the wood and squeezed his eyes shut before trying to rub the memory from his lips.

>><<

_"I said get on the table!" Alistair shouted at Dean, pointing to it._

_"I'm going!" Dean shouted back and slowly climbed up onto it, lying down. "Why the fuck am I-?"_

_"I'm sick of your complaining," Alistair said calmly. He then nodded to the woman at the door and she disappeared again. "Outside," he said and the pair left, Derino pulled the door over as he spoke._

_Dean heard the door lock and sat up, when he spoke it was a whisper, "Okay, they're gone. What the hell is going on?"_

_Alistair grabbed Dean by the throat and slammed his head down on the table. As Dean squirmed, gasping and confused, he felt straps tighten around his limbs. His eyes moved to the left when Alistair brought his face down to Dean's. "Exactly what I said." He let go and left Dean's sight._

_"Alistair, I don't understand."_

_There was metal scraping from the side and Alistair chuckled. "Relax Dean, it's just like riding a bike." There was a sharp pain and Dean yelled out._

He sat up in the bed shouting in pain.

"Dean!" Cas shot up and scrambled to the hunter's side. "Dean, look at me." His hands went to Dean's face and he turned it to look at him. "It's me, you're okay."

"Fuck," Dean breathed out and then inhaled quickly.

"Dean, focus." Dean blinked a few times. "Wake up." Dean exhaled as Cas' face emerged from the darkness and he felt the heat on his back. "You're safe."

Dean nodded. "Yeah." He exhaled.

"Yeah?" Cas asked, looking over Dean's face.

"Yeah." Dean nodded again. "Sorry." He leaned to kiss Cas once. "Sorry."

Cas responded to it. "I told you, don't apologize." Cas' eyes moved over Dean's face and they kissed again.

Dean exhaled and smiled when Cas looked at him confused. "I'm really hot." He flapped his hands in front of his face then moved them to his back.

"I'll get you something." Cas pulled the covers back and made to stand.

"No, Cas, I wasn't saying-"

"I know." Cas leaned on the bed and cupped Dean's face for a moment. "I'll be right back." Dean nodded and let Cas go. He walked out into the corridor and towards the bathroom. He glanced to Sam's room door, noting the dull light from underneath, as he passed it on his way back to the room with a wet wash cloth. When he got inside, he closed the door over and went to the bed. "Lean forward."

Dean sat forward on the bed and Cas kneeled behind him, Dean let out a sigh of relief when the damp fabric touched his skin. "Mmm." He smiled as Cas rubbed up his back and over his shoulders. "That feels good."

"You sound like you didn't expect it would," Cas said.

Dean let out a chuckle, recognizing the response. "That was a crazy night."

"How so?" Cas' brow scrunched a little as he rubbed up Dean's neck.

"I wasn't really expecting what happened. I just, I came to you for..." He sighed. "Comfort, from my dreams and I came away with more than I bargained for." He leaned his head to the left and Cas rolled the fabric up to Dean's hairline.

"Do you regret that too?" Cas' stomach folded a little, the thought of Dean regretting what happened the way he regretted that kiss twisting his insides.

Dean shook his head right away. "Uh-uh." Cas scooted forward on the bed and placed a kiss to Dean's shoulder as he pushed the wash cloth over it and down his front. "No way," he added. "I remember lying there playing out what would happen, I thought that either you'd tell me it was just a bit of fun and that the world didn't just stop because we dry humped, or we'd talk about something more serious or we'd just kind of act like it didn't happen."

"And which one did you want?"

Dean inhaled. "If you have to ask me that, Cas." Dean's head fell back to Cas' shoulder as he continued to wipe over Dean's chest. "I should have told you that then. I shouldn't have rolled over and gone to sleep, man." He sighed. "And I should have called you out the next morning when you started about fun. What was that about, Cas?" He turned his head to Cas.

Cas seemed taken back. "I told you, I was scared of being hurt. Being the one left on my knees, bleeding and trying to find the strength to pick myself up."

"You mean emotionally, right?"

"Yes, Dean." Cas looked down at what he was doing. "Emotionally. I know you would never physically hurt me." The image of the hundreds of dead Dean's flashed through Cas' mind and he squeezed his eyes closed to try and force them away.

Dean saw it and lifted his hand to take the cloth from Cas. "I'm sorry, Cas. What can I do to put this right, this whole Pete thing?"

"Dean, you have nothing to put right. You were confused, you were-"

"Screw that, Cas!" Dean bounded off the bed and stood in his underwear, walking away to the end of the bed. "It's you, man. It's always been you but I can't say it's  _only_  been you, can I? Don't get me wrong, I'm not a sap or into all that 'we made love' crap you see on TV where people put sex or kisses on big pedestals like they mean this big thing but dammit, this means something. To me anyway! It shouldn't and I kinda hate that it does, but it does. And I can't change it, it's like I gave my virginity to the wrong person and I wish I could take it back and give it to you! And do you realized how stupid that sounds to me?" He turned to look at Cas as the former angel moved from where he was sitting and rose from the bed. "It's all my doing too, if I had just worked on the car like I was gonna instead of taking off, or got drunk-"

"Dean, we kissed before that." Cas stood and walked around to face him.

"Yeah, but I was in a daze and it didn't feel real and I wish I had just stopped," he gestured his arms wide staring at Cas, "looked in your eyes, pulled you to me and slowly kissed you. But it wasn't right!" He turned away, looking to the floor.

"Dean, we kissed before  _that_."

Dean turned to look at Cas with confusion. "What?"

"You don't remember?" Cas narrowed his eyes. "The night we got drunk, we kissed."

"What?" Dean shook his head. "Cas, don't just lie about shit like that to make me feel better. That's not cool."

Cas rolled his eyes and walked to Dean, he knew there would be only one way to convince Dean - to show him. So as he got to him he pulled Dean with him to the floor. "Whoa, Cas!" Dean fell with him, straddling Cas. "What was that for?" He looked down at Cas on the floor, Cas reached up and brought his right hand to Dean's cheek. "What are you doing?" Dean paused, looked from Cas to his arm.

"Touching your cheek," Cas whispered.

"I got that, why?" Dean answered, annoyed at having fell hard on his knees and his palms which he had put out to stop his whole body weight falling on Cas.

Cas looked in Dean's eyes. "You know why." There was a second of confusion on Dean's face before something felt familiar. His brows knitted slightly. "Help me up," Cas said suddenly.

Dean didn't question it, he was distracted by that feeling of... something. He slowly stood before putting his hand out to help Cas up, as he had pulled Cas about halfway Cas seemed to pull back on Dean a little, causing them to stumble. Dean's right hand shot out to the dresser and his left wrapped around Cas' back. "I gotcha." Dean felt Cas' hands on his upper arms and looked into the man's eyes.

Then it was there.

_They stopped, looking at each other again. Dean slowly let go off the wall. Cas' hands had grabbed Dean's shoulders and he couldn't help but stare at Dean's open mouth. His lips were slightly swollen and his face flustered, as far as the bathroom light would let him see. Dean's hand slowly came up to Cas' face, just resting his thumb on Cas' chin the side of his index finger underneath._

_"Dean, what-"_

_"I don't know," Dean whispered, he looked in Cas' eyes who couldn't help but look down to Dean's lips and that's when Dean leaned in. Cas closed the rest of the distance and the kiss they shared was one and soft._

_They pulled back to look each other in the eyes but neither could help but look down to the other's lips._

_"I really need to pee," Cas whispered and Dean started laughing._

_He pulled back and looked down as he let Cas go. "Sorry."_

_"Don't be," Cas said and they shared a smile before Cas disappeared into the bathroom._

"Cas," Dean breathed out. "We- I-"

Cas nodded slowly. "Yeah, you did."

"Well, uh... When did you remember?"

"Do you recall the morning that Sam was hunting that demon and he called you, it was after the shower... thing," Cas admitted.

"Yeah," Dean answered, neither of them had moved.

"I had dreamed about it and woke up that morning with the memory of it all. The fall, touching your cheek, the kiss, and how we went to sleep."

Dean swallowed. "I moved the covers for you to sleep beside me." Cas nodded. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought about it but I wasn't sure if you remembered or not. And then with everything happening, I wondered if it was relevant."

"Relevant?" Dean's eyes widened. "Cas, of course it was!" He smiled a little. "I kissed you."

Cas smiled. "You seem to have a habit of it."

"I prefer addiction." Dean let go of the dresser and placed the hand on Cas' jaw. "I have a question." He rubbed his lips together. "If you hadn't had to pee?"

The smile on Cas' face spread. "I don't know." Dean's hand traveled down Cas' face until just his thumb and finger were on and under his chin. "Why don't we find out?"

>><<

Dean was whistling when he went down to the archives the next morning, he walked in heavy and heard nothing.

"Moose?" Crowley chanced.

"Squirrel," Dean corrected.

"Where's Sam?" Crowley said.

Dean's head turned. "Around the base, why? And since when do you call him Sam?" Dean walked over to the shelf.

"Is he alright?" Crowley sounded genuinely worried.

"Why wouldn't he be?" Dean's tone changed.

Crowley paused. "I have another name, I think he forgot." Crowley winced as he said it, there was a chance Dean wouldn't believe it.

"What's the name?" Dean asked.

"Samantha Bridgeton, Beloit."

Dean nodded. "That's a bit closer to home."

"Well, I heard the last one didn't go entirely as planned." Crowley bit his lip. "Sa- Moose came down here, gave me a bit of a rollicking and demanded another name in exchange." Dean's eyes narrowed. "Tell Cas I'm sorry."

Dean blinked a few times. "Are you on your period? You're being all hormonal."

"I never meant for any of you to get hurt, what does that achieve?"

Dean nodded. "Alright, I'll tell Cas."

"Dean?" Dean turned. "You hit that yet?" Crowley tried to sound like normal.

Dean chuckled. "Wouldn't you like to know?" He swept a file from the shelf and disappeared.

"That's a no then." Crowley shrugged to himself, sniffing. He was lying on the table staring at the ceiling.

>><<

Dean went into the main room and felt happy enough to check up on the name himself, Cas was sitting at the table reading some rubbish he had found at the back of one of the shelves. It wasn't even research, it was a damn fairytale but he seemed happy so Dean left him to it. Eventually, when Dean was satisfied, he pushed himself from his chair with an exhale.

"What's wrong?" Cas looked up.

"Nothing." Dean smiled. "Seems legit, I'm gonna find Sam and get this show on the road. You game?" As he spoke he leaned his ass on the table and looked at Cas sat with his book on the table in front of him.

"Yes." He nodded and looked back to his book.

"What's the book?"

Cas lifted it and read the front, "The Devil with the Three Golden Hairs."

"Any good?" Dean was smiling at Cas and the former angel felt a little suspicious.

"So far I have found it enjoyable," he said with a small nod.

"Good." Dean nodded then licked his lip.

"What?" Cas smirked a little.

"Nothing." Dean shrugged and lifted from the table. As he did so he leaned down and kissed Cas once, they pulled apart just an inch before Dean smiled and leaned back up. He pushed Cas' head playfully as he walked away.

Cas smiled and turned the next page of his book while softly shaking his head. "I have created a monster."


	31. Chapter 31

"Sam," Dean said as he approached the door and knocked. No answer. He banged on it. "Sam, come on, get your lazy ass up we got a case."

Nothing.

"Sam?" Dean's head lifted, spidey-senses tingling. "Sammy!" He rattled the door knob.

"Go away!" Sam shouted from the other side of the door.

Dean inhaled at hearing Sam's voice. Alive but sulky. "What the hell's the matter with you? The name Crowley gave us checks out, come on."

"He gave us another name?" Sam sat up in his bed, looking to the door.

"Yeah, he told me about you going down there and going all Hulk on his ass for what happened to Cas." Sam's brow twitched. "I appreciate that by the way, Sammy. Having Cas' back like that." Dean shuffled on his feet. "Come on, she's an aerobics instructor in Beloit, she might have some student you could bone."

"No." Sam lay back down and pulled the blanket over him.

"No?" Dean's eyebrows raised. "What the hell is going on Sam?" Nothing. "Sam?" Still nothing. "Sammy, answer me." He rattled the door handle. "God, it's like you're twelve all over again." Dean kicked the door half-assed and walked away.

Inside the room, the dresser was still up against the door, the plastic cups were still on the floor and Sam was in the fetal position under his blanket, blocking out any light. "This can't be happening," he said to himself, almost in prayer.

Dean marched down the hall and into the kitchen. Cas was reading something, in the corner of the room. He looked up when Dean stormed in huffing and puffing to himself before he threw the fridge door open and pawed random things in the fridge. "What's wrong?"

"What's ever wrong?" Dean grumbled. "I have a pain in my ass and it's about six foot four with long hair."

"Are you referring to Sam?" Cas put his book down on the counter.

"He's in his room, won't come out, won't talk to me." Dean sighed. "It's like he's going through puberty all over again." Dean began his attack on various foods. He started taking lids off jars to smell the contents and poking at stuff in open packets to determine if it was dead or not, or had come back to life. "I have a good mind to go in there and drag his lanky ass out to the car, hate when he gets like this," he stopped to sniff some mustard, "he's so stubborn, he won't do anything until he's gotten over whatever it is."

Cas let out a little chuckle and Dean looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I apologize." Cas cleared his throat. "It's just, _you,_ describing anyone as stubborn is just..." He smiled. "Funny."

"Screw you, I'm serious," Dean mumbled, finally shutting the door and Cas realized this wasn't a matter that he could make go away by making Dean laugh. "I'm gonna go drag him out of there." He walked away.

"Whoa, whoa!" Cas ran after him and pulled his hand to stop him. "Dean, wait." Dean turned with a sigh. "You just said yourself that it's no use, he won't listen to that."

"Yeah, but-"

"Dean." Dean clamped his mouth shut, with attitude. He ignored the feeling of Cas stroking his hand in his. "Is he in danger?" Dean shook his head. "No, is he putting you in danger?" Dean shook his head again. "No, so can't we just let him work it out? Let's go gank this demon together and when we come back if Sam's not out of there I'll help you drag him out myself."

Dean looked over Cas' face while he ran his tongue along his teeth the way people do when they're mad but they know you're right. "He's behaving like a kid."

"Well, then treat him like an adult," Cas countered. "Force him to grow up."

Dean narrowed his eyes briefly. "Fine." He pointed to Cas. "But if he's in there when we get back-"

"I promise I will help you get him out." He shrugged. "Somehow."

Dean lowered his hand and nodded. "Fine, whatever. Let's go."

>><<

Sam pulled the dresser out the way enough that he could open the door, which he did slowly and quietly. He then slipped out and to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and locked it. When he turned the water on he slipped under it and closed his eyes. Then he hung his head forward and let the tears fall. The feeling of having no control over his life and mind was returning and he couldn't deal with it.

When he was finished he stood at the sink and stared in the mirror.

_Such anger, Young Skywalker. Who are you really angry with? Me? Or that face in the mirror?_

Sam clenched his jaw and let his face fall into his hands.

>><<

Dean pulled up outside the gym, the drive had only taken an hour and he had enjoyed it. Looking over and seeing Cas' leg bobbing up and down to the song coming from the speakers. The window had been open and the tiny hairs at the front of his hair whipping around in the wind.

"This is it." Dean gestured his head to the gym up across the road.

"What is the plan?" Cas asked as Dean turned the engine off.

"This is pretty public," Dean looked around, "we need to get her somewhere private before we gank her."

Cas nodded looking over Dean's face. "Yes, I suppose it would cause quite a scene to just go in there and," he leaned forward and pushed Dean's hair to the side idly, "kill her in front of everyone."

Dean's eyes raised to watch the movement and they followed Cas' hand as he lowered it again to his lap. "Did you just mess my hair?"

Cas smiled. "The wind did, I was fixing it."

Dean leaned in the middle to check it in the rear view mirror, turning his head this way and that. "Mmm." He sat back again. "I believe you." He smirked and looked back to the gym. A woman appeared at the window in a pink leotard. "That's her." Cas looked as she put her leg up on the bar before leaning on it to stretch. Dean's head nudged back a little. "Bendy," he muttered and Cas looked to him. Dean shrugged. "Alright, let me think." He looked to the dash, trailing his car key over the folds in his left hand.

Cas could see that look in his eyes. He had an idea but he didn't want to say it. "Dean," Dean looked up, "just say it."

Dean looked over Cas and smiled, knowing he was almost transparent. "I was going to suggest that you hide in the bathroom, I get her in there and then we gank her."

Cas nodded and reached for the door handle. "Sounds good, which bathroom?"

"Mens." Dean followed him out of the car. "You sure?"

Cas fixed his coat and gave Dean a 'don't be silly' look. "Dean, this is hunting." He sighed. "That doesn't change just because we're..." He trailed off, turned and crossed the road, patting the back of his jacket where his knife was.

Dean watched him. "We're what, Cas?" he whispered to himself.

He leaned against his car and decided to wait a few minutes but after about 30 seconds his phone rang. He took it out and looked at the caller ID. One ring from Cas, just like Sam. Dean smirked to himself and tucked it away as he ran across the road. He jogged up half of the steps then walked the rest of the way up to the door and opened it.

He did the looking around part of the skit that gave the impression he didn't have a target. He looked to his watch and looked in the rooms as he walked the corridor. Then he ducked his head in the room he wanted. "Excuse me?"

The woman turned to look at Dean, her leg still on the beam. "Yes?"

"I was looking for the kids ballet class?"

She looked confused. "That's not until tomorrow."

He sighed and looked up. "Dammit, got the wrong day again." She looked at him, still confused. "Sorry, my kid, I promised I'd go to his class but his mom, she won't tell me when it is so I have to kind of guess." He chuckled.

"He?" she asked.

Dean walked into the room. "Yeah, my son, he's six." She smiled. "Oh, because it's ballet?" He chuckled. "Yeah, most people think I should be bothered. If only they knew," Dean stopped in front of her, "I was the one that convinced his mom to let him go."

"Really?" She smiled.

As she looked up at him, trying to pretend she hadn't taken a quick look of his body, and was now looking in his eyes Dean felt something hit his stomach. As if he had swallowed a rock and it was just now falling to sit in his abdomen. He felt sick, he felt genuinely sick.

He had a plan going in here, gym women were a different breed. He thought back to Lisa, the usual charm never worked on these kinds of women. Sure some of them liked the cheeky guy who said it how it was, who was forward but not in a leering way, in a 'don't try to pretend you don't see the way I'm looking at you, you can almost see what I'm thinking about doing' way. Dean was used to getting slapped from women in bars that he had misjudged and said too much but women who worked out? Women who could tie themselves in knots, the self-defense classes and yoga and zumba mob? They could kick his ass. For these types of women you needed one of two approaches - you made them laugh or you went extra sensitive, appealing to their need for a good guy. Dean couldn't explain why but for this one he went for the sensitive guy, he thought he'd play the single dad vibe, the broken childhood dreams, the 'I wish my kids mom was more like you, you know? Oh god, that sounded creepy, I just meant that he would have someone to teach him this stuff.' Then the pause and wait for her to smile, which they would, with a little look to the side as they got a little embarrassed. And then he'd add the 'And I never would have let her get away from me, if she looked like you.' And the home run. 'I'd even have been watching that brother of mine.' Boom. Out of the park. Sensitive, heart-broken, single dad, cute, cheesy, betrayal on both sides and standing in front of her.

Dean didn't know how that'd go down. If she seemed hesitant, Dean would ask for her number, give her a reason to believe he wanted more than a quick fuck right there. Then she'd wonder, where would they even do that anyway. He asked for directions to the mens room. Bingo. She'd follow him, and grab him and they'd be halfway to going at it when Cas striked.

Cas.

Dean rewound the whole thing in his head and he had to stop himself from taking a step away from her. The thought of her touching him, kissing him, pulling his clothes off. Dean swallowed. No, he didn't want that.

"Yeah, he uh-" Dean scratched his neck, feigning embarrassment. "when I was a kid my dad never let me do anything, you know. I wanted to be a dancer." She widened her eyes. "Yeah, but my dad, he was all, nope, gotta be a mechanic and learn to shoot." He shrugged when her smile fell. "That's over with but if my kid wants to do ballet then he's doing ballet, I don't care what his mom says. She was just like my dad anyway."

"How so?" She tilted her head and Dean thought of Cas, he preferred his head tilt. Hers was at an awkward angle, like she'd snapped it. It wasn't cute, it wasn't endearing and it didn't make Dean want to smile. He wanted to leave, he damn sure didn't want her to touch him. For the first time in his life the thought of a blonde-haired blue-eyed bendy chick with a nice rack was a burden.

_Just get through this and get back on the road, dammit._

"She didn't want me doing any of that either, I had to be a man. You know." He chuckled. "Sorry, I don't even know you and I'm rambling away my life story." She put her hand on his arm and Dean fought the urge to shake her off. "You must just be one of those people who are easy to talk to."

She smiled and rubbed the fabric of Dean's jacket. "Must be."

He licked his bottom lip and took a step back. "I guess I'll come back tomorrow, then."

Her hand trailed down Dean's arm. "Yeah."

"Maybe I'll see you," Dean said, and smiling a little.

She smiled back, her eyes lighting up. "Maybe," she replied.

"Anyway, it was nice meeting you. Oh! Um, do you know where the men's room is?"

"Turn right, at the end of the corridor."

He nodded and smiled before looking her up and down with approval then disappearing out the door, biting his lip a little. As soon as he turned his smile dropped and then it was back as he passed the glass windows of the room. He turned to look in and smiled a laugh, looking away, when he saw her looking at him. As soon as that was done with he exhaled and stormed for the restroom. That was not how he would have normally done it but the thought of touching her was just, it felt weird.

He swung the men's room door open and looked around, listening for sounds. "Cas, you in here?" he whispered.

"Yes," he whispered back and Dean knew he was in the end stall.

"Get ready." He turned and looked in the mirror, turning the water on and ran his hands under it, rubbing them together as if washing them when the door opened. He turned his head to look at the woman in the mirror as she walked in. "Uh, this _is_ the men's right?" She laughed as she shut the door behind her. "Or did I mess that up, too?"

She shook her head. "No, you're right."

Cas' hand tightened around the knife and he slowly stepped down from the bowl. Being as quiet as possible.

"I never got your name." She stepped towards Dean and smiled wider as he grinned.

"I never got yours." He turned and suddenly realised that no matter what happened there was a chance she'd see Cas, either over Dean's shoulder or in the mirror. He panicked, thinking about Cas lying on the ground in Wyomming, the knife slicing his arm but this time, worse. "So, do you always walk into men's rooms after idiot dads?"

Cas' brow furrowed. _Dads?_

"Nope." She bit her lip. "But there's something about you, so I'll make an exception."

"Whoa, wait," Dean said as she leaned to kiss him. "Wh- why don't we go into a cubicle, huh?" He gestured to the door and Cas froze in the middle of the aisle. "Anyone could come in."

She laughed. "Sure."

When she made to turn around Dean knew this was the last chance he'd have of this going to plan so he pulled her forward into a kiss and started walking her backwards. She hummed and wrapped her arms around his neck, she moved her right up and ran it through Dean's hair. He used his hands on her waist to guide her backwards, his eyes were open so he saw that look on Cas' face as he came into sight, pushing her towards the former angel. He didn't have time to focus on it but he saw the look in Cas' eye. He gestured his eyes to her and Cas took a step forward, the knife in his left hand and his right out ready to catch her.

Dean pushed her off with enough power so that she stumbled backwards. Cas wrapped his hand around her mouth and thrust the knife into her, Dean hardly noticed her flash orange because he was staring at Cas' eyes. He was watching Dean the whole time, and even Dean flinched when Cas took the knife out and plunged it back into an already dead demon.

>><<

Sam walked back into his room, pushing the dresser enough away that the door could open and walking to his closet. He pulled the towel from around his waist and used it to dry his hair. He leaned to switch the docking station on as he stood completely naked, picking at an old scar on his thigh which had started to pull inwards for some reason. The green light came on and Sam's iPod lit up as it picked up from the last song Sam had started listening to.

_And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when..._

Sam froze on the spot, a hand holding his towel to his head and another pinching the scar on his thigh.

_I'm stuck in Folsom Prison and time keeps draggin' on..._

He remembered hearing Crowley's voice singing his own weird version of the song. He remember a hand running up his thigh. He remembered a suggestive look.

_You see something, you want it, you take it._

He remembered a hand touching him softly and briefly while someone elses moans filled the room. He remembered a kiss. A kiss that he instigated.

Sam swallowed and just looked at himself in the mirror. He was hard as a rock. And shaking. Terrified.

>><<

Down in the dungeon Crowley exhaled and leaned his head back against the wall.

"I know I had it comin', I know I can't be free," he sang and then exhaled again staring at the shelf door in the darkness Dean had left him in. "Who says I want to be," he muttered then shook his head, screwing up his eyes, as if trying to shake a thought. But he just ended up looking like a dog. When he stopped shaking that dog's eyes were back on the proverbial doggy door.

>><<

The boys jumped back in the car and sped away, Dean had told Cas to take his jacket off before they left the bathroom because he was covered in blood. Cas had it rolled up in his lap.

"Cas?" Dean flicked his head to the side, glancing between Cas and the road. "You okay?"

"Yes," Cas answered stiffly, still looking ahead.

Dean sighed heavily and drove for nearly half an hour before he was fidgeting in his seat. He refused to stop, he wanted to get back to the bunker, everything was simpler at the bunker. In the dead of night when Cas would wipe his forehead and tell him everything was alright, when Dean would go to sleep holding Cas and wake up with space and Cas didn't mind. He let Dean have his space and yet he stayed there, just right there on his side of the bed. Dean could reach his hand an inch or two depending on what way Cas was facing and he'd be there. He'd be safe. The bunker was where Dean felt safe.

Cas turned his head to look at Dean who was getting more and more agitated as he drove. "Dean? Do you need the bathroom?"

Dean pulled in up ahead so quickly Cas had to put his right hand out to stop himself hitting the door. He had pulled into a parking space outside a burger joint. Dean fumbled for the door handle and yanked it open. He bounded out and walked towards the back of the car. Cas turned his head to watched Dean storm up to a light post and kick it before resting his right palm on the cool metal and hitting his forehead off of the back of it.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit," Dean chided himself.

Cas sighed and slowly got out of his side of the car. "Dean, can we please get back to the bunker?" Cas gestured to the car.

Dean shook his head. "Yeah, just give me a minute." He hadn't heard Cas get out of the car, he didn't know Cas could see him or hear him as his words returned to a whisper and he didn't hear Cas slowly walk around the car towards him. "Idiot, idiot, idiot," he said.

"Dean?" Dean jumped at the sound of Cas' voice so close and turned. "What's wrong? Did I do it wrong?" He gestured to the car and Dean turned to look and then realized that Cas was referring to the demon. "I did what I thought you told me to."

Dean closed his eyes tight. "No, Cas. No, you didn't do it wrong."

"Then why do you look so angry?" Cas' brow scrunched. "What did I do?"

Dean let out a noise, with a shoulder shake, which Cas couldn't tell was a sob or a laugh. "What did you do?" Cas nodded again. "Dammit, Cas. Why do you have to be so-?"

"So what?" Cas asked, confused. What had he done to hurt Dean?

"So perfect!" Dean shouted and then pursed his lips together.

"I don't-" Cas started.

"Everything Cas. You don't ask me about my dreams, you give me space, you _handle_ me without even groaning about all my little weird freak-outs or whatever. I mean, you pulled my ass outta Hell for Godsake and then there was Purgatory and all that shit. You were all for taking off when Sam was ill. I was brushing you off that night and you were all 'if you think I'm leaving you you don't know what you mean to me'" He gave Cas a 'what the hell look'. "And all the stuff you've been saying to me, and-" He groaned and brought his hands over his face. "I did it again."

Cas took a step closer. "Did what?"

"I kissed someone," he answered and Cas seemed to understand. "I'm a hunter," he gestured his hands wide, "it's what we do. Sometimes I gotta do," he gestured to the car, talking about the demon, "that!" He brought his hands back in and gestured between them both. "And we know that and even though we have this thing going on - which by the way, while I'm on it, what the hell is this, what do we call it? - we know that sometimes I have to be that guy and you let me and-" He groaned again. "Dammit, why did you let me?" Cas stared. "I'm not saying why did you let me to put the blame on you, I mean I _wish_ you hadn't let me. I wish Sam had got his ass out his room and he could have done it and then I wouldn't have had to kiss her-"

"Why did you?" Cas asked and Dean didn't even miss a beat.

"-Because where we were standing she would have seen you coming and then she tried to turn away when we were walking so she would have seen you that way too and I just saw you lying on that floor in Wyomming and I panicked and I thought - one kiss for Cas' life, damn straight - but that look in your eye, Cas." He squeezed his eyes shut and bent his knees a little as he hit his palm off his head. "I will never get that outta there."

"I already told you-" Cas started, and when Dean opened his eyes Cas was looking at the back of Deans car. "When it comes to me you can have anything you want."

Dean paused and lowered his hands slowly. "I don't want to do this." Dean shook his head.

Cas nodded. "That's your choice." He looked at the ground. "I won't mention it again." He walked towards the car.

"Hey whoa!" Dean took a step and grabbed Cas' arm, the angel stopped, his arm extended backwards, but he didn't turn his head. Dean saw his jaw move slightly and he swallowed. "Not us. I don't want to be going in places and playing the carrot." Cas slowly turned his head to look at Dean. "Let me guess, you don't understand that reference?" Dean let his arm go.

Cas turned it over in his head then slowly reached out and pushed Dean's hair back as he took a step towards Dean. He almost smiled when Dean's eyes closed to the touch. "Was she any good?" Cas whispered.

Dean chuckled and opened his eyes, licking over his lips exaggeratedly. Cas' eyes went down to the movement and wondered if he was tasting her. "I'm not really into chewing gum."

Dean gasped when Cas pulled his hair a little and then he smiled as Cas brought his face close to his. "Do you want me to wipe that smile off your face again?" Cas whispered. Dean made a noise that took Cas a second to realize came from his throat, it was a groan, and he nodded. "Say it."

"Yes," Dean whispered, grabbing hold of Cas' shirt.

Cas' lips trailed along the skin on Dean's cheek as he spoke. "Ask."

"Cas, please." Dean licked his lips. "Not here, though." He laughed and opened his eyes, well aware a couple of people were looking at them. They were inside the joint so couldn't hear them but they could see. "Cas, people are looking."

Cas' eyes flickered to the window then he looked back to Dean. "Then ask quickly."

Dean bit his lip. "Cas, babe, please," he said breathlessly. Cas' eyes showed the shock at the endearment but Dean didn't see it as he closed his eyes again. "Please."

Cas slowly pulled Dean in for a kiss and the hunter lapped it up. Cas had gone in for a soft one but Dean wrapped his hand around Cas' head and his other pulled at Cas' hip. "Later," Cas whispered as he pulled back. He then fixed Dean's hair again. "I promise."

Dean nodded and they turned away, Dean couldn't help but look in the window to see if the people were still watching. He didn't want to admit it but the fact that people saw Cas' possessive moment made it all the hotter. Dean was his, as messed up as that was, and these people knew that. Even if they might have been a little concerned for his welfare.

Then something caught Dean's eye. It was two people sitting in the window on the other side of the door to the boys, staring, open-mouthed. A guy and a girl, both of them had food halfway to their mouths and had stopped.

"Charlie?!" Dean shouted then looked to the boy across from her. "Kevin?!"

Cas stood behind Dean staring at the pair.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, as far as I know Cas and Kevin have met before this, but Cas and Charlie haven't. I'm not sure if Kevin and Charlie have met so I'm writing this on the basis that they haven't. If they have met before the angels fall (since that is the point that my AU kicks in) then please tell me and I will alter this chapter to fit.

Dean looked to Cas as they walked inside the fast-food joint, getting a few strange looks after their display, and headed to the table that Charlie and Kevin hadn't moved from. They had, however, eaten the food they had had halfway to their mouths, which were fries.

Dean stood in front of Kevin, like a pissed off parent with his hands on his hips. "Where the hell have you been?!" He sat down in the chair next to Kevin, staring at him. "Well?"

Cas took the chair next to Dean and smiled briefly to Charlie before looking to Kevin.

"Dean-" Charlie began.

Dean put his hand out to her, without looking away. "I'm not talking to you, just yet, kid. I will get to you." He lowered his hand to the table. "You haven't answered me."

Kevin pretty much gulped. "I've been with-" He gestured to Charlie.

"Oh." Dean leaned back, his expression unchanging. "Well, that's alright then. It's not like I was going out of my mind or anything." He gestured his hands wide. "Not as if us three were looking for you," he looked to Charlie, "both of you. It's not like we tried calling you, tried to make sure you weren't dead!" He shouted and grabbed Kevin's shirt, to pull him close. "You left the key outside, anyone could have gotten in."

"Dean-" Kevin started.

"Dean, that's enough." Charlie reached out and took Dean's hand, trying to pry it from Kevin's shirt. Dean exhaled. "Let him go." Dean stared at the prophet.

"Dean," Cas said, looking at the hunter. Dean slowly looked behind him to Cas. "People are looking." Cas said pointedly.

Dean looked around briefly then back to Kevin before letting him go slowly and Charlie's hand left his. "Come on." He stood. "We need to leave."

Kevin looked to Charlie who nodded and they stood, putting their things in the bucket before leaving the joint and standing in the car park. Dean wondered how he'd missed the little yellow car when they'd pulled in but he had been a little preoccupied.

"Cas, you ride with Charlie, Kevin come with me," Dean said. When Kevin looked to Charlie he sighed. "I don't trust you not to take off." Charlie nodded then headed for the yellow car a few spaces away.

Before he could move very far Cas gently took Dean's arm and Dean looked over his face. He turned and nodded to Kevin who walked towards the Impala.

"What do I say?" Cas asked. "She may ask about what they witnessed between us."

Dean sighed and looked down. "In all honesty, Cas. I don't know what _I_ would even say so just, just tell her that she'll know when we do or something." Cas nodded and as Dean when to move his grip on Dean's arm tightened, just slightly. Dean stopped and looked at Cas who just smirked then let him go to walk away. Dean had to clear his throat before he walked over to the car where Kevin was standing waiting, looking at the ground. Dean idly wondered what the hell was wrong with him that even _that_ from Cas was enough to get his motor running. When the hell had that happened? He always knew he was a bit of a kinky sonofabitch but _that_? And when did he become so okay with it?

He didn't let it linger in his mind though, he had to drive back to the base.

Deal with Kevin, deal with Charlie, and deal with Sam.

And then everything else.

Dean and Kevin got into the car without saying anything.

Cas and Charlie got in just as quiet but not as tense, Cas was nervous and Charlie was nervous too, but for different reasons.

"Uh," she eventually said, "so um..." She scrunched up her brow. "You're the angel."

Cas suddenly remembered they had never been introduced, he'd heard the boys mention her, even before Sam mentioned the angel tracking, but he had never met her.

"Ex," he corrected and she looked confused. "I fell from grace."

"Because of you and Dean?" she asked as she pulled out of the car park, watching as the Impala sped ahead.

"No, I..." He shifted in his seat.

"You don't have to tell me if it's painful." She sensed, glancing to him.

"It's fine. I was trying to close Heaven, Metatron, another angel and the scribe of God, told me that we could close off Heaven, effectively trapping all the angels inside and forcing us to sort out the civil war that had started amongst us." Cas inhaled shakily. "But what we were _actually_ doing was destroying Heaven, he stole my grace and his ritual caused all of the angels to fall."

Charlie's face showed pain. "Jeez, that's major suckage." Cas nodded. "So, you're a regular human now?" Cas nodded again, looking to his hands. "Where's the asshole that did it?"

Cas shrugged. "No idea, I'm not really in any place to help fix anything so..." He shrugged again.

"Are you okay though?" she asked and Cas looked at her confused. "I mean, you must be going nuts. Feeling a little like Superman in a constantly state of Kryptonite and then remembering it all..." She exhaled.

"It is a lot to deal with but I have no other choice." He smiled wearily. "And for the record, God does not care about man lying with man."

"What about chick on chick?" She smiled to him as they pulled into the base.

Cas smiled back. "No, he does not care about that either."

Dean and Kevin were silent as the four of them wandered into the base. The pair hadn't said a word since they got into the car and Kevin still looked like a school boy who was waiting for his telling off. They got inside and stopped in the middle of the place, all three of them watching Dean burl around with his hand on his forehead. Cas placed his balled up trench coat on the table and Dean looked to it. It was still covered in blood.

"I will go and get Sam," Castiel aimed at Dean. "I believe this will make him leave his room."

Dean nodded briefly and Cas disappeared, he moved fast towards Sam's room, afraid of leaving Dean too long. He got to the door and knocked a few times.

"Sam?" Sam groaned in his bed, not loud enough for Cas to hear. "Sam, I know you want to be left alone but we killed the demon and picked up a couple of people on the way." He waited, hoping it would intrigue Sam.

"People?" came Sam's voice. "What people?" Cas didn't answer, he just walked away. "Cas?" Sam slowly sat up. "Castiel?" He heard nothing.

"Where is he?" Dean asked when Cas reappeared. He was leaning on the back of a chair staring at the table, he turned his head to the side, to Cas entering, as he spoke.

"He's coming," Cas assured. "I will..." He gestured back the way he came.

"Cas," was all Dean said, he lowered his head as he said it and Cas understood. _Stay._

He let his hand drop and when he heard footsteps he walked towards the other side of Dean and just stood behind the chair next to him.

Sam appeared, showered, shaved and yet in yesterday's clothes. "Charlie?" He seemed surprised then he looked to Kevin. He inhaled quickly. "Kevin." He slowly rounded the table, towards Kevin whose eyes widened a little. As Sam came closer, he took a step back. Sam then quickly wrapped his arms around the prophet. "Where the hell have you been, man?"

Charlie smiled as Kevin eventually hugged Sam back.

"Answer the question," Dean said to the table.

Sam and Kevin pulled back to look at Dean.

"Dean-" Sam started.

"No," Dean leaned up and pointed to Kevin, "he left! He just upped, left the base," he gestured outside, "left the damn key outside, the whole world was ending. You nearly died after trying to shut Hell-"

"What?" Kevin and Charlie said together.

"-which you two would have known if you hadn't high-tailed it anywhere but here." He pointed to Cas. "All the angels fell, Heaven's going through a major refurb under new management, he was in pieces," he gestured to Cas again, more pointedly, "then he takes off," he gestured his head to Cas that time, "I get him back then we get here to find the damn place empty." He pointed to Sam. "Then he takes off. Eventually I get them both back in here and everything's going fine. Then we try to call you." He looked to Charlie. "Nothing, not even a quick text." He put his hands through his hair. "Anything. I would have appreciated anything, but did you not think I would have appreciated a little 'oh heads up, I'm with Kevin by the way, you know, the only remaining prophet on the earth. The last link to Heaven-"

"So you don't care about me, you just want your link!" Kevin shouted to Dean.

"I don't care about you?" Dean gestured to himself as he walked behind Cas to the head of the table towards Kevin. "You think I care that you're a prophet? You think I give a shit? There are hundreds of pissed off ex-angels running around looking for him." He gestured to Cas. "I gotta protect him from a bunch of dicks with wings who don't have wings anymore, I have to protect him," he pointed to Sam, "from whatever poison that ritual left in his body and it would make protecting you from a bunch of psycho 'celestial beings' looking for a way, any way, back home, or even revenge, a whole lot easier if you would have stayed in the base, like I told you!" Dean's face was red, redder than anyone had ever seen it. He was breathing harsh, he was like a cartoon the way he was inflating and deflating so exaggeratedly.

"You took off too," Cas whispered.

Dean turned to look at him. "What?"

"Yeah, you did," Sam countered. "You just jumped in the car and left."

Dean looked to Cas and a look of betrayal passed his face. "That was completely different."

"No it wasn't," Sam shot back.

"Yes it was!" Dean leaned over the table.

"How?" Cas asked, calmly.

Dean turned back to him. "You know how. I freaked out because of- because- because of us," he finally said.

Cas shook his head. "It's the same thing. You got scared so you ran away, you left me and Sam thinking the worst. You think that because you automatically take the burdens of everyone around you that no one worries about you in the same way." He looked to Kevin. "You should not have left." He looked to Charlie. "And you shouldn't have ignored them." Then he looked to Dean. "But you should understand why they did."

Dean stared at Cas, inhaling and exhaling. Just staring. Cas' look wasn't malice, he wasn't trying to shoot Dean down in front of them, or undermine him, he was trying to get him to calm down.

 _They are alive, they are here and they understand now. Maybe you should try to do the sam_ e.

Dean's head and eyes flicked to Kevin for a second. Then to the table where Cas' coat sat. "Okay." Dean looked to Cas.

Sam smiled a little and looked to Charlie who looked the most shocked he's ever seen her then glanced to Kevin who had the same look on his face that he did when he was dealing with the whole prophet thing.

Dean nodded as he turned. "Fine." He looked to Kevin. "I get why you took off," he looked to Charlie, "I get why you didn't tell us." He looked between them. "But I'm still pissed that you freaked us out like that."

Charlie nodded. "Fair enough. I'm sorry."

Dean nodded and looked to Kevin as he spoke, "Um, me too."

Dean exhaled and nodded to himself. "Sam, catch the kids up."

Sam nodded and walked away towards the computer board. Charlie and Kevin hovered before following. Dean watched and then walked away towards the kitchen.

Cas watched Sam, he didn't seem very upset or in trouble. He wondered what had kept him in his room. Then Cas looked back to the corridor and followed Dean slowly. He sensed that Dean expected him to follow and he toyed with the idea of not doing so, to teach Dean a lesson, but as far as he was concerned they had a score to settle. He pulled at his t-shirt. Dean had been giving Cas t-shirts to wear when he was getting uncomfortable in the shirt and tie and this one was his favorite so far. It was black and had the Metallica logo on it, he had seen Dean wear it to bed and for him that was the best thing about it. That's when Dean's guard was down and he entrusted his soul to Cas.

"What was that?" Dean asked right away, leaning on a counter with his arms crossed. "Were you trying to embarrass me?"

Cas seemed taken back. "No, I was trying to make you see reason. They're here now, you know as well as I do that moments spent mad are risky and a waste. It's resolved and we have a lot more to be dealing with."

Dean looked over Cas, his eyebrows raised and his arms fell. "You're right." He rubbed his forehead again. "Course, you are."

Cas leaned on the counter facing the doorway, opposite the hunter, and looked over Dean. "You look tired."

"I'm just..." He blew out. "Stressed. Different thing completely."

Cas nodded. "Come here." Dean paused, looking up to Cas who widened his eyes. "Dean, I said come here."

Dean hesitated but walked the few steps to stand in front of Cas who opened his legs and held his arms out to pull Dean into a hug. The hunter went, not as reluctantly as he should have he knew, but it was nice. He would deny it if anyone ever asked him but it was.

Back in the main room Sam was explaining, "So Metatron cut Cas' grace out and used it to evict everyone from Heaven. We think that's why the machines went nuts."

"Is that what that was?" Kevin's eyes widened. "That shut down the whole base, I freaked the hell out, man."

"How did you get out?" Sam asked.

"That would be me." Charlie smiled. "He called me-"

"I found her number on your laptop." Kevin explained then looked around. "Well, it might be Dean's. It had Anime on it?"

"Dean's." Sam nodded. "Definitely Dean's."

"I hacked it from outside," Charlie said and Sam's eyebrows lifted. "Yeah, it was really hard. Took me like, a day." She nodded. "But we kind of double teamed it." She gestured to Kevin. "It didn't see us coming."

Sam looked at Kevin questioningly. "I'm Kevin freakin' Solo, man." He shrugged and Sam laughed.

"After that we got the H-E-double L outta here, we had no idea what was going down but we didn't want to wait around to find out so we hopped a couple of states, hacked in some funds-" She put her hands out. "From like Douchebags Incorporated, not some charity, and thought we'd wait it out."

"So, why didn't you answer the phone?" Sam asked.

"Dude, that could have anyone, after the shit we've dealt with and what Kevin said, I was taking no chances. I thought we'd wait like a few more months then maybe start leaving breadcrumbs for you two." She shrugged. "We didn't really have a plan beyond - stay alive."

Back in the kitchen Dean had settled his head on Cas' right shoulder. "If you tell anyone about this I will gank your feathery ass," Dean mumbled, feeling himself relaxing.

Cas laughed then ran his right hand through Dean's hair. "I won't." He inhaled sharply. "But I'm not feathery anymore." He smiled. "All plucked."

Dean snorted. "Still an angel to me." Cas smiled and Dean cringed. "I mean like, the power and authority thing. Not the chick-flick thing." Cas smiled wider. "You're still my Cas."

"Am I?" Cas asked, stroking down to Dean's neck. Dean nodded and shuffled a little as Cas moved his right leg in between Dean's. Cas trailed his hand down. "Good." He trailed his hand over Dean's shoulder, down his back and to Dean's hip, pulling him towards him, making Dean's crotch grind into his thigh.

Dean let out a little sigh with the surprise of the jolt that jumped through him. "What are you doing?"

"I promised to wipe that smile off your face," Cas answered, pulling Dean in again. Dean's right hand grabbed at Cas' t-shirt as his mind was slowly being clouded by the pleasure ebbing up inside of him.

"Here?" Dean asked, some confusion lacing his voice but he let Cas move his hips. He felt Dean growing harder and he answered the call himself. Dean was so confused as to why it was working to turn him on but he couldn't bring himself to argue or do much of anything actually.

"Yes." Cas thrust his leg up a little to rub against Dean then stilled it. "And you're going to do all the work." He pulled Dean's hip in extra hard but moved his left hand to Dean's face, Dean's left hand grabbed a hold the counter behind Cas. His other hand tightened in the middle of the Metallica logo too.

"Cas-" Dean choked out. There was a number of things he wanted to say right then - can't we go to the bedroom, why is that hot, why have my feet planted themselves to the ground and why are my hips moving on their own? But he definitely wanted to say the angel's name. That was above the rest. "C- Cas."

"Don't stop until you come," Cas told him.

When Cas didn't get an answer he leaned and kissed Dean, the Winchester moaning into Cas' mouth before he pulled back. Dean didn't even follow his lips, as if he couldn't have tried to focus on anything but his hips if you had put a gun to his head.

"Yes?" he asked and Dean lifted his head to nod, giving Cas a chance to kiss the left side of Dean's neck. "Faster," he mumbled, electing to abandon kissing Dean's neck because the angle was uncomfortable.

Dean picked up the pace and moaned in his throat, closing his mouth. He dropped his head back to Cas' shoulder and Cas breathed a moan himself, which seemed to spur Dean on.

"God..." Dean breathed. "What am I doin'?" He asked himself in a hushed breath, he was dry-humping a former angel in his kitchen, that's what he was doing. Even worse that that - his thigh! He felt like an animal humping it's owner's leg. And why the fuck did he like that? "Fuck."

Cas ran his left hand through Dean's hair and ran his right around to Dean's ass and cupped it before pulling it in as his left tightened in Dean's hair. "What you're told," he answered.

Cas smiled when Dean choked out his name and sped up. Cas had no idea what he was doing either but he was going by Dean's reaction and at that moment, Dean was reacting like he'd never come before. He was thrusting quickly against Cas and the former-angel knew that if Dean wasn't using his strength to hold himself up he'd be going a lot faster. Dean's other hand came up from the counter, grabbing at Cas' elbow, then the underside of his upper arm so Cas grabbed it and wrapped it round his neck before holding Dean's waist that time. It gave Dean something to pull against and pull he did. He used Cas' neck for leverage and even bared his teeth as he ground harder and faster, breathing heavier and louder, Cas' name fell from his lips quicker and shakier. Dean gripped his neck and Cas felt his nails bite at his skin.

"Cas, I'm nearly-" Dean managed and then dipped his head to Cas' chest.

That's when they heard it.

_Footsteps._

Dean looked up to Cas, panic in his eyes but lust on his hips. He didn't stop and Cas felt himself get harder. He really did like this and Cas idly wondered how far that went.

Cas tightened his grasp on Dean's hip. "Don't you dare." Dean looked down, a moan escaping as if he knew Cas was going to say that and he was thankful for it. Cas leaned into Dean's ear. "You're not into chewing gum but you're into this, aren't you?" Dean nodded. "Fuck, Dean." Cas moaned, he had been concentrating so much on Dean that he had ignored how turned on he was but right then he knew Dean needed an extra push. He brought his lips right to Dean's left ear, so they touched and he let out the tiniest laugh, it was cocky, it was rough and, according to Dean, combined with what he did next, it was hot as hell. "Come for me."

Dean groaned while his hips stuttered, his eyes shut tight and his nails digging harder into the back of Cas' neck, then he came. It was long, longer than it should have been or he wanted it to be with the impending danger coming along the corridor but Dean felt a whole bunch of tension flow out of him at the same time. When it stopped it was like he had been lifted from a curse. His head was still tilted forward, his hair tickling the front of Cas' neck, his hand behind Cas' neck, his left in Cas' t-shirt and his breathing calming down. The footsteps became even louder. Cas stepped to his left and away from Dean who was pretty much frozen where he was, except his hands fell to the counter where he leaned. Cas walked to the corridor and turned his body to the left to get passed the three coming towards them without anyone seeing his boner.

"Dean listen, Charlie thinks they can hook it up," Sam said as he opened the refrigerator door and the pair stood awkwardly at the bench table in the middle.

"Great," Dean strained. He was stuck to the spot.

"Dean?" Cas shouted through.

"Coming!" he shouted and winced. He turned to the right and went around the table so his back was to the three then angled to his left as he got to the doorway to really make sure he wouldn't be caught.

"Hey Dean?" Dean stopped dead in the doorway at the sound of Sam's voice and he looked to his left, keeping his body facing out of the doorway. His brother put his left hand out, palm up, his right fist out, extending his thumb downwards. He touched the thumb to his open palm and twisted.

Dean spun back around. "Bite me, Sam." He walked away towards the main room and to Cas' voice. "I am not under the thumb," he muttered, hearing how unconvincing it sounded.


	33. Chapter 33

When Dean got to the main room Cas was leaning over the table reading something. "Yep?"

Cas lazily looked up then realized that Dean was talking to him. "I was just giving you an excuse to walk away."

When Dean's face showed confusion Cas nodded to Dean's crotch, so he looked down to see a dark patch forming.

"Aw jeez," he muttered and then covered it with his hand and stormed away embarrassed.

He got to his room and slammed the door before spinning on the spot, his hands going up to his head.

"What am I doing? What am I doing?" he asked the empty room.

_What you're told._

Dean let out an in voluntary groan as his eyes closed. He shook his head.

"No," he stated.

He shook his head again.

"This isn't happening," he told the room.

He roughly kicked off his shoes then pulled at the buttons on his pants, his shirt annoyed him so he threw that off too.

"Nope," he reiterated as he shook his head with a tight jaw as he pushed the fabric down and sat on the bed to pull the pants off, hooking them over his ankle.

He thought back to the last time he panicked about his kinks.

"Why did she have to suggest it?" Dean asked the room then threw the pants on the floor. "I mean, why did I _agree_?!" He gestured to the room.

_Women's underwear._

He shook his head as he stood and took off his underwear.

_Why was it so hot? He knew he liked it when the people he had been seeing, for however short a period of time, got a little possessive. Who knew that Dean would have a thing for Christian Grey, huh? But this was taking it to extremes. He knew he liked a little... direction... in the bedroom. There was nothing like forgetting what was outside the door and letting someone call the shots but Jesus! He'd just humped Cas' leg._

_He. Had. Just. Humped. Cas'. Leg._

_And when those footsteps approached, he could not ignore the flash inside him. It was hot, knowing that he was seconds away from being caught. Seconds away from someone seeing how base he was, how sick he was. And it just made it a hundred times more so that they never caught them._

Dean bent his leg up, one by one, to pull his underwear off. He then looked around the room, he knew he had something in here.

He froze when there was a knock at the door. It didn't wait for an answer, it creaked open and then, then-

Dean's head nudged back in surprise. It was a hand, poking in and waving a wash cloth at him.

"I assumed you'd forget," came Cas' level voice, as if he wasn't even aware of how screwed up they both were.

Dean inhaled silently and stepped towards it, taking it slowly. "Thanks," he said.

He had wanted to snatch it, to be mad. But he couldn't. It was sweet, it was thoughtful, it was needed, it was... Dammit, it was gentle.

Now he _was_ mad.

Dean pulled Cas' arm and yanked him inside the room, slamming him against the door as he closed it. Cas' face was surprised and a confused. "What the hell is this?" He waved the wash cloth around in front of Cas' face.

"It's a wash cloth," Cas answered, a little of his confusion showing on his face even though his voice stayed unaffected.

"What for?" Dean spat.

"To clean your-" Cas gestured then snapped his head up when Dean pushed him against the door again. "Dean, I-"

"Don't give me that. Just what the hell is going on here?" He looked over Cas' face. "What are you pulling?"

Cas blinked a few times. "Dean, I don't understand. I apologize-"

"What for?" Dean's eyes seemed to sharpen, yes he wanted an apology but he wanted to know what it was for, just what exactly was Cas doing that he needed to apologize for?

"For stepping over the mark. If that's what I did. I was just trying to help." He suddenly began to stutter as Dean leaned back, trying to think of the last time he'd heard Cas stutter, if ever. "When I heard your door close and-and not the bathroom I figured-"

No, Dean couldn't think of a single time that Cas had really stuttered when he was talking, at least not to Dean.

Dean pushed away from the door with a grunt, still looking at Cas as he took a step back. "You're apologizing for giving me the cloth?" he asked, irritated.

Dean gestured it again and Cas slowly nodded. Dean turned away from Cas, then he turned and threw the cloth towards Cas, it hit the wall next to Cas' head. The former-angel flinched to his left away from it but it wouldn't have hit him anyway. Dean always hit where he aimed. Dean turned back around and walked towards his bed.

"I don't understand what's happening to me." He leaned his hands on the end of the bed and hung his head.

There was a few moments of silence before Cas finally relaxed from the wall. "Dean, I-" He went silent for a second, trying to figure out what to say. "Did you not want what happened in the kitchen?" Dean lifted his head. "Because I'm sorry if that's the case, I-" He stopped when he heard Dean laughing. "Dean?"

Dean looked over his left shoulder at Cas then laughed again. "Did I not want it?" Cas nodded. "Yes, Cas. Yes, I wanted it." He turned to face Cas. "I wanted that more than I thought I could want anything sexual." He sighed and rubbed his face with his left hand. "That's the problem."

Cas just looked confused. "I don't- Since when are sexual desires a problem?"

Dean pursed his lips together. "It's messed up, you get that, right?" He looked at Cas. "To be turned on by that shit?" Dean pointed to the door. "That- I mean, I knew I was messed up." He gestured to his chest, both of them completely ignoring how naked Dean was. "I've been knowing that for a long time, and I keep getting reminded, but that? That is some weird shit."

He licked his lip, looking over Cas. The man was staring at Dean's eyes. He had not moved down Dean's body, he had not even looked at the guy's neck never mind elsewhere.

Dean continued, "I mean, that scene outside the burger joint? If I was watching that I'd be tempted to follow that dude for a few miles and see if that guy was in trouble."

"Why?"

"Because, Cas. Because, it's abuse!" he shouted and Cas' brow jumped tight as if it hurt to hear that. "I mean," Dean sighed and calmed a little, "it's _not_ abuse, you're not abusing me because it's different. Abuse is someone acting on someone else, doing shit to someone without their consent and hell, you got my consent. I've never given my consent more in my life, Cas. And that's messed up." He pointed to himself. "I'm a freak."

Cas turned on the spot and leaned to pick up the wash cloth then he stood again, playing with it in his hands as he spoke, and not turning back to face Dean.

"Dean, I pulled you from Hell, I pieced your entire boy back together. There is not a single atom of your existence I don't know like my own." Dean got a tingle up his spine. "So believe me when I say, you are not a freak."

He kept playing with the cloth, looking at it with deep concentration and Dean had to take a double take.

_Hold on a minute. Hold on, why isn't he looking at me. Like he always does, like I'm the only thing in existence he cares about, but even at all. Does he think I'm a freak and is just saying all this? Is he mad? Is he leaving? No, course he's not. But why-_

Cas continued all the way through Dean's thoughts, "There are certain things you derive pleasure from that you have been deprived of in life. Following instead of leading, relinquishing control instead of taking it, letting yourself give into what you really want instead of putting your wants and desires on hold for your family or for the next person who needs saving-"

_-isn't he looking at me? Why hasn't he looked over me? I'm naked for godsake, if he was naked like this I'd be lapping it up. I won't even deny it. The way he usually looks at me, with those eyes, even before we fell into this situation, he always had me heating up under those damn blues, like I wasn't worth them. Why do I suddenly need them so much? When did that happen? Fuck._

"-and having someone who claims you, not in an abusive manner, in a way that lets you know that you are wanted, that you are important. That you are more than a guy and a smile. That you, Dean Winchester, are worth fighting for."

Dean swallowed. "Claims me?"

Cas bowed his head. "I didn't mean-"

"Dammit, Cas, look at me! I feel alone when you won't look at me!" Dean admitted, feeling like he really could go crazy if Cas actually thought he was the piece of shit he thought of himself.

Cas slowly turned his head and flicked his eyes to Dean's. "You are not a freak, Dean. You are not messed up, you are not," he shook his head, "whatever else you think." He took a step towards Dean, just one. "You crave the feeling of trusting someone enough to be vulnerable to them, to putting your mind and body in their hands and letting go. And you crave knowing that it's okay to do that because you belong to that person, not in the inappropriate way you may automatically think of, and they belong to you. It's trust, in it's purest expression."

Dean took in what Cas was saying. "Letting myself be vulnerable?"

Cas nodded. "Which is why you are perfectly okay with standing as you are in front of me." Dean glanced down himself and shuffled. "Completely naked while I am clothed. You are vulnerable to me in this moment and that's okay because you trust me."

Dean inhaled. "You see me, don't you?" His throat tightened. "You see _me_."

He had said it pointedly, any part of that sentence could have been emphasized: 'You' to stress that it was Cas he meant, and maybe only Cas. 'See' to emphasize the act of Cas knowing this man. But Dean's vocal strain was on 'me' because there was a hundred different sides to Dean, the ones he fabricated himself out of necessity, the ones he grew without even noticing and the ones he let people see. Then there was the other ones - the ones he was aware of and did his best to hide and the ones he didn't know about or denied the existence of.

And Cas saw them all.

Cas nodded, stepping forward to look in Dean's eyes. "Yes, I see you Dean Winchester. I've seen every particle of you, inside and out. I," he curled his index finger and placed it under Dean's chin, "see you."

Dean just watched as Cas leaned in to place a small kiss to his lips. When he did, Dean felt something melt, something in his head. Whatever it was he couldn't have told you, he wasn't even aware of it's existence until it started to melt and it happened too quick for him to catch it. In the time it would have taken for someone to place a small, gentle kiss to his lips it was gone.

>><<

Back in the main room Charlie, Kevin and Sam were all eating and sitting at the table. Kevin and Sam on the left side, their backs to the corridor leading to the bedrooms.

"So," Charlie began but stopped to chew once more, "Dean and Cas." Sam smiled. "What happened there? And don't go skipping parts, I want it in Tolkein-esque detail."

"I'm not sure I do," Kevin countered.

"Why, you got a problem with gay couples?" Charlie raised her eyebrow. "I saw you eyeing that chick I brought back last week."

Sam laughed when Kevin grumbled a 'shut up, was not'. He briefly saw Dean and himself sitting in a diner after a hunt, a hundred times over.

"I have no idea to be honest with you." Sam blew out air. "They've always been a bit," he shrugged, "close but I guess when we got back here just after the angels fell is when I first noticed it. I was pretty out of it after the ritual, I passed out at some point on the road and when I woke up I was in my bed and Dean and Cas were on my floor. Sleeping." He tried to suppress a smirk. "Spooning."

Charlie's mouth fell open. "Shut up. Then what?" She picked up a crisp and shoveled it in her mouth.

"Um, I sensed what was going on so I tried to nudge Dean to go for it. Push him in the right direction." Sam nodded as he pushed food around with his fork, Kevin had eyed up the salad as he prepared it and wondered if he was going to put it beside a burger but he didn't.

"So, you don't care?" Sam turned to Kevin. "I mean, Dean was always the leering one." Sam laughed again. "You know, chicks, booze and rock 'n' roll. Now he's boning a guy. An angel too."

Sam brought his hand over his eyes. "Don't say they're boning, man. That's an image I don't need." Sam tried to smother the memory of Dean and Cas' exploits in the dungeon. "I don't care who he _bones._ He's my brother, angel or not, guy or not, I don't care. And if you had seen them before this you'd see there was something there from the beginning. Cas called it a 'profound bond'." Sam laughed. "Yeah, wings was smitten way before he fell."

A lump jumped into Sam's throat at those words. Those weren't his words.

>><<

"You asked me a question." Cas said, as he stood up; he had been kneeling in front of Dean cleaning him up.

Dean went over to his drawer as Cas folded the cloth in his hand and put it on the dresser.

"You've asked me a few times now and I have given you my best answer each time but you don't seem to be accepting it." He turned to face Dean as the hunter put on his underwear sporting a very confused look on his face. "So, for the purposes of resolving the issue I shall turn the question around to you." He paused and Dean straightened up, snapping his underwear band and waited. "How would you like to define this relationship we have?"

Dean's eyes widened a little. "I-uh..." He looked down.

"Dean, don't worry about my reaction to your response. I have already told you a few times now - whatever you want, you can have."

Dean looked over Cas' face and decided, no this wasn't how he wanted to settle this. He could tell what Cas wanted from his reaction and Dean would be lying if that didn't threaten to make him giddy but he wanted to hear it. He wanted Cas to say it exactly the way Dean _knew_ Cas knew he wanted to hear it. Dean accepted it now, he was a kinky son of a bitch, and that was cool, he was going to have to roll with it. Go hard or go home, right? So right now, here was his first test. He had the perfect opportunity right here, if he chickened out now then he may as well shut it down forever. Because this was it.

He smirked. "Why don't you tell me?"

Cas' eyes narrowed a little. _For Dean to react like that he had to either have no limit on what he wanted or he had to- Oh._

A lightbulb sparked into life in his mind. Dean was jumping in feet first.

Cas' eyes relaxed and he took a step towards Dean. "I think you know what I want."

"Do I?" Dean's pursed his lips together.

"Yes, you do. But you want me to say it, don't you?" Cas' right hand came out and took Dean's chin in a soft hold. "Hmm?"

Dean closed his eyes and bit his lip. "Maybe."

Cas let out a chuckle then leaned in so that he could speak in Dean's ear. "I want you, all of you-"

Dean could feel the air from Cas' lips hit his ear, he could feel the words enter and register in his brain, and then he felt them shoot and swirl in another brain of his.

_God, say it Cas. You know I want to hear it._

"-I want us, Dean."

_Say it, Cas._

"I want to be the only one that kisses you, touches you- Come closer."

Dean didn't even hesitate, he took the last step between them so that Cas had to turn his head to keep talking, Dean could almost feel his own warmth radiating back from Cas to him, this was it, he was in deep now, he was a goner.

"I want to be the only one you kiss and touch," his left hand moved to take Dean's hand in his palm, "do you want that, Dean?"

Dean could do nothing but mumble an 'mm-hm' and nod.

"You do?" Dean nodded again.

_Say it, Cas come on._

"I want to be the only name you call out. Do you like the thought of me saying someone else's name, Dean?" Dean's brow dipped and he shook his head. "No?" Dean shook his head again. Cas' right hand ran down and clasped at the side of Dean's neck. "I want a relationship, Dean."

_Come on, Cas._

Dean could feel his breath practically stop as Cas paused, he felt like his future hung in the balance.

"I want..." He inhaled sharply through his teeth as if the next sentence was lava on his tongue and Dean whimpered, he damn whimpered but he didn't care, he had to hear it.

_Please, baby. Please._

"Cas..." Dean found himself breathing out after what felt like an alternative passed.

"Yes, Dean?" Cas nudged his nose into the skin just beside Dean's ear as his finger drove up against the hairs on the back of Dean's neck.

"Please." He opened his eyes and looked to the side, when his head nudged Cas pulled back to look at Dean. "Please... Say it."

Cas looked over Dean's face then leaned back into Dean's ear which Dean closed his eyes too. The anticipation was too much, he felt his vision blur before it did.

 _Fucking hell, say it before I pass out_.

"I want you to be _mine,_ " Cas eventually said, a bite to the last word, his mouth widening with the twist of it.

The word cut through Dean like a knife. No, not like a knife, like a badly sewn up wound bursting open. He felt like the word and it's implications had always been there but now he was finally accepting it. Finally letting it sit naturally in his head and on his body like a tattoo.

Dean felt himself shake and he felt Cas' left hand leave his right before it grabbed his waist, Dean wasn't going to topple but with what Cas had said and the act of being more than ready to catch him? Well, that was enough. Dean let out a groan and his head fell forward on his neck and he swayed forward just a little. Cas caught him as he did and Dean flashed back to standing on the pavement that day with a barefoot Cas and Hassellhoff playing somewhere in his brain.

"Yours," Dean breathed out while his arms lay numbly at his side, as if it was the last word he could bring himself to say. And he had to say it twice. "Yours."

>><<

"Alright, alright." Charlie put her hand out. "Cas said Dean took off. What was that about?"

"What do you think?" Kevin interjected. "If you're Dean Winchester and you start feeling for a guy you grab the nearest bottle of whiskey, you find something to put a few rounds into and you jump the nearest woman that'll have you."

Charlie's mouth fell open. "Did he?"

Sam counted on his fingers. "Booze, yeah. Ruined just about every target we had in the shooting range. And he did jump in the car and take off but he came back the next morning, I don't know if he picked up a chick or not." Sam sighed. "Look, a bunch of stuff happened. A lot of it, I don't know, and I don't want to." He smiled a little. "But one day I was sitting here, looking into a name and Cas was standing there," he pointed over to a bookcase, "looking up voting registration or something and I looked up as Dean came in the room. He didn't see me, he went straight up to Cas and kissed him. When he noticed me he seemed surprised but not bothered, he didn't even more from pretty much eye-screwing him." He laughed again. "And now he's under the thumb."

"I am not under the thumb." Dean said as he appeared in the doorway, the three looking to them. Dean had dressed in jogging pants and a white t-shirt. He leaned on it as Cas passed him, walked around the table and slowly pulled out the chair next to Charlie, across from Sam. "Am I, babe?" Dean asked, looking to Cas.

Sam and Charlie shared a smile at how easily the endearment rolled off of his tongue. Cas didn't turn answer, he just looked to Kevin and raised his left hand, using his index finger and thumb to show something tiny.

"Hey!" Dean said and they all laughed. "Traitor." He smiled at Cas as he walked to the head of the table, looking from Kevin on his right to Charlie on his left. "Okay so, what's the score with the GPS business?"

Charlie nodded, putting down her sandwich and rubbing her hands together. Dean looked at her plate, suddenly less interested in the angels. "I will see what I can do, it's gonna take some time-diddly-ime but since I hacked Kevin outta here it won't take as long as it might have for me to worm my way into the system."

"Awesome." Dean smiled and took half of her sandwich much to her dislike. "Can we hook it into demons too?"

Charlie's brows scrunched up while Dean took a bite and decided it was a good sandwich. "Hmm, not sure. I'll need to take a look at it."

Dean nodded then looked to Sam. "Maybe we can feed it some of Crowley's names or DNA or something-"

"Crowley?" Kevin perked up.

"He's here," Cas confirmed.

"Where?" Kevin practically jumped up, the sound of his chair scraping on the wooden floor as it pushed out from the back of his knees. "And why haven't you killed him?"

"Because he's helping us." Sam tried to stay calm but he had an alarm going off in his head.

_Because I want him here._

"Helping you, with what?" Charlie asked, looking between Dean and Sam.

"He's giving us demon names and we're hunting the down," Dean said.

"In exchange for what?" Kevin snapped. "And I asked where he was?"

"He's in the basement-" Dean started.

"In exchange for nothing!" Sam shouted and everyone stopped. "In exchange for his life."

"Calm down, Sam," Dean started.

"No, I won't _calm down_." Sam stood up from his seat, his sliding further away from him than Kevin's did. "You have no idea what we've been going through, either of you." He looked between the two newcomers. "You've no idea what it's like, day after day, staring at the same four walls, in a prison, completely powerless and alone. So don't give me, calm down. Yeah, he did some shit, but he's- he's-" Sam cut himself off and stormed for his room.

"Sam," Dean warned, then followed him. "Sam!" He started to jog to keep up with his giant of a brother. "Sammy!"

Sam got to his room and slammed the door.

"Sam!" Dean rattled the handle and banged the door. "Sam." He stilled for a second. Sam's grip tightened when Dean banged some more. "Sam, come on, man." Dean sighed. "Don't do this," he whispered. "Not this."


	34. Chapter 34

Charlie, Cas and Kevin looked at the doorway as Dean shouted after Sam. "Wow." She looked to Kevin. "I guess we should get started while they have their moment."

Cas looked between them as he sat back down at the table.

"You go ahead," Kevin said and Charlie just looked at him. "I need a shower." He gestured to himself. "Some time, you know?"

Charlie smiled and put her hand on his shoulder. "You know where I am." Then she looked around. "Uh, if I ever find it myself." She walked to the other doorway and looked left and right before taking the right.

Kevin's smile fell and he tiptoed to the doorway, he watched her look around herself and then disappear around the corner. He looked back to Cas who was immersed in a book then looked left along the corridor and took off. He followed the corridors, he had no idea where he was going but he knew he'd find it and it didn't take him long to find a set of steps leading down. He creeped down and heard whispering.

"I mean, it just nuts. It's the exorcism, it has to be," Crowley said.

Kevin's brow dipped.

_What exorcism?_

"That's it. It'll wear off." There was a long exhale. "I just- I confused him. With all that what keeps you warm at night." A little chuckle. "Yeah. that's what it was. I got caught up in my own fun."

Kevin had gotten closer, he looked at the light-switch and shuffled on his feet.

The sound of rubber on stone made the demon's breath catch in his throat.

He was silent for a while. "Sam?" Kevin switched the light on and took a step forward. He was almost convinced he heard a sigh of relief from the shelves in front of him. "Are you alright?" Kevin paused in his steps. "I- I just mean about the demon, I- I gave Dean a name, to- to-" He sighed. "I don't know actually."

Kevin pulled the shelf open and looked at Crowley. "What are you talking about?"

Crowley's face actually drained of color and Kevin swore he saw guilt or dread on that face. "Kevin." He tried not to look down to where he was sat, on the edge of the table.

>><<

Sam listened to the other side of the door as Dean groaned out and he realized Dean was lowering himself to the floor outside. He bowed his head. He wasn't going to go away. Sam hesitated then sat down too.

The brothers sat back to back with a door in between them; Sam was completely in darkness and Dean was illuminated by the white light above him.

"The first time I met Cas," Dean started, he bent his legs up and leaned his forearms on them, "I was waiting there, with Bobby, having just climbed my way out of my own grave by the way, don't forget that." Sam let out air through his nose, he would have laughed if he wasn't so close to crying. "We were sitting, waiting after the ritual and it didn't look like it was gonna work. Suddenly the roof starts rattling, the lights blow, there's sparks flying everywhere and the barn doors open. Me and Bobby, we're standing side by side but you know, kinda back to back too, holding our guns and all we can see through the sparks and the light coming in through the door is a shadow. Like a silhouette, right?"

Sam nodded to himself bringing his own knees up to lean on and brushing his hair out of his face.

"And this damn tax account looking motherfucker walks in," Dean laughed to himself and Sam did too, despite himself, at Dean's language alone - it was crude and unlike Dean to be so strong but he had a point, a point that both of them only understood in hindsight, "towards us. Now, we don't know what's going on, so naturally we shoot right?" Sam nodded again. "Nothing. The dude doesn't even stagger with the shots or anything."

Sam could do nothing but listen in the darkness.

"I don't know how many times we shot before we realized it wasn't working so me and Bobby we look at each other, both friggin' crapping our pants. I walk over and pick up a knife, I have no idea why I hid it behind my back, the dude was standing right there, he saw it, but he doesn't even glance at Bobby right, he's looking at me the whole time and he turns towards me, his back to Bobby so I'm thinking this guy is either stupid of he's just not scared, man."

"Not scared," Sam mumbled to himself.

"So I say, 'who are you' and I don't know why I said that because I just shot the guy to hell, he doesn't even move, he doesn't even look like the wind's blowing on him man so it's obvious he's not human and yet I ask him 'who', not 'what', ' _who_ '." Dean sighed and Sam looked to the side a little, confused. "It was like, even from the beginning I knew him, my own subconscious didn't need to know what he was, I knew. He was..." Dean laughed to himself. "You know, when he prayed that time, you know what he called me? His savior." Sam found himself smiling at the side of his mouth. "The guy friggin' pulls me from hell, pieces me back together again, cell by cell and _I'm his_ savior?" Dean shook his head.

"What-" Sam cut himself off and Dean turned his head. Sam looked away, annoyed at himself, he refused to be pulled into this.

"What did he say?" Sam nodded but Dean didn't see it, he just assumed. "He said," Dean lowered his voice, "' _I_ 'm _the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition_ '." Dean laughed. "Like that, all deep and shit." Sam laughed too. "And, you know it's funny, now I think about it..." Dean worried his bottom lip for a second. "What he said was important, wasn't it?" Sam's brow twitched. "He could have said 'I pulled you out of hell' but he didn't. He said that. He- He didn't even say 'I gripped you tight and raised you from perdition' he said 'I'm the one who'. Like he expected me to remember it and now he was just introducing himself like 'remember me? Different face I guess but we've met'." Dean shook his head. "I didn't believe him. Not because of him but because, I mean, yeah sure you did buddy, you know? I got out, I figured a deal had been made. I didn't remember the whole thing, when I left. I just knew something was going on and then I was taking my next breath."

"Something was going on?" Sam said the words before he could stop himself.

"Yeah, I mean angels broke into Hell, Sam. You kinda notice that going on around you. But I just, I didn't know about the angel thing yet and I didn't believe him. I don't know why, I just didn't. And anyway, I stabbed him." Dean paused for a second. "I stabbed Cas."

"You didn't," Sam countered and Dean's head turned. "He wasn't Cas back then, not to us."

Dean nodded slowly. "He didn't even move. He just stared at me with a hint of a smirk, like it amused him. And I freaked man, I let go of that knife and took a step back, bro. I thought 'what the hell is this in front of me right now?' He looked down, pulled it out and just dropped it, looking right at me. I looked at Bobby like what the hell, man. Bobby swung this big-" Dean put his hands out. "I don't even remember, a pole or sword or something, and Cas' hand shot out to grab it, and for the first time his attention wasn't on me. He turned his back on me and looked at Bobby, he put him to sleep and then he turned back to me all 'we need to talk, Dean' as if we'd met before. And we had, you know..." He rubbed his face. "Even from that first meeting he could see through me Sam, see the real me. He saw how little I thought of myself, and yeah he was working for the douchebags upstairs but- but..." Dean inhaled as if the next sentence was the hardest thing he ever had to say. "You were right - there has always been something between us, from the very first day. And it wasn't sexual or anything it was this idea that this angel, this celestial being or whatever, that damn baby in a trench coat, knew me."

Dean leaned back again, putting his head against the door and closing his eyes.

"He was one of the most powerful creatures to ever exist, Sammy, and..." Dean sighed and leaned forward, opening his eyes again. "You know that profound bond thing goes two ways. I can't explain it, I feel like I could cuss and drink and throw tantrums and be an idiot in front of him and he wouldn't even try to stop me. I _have_ , and he hasn't, hasn't tried to stop me once, not really."

"And that takes a lot of practice," Sam joked.

"Yeah, exactly." Dean smirked. "But you're my brother, I've been like that from day one, you know that shit and you put up with it because we're family. Cas walked in and just went along with it, he could have snapped my neck with a click of his fingers and he didn't because he knew. He _knew_." Dean turned his head. "You know what I mean, don't you Sam? To have someone who just _knows_?"

Sam swallowed and didn't answer.

>><<

"What were you talking about?" Kevin asked again.

"Nothing, stuff between me and the brothers. Hunting stuff. When did you get here?" Crowley tried to smile.

"Just now." Kevin looked around. "Cozy."

"Kevin, I-"

"Shut up." Kevin paced back and forth. "You tortured me, you killed my mom!" Crowley winced and tried not to chastise himself or being so transparent, before the damn exorcism he could play poker with the most perceptive minds on the planet but after everything, and after only having interaction with one person for so long it was like he'd forgotten how to lie. And he couldn't remember the last time he'd lied to Sam. "What?"

"Nothing," Crowley said again, trying to feign ignorance as he remembered telling Sam he wasn't mad at him for not coming down to see him. That was the last time, probably. "I need to speak to- to Moose, could you go get him?"

Kevin stepped towards the demon and Crowley shuffled, wanting to move away but not wanting to draw attention to where he was sitting. "What about my mom?"

Crowley looked to the side. "I need- Could you go get Moose, please?"

"Please?!" Kevin actually took a step backwards. "What the hell happened to you?"

Crowley brought his hands up to wiped his forehead. "I- If I tell you about your mum will you go get Moose?"

Kevin looked over the demon. "Tell me and I'll think about it."

Crowley glanced to Kevin. He didn't have to say anything, he didn't have to indulge Kevin. Hell, the tiny voice in the back of his mind that he normally listened to was screaming for him to manipulate Kevin, make him go psycho and beat the living shit out of him. Maybe even to let him go. Kevin's weakness was his mother, he could pretty much get whatever he wanted out of the kid by using her. So why was it all he wanted to do was this? Why was it all he wanted was for Kevin to go get Sam?

"I didn't kill your mum," Crowley croaked.

Kevin shook his head. "Liar." He turned away.

"Kevin-"

Kevin spun around and punched Crowley in the face, it surprised the demon so much he fell to the floor on his hands and knees. "She's alive, Kevin! I swear to you she's alive!" He crawled his knees under him as he looked to the kid and leaned back to bring his hands up to poke at the blood on his cheek. "You can keep hitting me-" And he did. Kevin smacked him again, making the demon fall back to the side, he put his hands out to stop himself and grunted as he looked at the floor. "But it doesn't stop it being true!" Crowley turned his head to look at Kevin. "She's alive, Kevin." He looked at the floor. "Please, I just _need_ to see Sam."

Kevin stood looking at Crowley as the demon sat back on his heels and touched his cheek again.

>><<

Charlie wandered back into the room. "Cas, you seen Kevin?" Cas looked up and shook his head. "Can I borrow you?" Cas raised an eyebrow. "Well, not you, your finger."

Cas looked side to side then stood up slowly as she walked away. He followed her down to the room with the main terminal for the computer was and poked his head around the open door. She was lying under the station like a mechanic under a car. "Charlie?" he asked.

"See that button over there?" She pointed to the wall behind Cas, he was vaguely aware that her voice was muffled by something. There was a station in front of it and Cas turned to walk over to it. "There's a green button and a yellow button," Charlie called. "When the green button lights up I need you to push it for me."

"Okay." He stood looking at the button intently.

"Can I ask you a question, Castiel?"

He looked around. "Yes." Then he turned back to the button, the shock of his full name subsiding.

"You can tell me to bug off-" The button went green and Cas hesitated before pushing it, the light went off. "Awesome," Charlie said. "The yellow one will flash soon, when it stops flashing, push it." Cas nodded and looked to the yellow one. "You can tell me to bug off because it's not really any of my business but- what was that outside the burger joint?"

Cas went a little red. What should he say? He could never betray Dean's confidence so he tried to play it off to give himself time to think of something. "What are you referring to?" The button flashed three times then stopped so Cas pushed it and the light came on again but constant.

"Come over here," Charlie called from under the table, voice still muffled, and lifted her left hand, pointing to the front of the terminal. "The red one with 'PN' next to it, press that when I tell you." Cas found it on the board and stared at it. "And I mean the whole grabbing Dean in a threatening way, we wouldn't have even seen you guys if the people in the place weren't all talking about how a fight was about to kick off."

"I let my anger get the best of me," Cas said calmly. "I should never have grabbed him like that."

"I guess he wasn't too bothered by the looks of that kiss," Charlie commented and Cas smirked to himself. "Must've been a hell of an apology."

Cas laughed. "Dean is very forgiving of me. He understands that human customs are still strange to me. I now know that you can't grab someone like that in daylight without causing a scene."

"Tell me about it. Press it once for me." Cas did so. "Thanks. See the two switches here?" She pointed to another part of the console and Cas found them. "I need you to flick both of them at the same time when I tell you." Cas nodded again. "A few of the people in the burger place were about to call the cops too. Seemed like Dean was in trouble," her voice suddenly became clear, "and then he kissed you and I don't think I've seen so many confused people in one place." Cas let out a chuckle. "Including me and Kevin, but you know, for different reasons. Flick them for me." Cas did so. "Thanks." She scrambled out from underneath holding a mini flashlight in her left hand and Cas put his hand out to help her up. As he was about to let go she tightened her grip and he looked to her, she pointed the flashlight at him the way a hunter might do a knife. "Hurt him and I'll kill you," she said it seriously. "I don't care about angel or human, whatever you are at the time... I will hunt you down and kill you."

Cas stared back. "I won't." Charlie gripped him tighter. "And I wouldn't stop you."

Charlie narrowed her eyes then slowly let him go. When she had she put her flashlight in her mouth and began flattening Cas' shirt. "Oh my god," her voice was muffled again, "I'm so sorry. Please don't tell Dean I did that, he'll kill me if he knows I threatened his boyfriend."

Cas laughed and took the flashlight from Charlie's mouth. "It's fine." She stopped and smiled at him. "And no he wouldn't."

"So you are his boyfriend then?" Charlie smirked.

Cas couldn't help but smile back as he handed her the little red tube. "That was tactful." He looked to the console. "Yes, I think so." He thought back and smiled more, at the memory. "In fact, I know so."

>><<

"Years ago, Sam, years ago I would have freaked. Hell, if someone had told me at any point up until, oh I don't know, _a week ago_ ," Sam smiled, "that I would be..." He blew out. "In a relationship with a guy, I would have freaked." Sam turned his head towards the door and raised his eyebrows. "Jesus, Sam. Do those things have bells on them like cows or something? Yes, I said it." Sam lowered his head smiling. "Me and Cas are... in a relationship. It's messed up but it fits us, man." He shook his head and then leaned it against the door. "It fits."

"What-?" Sam almost couldn't talk. "What are you saying, Dean?"

"You know damn well what I'm saying, Sam. Ruby, man. Ruby, I didn't get. She was a demon, she snaked her way in between us and she won your trust. She used you and then threw you away. I didn't get it, at first, how you could be fooled by her. But, hell even I was beginning to fall for it a little. But this? This, is worse." Sam screwed his eyes closed. "And it is twisted a hundred times, isn't it?" Sam nodded. "But now, after everything. I get it." Sam's eyes loosened a little but he didn't open them. "I get how you can look at someone one day and realize that they get it, whatever it is that is going on in your head, swirling around in there, every puzzle and question, every kink and twist, they get it all. Or even just some, but- but _enough_. This gig, this is some lonely shit, Sam. This is lonelier than hell. Trust me, I've been."

"So have I," Sam countered and the brothers laughed.

"It's lonely but it's dangerous. It's hard to trust anyone in this game, Sam. It's- It's messed up, you know that right?" Sam nodded to himself. "But just sometimes, it's okay to be messed up, with the right person." Sam's eyes opened. "I'm not talking the chick-flick kinda _right person_. It doesn't have to be love, it doesn't have to be destiny, it doesn't have to make sense. As long as you're not in danger... It just has to fit." Dean inhaled. "Does- Does it fit?"

"I don't know," Sam murmured but Dean heard him. He slowly put his head against the door and upped the volume of his voice a little to be heard as the darkness still hugged him. "You and Cas, do you think it's love? Or could be?"

Dean pursed his lips together. "Honestly, Sam? I don't know." He leaned his head against the door looking up at the white light still watching over him.


	35. Chapter 35

"Why do you need to see Sam so badly?" Kevin asked.

Crowley grunted out loud. "I told you your mum is alive now go and get Sam or-"

"Or what?" Kevin stared as Crowley got to his feet.

Crowley took a step towards Kevin. "Or I'll never tell you where she is."

Kevin took a step back from the demon, in shock or disgust he couldn't tell.

>><<

Dean pulled himself up from the floor and sighed. "Just remember, Sam." Sam turned his head to listen and Dean looked up as the light above his head flickered. "Don't let him put you on."

"I won't," Sam assured standing up himself.

"I mean, I know better than anyone what it's like to need someone but..."

Sam opened his door and looked at Dean. "I honestly didn't expect you to be so accepting."

Dean's brow crunched into an amused confusion. "I'm in an exclusive relationship with a former angel. I don't think it would be fair to begrudge you a buddy, Sam."

_Buddy._

The word, and the realization that he and Dean weren't on the same page, winding Sam, taking away the relief he'd felt as he stood up.

Dean hit Sam on the shoulder as Sam's smile fell and Dean walked away, looking up to the light as it flickered again and dulled. "Even if it is Crowley."

Sam nodded. "Right." He wanted to slam his door, feeling like a total idiot for thinking Dean could have been on the right track.

>><<

Dean looked in the main room and saw it was empty so he walked along the corridor and came to the door of the computer's main terminal and heard his name so he stood and listened. He was looking at Cas who was sitting cross-legged on the floor facing away from the door to the right of Charlie's legs as she was lying under the console again. Dean couldn't see but he was holding the flashlight waiting for her to need it.

"-Dean, I mean I didn't realize angels were into that kind of thing," Charlie said.

"Dean thought that too, and I told him angels do... _indulge,_ " Cas said.

Dean smiled. _Oh they indulge alright._

"I just hadn't found the need or want to," Cas added.

"Until now," Charlie said and Dean made to walk in before pausing as Cas spoke.

"Are you trying to be tactful again?" Cas asked with a little chuckle.

"No, I'm just asking in a round about way," Charlie said and Dean narrowed his eyes a little.

"Charlie, I barely understand basic human interactions-" Cas started in response.

"Have you had sex?" Charlie whispered and Dean's face relaxed in shock.

"No," Cas answered. "No, I have not. But I know Dean has, a lot." Dean almost laughed.

"I meant together!" Charlie did laugh.

"Oh." Dean didn't see Cas' face go red but he saw him look down. "No, no we haven't."

"But you want to?" Charlie pressed.

Cas went quiet, Dean was dreading the answer. Dean was suddenly confused, his first reaction was ' _Oh god no, I'm not ready, I can't'_ but then, when Cas fell silent he suddenly thought ' _Why is he quiet, does he not want to sleep with me? Why?'_ And he found himself wanting to retreat.

Charlie shifted under the console to look at Cas, seeing the nervous look on his face. "I'm sorry, it's none of my business, ignore me."

"I'm just not sure what is appropriate to discuss," Cas explained. "But..." He bit his lip. "Nothing is impossible, shall we say."

Dean felt himself smile.

"In all honesty, it is not my decision," Cas continued and smiled when Charlie gave Cas a raised eyebrow. "I mean that, with Dean, I-I-" He hesitated then sighed. "My boundaries are his boundaries." He shrugged.

Dean took a step back and steeled himself. Then whistled as he walked in. "Hey guys," he smiled as Cas twisted to look up at him and smiled, Charlie nudged out from under the console to see Dean then looked at Cas' face, "how's it going?"

"It's going slow." Charlie huffed. "But it's going. I've got good company to keep me going."

Dean looked around him. "Yeah I see that, where's Kevin? I was hoping to steal Cas for a second."

"He'll be around somewhere." Charlie waved her hand in the air dismissively. "He said he needed some time. But I'm afraid I need someone to push buttons for me." She ducked out to look at Dean apologetically. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah, yeah." Dean nodded and ignored the look Cas was giving him, it was like he was so worried about Dean in that moment. "We need to get this hooked up." He smiled down at the former angel.

He turned to walk away and Cas bounded up, stopping Dean with a gentle hand as he crossed the threshold. "Is everything alright?" Cas asked, still on his side of the door.

"Yeah, Cas don't worry." Dean smiled but Cas wasn't convinced. "Honest."

Cas lowered his voice and leaned towards Dean to whisper, "Did you need comfort?"

Dean smiled down at Cas, whose face was close and then leaned in himself as he stepped into Cas' space more. "Not what I was thinking of." He watched Cas' eyes flickered into desire. He then winked and walked away.

Cas lifted his foot to follow Dean.

"Cas!" Charlie called from inside and Cas stopped and watched Dean walk away.

Dean smirked to himself for a second then thought back to what they had been talking about.

>><<

Sam exhaled as he walked down to the dungeon.

He swallowed heavily before he flicked the light switch on. Then he paused when he heard nothing. He took a few steps then heard a sigh.

"I told you," Crowley's voice cracked into the air and Sam' brow crinkled at the sound of distress there, "I need to see Sam."

Sam pursed his lips together as he pulled at the shelves, he felt like his muscles wouldn't work properly. He stopped to flex his arms and then try again, he suddenly realized how tired he felt.

"You can punch me all you like, I won't tell you anything until you get him to come down here," Crowley spat.

Sam finally pulled it open and looked at Crowley sitting on the floor, legs crossed and drawing with his index finger.

"You wanted to see me?" Sam tried to sound calm as Crowley scrambled to his feet, Sam noticed the marks on his face.

"Moose," he breathed in shock and Sam looked to the floor, he was drawing in blood and Sam looked back to him, jaw tense. "No." He put his hand out as Sam took steps towards him looking down. "It's not a sigil."

"Then what is it?" He looked down at the strange language. He then looked back to Crowley's face angry, he didn't have his knife but Crowley didn't know that.

"Gaelic," Crowley answered and Sam looked surprised, which he was, he'd not expected that. Crowley looked down at the floor. "Baodhannach." Sam looked back up to Crowley as Sam realized how close they were standing.

"What does it mean?" Sam was skeptical but he'd forgotten how long ago that little Fergus McLeod lived; Gaelic would have been his language.

Crowley swallowed. "Moose." Sam opened his mouth but Crowley looked to his left as he moved away from Sam. He walked to the side of the table towards the back of the room and Sam looked to the floor.

"Where did the blood come from?" Sam looked up to the back of the demon. "Was it Kevin?"

Crowley fidgeted with his hand looking down. "He had every right."

Sam sighed then left the room and took a left. Crowley turned around to the sound of Sam rummaging in a box and he reappeared with the scotch bottle. "Let me see." He put the bottle on the table and then looked to the side as he pulled his shirt off.

Crowley's eyebrows raised and looked over Sam's torso as Sam scrunched up his shirt, he poured some scotch on it and gestured to him. "See what?"

Sam gestured for him to come closer. "Let me see it," he reiterated. Crowley narrowed his eyes but took a step forward. Sam's left hand lifted and took a hold of Crowley's face, turning it to expose his left cheek to him. He used the fabric in his right hand to dab onto the demon's cheek. He flinched. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Crowley said, he was looking at Sam's face the entire time, his face had flinched but his eyes hadn't. "So Kevin sent you down here?"

Sam paused. "No." He leaned to pick up the bottle, wetting a clean bit of his shirt and glancing up to see Crowley's expectant face looking at him. "I've been avoiding coming down here," he shrugged as he took Crowley's face and turned it the other way, "after..." He dabbed the mark and Crowley just started at him. "And I shouldn't have."

"Why not?" Crowley righted the angle of his head when Sam let him go.

"Because," Sam folded the shirt in his hand, "it's as good as abandoning you and I don't want to do that."

Crowley looked over Sam's face, Sam refused to look at him and Crowley turned around with a grunt, facing the far wall. "Bloody hell."

Sam nodded with an exhale. "Tell me about it."

They knew they were both in dangerous waters but neither of them wanted to get out either. Or could bring themselves.

>><<

"Hey." Dean tilted his head up when Kevin appeared in the main room at the same time as him. "Where've you been?"

"Around." Kevin lied. "I thought I check out the layout."

Dean lowered his book, looking over Kevin's face. "You went to the dungeon, didn't you?"

Kevin considered lying but decided he needed answers. "Yeah. He told me my mom's still alive."

"Ignore him," Dean scoffed looking back to his book," he'll say anything to stretch his legs."

Kevin's face pulled together in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Dean's eyes moved back up. "He'll tell you he knows the meaning to life if it means getting out of that chair."

Kevin just started at Dean. "He wasn't in the chair." Dean's expression mirrored Kevin's as he leaned forward to put the book on the table. "He was leaning against the table."

"Wha-" Dean put his hand out as he stood. "Wait a minute, are you sure?"

Kevin nodded, eyes widening. "He was leaning against the table, I punched him and he fell to the floor."

Dean walked towards the doorway and Kevin followed a step. Dean stopped and turned around, grabbing his gun from the table and pointing to Kevin. "Stay here. If I'm not back in five minutes, get Cas from the hub room." He raised his eyebrows at Kevin who nodded and he walked away, checking the rounds in his gun.

>><<

"So what is this?" Crowley asked, not attempting to gesture between them with his cuffed hands but Sam knew.

"I don't know." Sam sighed and threw his shirt on the table. "This is more screwed up than anything I've done before."

"We _can_ ignore this," Crowley said turning as Sam disappeared again with the scotch.

He came back empty handed. "What do you mean?"

Crowley turned to look at Sam. "I'm the King of denial and you're a close second, we could ignore this. If you want."

Sam took a step towards him. "Is that a question?"

Crowley closed his eyes and then tightened them. "Maybe."

Sam thought back to what Dean said. "It fits," he whispered.

"What?" Crowley opened his eyes only to see Sam walk towards him and put both his hands on his face before kissing him roughly. Sam walked them backwards and suddenly Crowley grunted in pain and Sam pulled back. "The trap." Crowley gestured behind him where his heel was touching.

"Sorry." Sam grabbed his waist and turned him on the spot, capturing his lips again as he pushed him to the table.

Crowley's hands, still handcuffed, were brought up and his fingertips touched Sam's jawline as they continued kissing. And as Sam's tongue pushed it's way into his mouth he wondered what it felt like to run his fingers through that hair. For the first time he felt the true pain of his prison bars, his brow scrunching as he thought about it. Sam's hands went down his arms and under to come back up his back, pressing him towards the hunter. They both moaned as Crowley felt Sam's bare chest pressed against him, even if it was only his arms.

"What the fuck?!"

Sam and Crowley pulled apart to see Dean standing at the doorway with a slightly lowered gun and a look on his face that Sam had seen only once before: when he had discovered Sam drinking blood.

"Dean," Sam breathed.

Crowley looked over his shoulder at the hunter then back to Sam who looked at him in panic.

But neither of them moved.


	36. Chapter 36

Sam was frozen to the spot.

"I _said_ , what the fuck?" Dean stated, angry.

"Squirrel-" Crowley began.

"Shut up!" Dean moved towards him and put his elbow into Sam's chest, pushing him away. Sam went, for no other reason than he didn't know how to work his body yet. "What have you done?" Dean pointed his gun at Crowley's face.

Sam watched as Crowley's eyes focused on the barrel on the gun pointed in between his eyes and he caught up. "Dean-" He took the steps back towards them.

"No." Dean turned to Sam, still pointing his gun at Crowley. "Just no, Sam. Tell me, _tell me_ , this wasn't what you were talking about. Please, tell me?" Crowley's eyes moved to look at Sam who eyes fell to the floor. "Oh, my _God_ , Sam!" Dean turned his gun on his brother.

"Dean-" Crowley started, looking at the gun as Sam instinctively put his hands up slowly, somehow thinking that in that moment his brother really might shoot him.

Dean spun to look at the demon, aiming his gun back at him too. "Shut up." He looked and aimed back to Sam. He was completely unsure of who to blame and who was the threat in this situation. "Shut up, both of you." He turned around, facing the wall. "I need to- just shut up for a second." He lowered his gun to the floor and faced the wall, rubbing his forehead with his free hand.

Sam and Crowley just looked at each other for a few minutes.

Eventually Dean pointed to Sam with his left hand but didn't move. "First of all, why don't you have a shirt on?"

Sam looked down, suddenly remembering and Crowley did too, leaning back to grab it from the table to hand him the crumpled fabric. "I- I," Sam took it and opened it in his hands. "Thanks." Dean turned slightly at the gratitude and saw Sam hooking it over his head, there were a couple of bloodied patches on it. "Kevin beat into- into him so I was cleaning it."

Dean stared at Sam, taking that in. Three different things came into his head at that moment - him stitching up Sam a few years ago when he got caught by a stray bullet when they were being chased by cops; Cas cleaning his own gun shot wound a while ago in the main room while Sam was busy down here - Dean idly wondered then if Sam had left him bleeding to come down here and do... that - and how much care Cas put into it; and him stitching up Cas' arm after Wyoming.

Dean glanced to Crowley and saw that his face was beaten slightly, he whipped his head back to the wall and thought about all of that. He also thought of the time Sam reset his shoulder, saying he would count to three and snapping it on one instead so that he wouldn't expect it. It was a small gesture but it was a gesture all the same. Like when Cas brought him that cloth, or when Cas squeezed his hand after a nightmare and they lay back down to sleep again, Dean could feel his thumb rubbing over his skin.

He shook his head. This was different, this was never going to be like that. _Never._

Dean put his hand out again to Sam. "Second. Why did Kevin tell me _he_ wasn't in his chair?"

Sam's eyes widened and he looked to Crowley whose face showed nothing but realization and apology. "I- uh-"

Dean turned his head to look at Sam. "Don't even think about lying to me."

Then they heard two pairs of footsteps running down to the dungeon, Sam looked up taking a step away from Crowley, Crowley looked down at the movement then up to Sam's face but Dean still stared at Sam.

"Dean!" Cas' voice had a infliction to it, much like Dean's did when Sam was in danger. Cas and Kevin appeared at the door to the dungeon and Cas looked from Crowley to Sam then to Dean. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Cas." Dean was staring at Sam. "Kevin, go upstairs."

"Why?" Kevin asked.

"Go upstairs and help Charlie, dammit!" Dean shouted.

Cas turned his head to Kevin and nodded softly, the prophet slowly backed up and walked out of the dungeon. Dean suddenly stormed from where he had been stood and followed the prophet. He slammed the door over while Cas looked between Sam and Crowley, making Kevin snap his head back to look behind him. Dean walked back and pulled the shelf over, Cas instinctively stepping further inside the dungeon to allow him. Then Dean turned around on the spot and he and Sam stared at each other.

"You haven't answered me," Dean said.

"Dean, what is going on?" Cas asked, looking from Sam's guilty face, ignoring his undress, to Dean's fury. Then he looked at Crowley. "Did you-?" He looked to Dean again. "Did you do that?"

Dean shook his head. "No, but thanks for assuming that, Cas." He still wasn't looking at Castiel.

"I didn't assume anything," Cas corrected with a little irritation in his voice, enough that it made Dean look at him. "I asked because you are angry enough to kill right now and he has been hit a few times at least. That's why I asked."

Dean looked back to Sam. "Sorry." Crowley's eyebrows raised as he watched Cas nod slightly, his acceptance of the apology. "I'm angry because Kevin came down here and lied about it, he's the one that took a few swipes at our guest here, and I caught him out on the lie." Dean took a step forward, to stand beside Cas, arms crossed and nostrils still flaring. "But then he told me that this asshat wasn't chained up like he was supposed to be so, naturally I freaked out, I came down here, gun drawn and what do I find?" Sam finally looked away from Dean's gaze as Crowley looked to the hunter. "I found this one," he uncrossed his arms and gestured to Sam with his gun, "shirtless and pushing this one," he gestured to Crowley, tilting his head to the right a little as he was directing his speech to Cas, "against the table while they were- They were kissing!"

Cas' head bobbed as he looked over the two, expecting some denial. "Wha-?" Cas' mouth stayed in a circle as his words stopped.

"Oh yeah," Dean nodded angrily and gestured to the spots on Sam's shirt, "and he's been cleaning his cuts." He pursed his lips together, mockingly. "So sweet."

"How?" Castiel asked and Dean turned his head. "How did you clean his wounds?" Dean's brow dipped a little, looking to Cas. "You can't clean them, not like that," he pointed to Crowley's face which shined a little from the scotch, "with just fabric."

Dean looked back to Sam. "What am I missing, Sam?"

Sam inhaled and closed his eyes as he shook his head a little.

"Look-" Crowley stood up from the table and turned around.

"No one asked you!" Dean shouted, taking a step forward.

"Dean." Cas put his left hand out to Dean's shoulder.

"Cas, he-" Dean looked back to Cas.

"He may be able to say what Sam seems to be incapable of right now." Dean looked to the corner then at Sam and when he looked to the side and lowered his arm Cas nodded to Crowley.

"Look, I haven't done anything-" Crowley put his hands up when Dean aimed his gun at him again.

"Liar!" Dean snarled.

"I haven't!" Crowley shouted back.

"Dean, come on-" Cas took a step towards him.

"Bullcrap!" Dean took a step to his right as if to round the table and Cas sensed it was all about to kick off, he stepped behind Dean and wrapped his arms around Dean's torso and held him back as he tried to go for Crowley. "I know you've done something!"

Everything Crowley said Dean came back with something along the lines of calling it crap.

After a few minutes Sam couldn't take it anymore, he ran his hands through his hair and burled around. "Shut up!" he shouted.

Everything went quiet. Cas narrowed his eyes when he noticed that Crowley stopped shouting first, looked to Sam and lowered his head, taking a step back from Dean whereas Dean only stopped shouting when there was nothing to retaliate to and Cas still had to hold him back. Eventually Dean stilled and looked to Sam, Cas' hands loosening around him but not letting go for fear that he would lunge again.

Sam's hands trembled as he stepped forward and put his right hand to Crowley's chest and pushed lightly. Crowley stepped back and let Sam take his space, Sam turned on the spot and looked to Cas who slowly let Dean go and took a step backwards.

Dean tried to level his breathing as he looked at Sam and shifted on the ground, telling himself he could lunge at the asshat now.

"Dean," Sam started, "I started coming down here for, I don't know someone to talk to, and to pass the time-"

"You could have talked to me." Dean growled looking to Crowley.

Sam scoffed and it brought Dean's attention back to him. "What so, you get to have Cas and I get no one but you? Is that how it goes?" Sam waved his arms in the air horizontally. "Let's forget what you two have right now, let's talk about before. If you even just needed someone, Cas was there right away. Hell, sometimes you didn't even need to ask for him, he was just there. Even when you sleep."

Crowley raised an eyebrow. "Bit rapey." Dean and Cas' eyes moved to his and for once Cas looked angry at the words. Sam turned but not even all the way. "Sorry," he mumbled and looked to the side.

Cas face showed his shock at it and so too did Dean's, for a second, and then it fell to suspicion.

Sam turned back and spoke again. "At first I was coming down here because we both needed someone to talk to, and then after a while-" He stopped and exhaled. "I started bringing-" He shook his head. "We would play cards and have a drink of scotch together-"

"What?!" Dean took a step forward and Cas did too. "Sam, this isn't a men's club." He gestured around. "In case you haven't noticed this is a dungeon designed specifically to keep _demons_ in." He pointed to Crowley. "And he is a demon."

Sam nodded. "Yes, yes he is. And what was Anna?" Dean's head moved just a little to the side and Cas looked down completely. "And- I'm sorry-" He looked at Cas as he apologized. "But what was he?" He looked to Dean briefly and then looked back to Cas. "I'm sorry Cas, I love you like a brother but you weren't always human." Cas nodded slightly, he could hardly argue.

"That's different!" Dean shouted at Sam.

"How?" Sam shouted back. "How was Anna different?"

"She was an angel!" He pointed back to Cas. "He _was_ an angel but he's not now and screw you, he's Cas!" He pointed to Crowley. "You know him, he's the King of Hell!"

Sam nodded. "Yes, I do know him." He looked to Cas. "And you do too, don't you?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Dean deflected.

"They had a deal." Dean groaned and looked to the side with a bitter laugh. "Well they did, it's the only reason I'm not still in the cage."

"Crowley and I worked together," Cas confirmed.

"Cas, don't even rise to it." Dean turned his top half to face Cas a little and waved his hand. "It's a cheap shot."

"No, it's not," Sam said to Dean then looked to Cas. "It's really not." Then he looked to Dean again. "What I'm trying to say is - Cas has done some things and yet you would stand here and defend him to the ends of the earth, wouldn't you?"

Dean nodded. "Damn right, I would." Cas' eyes moved to Dean. "But _he_ ," he pointed to Crowley, "is nowhere near on the same level as Cas and don't you _dare_ ," he pointed aggressively at Sam, "try to say he is. Don't you dare, Sammy."

Sam and Dean stared at each other again.

"It fits," Sam said and Dean's hand fell as his face reflected his shock.

Dean paused. "What did you just say?"

"I said it fits, Dean." Sam shrugged. "You said it yourself; it doesn't have to make sense, it just has to fit."

Dean swallowed and watched as Sam looked back to Crowley whose mouth twitch a little in a smile before he decided it was probably best not to in front of Dean and he just looked down as Sam turned his attention back to his brother.

>><<

Charlie was in the main room with something in her hand. When Kevin reappeared she brandished it like a sword and Kevin jumped. She sighed and looked up as she lowered it. "Thank Oakenshield." She sighed.

"Is that an axe?" Kevin looked at her with a seriously worried expression.

She nodded and put it back on the table. "I found it," she gestured behind her, "back there. What happened?"

Kevin shrugged. "No idea, when me and Cas got there Crowley, Sam and Dean were standing staring at each other. Dean was really angry."

"That's kind of his move," Charlie said. "But why this time?"

Kevin shrugged. "No idea, he told me to get out."

Charlie's brow knitted together. "That's weird."

Kevin sighed. "Not for me. I've to help you with the computer." He walked to the doorway and Charlie hesitated then followed him.

"So what's with the clenching." Charlie looked at Kevin as they walked to the terminal room.

Kevin sighed. "He said my mom is alive but Dean said he'd say anything to get what he wanted."

"What did he want?"

Kevin's brow dipped in confusion. "To see Sam." Charlie's expression mimicked his. "I know."

"That's weirder," she added and they walked into the room.

"Yeah." Kevin leaned on the main terminal as Charlie started flicking random switches. "Are you back-dooring?"

"Yeah," she nodded, "I've also got three brute force attacks going, when we left and our boys used the key to get back in they reset the systems to I have to hack the passwords and protocols again. It's taking longer than usual."

"What about keystroke." Charlie paused and looked around to him. "When Dean and Sam use the key it hooks into the system, it's as good as typing?"

She grunted loud and moved to the computer. "You are a genius!" He smiled and she grabbed his right hand, pulling it towards the keyboard before letting go and continuing typing. "Help me."

Kevin laughed and stood behind Charlie to help her type quicker. "Hey," she nodded, "do you think he was lying?"

Her expression changed to worry. "I don't know." She shook her head. "But we'll find out, even if I have to hack his brain."

Kevin laughed and moved his left hand under hers to type with that too. She lifted her arms and bent her wrists to allow him space and kept typing.

>><<

"I'm not- I'm not having this," Dean whispered and then looked at the floor. "Out."

Cas looked to him. "Dean-"

"Cas," Dean said it tight as he looked to his partner, trying his hardest not to scream at Cas, it wasn't Cas he was angry at and he was damned sure not going to take it out on him, "I need you to take Sam and leave."

"No." Sam put his hands out.

"Sam-" Dean warned, not looking at him.

"I'm not a kid anymore, Dean." Dean finally looked to Sam. "You can't pull some 'big brother looking out for me' bull, I am an adult and I can make my own decisions."

"Sam, this isn't a 'you better not break my brother's heart' situation. This is real life!" he shouted and took a step towards Sam, pointed his left hand at Crowley. "He is a demon, this is 'you better not be using some kind of mojo to seduce my brother to get out of here' shit!"

Sam nodded and then stood into Dean's space. "Watch." He walked passed Dean and Cas, pushed the shelf open and grabbed chalk from the shelf.

"Don't." Dean pointed to him.

Sam walked to Crowley and looked at him before bending his knees and kneeling on the floor in front of him, looking up until he got to the floor. Crowley kept his eyeline until Sam broke it. He drew a line over a part of the trap and then looked up before he slowly stood. They stared at each other for a few seconds.

"He's still got the cuffs on, genius," Dean growled, looking to the wall. Not exactly happy about watching his brother eye-fuck a demon in front of him.

Sam reached into his back pocket and took the key out. He threw it up in his hand just a tiny bit, looked to Dean and Cas before reaching for Crowley's cuffs.

"Sam, don't you _dare!_ " Dean pointed and Sam paused, looking at Dean. "He told Kevin his mother is still alive! He'll say anything to get a reaction."

Sam looked up to the demon.

"She's alive." Crowley nodded. "I _will_ take him to her, or bring her to him."

Sam looked to Cas and Cas knew that look. It was 'I have to take this chance, Dean won't understand but maybe you will'. Cas wasn't sure he did.

He looked down and unlocked the cuffs before looking at them as they slipped from Crowley's wrist. Sam let his hair fall forward, it didn't hide the black shoes on the floor so he took a step backwards to make sure he couldn't see them disappear. He didn't want to look up, he was still worried about what he'd see.

Or not see.

"Sam," Cas' voice came through, rough and flat. Sam couldn't read it but he looked up anyway.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken so long to update, I have a feeling this story is going to be something that goes on forever, or at least gets a sequel. I had an end in sight when I started but then it took on a life of its own and now I have no idea what's happening (which is pretty much what happened to supernatural after about season six, let's be honest here). But anyway, here is a relatively short one, I think.

Sam looked up and let go of a breath he didn't realize he was holding when his demon was standing there.

Sam smiled a little when Crowley winked as he was rubbing his wrists, Sam did notice that his face was still bloodied and shiny from the alcohol.

"So," Crowley turned to Dean, "we really need to revise sleeping quarters."

"Proves nothing." Dean shrugged. "So, you haven't run, so what? You knew that I expected you to, all you've proved is that you wanted to prove me wrong."

Sam sighed, shoving the handcuffs in his back pocket, and Crowley cracked his neck. "Funnily enough, Squirrel, what _you_ think never entered my mind." He looked at the walls. "Moose," Sam raised his eyebrows, "mind if I take a walk?" Cas narrowed his eyes at the demon whose eyes lowered to Sam's. "Move it on farther down the line?" He smiled.

Sam looked to Dean briefly. "Sure." Dean shifted on his feet, trying to decide what to do and Cas looked to the side, at him.

Sam expected Crowley to just disappear but instead he looked to Dean as he walked to the door of the small dungeon and then stopped. "Aren't you coming?" He looked back to Sam.

Dean and Sam were currently in a staring match. A match of wills or stubbornness, neither of them knew for sure.

Sam nodded quickly. "Yeah." Then he walked forwards, moving his eyes to Crowley and when he stepped passed Dean, Dean's left hand shot out and took Sam's right arm. "Let go," Sam muttered, looking up from the floor to Dean.

When Dean didn't Sam whipped his arm away and followed Crowley out into the archives then up the stairs knowing that as soon as he stepped over the threshold to the dungeon area he had overstepped something else. But nothing would have been the same regardless of what Sam did now. And he wanted to go. When their footsteps could be heard on the stone Dean turned to look at their shadows disappear.

"Tell me I'm crazy." Dean looked sideways to Cas who turned to look at him. "Tell me this isn't happening."

Cas sighed. "I'm afraid I cannot do that without lying."

"Then lie to me, Cas!" Dean shouted and looked at the floor, his head hanging as he put his hands on his hips.

Cas reached out, putting his hands on Dean's shoulders then slowly edged them towards Dean's neck as the hunter tried not to cry. Cas was leaning back still, looking at Dean's face as he raised his head and looked to the side, biting his lip in an attempt to keep his emotions in check. "It'll be okay," Cas whispered and Dean shook his head abruptly. "It will."

Dean shook his head again and then brought his hands from his hips, around to Cas' back and up to his shoulder blades while he pushed his face into the front of his shirt, just at the base of his neck, and squeezed. "Lie to me," his voice was muffled and his tears had fallen.

Cas squeezed his own arms around Dean's shoulders, his right hand coming up to run through Dean's hair and hold him firm to his chest. "I'm here," Cas said, out of habit and he kissed Dean's temple. Dean may not have woken up from a nightmare but he was having one all the same.

>><<

Crowley stopped Sam at the top of the stairs. "Do you mind if I just-" He put his hand out and Sam paused for a second before he took it. Then they were outside the bunker and Sam gasped. "Sorry." Crowley let go of Sam's hand and stepped away to stretch.

Sam exhaled. "It's alright." He tucked his hands in his pants pockets. "It's Kevin, isn't it?" Crowley looked to Sam. "You didn't want to run into Kevin, that's why you zapped us outside?"

"Maybe I just wanted to see if I still could." Crowley smiled and cracked his back.

Sam scoffed. "Yeah, and I'm Jared Padaleski."

Crowley's brow crinkled ever so slightly. "What?"

Sam shook his head. "Doesn't matter." He looked down at the ground and his foot as he nudged a stone.

"Ask." Sam looked up to see Crowley staring at him expectantly. "Go on, a question for a question." He gestured between them.

Sam pursed his lips together. "Will you really take him to her?"

Crowley nodded. "Yes."

"Why?"

Crowley put his hand out and raised his index finger. "My question." Sam paused before he nodded. "Did you really think I would leave?"

Sam shrugged. "Honestly? I didn't know." Crowley looked to the ground. "I hoped not." Crowley looked back up. "But I could never be sure." He swallowed. "So why, why did you suddenly admit to her being alive and decide you'd take him to her?"

"That's technically two," Crowley smiled when Sam shrugged cheekily, "but I'll let you have it." He sighed and began pacing a little, lifting his head to look at Sam every now and then. "That exorcism, left something in me, or dug up something I buried a long time ago. I don't know. Either way I have this weird thing inside my head now, it's like a voice," Sam raised his eyebrows, "and it keeps reminding me that these kinds of things, the things I've done, they're not normal things to do. So, when Kevin appeared the little voice," he gestured to his head and raised his index finger as if flicking something, "pinged," he lowered his hand again, "and pointed out that this was something I could make up for, fix." Sam nodded as if to accept that. "And…" Crowley sighed, not knowing why he was admitting it, he could have just left it there and Sam would be happy with that.

"And?" Sam asked.

"And Kevin, I know Kevin, his pressure points, his weaknesses, I should do - I tortured the kid." He inhaled sharply. "And I was worried about what was going on with- with us, so knowing that his mom is one of those pressure points, the most powerful one in fact, I used it to try to get something from him."

Sam raised his head. "Me." Crowley stopped walking and looked to Sam. "When I walked in you were talking about not saying any more until you saw me."

The demon nodded and Sam narrowed his eyes.

"My turn," Crowley said.

Sam took the steps forward right into Crowley's space. "Screw that. If his mom was the most powerful of his pressure points you could have used it to get out."

"What makes you think that?"

"You're a manipulative bastard, right?" Sam repeated his own words. "And yet," Sam laughed as he looked up and took a step backwards, "you didn't have to, did you?" Crowley's face showed confusion as Sam turned away, gesturing his arms wide and kept talking. "All you had to do was make it so I got you out, and if you could drive a wedge between me and Dean at the same time, then bonus."

Crowley's face hardened. "Is that what you really think?" Sam shrugged as he turned around again. "Screw you." Sam's face fell at the way Crowley said it. It wasn't spat or shouted. It was practically whispered. He held out his hands as if to be handcuffed. "Take me back." Sam looked down at his hands. "I said, take me back!" he shouted. "If you _really_ think this whole thing was just for the fun then take me back and don't bother coming down for a chinwag because I have plenty of cons to run, _you_ are not one of them." He shook his arms in the air, eyes wide, and gestured his head to them.

Sam looked at them and back to Crowley's face.

"Well? Go on!" Crowley shouted, little bits of spit flying from his mouth in anger.

Sam strode forward and for a second Crowley's face fell, the idea of Sam actually going to cuff him and put him back in the dungeon not even on his radar but more the idea that Sam could think what Dean did. Dean was a suspicious bastard by nature and nurture – Sam was different.

But Sam didn't step forward to cuff the demon. He grabbed both sides of his face to kiss him and Crowley grunted as he responded. It was hard, aggressive and angry. And Crowley realized one thing – no handcuffs. His hands went straight up and under Sam's jaw, Sam lowered his own hands to Crowley waist as they slowly started to calm a little, teeth becoming less part of the show and tongues taking over. Crowley's hands kept going until his right was in Sam's hair and pulling him closer.

Sam felt a jolt to his whole body and before he could even open his eyes he felt something hard against his back. He pulled away from the kiss to look around at the outside of the bunker, which he was now pressed against, and he really couldn't bring himself to say much as he felt lips of his neck and hands fumbling at his belt.

>><<

"We can't tell them," Dean mumbled into Cas' shirt.

Cas pulled back. "Kevin and Charlie?"

Dean nodded and sniffed, wiping his nose with the back of his hand and then rubbing the watery residue on his jeans. "We can't. We can't let anyone know about this. Crowley's got demons after him with this whole Abaddon mess, and me and Sam have targets on our back as it is being hunters and then the mess with Heaven." Dean sighed and shook his head. "If he's really-" He gestured his right hand to the doorway. "If Sam really has-" He pursed his lips together and squeezed his eyes shut as his hand fell.

"If Sam really has feelings for Crowley," Cas said for him.

Dean flinched as if stung. "Then we just have to keep it between us until we figure it out."

Cas' eyes narrowed. "Figure what out?"

"Figure out how to fix it." Dean shook his head and looked at Cas as if it was the most obvious thing ever. "We can't let this go on."

"Why not?" Cas tilted his head as Dean grunted and turned away from him. "Dean, Sam has been involved with a demon before, and men." Cas nodded looking to the wall.

Dean froze and turned around. "What?"

Cas' eyes darted to Dean. "In university?" Dean's head moved from left to right as he just stared, unblinking. "I apologize, I thought you were aware."

Dean squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head. "Wait- wait. How do _you_ know?"

Cas sighed. "Dean, when I pulled Sam from the cage-"

Dean cut him off. "If you say you pieced him back together I swear-" He cut himself off and looked to the side, new tears threatening to fall.

Cas closed the steps between them and grabbed Dean's face to look at him. "Look at me." Dean was trying to look anywhere but. "I said, look at me, Dean." Dean heard that particular gravel that meant one thing. It wasn't a question. Dean's head stopped moving and his eyes moved to Cas'. His head went pliant in Cas' hands and Cas tilted it back up, straightening his own head. "I pulled Sam's physical being from the cage, I thought that would be enough because he did not separate from his soul, he did not die and his soul leave his being as your did. If I had pieced him back together as I had you he would not have come back without his soul." Dean swallowed. "You are the only person I have raised from perdition, your soul, run my existence over every inch and searched for any crack, any injury, and soldered back together. Using my grace, my very essence to repair. And _then_ ease your shaken soul back into it's vessel and repaired that. You. Not Sam, not anyone, in my whole existence. You." Dean's hands came up to hold Cas' neck. "I promise."

Dean looked over Cas' face, his eyes still threatening to let go of his tears. "I know, I'm sorry."

Cas kissed him and Dean's forehead muscles molded into painful relief. Then Cas pulled back, still holding Dean's face. "I was going to say that when I pulled Sam from the cage I had to heal his body, the descent into the box and what Lucifer unleashed had damage his vessel. I accessed his memories to see if he would survive the return. That is how I know." Dean nodded. "Okay?"

Dean nodded again. "Yeah, I'm sorry."

"That's okay." Cas touched his forehead to Dean's. "Jealousy is perfectly normal, you know?" Dean let out a little laugh and smiled as a result, which just made Cas smile. "It's also kinda nice," he whispered and Dean laughed again. "Dean," Cas bit his lip a little, nervously, "you won't like this but I think," he paused again, "I think Crowley has genuine feelings for Sam."

Dean made to pull away. "You right, I don't like it."

Cas held on tighter. "Please don't be mad at me." Dean stopped and let Cas run his hand back through Dean's hair. "I'm just- I'm just postulating that even though it feels like you're going mad and it doesn't make sense to you that-" Cas inhale and exhaled visibly. "Maybe it doesn't have to make sense to you, maybe it just has to make sense for him and Sam."

Dean swallowed and touched his forehead to Cas' again. "Why him?" he whispered. "Why the King of Hell?"

Cas kissed Dean again. "Why me?"

Dean closed his eyes and turning his head a little, in much the same way Sam did when his resolve with Ruby broke, that final push of strength before it broke. "Why me?" he said.

"Exactly," Cas muttered before he kissed Dean again.

>><<

"This isn't exactly-" Sam swallowed his breath as rough hands tugged his belt open, "-much further down the line."

"Screw down the line." Crowley pulled back to smile at Sam. "Alone will do." He watched Sam's eyes close and his head tip backwards as his hand tightened around Sam's length.

"Fuck," Sam breathed.

"One piece at a time, Moose." Sam looked down when Crowley lowered himself to the ground.

His knees had barely settled on the dirt before he took Sam in his mouth. Sam let out a loud moan and then gasped as he looked out to the road then at the entrance, no one in sight. He then closed his eyes again as Crowley's tongue wrapped around him and he bobbed his head. Sam's hands shot back, bending his elbows, to splay onto the bricks behind him. If Dean followed them outside then he'd get a shock about now but Sam really couldn't care when he felt Crowley's other hand rub his abdomen. Then his eyes widened as he felt the heat travel down his length.

Further and further.

He looked down, breathing hard and fast, to look at Crowley who blinked to looking up at him, he then smirked and shrugged, slurping. He even looked as he wiggled his nose to the hair there, giving it a little miffed look.

Sam's hand shot out and grabbed his shoulder.

_No gag._

"Show... off," Sam threw the words out with harsh breaths and felt the demon chuckle around his cock. 

Sam threw his head back and ignored the pain when it hit off of the wall. Then he felt the back of the demon's throat nudge his head

"God!" He flinched when he felt the nip of teeth around the base of his cock and he put his hands down to the demon's shoulders. "Whoa, whoa! Sorry, I'm sorry." The teeth eased off. "Just-" Sam moaned again and relaxed. "Don't fucking stop." He felt the chuckled again and Crowley sped up. The pressure around his length was like nothing he had ever felt, he'd had blow jobs before and damn good ones but he'd never found someone - man or woman - who could take him this far down their throat. Both genders had tried the 'squeeze your thumb in your fist' trick and it had worked, to a degree, but nothing like what Sam was experiencing now.

And then Crowley swallowed around Sam and Sam's leg jolted as if to give way under him. Crowley's left hand shot out and held onto Sam's leg and when their eyes met Sam knew that he could just let go if he wanted - he'd be caught. Then the bastard did it again, and again, _and again, and fucking again_ , still bobbing up and down and again and sucking to boot. And Sam felt it all as he nudged the back of Crowley's throat and then he wasn't sure what happened because something shot through him and he squeezed his eyes closed and shouted something.

Whatever it was he had no idea but he felt himself come and come and come and- "Fuck!" -Sam was coming down the demon's throat as he slowly came down from his high. He vaguely began to feel the action of soft swallowing around his sensitive cock, he sighed and groaned one last time before Crowley slid down and off of him.

Crowley stood up, brushing the dust from his knees, and left Sam leaning against the brick wall, breathing rapidly as he tried to calm it and his hands still flat on the wall. "Good?" Crowley smirked then exaggeratedly wiped his face with the thumb on his right hand and looked to it. He found it clean and shrugged, looking back to Sam before licking his lips.

Sam nodded. "Yeah." He nodded again and looked down at himself hanging out.

"Well, tuck yourself in." Crowley gestured around. "Someone might see you."

Sam exhaled another two or three times as he leaned off of the wall and reached to do just that and pull his zipper up. "You could have done that." Sam looked to Crowley still recovering.

"What," Crowley raised his eyebrows, "am I supposed to do everything?"

He smiled when Sam laughed and shook his head softly, fixing the button on his jeans. "No, not at all." Sam laughed again.


End file.
